August 2006 Archives

…but only fictionally, of course. Channel 4’s upmarket digital channel will air a drama, shot in the style of a retrospective documentary, about the consequences of the Commander-in-Chief being killed in office.

Of course, as any fule kno, the real consequence is that the whole thing would be solved within twenty-four hours by a rogue counter-terrorist agent who everybody thought was dead, and who looks remarkably like the head vampire in The Lost Boys.

Reuters’ coverage gives a little more background as to the dramatic content of the piece:

In the film, Bush is killed by a sniper, and the investigation quickly focuses on a Syrian-born man…

“It’s a pointed political examination of what the war on terror is doing to the American body politic,” said More4 boss Peter Dale at a press conference on Thursday.

while Liz points out in her news story that:

while a number of different agencies are under suspicion for the murder, the programme ends with a twist.

Which can only mean one thing. Yes, Guardian TV pundit and presenter of BBC4’s sublime Screenwipe, Charlie Brooker, will finally get his man. Back in October 2004, he ended a column on then forthcoming US Presidential Election with the words

John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, John Hinckley, Jr. — where are you now that we need you?

…objections to which sentiment caused The Guardian to take the highly rare step of removing the whole column from the paper’s website.

Elsewhere in the More4 lineup, Robert Lindsay continues his ongoing battle with Michael Sheen to become “person most likely to play Tony Blair”, reprising the role in The Trial of Tony Blair, written (as was his previous protrayal in A Very Social Secretary) by Alistair Beaton. Of course Sheen, currently on stage playing David Frost in Frost/Nixon, played Blair in The Deal and again in the BBC’s forthcoming The Queen, leaving them both at two apiece.

More4’s other big politically-related show for the autumn is a spin on a Channel 4 staple — the list show. The 30 Greatest Political Comedies sounds like a great excuse for trotting out the old clips of Yes, Minister and The New Statesman again. Thankfully, it won’t be presented by clip show veteran Jimmy Carr, although that may have been preferable (and I can’t believe I just typed those last words) to the presenters they have got in his place: Michael Howard and Charles Kennedy. One to record on Sky+ and then fast-forward through the pain-inducing links, then…

After yesterday’s musings on the rise of broadcasting archives in our consumption of television and its increasing importance to a channel’s revenues, the BBC has just stumped up the folding stuff to acquire a stack of childrens’ TV classic, Dangermouse, to show front and centre on the corporation’s premier terrestrial channel.

It’s the White Wonder’s 25th Anniversary this year (my, I feel old), and Auntie has seen value in bringing these colourful classics to a new audience of children (and I’m sure some of us wrinklies will have a looksee). What I find interesting is that in the past, shows like Dangermouse and all manner of other vintage fodder, are passed back and forth in the multi-channel world at an alrming rate of knots (Lovejoy on ITV3? It’s wrong!), but this is the first exampe I can recall of an old show, childrens’ or otherwise (aside from the usual suspects of Dad’s Army, Only Fools, Fawlty Towers or Porridge), being placed in such a premier slot (away from BBC2 and the multi-channel world).

The question being, will Dangermouse and Penfold stand up to the scrutiny of a dusting off?

According to BBC head of new media, Ashley Highfield, at Edinburgh this weekend, by 2009, around 25 per cent of television viewing will be accounted for by archive material. Highfield also goes on to say that within the next five years, a terrestrial TV hit will be attracting less than 5 million viewers.

And on the evidence suggested by my own viewing habits, and the current trend in TV ratings, I have to agree. I’m more likely to sit down and watch a DVD of a television show I have sitting on the shelf in a shiny box set, rather than plumbing for something first run from a broadcaster. We’re also in a TV world where a channel such as BBC 4 can have reasonable success with a vintage rerun of I, Claudius, proving that audiences are responsive to nostalgia in spades.

And as to the ratings issue, aside from the soaps, we’re already heading into the age where 5 million is considered a decent rating for a prime time drama. Outside the soaps, the highest rated dramas line up as follows in the overnights:

16 Casualty 6.8 million (Saturday)

28 The Bill 5m (Thursday)

(source: BARB)

Casualty and Holby aside, which are mainstay items of the BBC schedule, Silent Witness, Murphy’s Law and The Bill (a once big hitter) are highly successful, important shows, and back in the day would have been likely to pull 10 million plus. And unless you want to start crying, don’t even look beyond number 30 in the chart.

In the last week, I’ve watched an episode of Black Books, two episodes of I, Claudius, one of Firefly, half a box set of The West Wing, all peppered here and there with soaps, Holby City (yes, I know) and the mercilessly excellent Murphy’s Law (which you may have guessed is my new favourite thing). Am I adhering to a future model of TV viewing? Plundering the archives and picking and choosing carefully from the first run broadcast menu? I’ll get back to you in five years.

ITV have unveiled the trio of lovely heroines to star in its forthcoming Jane Austen season.

Former Doctor Who favourite Billie Piper, as we all know, is to play Fanny Price in Mansfield Park. Adapted by Maggie Wadey, the show will be produced by Company Pictures.

Meanwhile Tipping the Velvet star Sally Hawkins has been lined up to play Anne Elliot in Persuasion, which has been re-worked for the small screen by Simon Burke and is a Clerkenwell Films production.

And finally Felicity Jones, best known to fans of Radio 4’s The Archers will play Catherine Morland in Northanger Abbey. The drama will be made by ITV Productions and has been adapted by Andrew “Period Drama” Davies.

ITV will also be showing the classic 1997 Emma starring Kate Beckinsale and Samantha Morton, as part of the season. The move is part of the broadcaster’s attempt to broaden the appeal of its drama and bring in a younger, savvier audience. And judging by the publiciity images… it might just work. Next week’s edition of The Stage will have more details.

Network drama director Nick Elliott said:

Viewers love Jane Austen. Her stories always make great TV drama and our Jane Austen season features the absolute cream of British acting talent. This is such an exciting prospect.

Back after the Bank Holiday, and with her spiel at the Edinburgh Festival fresh in everyone’s minds decrying the state of British television, Don’t Get Me Started (Tuesday, 7.15pm, Five) gives Selina Scott a wider audience for her views. Is TV really that bad? Probably, but from the former presenter of The Clothes Show, Ms Scott may be standing in a glass house on this one.

As a rebuke to Scott’s opinion piece, the concluding episode of Murphy’s Law (Tuesday 9pm, BBC1) shows that drama is not tired or samey. Yes, this is a cop show of sorts, but it’s brutal and dirty and gives Jimmy Nesbitt something meaty to get his teeth in to show he’s more than the Irish scamp with the twinkle in his eyes. This three-part story has done the business, and TV Today is certainly hoping for more from Colin Bateman’s undercover ‘tec.

You may have discovered this over the barren weekend, but BBC4’s British Spies season is bearing lots of fruit, including a repeat of the excellent Cambridge Spies (Tuesday 11pm, BBC4). Tonight, though, you can catch Timeshift: Spy Stories, which seeks to examine the rich history of fictional spying antics, and how these characters relate to the real world of espionage. Brilliant stuff.

One former fictional spy, ex-Spooks actor David Oyelowo stars in the challenging Shoot the Messenger (Wednesday 9pm, BBC2) as teacher Joseph Pascale, a teacher who acts for the best intentions to protect the black pupils under his care from a life of crime. But when he is sacked after being accused of assault by a pupil, he starts to descend into madness. This zips along with pace, the direction is clever and fluid, and poses some interesting questions on how a black person might perceive his own people.

And will wonders never cease? Somebody gave a former Hollyoaks actress some work! Jodi Albert headlines new Five comedy Respectable (Wednesday 10.30pm, Five) about a group of women working in a brothel… You never know, there might just be comedy gold in them there hills down Five way.

And after the terrible week its just had, Square Eyes feels duty bound to recommend the under threat Bad Girls (Thursday 9pm, ITV1). It’s still damn good entertainment, and with a storyline that centres round a Prison Idol competition while Pat is trying to hide the body she dumped in the spin dryer, you know there’s still life in this old warhorse yet. One more series, please!

Oh, and there’s mud wrestling in Emmerdale (Thursday 7pm, ITV1). And it’s Katie and Jo, getting down and dirty over Andy. Is there any chance this could be an hour-long episode up against EastEnders? Expect the usual ratings stories from the red tops come Friday morning.

And after C4 was crowned Channel of the Year at Edinburgh, the triumphant channel unveils its new signing and awards Charlotte Church her own chat show, imaginatively titled The Charlotte Church Show (Friday 10pm, C4). Will it be Parky all the way for the Welsh temptress, or will it all go a bit Davina? Nobody knows, and that’s the fun part! She can certainly talk for Wales, so no worries on that front, but has she got what it takes to go the distance?

If some Church worship doesn’t do it for you, The Sharon Osbourne Show (Tuesday-Friday 5pm, ITV1) might be more your cup of tea, and ITV might just have found the long-sought replacement for Paul O’Grady. Again, Mrs O likes to chat, and with a promise that Ozzy might pop in from time to time, this could have what it takes. But when Chico is turning up as a musical guest later in the week, perhaps not…

In an ironic twist, it seems that somebody has been taking the spirit of BBC1’s lavish new spin on the Robin Hood legend, due this October, a little too literally. A band of not so merry men has nicked some tapes from the offices of Tiger Aspect productions in Hungary, where the series has been filming on location for the last few months.

Nobody really knows the true nature of what was nicked - whether advanced edits of the forthcoming episodes, rushes, rough cuts - and neither has much credence been put into whisperings of the thieves demanding a £1 million ransom. But I’m finding it hard to believe that the stolen tapes would be the only copy of the material (or maybe that’s wishful thinking), but still, no publicity is bad publicity, and that’s what’s furrowing my brow…

Not so long back, when the thought of a successful reboot of Doctor Who sounded like blind stupidity, an employee of the canadian broadcaster, CBC, allegedly leaked the very first episode of the new series all over the Internet several weeks before its premiere. The BBC were quick to remove this aberration, but not before thousands of tech-savvy fans had downloaded the episode and passed comment, not to mention the column inches the story garnered in the press.

Am I being a mite bit suspicious that the Robin Hood theft bears a remarkable similarity to its stablemate’s previous pre-launch publicity garnering exercise? Well, you may think that, I couldn’t possibly comment…

It looks like ITV is raiding the Harry Potter trough with fervour. After snapping up Rupert Grint to star in forthcoming autumn drama Driving Lessons, comes the news that the network have signed Daniel Radcliffe for a new production called My Boy Jack.

The production, which is being made by Ecosse Films, will follow the relationship between Rudyard Kipling and his son Jack - with Radcliffe in the title role. Kipling spent the last twenty years of his life searching to find out what happened to his son John (Jack), who had gone missing during the Battle of Loos in 1915.

He had only got into the army because of his father’s influence - poor eyesight rendered him medically unfit. David Hay will play Kipling.

The drama is part of the plan to broaden the appeal of ITV’s programming to a wider audience and bring in new stars. As The Stage exclusively revealed earlier this year, the network revealed it was lining up a drama by Tony Merchant, entitled Whistleblowers.

I don’t think it will come as much of a surprise to any of you to discover that Channel 4 has been named terrestrial channel of the year. Currently the golden child of television it seems the station can do no wrong… well unless you’re Charles Allen…or anyone who hates big brother. Meanwhile BBC4 took home digital channel of the year after a strong year in factual and drama. Rather tellingly, and with more self awaredness than I perhaps woud have credited them with, ITV decided to do their autumn launch at the same time as the event. More on that later…

The latest project from Aaron Sorkin, creator of The West Wing, is probably the most hotly anticipated new series to come out of America this year, and will air on Channel 4/More4. Set around a live comedy show, it certainly sets out it stall right at the beginning.

In the pre-credits sequence, show producer Judd Hirsch stops a sketch mid-flow (one that, in a tribute to the show’s predecessor, is set in the Oval Office) and slags off the anodyne quality of American television. It’s a blatant nod to classic film Network — which, in typical Sorkin style, is openly acknowledged as the news networks start to cover the event. To take advantage of the coverage, the new network president plans to re-hire former Studio 60 writer Matthew Perry and producer Bradley Whitford.

Just as Sorkin used his political drama to mix comedy and polemicism, with side swipes at politicians on all sides, so here he does the same thing, this time with TV and film in his sights. Just as with WW, the scripts are fast, slick, clever and skirt the line between passionate and preachy in a precarious manner. Visually, too, it has the same richness and pace of its predecessor.

I know several of my friends were turned off The West Wing because of its overblown “America has the best political system in the world” nonsense. On the basis of the first episode, Studio 60 is (so far) staying away from such patriotic/jingoistic (delete as applicable) sentiment about television. But just as the Christianist element of politics came under fire in Sorkin’s last series, it looks like their influence in modern television will come under close scrutiny too. It’s a bold step to make one of the series’ leading characters a devout Christian, but then have them defending a sketch which lampoons the church. And that’s the thing that Studio 60 looks like satirising most effectively of all — that it should be such a bold thing in the first place.

