Square eyes 26-28 August

Ah, the Bank Holiday weekend, a time when any self respecting member of the public should be outside getting some fresh air, and all the major broadcasters seem to oblige by leaching anything worth watching out of the schedules (mainly because they’re all in Edinburgh for the Festival, along with my TV Today colleagues Scott and Liz). But, praise the Lord! The Towering Inferno is on (Saturday 4pm ,C4)!

Thankfully, Saturday evenings are currently all about the battle of the singers, with How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria? (Saturday 6.45pm, BBC1) going up against The X Factor (Saturday 6.45pm, ITV1). Square Eyes is a fan of both these gems of the light entertainment schedules, so is more than happy to advocate a watch one/tape one policy. For my money, Maria is just pipping The X Factor in the enjoyment stakes, but it’s by a hair’s breadth, and ITV will doubtless be pleased with its first decent ratings banker in months with the performance of Cowell and Co.

Earlier in the day, and this is manna from Bank Holiday heaven, Time Team: Big Royal Dig (Saturday-Monday various times, C4) sees Tony Robinson and his gang of nostalgic vandals being given access to the grounds of Buckingham Palace, Windsor Castle and Holyrood House. Whether the royal grounds will bear any fruit remains to be seen, but the unprecedented access the show has been given for this special dig to celebrate the Queen’s 80th birthday should provide an extra dimension. Somebody once told me that you know you’re getting old if you accidentally tune into Time Team and find yourself getting drawn in. Well in that case, I’m happy to be getting old.

If the pub doesn’t beckon in the twilight hours, then The Story of Light Entertainment (Saturday 9.25pm, BBC2) has reached a chapter on the impressionists (no, not the artists). All the usual suspects crop up here, from modern mimics like Alistair McGowan, going back through the golden age of the 70s, and then into the 50s, when there were some pretty odd restrictions on who could be impersonated. This series has been pleasurable company for the last month, and the material tonight of the legendary Dick Emery is a delightful memory jogger.

The Sunday of a Bank Holiday weekend usually brings with it that sense of comfy smugness of knowing you won’t be going to work tomorrow, and just lying on the sofa is not an activity designed to wrack you with guilt for a change. Neither is The All*Star Cup (Sunday-Monday various times, ITV1). Although it kicks off on Saturday, this celebrity golf tournament gets into its stride on Sunday, with literally hours of the schedule given over to it. Last year, this Ant and Dec brainchild was consigned to Sky One, which prevented the amiable Geordie hobbits from taking up duties in front of the camera thanks to the terms of their ITV contract. Although last year’s tournament had the bonkers sight of Catherine Zeta-Jones teeing off against the likes Chris Evans, this year has no such Hollywood luminaries working on their handicap, but stalwarts like Brucie will be mixing with, erm… ex-footballer Ruud Gullit and James Nesbitt…

…which is a nice move into a welcome return for Murphy’s Law (Sunday-Monday, 9pm, BBC1). This vehicle for the ever likeable Nesbitt, created by novelist Colin Bateman, has always been enjoyable fare, with last year’s series taking a more violent turn (although it wasn’t as frightening as Nesbitt’s Village People-esque ‘tache, which makes a return here). In the midst of the light entertainment bent of the Bank Holiday schedules, this is a hefty slice of quality drama that sees undercover cop Tommy Murphy confronting his family background while seeking to bring down a gangster in Northern Ireland. This three-part tale concludes on Tuesday.

As always, the soaps still occupy their standard slots, Bank Holiday or no Bank Holiday, and Coronation Street (Sunday 7.30pm, ITV1) is worth tuning in for just to boggle at the lengths Charlie Stubbs will go to manipulate Maria. It does make you wonder how Charlie is able to show his face round Weatherfield after everything he’s done, but as a soap villain, he’s one the classics. Not quite Alan Bradley, but nearly…

And Monday plays exactly to type, by offering very little in the way of quality television, save for the aforementioned Murphy’s Law (9pm, BBC1) and The All*Star Cup (why the badly placed asterisk? Answers to the usual address please…). But then, we’re being remiss here – it’s the Love Island final (Monday 9pm, ITV1)! A whole 90 minutes of C-list fun from Fiji as people I’ve never heard of are crowned the Golden Couple (or something).

Square Eyes has had a love hate relationship with this controversial ITV show, at once deriding it for being ill-conceived nonsense, and then taking a sneaky peek every now and then and guiltily enjoying it. If ever there was the TV equivalent of a Pot Noodle, this is it… Love Island is a relic from the Charles Allen years of ITV1, and it’s doubtful we’ll see it’s like ever again as the channel retools and repositions. So, enjoy Patrick Kielty’s last stand while you can.