Okay, at some point the screenings changed their schedule, so I missed the first half of a new comedy Lovespring International. It’ll show on Sky One here in the UK. Presented in a semi-improvised format that will be familiar to anyone who’s seen Curb Your Enthusiasm, the absurdist plots set within this LA dating agency seem to be aiming for that market too. And I’m sure this is unintentional, but the agency receptionist, a petite blonde who is so completely self-absorbed that she can’t comprehend anybody fancying her co-workers and not her, is surely a not-too fictional version of Big Brother’s Nikki Grahame…

So I’m here, sitting in the chilly square outside the Edinburgh International Convention Centre, at one of the many public screenings put on as part of the Television Festival. Thankfully, the weather seems to be holding off — an open-air TV screening in a British summer is always a risky venture. (Post-screening update: spoke too soon…)

As we told you back in June, the new US TV comedy-drama (yes, there’s that term again), Ugly Betty, has been bought by Channel 4, and they’ve just shown us the pilot episode. It’s based on a Latin American telenovella — if you’re not familiar with the term, think of long-running soap operas with lower production values than either version of Crossroads, but gazillions more viewers. This being American prime-time, production values are much higher. They definitely seem to be aiming for the light-hearted, female-oriented market: kind of like Sex and the City without the whiny introspective voiceover.

Betty, a plain-looking girl with buck teeth, braces and a natty line in hand-knitted ponchos, is hired as assistant to Daniel, the womanising editor-in-chief of Mode, a top fashion magazine, on the grounds that she’ll be the one assistant he won’t ask her to take his, er, ‘dictation’. Naturally Daniel, who is told he can’t fire her, is desperate to make her life hell so that she’ll quit on her own.

The sideswipes at fashion magazine life are painted with broad strokes so far, more in the style of a by-the-numbers Hollywood chick flick film. Quite how they’ll transfer to a full series remains to be seen.

In fact the whole thing feels remarkably like a low-rent Hollywood ‘date movie’ compressed into an hour of television, right down to the heroine’s success against the odds and the redemption of the flawed leading man. Only a brief scene at the end, featuring a mysterious masked woman, hints at where the series may go from here.

Brit star Ashley Jensen, who makes her US debut as Betty’s new best friend, stands to gain the most from the move to a full series. She’s only in a few scenes, but manages to steal them all by coming across as the most normal person in an office full of freaks (although the costumes she’s been given are hideous). Also look out for brief cameos from executive producer Selma Hayek, appearing in little hat-tips to Ugly Betty’s telenovella origins.

Later today: free screenings of Will & Grace star Eric McCormack’s new project, the semi-improvised Lovespring International, and West Wing/Sportsnight creator Aaron Sorkin’s new project, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. They’re open to all — but they’re open to the elements too, so if you’re heading down here, bring some wet weather gear just in case. There are some umbrellas in place, but as I found out to my cost, they don’t provide total protection…

Ah, the Bank Holiday weekend, a time when any self respecting member of the public should be outside getting some fresh air, and all the major broadcasters seem to oblige by leaching anything worth watching out of the schedules (mainly because they’re all in Edinburgh for the Festival, along with my TV Today colleagues Scott and Liz). But, praise the Lord! The Towering Inferno is on (Saturday 4pm ,C4)!

Thankfully, Saturday evenings are currently all about the battle of the singers, with How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria? (Saturday 6.45pm, BBC1) going up against The X Factor (Saturday 6.45pm, ITV1). Square Eyes is a fan of both these gems of the light entertainment schedules, so is more than happy to advocate a watch one/tape one policy. For my money, Maria is just pipping The X Factor in the enjoyment stakes, but it’s by a hair’s breadth, and ITV will doubtless be pleased with its first decent ratings banker in months with the performance of Cowell and Co.

Earlier in the day, and this is manna from Bank Holiday heaven, Time Team: Big Royal Dig (Saturday-Monday various times, C4) sees Tony Robinson and his gang of nostalgic vandals being given access to the grounds of Buckingham Palace, Windsor Castle and Holyrood House. Whether the royal grounds will bear any fruit remains to be seen, but the unprecedented access the show has been given for this special dig to celebrate the Queen’s 80th birthday should provide an extra dimension. Somebody once told me that you know you’re getting old if you accidentally tune into Time Team and find yourself getting drawn in. Well in that case, I’m happy to be getting old.

If the pub doesn’t beckon in the twilight hours, then The Story of Light Entertainment (Saturday 9.25pm, BBC2) has reached a chapter on the impressionists (no, not the artists). All the usual suspects crop up here, from modern mimics like Alistair McGowan, going back through the golden age of the 70s, and then into the 50s, when there were some pretty odd restrictions on who could be impersonated. This series has been pleasurable company for the last month, and the material tonight of the legendary Dick Emery is a delightful memory jogger.

The Sunday of a Bank Holiday weekend usually brings with it that sense of comfy smugness of knowing you won’t be going to work tomorrow, and just lying on the sofa is not an activity designed to wrack you with guilt for a change. Neither is The All*Star Cup (Sunday-Monday various times, ITV1). Although it kicks off on Saturday, this celebrity golf tournament gets into its stride on Sunday, with literally hours of the schedule given over to it. Last year, this Ant and Dec brainchild was consigned to Sky One, which prevented the amiable Geordie hobbits from taking up duties in front of the camera thanks to the terms of their ITV contract. Although last year’s tournament had the bonkers sight of Catherine Zeta-Jones teeing off against the likes Chris Evans, this year has no such Hollywood luminaries working on their handicap, but stalwarts like Brucie will be mixing with, erm… ex-footballer Ruud Gullit and James Nesbitt…

…which is a nice move into a welcome return for Murphy’s Law (Sunday-Monday, 9pm, BBC1). This vehicle for the ever likeable Nesbitt, created by novelist Colin Bateman, has always been enjoyable fare, with last year’s series taking a more violent turn (although it wasn’t as frightening as Nesbitt’s Village People-esque ‘tache, which makes a return here). In the midst of the light entertainment bent of the Bank Holiday schedules, this is a hefty slice of quality drama that sees undercover cop Tommy Murphy confronting his family background while seeking to bring down a gangster in Northern Ireland. This three-part tale concludes on Tuesday.

As always, the soaps still occupy their standard slots, Bank Holiday or no Bank Holiday, and Coronation Street (Sunday 7.30pm, ITV1) is worth tuning in for just to boggle at the lengths Charlie Stubbs will go to manipulate Maria. It does make you wonder how Charlie is able to show his face round Weatherfield after everything he’s done, but as a soap villain, he’s one the classics. Not quite Alan Bradley, but nearly…

And Monday plays exactly to type, by offering very little in the way of quality television, save for the aforementioned Murphy’s Law (9pm, BBC1) and The All*Star Cup (why the badly placed asterisk? Answers to the usual address please…). But then, we’re being remiss here – it’s the Love Island final (Monday 9pm, ITV1)! A whole 90 minutes of C-list fun from Fiji as people I’ve never heard of are crowned the Golden Couple (or something).

Square Eyes has had a love hate relationship with this controversial ITV show, at once deriding it for being ill-conceived nonsense, and then taking a sneaky peek every now and then and guiltily enjoying it. If ever there was the TV equivalent of a Pot Noodle, this is it… Love Island is a relic from the Charles Allen years of ITV1, and it’s doubtful we’ll see it’s like ever again as the channel retools and repositions. So, enjoy Patrick Kielty’s last stand while you can.

After months of criticism and taking the flack for ITV’s woes, outgoing chief executive Charles Allen, giving this year’s MacTaggart keynote speech has attacked Channel 4 for getting a free ride and failing to live up to its public service remits.

Allen recently announced his resignation from the post but will not step down until January. Giving the annual lecture at the Edinburgh TV Festival today he said:

It gets a free ride in terms of its spectrum and makes absolutely no return to either the Treasury or to shareholders. In exchange for these privleges you would expect Channel 4 to be held to a far tougher set of principles than its commercial competitiors. Wrong. Channel 4 has a PSB remit high on warm words, low on specifics. Effectively it makes it up as it goes along. In key areas, Channel 4 is delivering less than its commercial competitors. Less original production. Less production outside London. Less news in and around peak.

He also went on to criticse the number of repeats, acquired programmes and US imports on the pubcaster. He added

And let’s not forget Channel 4 does spend £90 million on education. Mind you that includes such instructive fair as Scrapheap Challenge and Dr Tatiana’s Sex Advice.

Channel 4 have hit back however saying that ITV simply want to restrict its ability to compete for advertising revenue.

A spokesman said

ITV is angling to lose all its public service programming, including children’s programmes and regional news. A glance at Channel 4’s schedule any week of the year shows a far broader and more challenging mix of programmes than on ITV… In the week when one of ITV’s own senior executives called its flagship channel unwatchable it would have been better for Charles to use his last major industry platform to set out a vision for ITV’s own commercial and creative reinvention.

When the BBC first announced that hit show Who Do You Think You Are? was set to switch from BBC2 to BBC1, I did suggest it was only a matter of time before executives cottoned on to what a winner The Apprentice was.

Well it’s finally happened folk, Peter Fincham, dubbed the magpie controller, has snatched over the Alan Sugar business show. No doubt attracted by the glint of ratings safely around the 5 million mark and the lure of easy positive column inches - the show’s third run will be on the flagship channel.

Peter Fincham denied he was plundering output and said that the transfer of programming across channels was a long BBC tradition. He pointed to the migration of comedy shows over the year such as French and Saunders and Smith and Jones as an example. He added:

The Apprentice is a strikingly modern and highly compelling series which audiences love, and it’s made an unlikely but utterly watchable star out of Sir Alan Sugar.

It’s that time again, the Edinburgh TV Festival is upon us, and has got off to a cracking start with the sacking of ITV director of television Simon Shaps.

Now before you all get over excited, and trust me there are a fair few folk out there that would, I am of course talking about the television executive version of BBC2 hit The Apprentice.

After last year’s cringetastic revamp of Strictly Come Dancing, a whole new range of industry supremos, including Simon Shaps, Tiger Aspect’s Andrew Zein, Channel 4’s Andrew Newman, Beeb boss Jana Bennett and former BBC1 controller Peter Salmon.

All in the style of the tradition television show, complete with smug commentary and brutal putdowns, the team, which were split by gender, had to sell products on shopping channel QVC.

It was painful. Probably the highlight was Zein and Salmon attempting to sell a hoover, neither having a clue how to use and essentially just pushing the dirt around. Shaps was in the back room attempting to give some form of direction. It was futile. By the time the pair announced:

Your cleaner will love this

The writing was on the wall. Come on guys, it’s QVC, you work in television. For Christ’s sake know your audience.

Rather predictably when it came to the showdown in the boardroom the boys lost out. It was a terribly middle class display of mutual backpacking and appreciation, but Sugar was having none of it, by the end announcing, with what some would argue was uncanny insight or clever editing, that Shaps seemed like the type that would hide in the bushes while all the shit hit the fan, before the inevitable:

Simon, you’re fired!

As reported in today’s print and online editions of today’s Broadcast, a leaked email from ITV’s director of television Simon Shaps to colleague Laura Mackie must have created a few red faces around Network centre over the last couple of days. The contents of the email, which you can read in full here, reveals a cautious lack of confidence in the long-term future of action pilot The Outsiders, and the more than distinct possibility that Bad Girls will come to an end at the close of its eighth and current series…

It seems the email was sent to controller of drama, Mackie, who then forwarded the correspondence on to head of drama Nick Elliott, but, buy fair means or foul, the contents arrived in the inbox of an executive at a rival channel. It’s the stuff of nightmares in this IT-charged world – one wrong flick of a qwerty keyboard can reveal innermost secrets to your entire inbox, and I can only find myself sympathising with the crushing embarrassment this must have caused, not just on a business level, but personally.

But the contents of the email are, undeniably, meat and drink to the media, and I’m sure Shed Productions are more than a little annoyed about the situation.

“Should we also be planning to announce Bad Girls comes to an end this series?”

ponders Shaps in his opener to Mackie, believing the cancellation of Footballers’ Wives earlier this year to be a useful sweetener to more possible bad news they may have for Shed. Mackie’s response is very much a wait and see view, saying:

“it comes down to what choices we have, particularly in that price range.”

It’s not all bad news for Shed, though, with Mackie very much looking forward to the first script from the production company’s Rock Rivals, which she describes as:

“really promising”

But should Bad Girls really be under the threat of the axeman’s gaze? It’s true the prison-based drama’s ratings have not been up the highs of the 2001 series’ average of 8.6 million, with the current series averaging 4.6 million But, in current ITV terms, that’s huge, and it is winning the time slot. But on the other hand, it’s been around since 1999, and that’s a good old run in this day and age. Perhaps it’s time to retire gracefully and go straight after the forthcoming Christmas episode.

But for Shed, that wouldn’t be the ideal scenario. The independent currently has a second series of Waterloo Road in production for the BBC, and with an uncertain future for Bad Girls, Rock Rivals in development and Zoe Lucker military vehicle, Bombshell, sitting unaired in the archives, they’re definitely not at peak output. And that’s a shame – for a time, Shed was the only independent providing sparkly, vibrant drama for ITV. It was glitzy and a bit tawdry in places, but at least it didn’t have “heart” in the title.

And what of these “choices” Laura Mackie refers to? The rest of the email discusses the merits of upcoming drama pilot, The Outsiders, starring Nigel Harman, to which Mackie responds:

“Outsiders looks very glossy, with well-executed action sequences, very photogenic leads and hopefully will appeal to the audience who enjoy Hustle. It’s a bit hokey and doesn’t deliver quite the tongue in cheek ‘Persuaders’ type humour that we’d hoped for and if we go to series then we need to push for wittier, more knowing scripts.”

So, hedging bets across the board there. I could write all sorts into this statement (considering what TV Today has already written about The Outsiders), but in all probability, this is just the kind of discussion that top TV execs must have every single day about upcoming projects. It’s good to see that blind faith doesn’t rule the roost at ITV, and a realistic approach is being taken to development.

However, Mackie does feel that, as far as the critics go, they’ll be:

“a bit sniffy”.

Erm… She might just have me banged to rights on that one.

Read the email in full here.

One of the cornerstones of BBC One’s autumn schedule will be a series of five one-off comedy dramas, to air over successive weeks. No definite times yet, but the first, Aftersun, will air in the week of 2-8 September.

Aftersun

Starring: Peter Capaldi, Sarah Parish
Writer: David Nicholls (Cold Feet, Rescue Me, ShakespeaReTold: Much Ado About Nothing)
Produced by: Tiger Aspect

Jim and Sue married young, and 20 years later find themselves on holiday in Spain (an anniversary present from their children) with very little to say to one another.

“I was attracted to the character of Sue because she’s brilliantly written, typical of David Nicholls, who writes fantastically for women,” explains Sarah Parish.

“She’s very strong and has a wonderful way with language – quite damning in some ways and fairly waspish – but the challenge for me was to play a role with age and a weightiness of history behind her.

“Sue has the weight of a 20-year marriage and two adult children and so I thought that would be quite interesting - to play a character at quite a difficult stage in her life.

“Her children have left home and she is suffering from what they call ‘empty nest syndrome’ which is a form of depression – her marriage has hit a point where it’s pretty stale and they’re finding it very hard to be in each other’s company.”

Writer David Nicholls says, “When I was writing it I was thinking of the tradition of plays that I grew up with, from the likes of Alan Bennett, Jack Rosenthal and Mike Leigh.

“Plays like Nuts In May and some of the earlier Alan Bennett plays were a big influence on me when I was growing up. The situation of four people thrown together in a closed environment appealed to me and I love that mix of characters that you get with Mike Leigh and Jack Rosenthal.

“This was a bit of a departure for me as usually I write romantic comedy and this is a little bit darker than some of my work.”

More after the jump…

Of all the websites set up by fans to celebrate their favourite TV shows and creative TV people, Whedonesque has long been top of the list. Even when they criticised an old article of mine about allegations of homophobia in Buffy The Vampire Slayer, I still loved them. (To be fair, it deserved any criticism, but then it was thrown together at short notice, after the editor of the site in question was sacked, and we realised we had no content…)

I’m not the only one who likes Whedonesque, though: Joss Whedon himself, creator of Buffy, Angel and Firefly and inspiration for the site in the first place, is a semi-regular commenter. In this post he passes his opinions on the best TV characters of all time. His list:

1. Number 6, The Prisoner
2. George Michael Bluth, Arrested Development
3. Diana Bennett from the last series of Beauty and the Beast (“Does anybody remember the desperate last-minute revamp… where they got all thrillery, killed Linda Hamilton and replaced her with a sort of female Will Graham, before half the characters on TV were sort of female Will Grahams — before, in fact, Clarisse Starling? Well she was awesome. Cool, and wicked beautiful… Show died in a month.”)
4. Belzer, Hill Street Blues
5. Josh Lyman, The West Wing
6. Lou Grant from, er, Lou Grant and, of course, The Mary Tyler Moore Show (“Oh, I’ll just slide my character from high comedy to high drama like people do all the time. What’s that you say? Well, surely very often, yes? No?”)
7. Mr Hudson, Upstairs Downstairs
8. Phoebe, Friends (“That was one of the best written shows ever for a spell and when it was she could not miss”)
9. President Roslin, Battlestar Galactica (“The role [Mary McDonnell] was born for. You wanna go head to head with Edward James Almos? Perhaps you don’t remember what a bad-ass he was on Miami Vice [as Lt. Martin Castillo]”).
10. Lt. Martin Castillo, Miami Vice (can you tell what he did there?)
11. Rod Serling on the Twilight Zone (“He wasn’t a character per se, he was just TV at its finest and smoking at its coolest”)
12. Quincy, M.D.
13. Logan, Veronica Mars
14. Jim, The Office (US version) — the Americans’ version of our Tim (“I’ve watched that scene between him and Pam in the season 2 finale like 17 times and his readings are smooth like booze”)
15. Agent Dale Cooper, Twin Peaks
16. Anna Devane, General Hospital
17. Jonathan Banks, Wiseguy
18. Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer, a recurring character on Saturday Night Live played by Phil Hartman
19. Letitia ‘Buddy’ Lawrence, Family (“Early crush. Can’t remember much more.”)
20. Columbo
21. Maude (Bea Arthur’s classic 1970s sitcom)
22. Lennie Briscoe, Law & Order (a character who originated in Homicide: Life On The Street). “I hated the obligatory wisecrack, but [the late Jerry Orbach] is New York personified (and a Broadway Hoofer) and as real as it gets…
23. “…Unless it gets to [Mike Torello, played by] Dennis Farina in Crime Story, who actually WAS a cop before he started acting.”
24. Dick Van Dyke. “He’s diagnosing… murder! Also I think he had a sitcom.”
25. House. “If you saw him in Blackadder, even more so, but if you haven’t, House. The last great humanist.”

Naturally, as an American, Whedon’s list is heavily US-based. So who would you pick? Personally, I’d definitely want the Doctor, from Doctor Who, Rigsby (Rising Damp) and Bet Lynch (Coronation Street) on my list…

[Hat-tip to Rob for pointing Joss’ list out. Thanks, Rob!]

Digital terrestrial platform Freeview gained a whopping 800,000 new subscribers in the first quarter of this year, according to a report by research company Datamonitor (via New Media Age). In the same period, Sky added just 77,000. If uptake on both platforms continues at the same rate, the report suggests, Freeview will have overtaken the satellite broadcaster by 2008.

Of course, nothing’s ever that easy. Sky’s uptake in early 2006 could well have been depressed by the launch of Sky HD, for example — if you were thinkng about buying a new satellite system in the first three months of the year, it may have seemed prudent to wait until you found out a bit more about the next generation product. And in terms of future projection, it’s unlikely that Freeview would ever be able to maintain an 800,000-units-per-quarter schedule. But the DTT platform’s growth is good news for the consumer, in that any dent into the dominance of one broadcast platform over another will increase competition and (hopefully) keep charges down.

For many, of course, Freeview is digital telly’s gateway drug: it starts off casually enough, but soon you crave more channels, at all times of day. Sky and cable companies have traditionally been seen as the next step up, but telecoms company BT are targetting their TV-by-broadband service, BT Vision, at dissatisfied Freeview customers, according to a C21Media report. BT’s CEO of TV Services, Dan Marks:

Look at Freeview customers - and pretty soon everyone who’s not a TV service subscriber will be a Freeview customer. They make the jump from analogue to digital and for a period of time they are very satisfied. But then they would like a little bit more choice, a bit more convenience, and more control over what they get than what Freeview has to offer. This is where BT Vision comes in.

BT has signed deals with four major indies recently — Entertainment Rights, Wall to Wall, Portman Film & TV and NBDtv — to go with the existing deals it has with the likes of BBC Worldwide, Universal and DreamWorks.

With the relatively small installation costs of a broadband connection compared with that of a satellite dish, it’s not Freeview that Sky will have to worry about…

I was a little sceptical when the silver fox began raving about ITV2’s new American import Entourage. His brand of humour is more of the Owen Wilson, Will Farrell school, and while this is fine and dandy I like my stuff a little drier.

Occasionally we come together though, The Thick of It or Jack Black, for example and, having sneaked a preview thanks to those kind folk at Henry’s House I think Entourage will be firmly added to the list.

Hugely watchable and slickly written, I’m completely won over by the show, which follows a rising Hollywood star and his three goofy buddies all hailing from Queens but living it up in the Hills.

From the teenage angst of The OC to the thirty-something angst of Sex and the City its all been a bit girl-centred in recent years so its probably about time something came along that let the boys swagger in, slump on the sofa and be proud of the hairs on their chest.

With lines like

I fucked like a puma

or

They drive that way in Tiananmen Square, bitch?

This ain’t one for your grandma, or the easily offended but frankly it is easily the best thing that ITV2 has had on screens. Ever.

The brilliant Jeremy Piven, best known for Very Bad Things, probably steals the show as aggressive agent Ari Gold, but there are also treats with guest appearances from stars such as Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johannson and Val Kilmer.

With the digital channel set to broadcast more of its homegrown comedy offerings in coming years, it makes sense to get a show like this in the schedules, to get audience in and associating it with the genre.

Trust me, this is the first time I’ve said this, but make sure you tune into ITV2 this autumn.

What with Paul O’Grady (when he’s well again, poor love), The Price is Right and the forthcoming Sharon Osbourne Show, early afternoons are certainly light entertainment friendly right now. And into this arena comes BBC2’s latest effort — a good old-fashioned talent show by the name of Let Me Entertain You.

The daily show, hosted by Brian Conley, plays host to an eclectic, nay eccentric, mix of acts. Monday’s first show boasted a 13-year-old operatic tenor, a run-of-the-mill impressionist, a comedy saxophonist (complete with dancing worm — don’t ask), a man talking about his collection of weird hundred-year-old inventions, a Bollywood dance troupe, and a toe wrestler. Yes, that’s not a typo: a man who wrestles other people’s big toes with his own thought this would be a suitable outlet for his talents. Worryingly, I think he may have been right…

This being the 21st century, of course, there has to be a degree of interactivity. While every act has a nominal three minutes in which to showcase their talents, the studio audience can dictate otherwise: each has a button to press when they’ve seen enough — and when half the audience have pressed, the act is over. Prize money is awarded based on how long the act lasts on stage, with prizes of £100, £200 and £1000 available for acts who last one, two or the full three minutes.

The audience voting certainly carries elements of The Gong Show, although with a larger number of voters than just a celebrity judging panel, Let Me… maintains at least a veneer of respectability. It’s not without its flaws, though: each contestant must endure a pain-inducing pre- and post-act interview with Conley’s co-presenter. Quite why this show need two presenters when one would be more than adequate is a mystery. As indeed is why some acts don’t get booted off straight away. One can only surmise that the audience in the studio find them just as car-crashingly compelling as they come across on screen: it must be tempting to hold off pushing the button just to see if the act starts getting good (clue: if it starts off rubbish, it’s unlikely to improve…)

All in all, it’s inoffensive nonsense really, and it’s nice to see variety acts start getting exposure on telly again, even if they’re not particularly good. Still, I’d much rather have Let Me Entertain You than a British version of Simon Cowell’s US venture, America’s Got Talent. As befits the high-trousered one, the stars of that show are the judging panel, which in this case includes (for some reason best known to, well, nobody) Piers Morgan.

The bad news is that ITV are planning to produce their own version, Britain’s Got Talent, with both Morgan and Cowell on the judging panel. Just when we thought ITV might be turning the corner…

I can’t say I blame Andy Harries, head of the drama, comedy and film department at ITV Productions for having a pop at the current state of things at the channel (although I am wondering where the comedy aspect of his title is hiding in the schedules). As Charles Allen heads off and the new brooms begin to sweep, expect more damage limitation statements from them upstairs at ITV declaring: “It wasn’t me, guv!”.

“There’s been a deep complacency, combined with arrogance. ITV has been caught napping big time.”

is Harries’ main beef, not far out of step with what the press have been saying for many long months now. He also goes on to slam the scheduling problems created by moving the main news to 10.30pm, necessitating an unworkable slot of 90 minutes for most of the channel’s backbone drama output.

And he’s not wrong, with this unwieldy slot also having a knock on effect elsewhere. Yes, Love Island isn’t the height of televisual brilliance, but it might have had a fighting chance to pull in better ratings had it not been split into two half hour slots after 10pm. ITV is not a post 10pm channel, that’s where Channel 4 tends to score big. That 9pm hour for ITV should be sacrosanct, and to elongate dramas to stretch out right through to 10.30pm, or slash perfectly good (ish) reality fodder in half leaves your audience unsure of where they are with your schedule.

Harries makes some sensible sabre rattling noises throughout his denouncement of the Charles Allen regime, claiming:

“the difficulty was the business became more important than the channel”

a notion that TV Today has previously cited as one of the crucial failings of the modern ITV. Joe and Jane Public don’t care who’s sitting at the top, they care that they’ve got something decent to watch. This is something that Harries, with the right kind of support should be able to deliver, having being a guiding hand in the likes of mega hit Cold Feet over the years.

And on the basis of the current new drama trailer doing the rounds on ITV1 ahead of the official launch of the autumn schedule this weekend, it seems that bright times could be just around the corner. The trailer has a bright, sunshiny feel about it. I’m not convinced about the choice of music though – would Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead not be more appropriate?

But I am now looking forward to some of the upcoming dramas on ITV with a sense of optimism such as I haven’t felt for a long time. New Prime Suspect and Cracker and you say? I’ll be first in the queue. Housewife, 49 with Victoria Wood was always going to be top drawer, and Driving Lessons, starring Julie Walters (and yes, Rupert Grint is in it, and for the record, I’ll just add that TV Today does not have a problem with that…) should do very brisk business. And then there’s Ray Winstone starrer, Vincent which after a shaky start, I’m expecting good things from this year.

Of course, there will be misfires. The Outsiders, a vehicle for Nigel Harman, looks hysterically bad, and I’m never going to be crazy about Wild at Heart (although 10 million people can’t be wrong) or Heartbeat, but, these shows importantly highlight that ITV has to cater for a wide audience, just like everybody else.

The media seems to be of the opinion that Andy Harries is treading water at ITV Productions, waiting to take up some fabulous offer elsewhere in the industry. I’m hoping this won’t be the case, as a bit of stability in key areas won’t harm ITV’s future one bit, but more high-profile departures could be disastrous.

With the departure of Big Brother (Pete to win! LOL!!) and the impending demise (please let it be for the last time) of Love Island, it seems the schedules are about to ripen and bursting with the promise of fresh TV fruits. Autumn launches are on the horizon, ITV might just be steering a course to calmer waters, and Graham Norton is another 4 million quid richer. Again.

To Kidnap a Princess (Monday 9pm ITV1) sees ITV step in the right direction by dramatising the attempted abduction of Princess Anne in 1974 by Ian Bell. For starters, I didn’t even know there was an attempted abduction of Princess Anne in 1974, so ITV instantly satisfies a rare public service remit by educating me on something I previously had no knowledge about. I expect the channel is more in shock about this fact than I am… It’s a credible job, but I am getting a little weary of the constant need to dramatise events (although C4 wakes me up somewhat on Thursday in this genre). Why can’t anybody do a simple documentary anymore?

Even more of a surprise is the sudden upturn in EastEnders’ likeability (Monday 8pm, BBC1) as Ian Beale drags “Mrs Beale” (being Dawn in disguise) off to the Walford Community Charitable Trust conference, thus beginnign a week of comedy situations for Walford’s whipping boy. This is the kind of cringe-worthy comedy material that Enders has a track record of doing so badly in the past, but bizarrely pulls it off. With Jane on the way to the hotel and threatening to ruin Ian’s deception and Dawn getting it on with a bloke called Rob, I had to look twice and make sure Ray Cooney’s name wasn’t on the writing credits.

In the interests of balance, Coronation Street (Monday 7.30 and 8.30pm, ITV1) continues to ride high in the effortless way it just seems to have in spades at the moment. Tonight, my oft cited emotional heart of the show, Ashley and Claire, are having some strife as Claire displays just how much she isn’t adapting to life as a mother and leaves Baby Peacock in the back of the car while she goes walkabout. And I’m not even going to mention the whole Charlie/Maria thing…

Sorted (Tuesday 9pm BBC1) comes to a satisfying conclusion, and I’m hoping this isn’t the last we’ve seen of this likeable drama in the company of the Manchester posties. The series as a whole has been a bit like the Royal Mail itself - it delivers nine times out of ten, and you’re usually happy to see it coming down the drive. Tonight, it’s Dex’s wedding, while Barmpot struggles in the aftermath of his involvement in an armed robbery.

Elsewhere, the first episode of Little Miss Jocelyn (Tuesday 10.30pm, BBC3) has me more than a little nervous. BBC3 sketch comedy goes from the immortal (early Little Britain), through very promising (Man Stroke Woman), to the embarrassingly risible (Tittybangbang, what else?), and the trailers for this vehicle for the talented Jocelyn Jee Esien, late of Three Non Blondes, leads me to think this will be promising, with reservations. The trailer has become just too ubiquitous, but there seems to be a wide mix of characters to satisfy in fits and starts. One to watch…

Channel 4 enjoys its new-found schedule freedom and promptly lands itself with a slab of prime American drama, and one that will strike a chord in these troubled times we live in. Sleeper Cell (Wednesday 10pm C4) applies a The Sopranos style approach to character development by depicting a cell of terrorists as rounded, real people. Controversial? Oh yes, but don’t worry, our main character is an undercover FBI agent, so we still get to cheer along for the good old US of A. This is slick stuff, and highly compelling viewing, but beware, C4 has decided to run the 10 part series as a five feature length instalments. Get the coffee on…

Storyville: Behind the Couch (Wednesday 9.40pm, BBC4) is an edition of the always-excellent BBC4 documentary strand. Behind the Couch focuses on the work of the casting director as German director Veit Heimer shadows the casting process of a Hollywood movie. Interweaved are interviews with some of LA’s top casting directors, going someway to showing that the casting director’s work is possibly the most important aspect of a film’s genesis.

Although I was bemoaning the lack of straight down the line documentaries on our screens these days, I’m quite throwing that moan out of the window in the face of the magnificent Nuremberg: Goering’s Last Stand (Thursday 9pm, C4). Stunning. That’s the only word needed to describe this dramatisation of the events surrounding Hermann Goering’s life from 1945 to his cell-bound death in 1946. This has shades of the supremely brilliant Downfall about it, not least of all in the breathtaking performance of Hannes Hellmann as Goering. You will find this thoroughly engrossing, and fair play to C4 for devoting two hours the schedule to such a stupendous piece of television.

And on Friday, we’ll just pause for a second for our ritual laughing and pointing at My Hero (Friday 8.30pm, BBC1). To my knowledge, Rupert Grint hasn’t been in it, so I’m safe to deride this nonsense for the dross that it is.

And again we turn to C4 for the best TV of the evening, and in a moment of nice symmetry, one household of dysfunctional idiots has been replaced in the schedules by another Yes, The Simpsons are back on terrestrial prime time. Yes, these episodes have been shown to death already on Sky One, but who cares, it’s great to have Springfield’s finest at the heart of C4’s schedules, and blasting off with a double header featuring one of the always excellent Hallowe’en specials.

Telly aficionados amongst our readership may not know that TV Today has a sister blog revolving around theatre. Every so often, Mark Shenton’s Newsblog covers topics that come within our scope, too — such as the current Saturday evening BBC1 reality show, How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?.

Mark’s latest blog posting delves into the reasons why he thinks Maria is bad for the industry:

There’s a great deal at stake here, not just the professionalism (or otherwise) of the people in the contest, but also the integrity of the theatrical process itself. Putting them on public display in this demeaning way is no way to encourage raw talent forward; it merely exposes them in a very public way. And the serious training that professional actors put themselves through is completely undermined as well if that can be entirely short-circuited by a process like this.

Mark also highlights the dismissive attitude taken by Belinda, the potential Maria who left the show on Saturday. In response to producer David Ian’s criticism of her performance, her only response was a dismissive, “What-ever!” Hardly, as Mark points out, the way to endear oneself either to your potential employer, or to the public paying money to both vote you into the job and, possibly, to see you in live performance.

This tradition of talking back to the panel has been a staple of the live talent show for some years now. In many ways, it has its genesis in the first series of Pop Idol, when Will Young stood up to Simon Cowell’s unwarranted denigration with a calm, eloquent rebuttal. From that, though, it now seems expected of contestants to argue back regardless — and while that may make good telly, it does nothing for the long-term reputation of the performer. It was this argumentative streak that, combined with a below-average performance, sealed Belinda’s fate on Saturday.

Of course, over on ITV1 the argumentative backchat was taken to a new level, as octogenarian Edna berated Cowell for his rudeness. As Liz noted on Friday, we can expect to see more of her during the rest of the series, even though it’s nominally a series about singing ability.

At least with Maria, it does seem as though the contestants with musical theatre training are most likely to win out (as I write this, Connie seems to be the bookies’ favourite). Which does make one wonder what the BBC1 programme actually achieves for the West End show, if the winning actress would have been just as able to get the part by conventional means.

At least in a standard audition, the show’s director would have had a say. As Mark points out, The Sound of Music director Jeremy Sams has been peculiarly absent from the selection process for his leading lady. And whoever wins the coveted role, that can’t be good.

I see, despite recent criticisms, that the BBC has splurged out more megabucks on retaining the services of one of the Corporation’s supposed star signings. As reported by The Stage, Graham Norton has pocketed a tasty £4million to stay with Auntie until 2009, despite wooing noises being sent by both ITV and Channel 4 attempting to sway the presenter to changing allegiances.

Is this wise, I ask myself? I’m a big admirer of Graham Norton, but is he really worth that much hard cash? He’s certainly a better proposition than he was 18 months ago. For one thing, he’s actually been given something to do, and although not a stellar hit, Strictly Dance Fever has provided some solid entertainment for its two series thus far. And then there’s Maria, which, as a show, is a fantastic fit for Norton’s talents. Pulling in around 5.2 million viewers, it’s doing well, but the first episode of The X Factor eclipsed it by a good 2million, clocking in at 7 million on the overnights.

That’s by the by though - How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?’s audience hasn’t been diminished by the arrival of Cowell and Co, showing that Norton, given the right show, can hold on to a core audience. And in the battleground that has become the Saturday night TV schedules, that is not to be sniffed at.

But 4 million quid? That’s a lot of dosh, even split across three years. As a license payer, am I allowed to ask exactly how that breaks down?

Considering the trouble the BBC got into over Norton’s lack of value for money in the early years of his contract, now is the time to get him working like he’s never worked before - or at least to the levels of his later Channel 4 days. One series of Dance Fever a year is just not going to be enough.

Suggestions from TV Today? The BBC faltered with rebooting The Generation Game with Paul O’Grady, so why not give Norton a go? Again, it would a great fit for a great presenter who is good at putting the public at their ease in tense, bonkers situations. And for the love of Reith, get the man back to do what he does best - a chat show in the true sense of the word, like you have Wossy doing on a Friday night…

And that gives me an idea. The Friday night chat slot on BBC1 should run all year round, but Jonathan Ross is never going to sign up to a full year run. Why not have your two big money signings taking it in turns to run the slot in a rotation of three month blocks? It could be the answer to How Do You Solve a Problem Like Graham?

Love Island draws to a close on Monday and, although for much of the seven weeks I’ve broadly ignored it, this past week has proved thoroughly entertaining viewing, as everyone loses any semblance of sanity they may have had.

No doubt some viewers will be wondering what do with themselves after the finale of The “Psycho” Sophie Anderton show and Big Boring Brother, but luckily that ratings banker The X Factor is back on screens this weekend and for once I’m onside. Well for the moment at least.

I’ve sneaked a peak at the first episode, on screens tomorrow night, and have to confess it’s a bit of a treat. Wickedly edited with a real sense of comic timing, there is a real pantomime feel to the show as though the producers, judges and audience are sharing an in joke that most of the dear old contestants have missed.

Apparently more folk than ever turned up to audition this time, which of course means the search yielded more freaks than ever. But Mr Nasty was more than up to the challenge, stepping up a gear with some belting putdowns.

My favourite so far:

“You’ve got the personality of three pencils when you sing,”

Ouch. Then as another hapless duo enter the fore he serves up this acerbic treat:

“You would have been old fashioned 40 years ago.”

Ouch. Ouch. Harsh but hilariously fair.

Of course this is The X Factor so there will some tug on heartstring moments. Episode 1 introduces us to a doll-like 16 year-old boy, who was so nervous he broke down in tears, in front of the judges, but more to the point, in front of the nation.

The kid has a voice, and the whole thing has a Gareth Gates feel about it so he could go all the way, which is lucky really because when his school friends see that, they could well kick the crap out of him for being such a wet blanket.

Still it wasn’t all plain sailing for the man with the highest waistband in pop, a tough-talking octogenarian going by the name of Edna took Cowell to task.

She even got an apology out of him. Crikey. Now don’t say that I told you, but word is, her approach and handling of the music svengali so ingratiated her with the show producers that she’ll be a regular feature on the series… in a sort of voice of the nation way.

Dear God, it’s back. The show where a bunch of talentless brain-dead retards flaunt their lack of ability for all the world to see, allowing their over-inflated egos to make them feel they deserve a status completely out of proportion to their level of ability. And that’s just the judges. Yes, The X Factor (Saturday 6:50pm, ITV1) is back again, after what seems like far too short a time off our screens. Obviously ITV want to start the new series off while the previous winner, Shayne Ward, still has a career to speak of.

Over on BBC1, How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria? (Saturday 6:50pm and 9:25pm) continues in its inexorable fashion. There’s nothing startlingly original about the format, especially in the main show, although it’s fun to watch Andrew Lloyd Webber’s face during some of the contestants’ songs. Getting the two singers with the lowest votes to sing again is hardly new, either — but getting them to sing together is a great touch. I haven’t quite decided if serenading the departing would-be Maria with a rendition of So Long, Farewell is a stroke of kitsch genius or one saccharine step too far.

The real must-watch of Saturday night has, for the past four weeks, been The Story of Light Entertainment (9:25pm, BBC2) and this week shows no sign of stopping. Whether it’s deliberate timing or just a marvellous coincidence that this episode falls on the same day as The X Factor’s return, this documentary series looks at the ever-present role of pop music in the world of LE. Thankfully, the subject matter dictates that this may well be the first episode of this superb series not to fawn at the feet of Little Britain — although how much do you want to bet Lucas and Walliams’ Rock Profiles get a mention? To accompany this week’s Story of LE, BBC4 have despatched Mark Lawson to interview Engelbert Humperdinck (Saturday 7:10pm, repeated 11:45pm), if you like that sort of thing.

At 10:55pm on Saturday, there’s the third and final part of Laughter in the House: the Story of British Sitcom, tackling the 1980s — the era of The Young Ones, Yes, Minister and Only Fools And Horses. For some reason, this is followed by the film version of Rising Damp (11:45pm), the 1970s sitcom. The film itself suffers from (a) using a real house (and one that’s far too light and airy) to represent Rigsby’s digs and (b) the absence of Richard Beckinsale. Still, if you haven’t seen it before, you may enjoy it. Me, I only saw it last weekend, on one of the umpteen showings on UK TV Drama…

Over to Sunday, and as with last week we have Dawn French’s Girls Who Do: Comedy (10:15pm, BBC1). This is a great show, if slightly let down by three things — not identifying any of the interviewees at all until right at the end; too much footage of French guffawing; and that bloody colon in the title. Luckily, there’s little competition from the terrestrial channels, although I suspect many people will be watching the last Big Brother’s Little Brother (10:00pm, Channel 4) — post-watershed in case Pete’s Tourettes turns the air blue, I suspect — and may even stay watching the channel for a special Big Borther-themed Eight out of Ten Cats (11.05pm). I won’t be one of them, partly because I find Jimmy Carr even less amusing than BB’s overgrown toddler, Nikki, and her relentless temper tantrums. Put them in a room together and I just wouldn’t know who to slap first.

Far better fun is to be had over on digital telly, with the final episode of Sinchronicity (10:00pm, BBC3). I’ve really enjoyed the series, even if (maybe because?) it’s a late-night retread of As If. It’s always good to see some really great drama come from BBC3, with Sinchronicity joining Bodies and Conviction in the channel’s impressive roll-call of shows. Fingers crossed there’ll be a second series.

Finally, although it’s an American film and clashes with most of the Saturday schedule outlined above, I’m going to recommend you watch Sideways (8:00pm, Sky Movies 4), if you haven’t seen it already — or even if you have. One of my favourite films of the last few years, it’s a comedy about two middle-aged men’s stag trip into California wine country, and is just wonderful. To be enjoyed while sipping from a large, heady glass of red wine. Just make sure, when selecting your bottle, not to choose a fucking Merlot…

For how many years have we been told by those who clearly know better that television is bad for your health? Well, here’s mud in the eye for the experts trying to get our little ones to watch less telly (although ITV has been doing a good enough job of that without much assistance), as a new medical report claims that watching cartoons can help children in distracting them from painful medical procedures, such as a blood test.

Using a measurement called the Oucher scale (which I’m finding amusing enough in itself), a research team at the University of Siena divided 69 children into three groups to have a blood test taken with different methods of pain distraction. The group that were given television to watch during the procedure indicated a lower experience of pain, compared to, for example, having your mother in the room.

This is good news for all sorts of reasons (although pity the poor mothers who are now competing with Underground Ernie in the “There, there” stakes). The day when your GP tells you to, “Take three Patrick Keiltys and call me in the morning,” will soon be here…

“Five US and Five Life will have ambition, scale and emotional intelligence”

… so says Nol Davies, head of creative services at Five on the subject of the channel’s impending autumn forays into the world of digital television with Five US and Five Life. On the surface, some might say that they’ll probably have wall to wall David Caruso and Trisha Goddard, but that would be picky. TV Today has been very nice to Five of late – the channel’s arts output just gets better and better, The Hotel Inspector is TV gold, and the return of Don’t Get Me Started this week is going to be required viewing…

Davies’s quote comes in relation to the announcement that design company Precursor has been hired to push forward the branding of the two new channels. Precursor will develop the overall look of the idents, logos, links and graphics. Davies goes on to say:

“We wanted to work with Precursor as creative partners who can help us build from the strong typographical brand of Five to achieve pioneering and fresh images for Five US and Five Life”

And it’s a fair bet that Precursor will come up with something very stylish for the brief it’s been given. A scan of the company’s website shows some impressive work, including E4’s current look and the rebranding of CD:UK.

Of the five terrestrials, Five currently has some of the most consistent on-screen branding. It’s stylish, unique and a world away from the horrendous launch material back in the day. Five’s look is streets ahead of the still excrutiatingly mawkish BBC1 indents (haven’t they danced their way into oblivion yet?) and less tricksy and clever than C4’s current branding which is just trying far too hard like the swot at the back of class. And as for ITV, I’m having trouble even recalling what it’s using at the moment, so, on top of all the other problems, maybe a good place to start would be to reclaim some brand identity that the public can relate to. My favourite out of the five has always been BBC2. I know people who would happily condemn those cute little 2s into their personal Room 101, but I look on them as simple, effective, and in no doubt about which channel they represent.

And what of Five US and Five Life? If Precursor can tap into the parent channel’s current on-screen image and develop it further, using the company’s clear exellence in the field of design and branding, then the prognosis is good. But as we all know, clothes don’t maketh the man, and some pretty graphics for the new channels are not, on their own, going to dispel the image that Five, rightly, or wrongly has…

Five US and Five Life will launch on cable and Freeview in the autumn. Five US will show a mix of imported shows (eg the CSI franchise, Grey’s Anatomy), while Five Life will extend a riff on the parent channel’s Milkshake segment for younger viewers, along with lifestyle programmes and movies geared towards a female audience.

You may remember a couple of years ago, when a little-known sitcom called The Office appeared. Apparently, it gathered a little bit of a cult following.

Writer-performers Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant, in a bid to keep the wolf from the door, made a couple of corporate videos for a small computer company by the name of Microsoft. They’re now available from video site iFilm.

UPDATE: It appears that the films were uploaded to iFilm without permission, and so we have removed the links from TV Today.

“YouTube’s newest rock star has emerged,” says Michael Calore on Wired.com’s blog. But there’s little to no music involved, just the talk of a 79-year-old man named Peter.

Peter (who goes by the name “geriatric1927”) began posting videos to YouTube.com one week ago, as he puts it “just to bitch and grumble about life in general from the perspective of an old person who’s been there and done that.”

For the most part, Peter specializes in his own brand of “geriatric grumbles” as he launches into opinionated monologues that are totally transfixing. He talks about motorcycles and news items that he finds maddening. He also delivers autobiographical snippets and reflects on what his life is like as a widower who lives alone.

There’s little to no visual content to Peter’s videos — just a gentleman sitting, headphones on, talking. But there’s something quite hypnotic about his voice, that makes it completely believable that his videos have, between them, been viewed over 1.5 million times.

• All geriatric1927’s videos (YouTube)

The big TV development of the week is the first outing (one of many over the coming days and weeks) for The One Show, being touted as a Nationwide for the 21st century, and with pedigree like that, Square Eyes had to give this a cursory once over. I think a more accurate comparison would be with Radio 4’s recently departed Home Truths, with a bit more bite. Certainly TV Today hero Adrian Chiles has that everyman amiability of the late John Peel and should be able to coax something workable from the format. Much like Nationwide, various reporters are sent out and about and report back to the studio, and the product has a very slick sheen about it. With credible support from Nadia Sawalha, The One Show could prove to be a highly welcome ease into the evening after a hard day at work.

If you missed the excellent double-header of Corrie wedding episodes (Monday, 7.30pm ITV1), you might want to look in at the latest spin-off from the Hollyoaks universe, In the City (Monday 9pm, E4). And then you’ll probably want to run straight back out. After the heights of Hollyoaks: Let Loose, Ben and Lisa (Marcus Patric and Gemma Atkinson) find themselves in a seedy underworld of drugs, gangsters, models and Philip Olivier in his pants… so, at least there’s something to recommend it at a certain level

After last week’s barnstorming opener (comedy nudity is always a winner), Kath and Kim (Monday 10pm, BBC2) beds in nicely for this second series run. Brett and Kim are having some DIY hell, and Kel attempts to take over the household chores, much to Kath’s arch dismay.

Finally, and you may need to sit down for this - I’m going to recommend Love Island (Monday 10pm, ITV1). “What?!” you cry, but ever so slowly, this TV aberration has been creeping into my peripheral vision, thanks to the utter lunacy of Sophie Anderton. Tonight, star of Celebrity Wrestling Kate Lawler is supposedly flying in, and the twist here is that Ms Anderton has it specifically written into her contract that she will not work with La Lawler. That sounds to me like a signal to hail Love Island as one of the greatest works ever to grace the reality genre. It’s still mindless, fairly tedious nonsense, but it finally found the button marked entertainment.

Channel 5 once again bucks the trend of its tawdry image with the return of Don’t Get Me Started (Tuesday 7.15pm, Five). Here, well-known figures talk with passion about a subject important to them, and in this first episode, Woman’s Hour legend Jenni Murray orates at length on her support for assisted euthanasia. It’s an emotive subject, for sure, and more so considering Murray’s recent declarations in the media. It almost makes me sorry that CSI: Miami (9pm) is the next best thing on Five that night.

Turn Back Time (Wednesday 10pm, BBC2) is turning into a very enjoyable series, not least because Dara O’Briain is just utterly brilliant in his hosting of this nostalgia-tinged trip down memory lane for his guests. Tonight, Jim Moir, otherwise known as Vic Reeves, delves into his past for some revelations, and it’s all very fluffy and lovely. But, as the recent repeat of Three Men in a Boat elegantly shows, O’Briain is always the star of the show.

If you fancy diving into the varied pool that is the world of multi-channel, set course for Sky Three for a repeat of the first season of Weeds (Wednesday 10pm, Sky Three). If you aren’t totally smitten with this US drama about a widow who now supports her young family by selling dope, then you have no heart. Not least of all, Mary-Louise Parker’s central performance should be enough to keep you mesmerised with this cable show that can give the likes of Six Feet Under and The Shield a run for their money.

Thursday night means two things – Dragon’s Den and Bad Girls. Dragon’s Den (8pm, BBC2) is nicely filling the void left by the (admittedly superior) The Apprentice. Compelling? Oh yes. Silly? You bet. Scary? Uh huh! The Dragon’s (ridiculous name, but somehow it fits) only have to belch at the bonkers ideas they’re supposed to invest in for me to jump out of my chair in fear.

And as for Bad Girls (9pm, ITV1), it’s wedding time at Larkhall as the marriage of Julie S’s son is blessed at the prison. But, this is nothing to the full-on bitch-fight that ensues round the back of the bins between Pat and Nat. They don’t call them bad girls for nothing.

And Friday seems a bit quiet. Aside from My Hero (snigger), there doesn’t seem to be a great deal… Oh, hang on. I completely missed the Big Brother Final (Friday 8pm, C4). Damn, how remiss of me. Erm… yeah, whatever. I’d actually forgotten it was still on, so…

Personally, I’d plumb for The Kumars at No 42 (Friday 9.30pm, BBC1). The Kumars is a show that previously, I just haven’t got, but the inclusion of Alan Alda as a guest this week has piqued my interest enough to tune in. Alda remains one of my favourite actors of all time, and the opportunity to see him speak is always to be cherished.

There were 12 of us huddled together on Saturday night, each sporting a hotchpotch of thermal clothing; I’m talking hats, scarves and even Totes bloody socks. In the middle of August. I don’t want to get all Grumpy Old Men on you but can you believe it?

Film4 kindly gave me tickets to attend the big screen broadcast of Stanley Kubrick classic The Shining, probably like me, envisioning clear skies and balmy evenings for their Summer Screen bonanza. Not a chance.

Undeterred we gather together on complimentary rugs insulating our bodies with beer. Around me though a whole other world was setting up camp, festival crusties with sleeping bags, cute couples with thermos flasks, one group even brought a small tent.

Ah that British spirit. Utterly insane and yet admirably sweet in equal proportions. I fully admit I did want to throw my toys out of the pram, when the courtyard was engulfed in what can only be described by a minor squall, nearly grabbing the loudspeaker and announcing that I had a perfectly reasonable sized television at home and we could all just go and watch the DVD.

It passed when I was handed a glorious pot of bangers and mash from the food stall and the film music began. It might be as old as I am, but in terms of cinematic majesty, this still holds it own.

I was still scared and I knew what was coming and moreover was surrounded by a sea of cagouled viewers, looking like a kitsch legion of Doctor Who baddies. But on a broader scale the icy, but brilliant sound track – in my view one of the best bits of the film – seemed all the more sinister in a moonlit courtyard guarded by gothic gargoyles.

The best bit about open air screenings is the beer and mates combo so if you can brave the elements and don’t mind looking like a chump in a plastic poncho for a couple of hours, it’s well worth it.

There will be screenings all this week until Saturday, where the event closes with The Big Lebowski.

• Film screenings at Somerset House

Internet service provider Tiscali is moving into the IPTV market, with the acquisition of Video Networks International’s UK-based video-on-demand service, Homechoice.

Homechoice currently has 45,000 subscribers, most of whom subscribe to the ‘triple play’ of broadband, telephone and internet television (IPTV) service. Following the takeover of Homechoice, Tiscali will start offering IPTV services as part of its own products and services to its existing 1.3 million broadband customers. IPTV will also be made available in Tiscali’s wholesale packages (i.e., the ‘white label’ product it sells to third party ISPs who then stick on their own branding and resell to consumers).

The news follows Homechoice’s difficulty in raising funding to expand its own network beyond London and Stevenage. The new deal should allow Tiscali to offer the service nationwide, local exchanges permitting.

With BT promising to launch its Vision service sometime soon, it looks like the IPTV market is hotting up.

A quick nod for BBC 4’s decision to rerun the quite excellent Spiral, the French thriller series that discerning fans of the crime genre picked up on and that TV Today waxed lyrical about back when we were knee high to a grasshopper.

If you can stay up past your bedtime, you can catch the series running this week, starting with two episodes back-to-back on Sunday eveening at 11pm. Put the coffee on and keep your eyes open, as it is well worth it. Imagine if CSI and 24 had a love child and then the child went on to get a doctorate from a chic European university - that’s what it feels like. The series has a sheen of intelligence that far outstrips its cousins from either the UK or US and is deliciously compelling.

Along with the repeat run of I, Claudius and some often great documentary output, BBC4 is rapidly becoming one of my favourite television places to be.

It’s a bit of a comedy navel-gazing weekend this week, with the BBC offering the best part of three hours worth of analysis of comedy and comedians.

It kicks off with this week’s edition of The Story of Light Entertainment (Saturday, 9:25pm, BBC Two), which concentrates on comedians. When this series started, I was initially sceptical that there’d be enough material to fill eight episodes of an hour and a half each, and that splitting programmes by genre rather than chronologically would make for a weaker show. So far, I’m glad to say I’ve been wrong on both counts — although as soon as each programme mentions television, it’s as if radio and theatre performances no longer exist.

Following straight after is a welcome repeat of Laughter in the House: the Story of British Sitcom (Saturday 10:55pm, BBC Two). This week looks at the 1970s, possibly the high point of this country’s situation comedy back catalogue. I remain to be convinced that scheduling these two programmes back-to-back is a terribly good idea — there’s only so much nostalgia you can enjoy in a single evening, surely?

At least we’ll get a respite for the best part of twenty-four hours, until Mrs Lenny Henry gives us Dawn French’s Girls Who Do: Comedy (Sunday 10:15pm, BBC One), a series of conversations with female comedians from all over the world. Among the contributors is the late (and much missed) Linda Smith.

On the drama front, we’re past the halfway point in The Chase (Sunday 8:00pm, BBC One). Last week’s episode was the first to be written by someone other than series creator Kay Mellor — although the writing baton didn’t travel far, being taken up by Kay’s daughter Gaynor Mellor who, as Gaynor Faye, is better known as the series’ lead actress. On the strength of last week’s episode, I’d have to hope she sticks to the day job, as it was soul-destroying stuff, pretty much chock full of people being miserable with one another and lame attempts at farcical comedy. This week’s episode, by Ruth Jones, will hopefully improve matters. Thankfully, BBC Three’s sublime Sinchronicity (Sunday, 10:00pm) has been consistently superb, and this week’s episode shows no signs of bucking the trend.

On the reality TV front, How Do You Solve A problem Like Maria? (Saturday 6:50pm, BBC One) steps into high gear this week, as the live studio elimination rounds kick off. Last week’s episode ended with a nail-biting disagreement between the judges over who should fill the final place in the finals. Eventually, stroppy Emilie won out over David Ian’s favourite, Siobhan. However, since that was filmed, Emilie has dropped out, allowing Siobhan back in.

Over in ITV1, The X Factor: After The X (Saturday, 6:50pm) looks at the how the lives of last series’ finalists, including winner Shayne Ward, have changed since the show. As is ITV’s way, they can’t just have a single programme about this, oh deary me no. Once that programme’s over, The Xtra Factor: After The X (Saturday, 7:55pm, ITV2) subjects to another hour of the same old tosh. And they wonder why the broadcaster’s in trouble…

I don’t know if it’s because I’m looking at this story from the inside out, but the furore over tabloid journalists tapping phones to get stories seems wildly out of control. As with the Kate Moss cocaine allegations, I’m just bewildered that any of this news has come as a surprise. In fact I’m amazed that -– apart from the royal interest -– that any of this is news. I’m even more bewildered at the way the papers are reporting it, all caught in the pantomime cartoon of indignance and shock.

In the past, dozens of my television contacts have revealed that their phones have been tapped. None of them are surprised, although some of them are, it has to be said, bemused. Even an ex-flame of mine had his phone tapped, not because he is famous or newsworthy but because he knows one or two folk that might be.

This dark art is a tried and tested tool of investigative/scandal driven journalism. It doesn’t proliferate throughout Fleet Street as much as it perhaps once did, but lurid details of phone calls, texts, illicit meetings and the like come from somewhere. And it ain’t just sell-out “friends” or bitter lovers.

Frankly, according to one of my more showbiz chums, it’s more of an insult at a certain level of the fame game not to have had your phone tapped.

As a grizzled TV hack, my working day brings me into regular contact with the masses and masses of soap storyline documents. In fact, my desk heaves and creaks alarmingly when the latest dispatches arrive from Soapland, stacking up with top secret documents from EastEnders thorugh to Home and Away. I have a recurring nightmare that one day, I will be buried alive under a deluge of EastEnders comedy plotlines involving Minty and Garry.

After nearly three years of being exposed to these highly classified advance documents (yes, I have signed the soap Official Secrets Act), I suddenly noticed something on the storylines for Neighbours (despite having looked at them every single day). Every episode has a title. Not that interesting in itself, but there’s a whole level of creation that goes into the pun-tastic nature of these titles.

So, for the sake of some Friday fluffiness, let’s forget about ITV and Charles Allen, Big Brother phone line debacles and EastEnders sex and violence shockers… because here, for your amusement, we have a Monday to Friday run-down of this week’s Ramsay Street classics:

Monday: The Unrighteous Brothers

Tuesday: Grizzle While You Work

Wednesday: The Shame of the Rose

Thursday: There’s a New Kid in Gown

Friday: Bubble Indemnity

Well I don’t know about you, but that’s made my week. A slow start, but Wednesday and Friday are belters.

And bless the Neighbours. 5000 episodes old next month, and still chugging on like a faithful old dog. But can soembody answer one question? I thought Harold Bishop died…

TV Today is indebted to Rob Buckley for pointing us to two highly subjective lists: the best and worst opening title sequences of all time — if you only count science-fiction and fantasy shows.

A quick rundown, with links to flagrantly copyright-abusing YouTube examples:

 Best

1. Firefly
2. Space: 1999
3. The Six Million Dollar Man
4. Doctor Who (Tom Baker and Eccleston/Tennant versions)
5. Star Trek: Voyager
6. Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
7. Star Trek: The Next Generation
8. Mystery Science Theater 3000
9. The Greatest American Hero
10. Battlestar Galactica (original series)

 Worst

1. Enterprise
2. Cleopatra 2525
3. Battlestar Galactica (new series)
4. V
5. Babylon 5
6. Charmed
7. Xena: Warrior Princess
8. The Bionic Woman
9. Manimal
10. Land of Lost

Now, everybody is going to have their opinions on inclusions on either list — so let’s hear them. Rob suggests The Tomorrow People and The Prisoner for inclusion in the best list.

Personally, I’d drop the current Doctor Who titles form my top ten — more because I’m completely anal and hate the flagrant disregard for typographical consistency (you end up with three different sans serif families on screen in the space of thirty seconds, which can never be good). Personally, I’d add the Sylvester McCoy era CGI into the worst list — complete with asteroids that only look solid when looked at from one direction (which, given that they’re filmed tumbling through space, cannot be good).

And if we were to extend the list out beyond fantasy and science-fiction shows, what should get your vote? Certainly, I can’t think of many current programmes worthy of inclusion on the list. Hustle would get a vote from me, if only because they at least attempt to do something that sets the tone, without resorting to a sequence of clips. The current Mastermind sequence, while still retaining the classic music, is a little too obvious with its CGI chair to be truly effective.

Elsewhere, opening credits seem to be a dying art. But what’s your favourite? And which sequences can’t you abide? Add your comments below!

With much rolling of drums, ITV has let slip the secret weapon that it hopes will revitalise the prospects of the not-as-ailing-as-it-was-last-week network.

And this secret weapon is… wait for it… we’ll drag it out longer than Davina announcing an eviction… just a little bit longer…

Rupert Grint!

Ta da! Erm… Oh. Is that it?

I don’t know whether to laugh, cheer or cry. It seems that the flame-haired Grint, most famous for playing Harry Potter’s drippy sidekick Ron Weasley, has been signed to an unspecified drama project with the network. Grint’s CV is ever so slightly limited, having Harry Potter and erm… the film Thunderpants (about a boy who goes into space powered by his own gaseous emanations. Highbrow then). I like a bit of Harry Potter as much as the next self-concious adult on the train, but it seems odd to push Grint in the middle of the hopes for an upturn in fortunes at ITV.

Unless, and this is where confusion may reign, he’s been signed to some fabulous new prime time family drama, in which the actor would doubtless be appealing to the right kiddie demographic. Or, it’s entirely possible that everyone is getting confused over ITVs plans to air the film Driving Lessons, starring Grint, Julie Walters and Laura Linney, sometime this autumn, very soon after its turn in the cinema. If that’s the case, why the shrouding in secrecy?

I for one am more cheered by the prospect of new Cracker and Prime Suspect, and loath though I am to admit it, the return of The X Factor is getting me all of a dither (and if there’s more Rebus with Ken Stott before Christmas, I’ll definitely be cheering on the ITV touchlines in my fickle way). I just wish ITV would get on with officially announcing the autumn shcedule, but we’re all going have to wait for the MediaGuardian Edinburgh International Television Festival on the 25th August.

The irony could be that Charles Allen could have ducked to dodge the inevitable bullet at just the wrong moment. With some bankable shows that have a track record at solid, sometimes stellar ratings, queing up in the autumnal schedules, ITV could be on the verge of a massive ratings upswing. Sadly, Allen won’t be able to reap the rewards of any potential success that might just be about to ride over the hill.

It’s been a few weeks since the tabloid frenzy that accompanied EastEnders’ impressive double whammy of posting the BBC1 flagship soap/drama’s lowest ever ratings ever – both in the same week. And now it’s all gone quiet on the ratings front from the slavering hounds of the press, meaning that it’s entirely possible that EastEnders isn’t the soap in terminal decline that some would have us believe. It’s not exactly front-page news to declare “EASTENDERS ONE OF BRITAIN’S MOST POPULAR TV SHOWS”.

But what is the reality of the ratings landscape in Soapland? Let’s dive in and have a look…

For the week ending 6th August, the Top 20 overnight ratings looks something like this:

1 9.6 Coronation Street ITV - MON

SOURCE: BARB (http://www.barb.co.uk/)

Aside from two episodes of Silent Witness, The Lottery, Casualty and an edition of the news, the Top 20 is dominated by the soaps. Nothing new there then, and neither is the tit-for-tat battle that fireworks through the Top 10 between Corrie and Enders. I’m not going to go deeply into statistics, that isn’t what we do here, but EastEnders is clearly in rude health and there’s not much to call it between the two big soaps. Similarly, Emmerdale is doing brisk business…

Nothing to particularly trouble the scorer, but there are questions to be asked about the ratings, and one that again raises concern for ITV – is the network’s ratings performance top heavy and skewed towards two staple, high rating shows that hide a weak and flimsy structure further down the tree?

And as for the soaps, the next battle may come during Bank Holiday week if ITV decide to pull a fast one and stick an hour long Emmerdale up against EastEnders – again…

Personal digital video recorders (PVRs) for digital terrestrial TV are nothing new. This Christmas, though, the shops will see the first Freeview-branded PVRs. However, it seems that ITV (yes, sorry, we can’t get away from them today) want to impose a speed limit on the boxes, to be branded Freeview Playback, so that viewers can’t buzz past the ads at anything greater than 16× speed.

It seems a little crazy, especially when the country’s largest competitor, the Sky+ box, offers 30× fast forward regardless of content, to effectively nobble your own product so it can offer less functionality than your rival. Martin Conaghan says on blog PVR Wire:

ITV is part of the Freeview consortium, but they’re the only broadcaster in the group so far to make such a risible demand, and if they succeed in getting the restriction put in place, they’ll only drive users into the arms of BSkyB.

While they’re the only Freeview consortium members to make these sort of demands, ITV have fellow travellers in the guide of America’s ABC.

It seems to me that a lot of the people who protest at PVRs’ ability to skip over ads seem to predicate all their decision making on the presumption that, without a PVR, people sit and watch every single ad break. In general, we don’t — whether it’s off making a cup of tea, having a toilet break, or reading Radio Times to work out what we’re going to watch next, the ad break is always bottom of the list of priorities.

With a PVR, though, fast forwarding through an ad break becomes a visual interaction. You may not be hearing the soundtrack, but you have to watch the screen to work out when to press ‘play’ again. As such, any arresting visual imagery that flashes past has the potential to gain a viewer’s attention in ways that it may not if it’s just the background accompaniment.

There is a key to getting people to watch ad breaks. And that’s to make better adverts.

A writer for videogames blog Kotaku has turned down an invitation to appear as an expert on ITV’s flagship current affairs show, Tonight with Trevor Macdonald, because he felt the question they were asking wasn’t good enough. In this case, “Are video games addictive?”

Part of his response:

As for whether or not video games are addictive, well, isn’t anything? I assume your question is not whether games are chemically addictive in and of themselves (because that’s absurd), but rather if they are psychologically so. If that’s your question — “Are games psychologically addictive?” — then the answer is yes. So is reading. So is watching television. So is opera. So is basking in the sun. So is sex. So is scratching your crotch. And so on…

…I’d personally rephrase the question, to get better feedback from both sides. The current question merely encourages ignorant ranting.

Now, I must hold my hand up and say that I’ve had first hand experience of Tonight’s particular style of rant-inducing “factular reporting”, as presenter Jonathan Maitland described it. So maybe I’m a little bit biased. But well-researched current affairs programmes that ask the right questions are an essential part of our TV schedules. Tonight has often dealt with some great stories in a captivating way — its exposure of some of the unpleasant elements in the Fathers4Justice pressure group was a particular highlight — but all too often can be a little too frivolous in its coverage of issues.

With Panorama set to rejoin the weekday peaktime schedules in a half-hour, Tonight-style format, one would hope that both programmes will be fighting to gain the upper ground when it comes to quality journalism.

So, the news that everybody’s been expecting has finally been confirmed, with Charles Allen announcing that he’s going to be leaving the Gray’s Inn Road house, with no chance of being voted back in.

The news comes as speculation suggests that ITV is considering bidding for the rights to Big Brother. Channel 4’s current agreement comes to an end after series eight next year.

Despite the current furore over whether formerly evicted housemates should be allowed back in to the house, there’s little doubt that the programme has enough viewer loyalty to bring a much-needed boost to a key demographic that ITV needs to bolster its flagging advertising income. But besides that advantage (and one that, if it comes off, won’t be felt for another two years) there are other, more immediate, benefits to ITV courting BB makers Endemol so publicly.

Firstly, it shows that the broadcaster’s serious about building its audience share again. People have been calling ITV many things recently, but “alpha male” really isn’t one of them. An aggressive fight with Channel 4 will do much to encourage investors that ITV’s management team are going to go all-out to rescue ITV1 from its current downward spiral.

Secondly, it could signal that they’re open to approaches from other successful programme strands. Why remake Terrible Fat Tots Life Swap Farm when you can buy the next series of the original?

Also, notably, it will force Channel 4 to commit more money if they want to keep Big Brother. The broadcast advertising downturn hasn’t just hit ITV plc — Channel 4 have had to freeze their programming budget, delaying the launch of their new breakfast show. By entering into a bidding war for the show that, more than any other, defines their brand, Channel 4 will be less equipped to commit money to other programming. Not necessarily good for viewers, performers or other professional programme-makers, but hey, that’s business.

So even if ITV isn’t that serious about getting Big Brother — or even if it is, but is outbid by Channel 4 — going after it at all is a good move.

Of course, that such a move can even be mooted shows the vulnerability of Channel 4’s 100%-indie model. Recent speculation about ITV’s future included the possibility of ITV Productions, the channel’s programme-making arm, being sold off to form a super-indie, in conjunction with a possible takeover bid by Roger Parry, chairman of Johnston Press. While Broadcast reported that ITV Productions staff favoured a sell-off, doing so would deprive ITV of its in-house ownership of content, including Coronation Street and Emmerdale. A sell-off would leave Network Centre horribly exposed, in much the same way as Channel 4 seem now with the prospect of losing the programme that keeps their head above water while ITV are flounering.

Thank the maker – Kath and Kim is back (Monday 10pm, BBC2), so we can all rest easy and make Monday nights appointment TV for the next few weeks. Some may find this cult Aussie comedy a bit of an acquired taste, but it’s brutally funny, and this second series opener catches up with the irrepressible mother and daughter on New Year’s Eve. Kath is off sex (gasp!), but new hubby Kel is helping out with that little dilemma, and Kim thinks the key to patching things up with Brett is to get pregnant. As midnight comes, will everybody still be friends? Sheer bliss.

Earlier in the evening, and this is an embarrassing omission from the weekend edition of Square Eyes, BBC4 is showing I, Claudius throughout the week (Monday-Friday 9pm, BBC4), and it’s worth dipping in to see what used to happen when telly was, you know, good. And I don’t just mean good, I mean really good. It looks like a BBC adaptation of a Shakespeare play, but there is some real alchemy on show to turn some cheap looking sets into the great Roman Empire, and the performances are truly electric. Not one member of the cast drops the ball – Jacobi, Blessed, Hurt, Sian Phillips – all at the top of their game and rarely bettering what they achieved later in their careers. As a pleasant After Eight to the highs of the meaty main course, each episode is followed by a dusting off for Up Pompeii. And that’s all that need be said.

It might be a pale imitation of Clocking Off, but there’s still a lot to enjoy in Daniel Brockelhurst’s Sorted (Tuesday 9pm BBC1), and this week it’s the turn of Jack (Mark Womack) to come under the microscope. He might be having great success in the bedroom, but family problems elsewhere and a suspension from work, not to mention his ever so slightly dodgy past being sussed, mean there’s plenty to frown about.

Coronation Street is good fun this week, and the saga of the battle for the Baldwin empire continues (Wednesday 7.30pm, ITV1) as the increasingly sleazy and crazy-eyed Adam is convinced that he’s won against his even sleazier half bro Danny. Deep down though, aren’t we all just rooting for Danny to win, just cos he’s played by (the grudgingly brilliant) Bradley Walsh. The hair in Corrie troubles me at the moment, as it seems there’s only one Paul Weller-styled Playmobil clip-on wig to share around between Adam, Craig Harris and David Platt.

Robert Winston (who must be the only Lord to look like a porn star) teams up with one of my current TV crushes, Dr Tanya Byron (up there with the sainted Sarah Beeny in my crowded affections) for How to Improve Your Memory (Wednesday 8pm, BBC1). In this interactive special, the duo take over Longleat House, rename it Memory Manor (chortle) and invite guests from the general public and the land of the celebs to take part in exercises related to memory retention. Among the celebrities we find Alan Titchmarsh, Charlie Dimmock and Jilly Goolden. So, top drawer all the way then…

Rob Brydon is a TV Today favourite, but sometimes I have to look askance at Supernova (Thursday 9.30pm, BBC2) to help myself enjoy it. The concept of Brydon’s fish out of water astronomer working at the Royal Australian Observatory is beguiling, generally for Brydon’s always-excellent presence, but something never quite gets going. You desperately want to like it, and I usually get to that goal by the end, but it is a bit exhausting to concentrate on enjoying something so much when it should have been laugh out loud funny from the first second of the episode.

And the problem Supernova faces is in the hefty competition from Bad Girls (Thursday 9pm, ITV1). Halfway through the insanity of life on G-Wing, is anybody going to be persuaded to zap over to Beeb 2 for a looksee? Sadly, I think not…

Charlie Brooker’s Screen Wipe (Thursday 10.30pm, BBC4) is a gem that has kept slipping through the Square Eyes net, and that’s a criminal oversight. For any self-respecting consumer of the box, this is required viewing, riffing on Brooker’s always sagely fabulous scribblings in his popular Guardian column. It’s good to see the man himself more relaxed during his to camera pieces than he was during the pilot run, and here’s hoping Screen Wipe is here to stay for a good long while.

I like Fridays. It brings with it two of my favourite TV related pastimes. My Hero (8.30, BBC1) is a good opportunity to get the frustrations of the week out of my system by laughing and pointing (and not in a good way) for half an hour. Go on, try it, see how great you feel afterwards. And then I like to relax, put my feet up and remember why TV is just about the greatest medium ever invented. The Shield (11pm, Five) is so damn good this year, it hurts. The battle of wills between Vic Mackey and internal-affairs officer Kavanaugh continues, with Kavanaugh going out of his way to freak out Mackey and the strike team. This is majestically made TV, and one that I’ll always be happy to end the week on.

It’s a bit of a strange admission, but it seems I just can’t get enough of the BBC’s factual entertainment output. The Apprentice, Who Do You Think You Are and, once again, Dragon’s Den have got me hooked. Last night I hurried home from a perfectly reasonable party so that I could watch it in relative sobriety. I can’t tell you what is so appealing about a man trying to sell an invention that enables you to cook an egg without water. I’m perfectly happy doing it the normal way.

The guy in question — James Seddon — could easily have been insane. The invention, imaginatively called Eggxactly, didn’t even come through on the night. Apparently it works by cocooning the egg in a flexible plastic element, which is heated to just over 100°C and can be set to four levels of hardness, depending on how you like your eggs. Last night the only option seemed to be er… raw. But somehow despite his best efforts the nutty professor managed to get two of the investors to come up with £75,000 to develop the product. And in spite of myself, I was glad. Genius.

I’m less convinced at the moment about Armando Iannucci’s Time Trumpet. Set in 2031 and billed as a ‘look back at now’ in the style of those I Love 198? Shows. It’s very clever — maybe a little too clever and a little too silly in equal amounts. The nonsense about Charlotte Church vomiting herself inside out dragged on far too long and was frankly pretty boring. It has to be said though, the final few minutes as the show cut between clips of Tony Blair and David Cameron leading into a montage of the two speaking to the music of David Bowie’s Changes, were brilliant.

Ah, another weekend, another realisation that there’s practically naff all on the box. But never fear, Square Eyes is here to guide you through the multi-channel maelstrom

… and the best I can do is a repeat of Star Trek (Saturday 12.25pm, BBC2). Well, not really, but I haven’t seen any of the original Trek for many a year, and with BBC2 running the complete series on Saturday afternoons I’ve taken the opportunity to dip in. And you know something, it’s brilliant. It’s colourful, bright and played with so much conviction. It’s rare to see a show get it right from the word go, but Star Trek did it, and it’s educational to watch William Shatner in his prime before he became the caricature he is today. Definitely a guilty pleasure for the post Friday night hangover, but an entertaining one none the less.

And then the rest of Saturday is a cruise through old movies and sit com repeats, a trip to Prehistoric Park (Saturday 7.25, ITV1), which despite being a bit lame and five years too late, is a lot of fun. I also suggest a stop-off at Casualty (Saturday 8.35pm, BBC1) and pause for a second to wonder when it got quite so shockingly bad. It has the stilted awkwardness of the worst kind of Am Dram production, but at least the legendary Charlie (Derek Thompson) has the decency to look faintly embarrassed by the whole thing.

Frippery aside, my best recommendation would be to dive into some top documentary action. C4 devotes two hours to The Great British Black Invasion (Saturday 7.25pm), chronicling the story of Britain’s black population from the 1950s to the present day. Fascinating and pretty exhaustive, those contributing include Paul Boateng, Linford Christie and Ekow Eshun.

The Great British Black Invasion finishes nicely in time to switch over for The Story of Light Entertainment (Saturday 9.25pm, BBC2), and this week we’re looking at radio personalities, and how their work on radio prepared them for the rigours of television. The Story… has turned out to be highly enjoyable, nostalgic fare, and with the departure of Top of the Pops last week, it’s good to see the likes of Noel Edmunds and Tony Blackburn popping up here, along with comedy greats Tony Hancock and the Little Britain boys.

If none of this grabs you, then you can do much worse than cutting your losses and heading to E4 for three episodes back-to-back of the sublimely magnificent My Name is Earl (Saturday 9pm, E4). Bliss.

Sunday doesn’t really provide much until the evening (unless of course you count an episode of Diagnosis Murder (1.55, BBC1), which funnily enough, I do…).

A double-header of drama props up the BBC1 evening schedules, with The Chase (8pm), followed by Silent Witness (9pm), and on the whole, they’re not bad really. Kay Mellor delivers above average northern family shenanigans in the vet drama starring Gaynor Faye and Nicola Stephenson, and this week guest-stars Jack (Wycliffe) Shepherd as Tom’s dad, Jim.

Silent Witness is an odd one, long past the days when we tuned in to see just how tragic Dr Sam Ryan’s love life could get. Now it’s all about stolen flirty glances over the corpses between youngsters Harry and Nikki, while boss Leo lends a tortured air of wisdom for them. But I’m still a sucker for a good crime drama, and until Waking the Dead returns, this will pass the time.

After his Ethiopian trials in the excellent Tribe, Bruce Parry decides to cool off and take his next assignment in a different direction – 2,500 miles across Greenland to recreate Scott’s race to the South Pole. Blizzard: Race to the Poll (Sunday 9pm, BBC2) is a six-part trial of human endeavour, with a British team (led by Parry) and a Norwegian team both using the same type of equipment as their predecessors to reach their destination.

Now if they could only have retooled Love Island on similar lines, it would be much more entertaining!

Isn’t it always the way? You try to say something positive and nice about ITV, and then the notion of the company’s CEO, Charles Allen, stepping down from the ailing and troubled company becomes a solid reality (there was no way round using ‘ailing’ and ‘troubled’ this time).

I’m feeling for Mr Allen at this moment – it must knock your confidence a bit when as soon as you offer to quit the top job, shares in ITV jump by 4.64 per cent on a wave of positive speculation over a successor. That has to hurt, but I suspect Allen is doing what he believes is right to secure the long-term future of a company he holds dear to his heart, having been with Granada since 1991 (although as Chief Exec of Granada Leisure, he was in charge of some motorway service stations and a backstage tour).

It was inevitable that somebody at ITV was going to have to fall on their sword sooner rather than later, if only to stem the onslaught of negative press and satisfy shareholders (lest we not forget that ITV is supposed to be in the business of making money). Will this happen? There does seem to be a sense of drawing a line under things, and come the August 9 board meeting in which it’s inevitable that Mr Allen will announce his resignation, the staff at Network Centre might start to breath a little easier. New starts, and all that.

But will anything really change? Mr Allen was responsible for throwing £120 million at buying Friends Reunited, which has largely been considered a bad move. So too was negotiating the contract rights renewal scheme that effectively constrained the advertising revenue ITV could make. Allen was making some bad decisions, that much is clear, but that means nothing to the man on the street.

To Joe and Jane Public, ITV is in the business of making TV programmes. That’s what they care about. They don’t care that ITV owns Friends Reunited, they don’t have much of an opinion on the network’s ad revenues. What they really care about is good telly, and on current form, ITV is making a pretty poor fist of that at the moment.

So, the real question is: has the right man taken the bullet? Much of the coverage about Allen’s imminent departure has focussed on replacement names, with anyone from Greg Dyke to Dawn Airey having their name thrown into the hat (although not necessarily by them). Personally, I really don’t care who takes over. I care that the suits in charge of programme making, of commissioning, of providing the creative output of ITV are the ones making the right decisions to guide ITV back to being the great British brand it used to be, and so easily could be again.

Time was, Saturday night was all about the TV schedule. Got a major hit? Stick it on a Saturday night. In comparison, weekdays were, well, weak days. For a while, attention shifted to Friday night, especially back in the years where Channel 4 could show new episodes of Friends and didn’t have the albatross of the latest wannabe chucked out of the Big Brother compound. But somehow, Thursday seems to have become the day when the networks pull out the big guns.

Take tonight, for instance. BBC Two comes out of the gate with three new series: wacky inventors in the business-funding-meets-light-entertainment Dragons’ Den, while later Rob Brydon returns in Aussie-set sitcom Supernova, followed by Armando Ianucci’s sharply satirical Time Trumpet. After Newsnight, another TV-related BBC4 Timeshift documentary gets a first airing on terrestrial, this time looking at how drama-documentaries can easily distort the truth.

Elsewhere on terrestrial, if you skip over the pointless oh-my-god-they’re-detectives-and-they’re-so-mismatched Inspector Lynley Mysteries on BBC1, there’s ITV1’s glorious Bad Girls and Channel 4’s even badder girls in Sugar Rush. Skip to the world of digital and BBC3’s new documentary series, Welcome to my World, looks at the world of stand-up comedy. At the same time, BBC4 conntinues Charlie Brooker’s Screenwipe, half an hour of the Guardian columnist’s trademark bile and vitriol aimed at television in general with all the ferocity of someone who loves telly, but hates programme makers. Great fun.

And then there are the US imports — Scrubs and The War At Home on E4, Deadwood on Sky One, and on Living TV, the sublime Veronica Mars and the not-as-good-as-it-used-to-be-but-still-funny Will and Grace.

I think this is the first time in a long while (if ever) that my Sky+ planner has a whole page of programmes set to record in one single evening. Now I just have to find the time to watch them all before next Thursday…

No, it’s Chris Moyles!

He was a big hit on The X Factor: Battle of the Stars, and now it seems ITV is trying to woo the controversial DJ to sign on the dotted line to come and front his own show for the network. (And I would like it noting for the record that I did not once refer to ITV as ‘troubled’ or ‘ailing’).

Is this a good idea, and how far does it go to dispelling the current media image of ITV as, well, a bit desperate? As ratings tumble (and I’ll take great pains to point out that no network has had a particularly good summer in a bums on seats way), it looks like there’s a scramble at Network Centre to grab a peg and shove it in any old hole, whatever shape that might be.

Cautiously, I’m going to put my hat into the ring on this and say I think Moyles might actually be a good fit for ITV and is one of the first sensible industry rumblings to come from the network in recent times. It doesn’t have that same grubby undertone that the scrum to sign Graham Norton to the Beeb had without any consideration to the shows he might end up fronting. Finally, after nearly two years, they’ve got it right with Maria, but that’s a lot of licence fee money up against the wall in the process. And let’s not get into the debate over Davina McCall and chat shows.

Find the right show, and Chris Moyles could be a stellar find for ITV. Take a deep breath and think long and hard about what you’ll be having him doing. When he’s not being lairy and sweary, Moyles has a great deal of natural charm, and that’s the trait to focus on. As was proved by Moyles’s turn on Five with the appalling Live with Chris Moyles, it simply won’t be enough to transfer his (sometimes quite brilliant) Radio 1 breakfast show to television. That isn’t a leap of rocket science, but it doesn’t harm to emphasise that point.

With the ratings friendly The X Factor and Ant and Dec all ahead in the ITV schedules, could things finally be looking up?

… but it seems that every day brings another opportunity to mention Doctor Who (we’re really, really, really sorry,okay?), and in light of the upcoming Torchwood, it seems that Russell T Davies just can’t help himself with doing more spin-offs..

This week’s edition of Ariel, the Beeb’s in-house magazine, printed this intriguing little snippet:

CBBC is developing a spin-off series from Doctor Who based on the adventures of investigative journalist Sarah Jane, played by Elizabeth Sladen, and to be written by Russell T Davies. Sladen, who originally played the Doctor’s assistant in 1973, returned for the last series where she was seen vying with young Rose Tyler for the Doctor’s affections.

After TV Today’s finger wagging over the state of Childrens’ TV, this is welcome news. Apparently kiddies love Sarah Jane Smith (my five-year-old nephew does, at any rate), and the dafties will be tuning in too, so expect big audiences (in CBBC terms.)

Considering that she stopped playing Sarah in 1977, I wonder how Elizabeth Sladen is feeling about all this?

I feel a little remiss in pointing out a documentary about television that not only went out on BBC Two last night (and, therefore, likely to have been missed by many TV Today readers) but was itself a repeat. Left of Frame: the Rise and Fall of Radical Drama was an episode of the superb BBC Four documentary strand Timeshift that looked at the rise of radical politics in TV drama during the 1960s and 1970s, and its decline since.

With contributions from the likes of Ken Loach, Tony Garnett, Roy Battersby and Jimmy McGovern, it portrayed an age where writers really believed that they could change the world through drama. Famously, of course, Loach and Garnett did just that with Cathy Come Home, a part-improvised, documentary-style play that highlighted the issue of homelessness, and led directly to the establishment of the charity Shelter. There was much more, though: from Leeds United, Colin Welland’s play about the Leeds textile workers’ strike that turned its ferocity onto the union leadership who, the script implied, turned a strike that was working into a humiliating climbdown; and Days of Hope, an epic series about the rise of the British Labour movement.

What seems remarkable is that so much political drama got commissioned by a BBC that was, at its upper levels, far more establishment and reactionary; so much so that for years an MI5 officer worked in Broadcasting House, vetting applicants to check that they had no far left sympathies.

As Thatcherism took hold of the nation, the sheer radicalism dropped away, although this has as much to do with the audience’s growing experience of TV drama, and resistance to out-and-out polemicism, as it has with the changing political climate. Even when Tony Marchant created Take Me Home to highlight the differences between the old industry (Keith Barron’s former factory worker, made redundant and ekeing out a living as a minicab driver) and the new (Maggie O’Neill’s IT worker), the audience embraced the romance in the plot rather than the politics.

Of course, dramas such as Brookside (especially with Jimmy McGovern in the writer’s chair) still held the red flag high: Ricky Tomlinson’s Bobby Grant, a dyed-in-the-wool trade unionist, was often prone to big speech-making and defence of his left-wing values. But generally, that hard-edged political slant to drama is largely gone. And while in some ways that’s a welcome thing — some of the examples shown in Left of Frame look remarkably manipulative to our jaded, 21st century eyes — we do seem to have gone in completely the opposite direction. As Paul Donovan notes on the Guardian’s Comment is Free blog, we have many contemporary drams set in or around workplaces that are heavily unionised — hospitals, police stations — and where disciplinary matters arise every week. But where are the unions?

Most notably, Danny Brocklehurst’s wonderful Sorted, set in a Northern post office, has no sign of union representation. It does have a character, Will Mellor’s Barmpot, who professes to be interested in politics, but again, doesn’t even mention the union:

Remember the well-trodden path of the education secretary, Alan Johnson, which took him from postal delivery man, to general secretary of the CWU and on to the cabinet office? The idea of a postal worker being as politically ambitious as the Mellor character yet apparently having nothing to do with the union lends proceedings a false air.

At a time when the Royal Mail is undergoing significant turmoil, it feels as if a little too much realism has been sacrificed for the sake of making a feelgood BBC1 drama. Don’t get me wrong — I’m sure we all enjoy the personal stories far more than we would if they consisted of nothing but disciplinary procedures, union meetings and strike ballots — but a nod in the direction of reality wouldn’t go amiss from time to time.

Another day, another bad press day for ITV as yesterday’s Media Guardian stuck the knife into the growing concerns over the struggling network’s (there must be another way of saying that…) increasingly ambivalent attitude towards its childrens’ television output. 19 jobs cut in the closure of the network’s production unit, budgets slashed in original childrens’ commissions from independent producers, output cut from 11 hours a week to 8, with moves requesting that Ofcom allows ITV to slash that even further to a measly two.

It’s a pretty depressing situation.

I’m trying to be sympathetic (and it’s becoming far too easy to make Charles Allen’s team the media’s favourite whipping boy at the moment). ITV is a profit making company, dependent on ad revenue to grow and succeed. If childrens’ programming isn’t making any money, then of course there is pressure to make moves to solve that problem. But, and here’s the thing, it’s not as if the network is making a decent stab at putting anything on in the early/late afternoon slot that’s doing any better. Since the debacle surrounding Paul O’Grady’s departure from his highly successful slot with ITV, it’s all gone wrong, hasn’t it?

But financial concerns aside, what about the principal of the damn thing? Won’t somebody think of the children? The proposed ban on junk food advertising seems to be getting everybody in a tizzy. What? Are McDonald’s and Burger King the only companies who advertise during childrens’ programmes now? There is more to kids that ASBOs and Big Macs. Make genuinely innovative and thought-provoking programming for the children’s market that the little ‘uns actually want to watch, and you’ll attract the right advertisers, dispensing with the need for Colonel Saunders and his cholesterol buddies.

And you know, it’s a pattern that ITV could attach to its prime time shows. The onus is upon the channel to make the shows we want to watch, and then you get the ratings, and then the advertisers. Stop making tedious rubbish like Love Island, and you might just get your audience to come creeping back.

I’m aware I’m banging a drum here, and I don’t think ITV is entirely to blame for the problems it’scurrently facing, but on the subject of chldrens’ programming, there are some things that are sacrosanct. I agree with the junk food ad ban - the health of our children is of the utmost importance. But so too is their cultural development. What message do we send to them if, just because they don’t make money for somebody, their needs cease to be important? It’s this that makes me proud to live in a country that has a license fee, where a broadcaster, through the law of its charter, has to cater for everybody (and whether that nirvana is achieved is always sauce for the goose of debate). And if Auntie tries to do anything to its kids’ output, I’ll be the first pointing the gun…