January 2007 Archives

Oh dear, sainted Radio Times TV editor Alison Graham has ruffled my feathers for the second week on the trot with her usual piece in the latest issue. And this worries me, given that I have quietly hero-worshipped Graham from afar for many years.

“What now?”, you ask… After last week’s thumbs down for the c-word, Graham has upper crust accents in US TV series firmly in her sights now. Apparently this is something no “gritty” US drama should do, with CSI: New York committing the cardinal sin of introducing an English love interest for hunky Mac. It doesn’t matter that the actress in question is Claire Forlani (pictured left), who has been working successfully in America for years now, it’s all about how she speaks:

“Thus I fear what I term the Alex Kingston effect. I have nothing against her, but she forever ruined ER for me the day she walked into County General and started speaking. Cut-glass English accents in gritty US dramas are just not right. It’s like setting tables at McDonalds with a Wedgwood dinner service.”

What?! Kingston was bloody brilliant in ER, as is the magnificent Parminder Nagra. She is easily the acting equal of her American colleagues with whom she makes up one of the finest ensembles on US television. And she speaks proper nice and everything.

Can’t we be proud that this country has some great actors and actresses who are out there in Hollywood, working and making a success of it? Or is there something classist in this argument about a cut-glass accent spoiling things? Sorry to shatter the illusion, but some people do speak a bit posh. Kingston’s character in ER was from an upper class background, so it was appropriate for her to speak in that manner (being Alex Kingston’s natural accent, while we’re at it).

Graham also believes that if an English actor appears in a US drama, then they should be forced to speak with an American accent, a la Hugh Laurie in House. What utter rot! In that case, somebody had better give Ashley Jensen a call and get her pulled from the set of Ugly Betty… Oh, hang on, is it because she’s a Scot and sounds a bit, you know, regional? Or how about the little Hobbit fella from Lost? Oi, Eccleston! Get back here, you’re just a bit too Brit for Heroes.

I can hazily see Graham’s point (so you might just say I’m being a bit contrary) – American TV does have a tendency to portray Englishness as if we’re all Mary Poppins, but it’s plain silly to suggest that our best performing exports should have to adopt an American accent when Over There. How would Patrick Stewart have fared in Star Trek (but then, he was playing a Frenchman)?

By this argument, all American drama series should just forget that England exists, and while we’re about it, let’s force every American actor who comes to work here to bolt on a terrible English accent as penance.

Britain is a fantastic melting pot of accents, regions and backgrounds, and whether we come from Hull, Hell, Halifax or Esher, it should all be fair game to cross the Atlantic.

But Alison, I totally agree – Helen Baxendale was bloody awful in Friends!

Photo: Claire Forlani and Gary Sinese in CSI:New York. Photo courtesy Channel 5.

So, the BBC is planning a search for the real Harry Potter, eh? The Sorcerer’s Apprentice to air on Children’s BBC, will bang a group of kids up in a Hogwarts styled boarding school where they will learn how to perform illusions, recite spells and do card tricks.

Erm…

I’m not overtly troubled by this, it sounds like a bit of hoot. But I can think of several organised religions who might have something to say on the subject. Hark, was that the sound of an axe grinding? I can just se the headlines now:

‘Auntie Beeb encourages magical devil worship cult!’

Of course, the real trick will be to get through an entire episode, seeing as it’s hosted by one of my irrational TV hatreds – Barney Harwood. Barney, I’m sure you’re a nice lad, but you don’t half set my teeth on edge. Sorry.

The Sorcerer’s Apprentice will air later this year. Can we have Rupert Grint as a judge, please?

Apple’s advertisements highlighting the difference between Macs and PCs have become legendary. Casting The Daily Show’s resident expert John Hodgman as a bumbling, overweight, fault-prone PC, and Justin Long as a cool, collected and ever-so-slightly-sexy Mac, are masterpieces in understated comedy.

For some reason, though, Apple have decided that in the UK, these two fine actors are just not well-known enough to play the same roles here. Instead, they’ve started to reshoot the whole series with British talent.

But not just any old talent. Oh deary me, no. Here, we get the enormous talents of David Mitchell and Robert Webb. Fresh from Peep Show, That Mitchell and Webb Look, a live tour and numerous other shows over the course of the past year, I have to admit it’s perfect casting. If anything, it works better because Mitchell and Webb are recognised as a comedy pairing in their own right, rather than just having been cast for the ads.

At the same time, it’s a shame that neither John Hodgman or Justin Long are going to have the opportunity to get a bigger following in the UK from their existing run of ads. You’ll have to make do with Hodgman’s increasingly rare appearances on The Daily Show (8.30pm weekdays, More4) if you want to see him, while Long has the occasional movie appearance on TV (be it from Galaxy Quest or the not-really-as-bad-as-it-sounds-even-if-it-was-starring-Lindsey-Lohan Herbie: Fully Loaded).

Of course, in the UK, they’ll have to create a new ad. One where the PC gets all the new downloadable version of his favourite TV shows, then has to give them back a few days later. Whereas the Mac? The Mac knows that his American cousin has reams of episodes to buy, and never give back, from the iTunes Store. As a British Mac, though, his options are currently limited…

• View all the UK ads with Mitchell and Webb…
• …and view the original American versions (plus many newer ones) with John Hodgman and Justin Long

Thieves Like Us (Monday BBC3)
A new BBC 3 comedy is always worth checking out (unless it’s TV Today’s irrationally hated Tittybangbang) and this piece, based on the book The Burglar Diaries, is well worth a look. It helps that the book’s author, Danny King, is on hand as scriptwriter, and the exploits of two-bit crooks ex and Ollie has a decent laugh quota per episode.

• View this week’s episode
• Thieves Like Us website

Nuclear Secrets: Superbomb (Monday BBC2 9pm)
This enjoyable and often brutal historical drama continues, focusing on the tragic plight of Robert Oppenheimer, progenitor of the atomic bomb that destroyed Hiroshima at the climax to WW2. His shame at what he had created runs like a seam through Joe Jones’s portrayal of the scientist, and his descent into ruin when he refuses to work on the subsequent hydrogen bomb project is painful to watch.

Holby City (Tuesday 8pm, BBC1)
Possibly the quickest creation of a soap legend came with the arrival of Patsy Kensit into Emmerdale as Sadie King aboard a chopper, and now she’s at again as the former Mrs Gallagher dons a nurse’s uniform to knock on the door at Holby City. It’s possibly Holby’s most high profile signing to date, and as a fully paid up card carrying member of the series’s fan club, I heartily approve. I can’t wait for the first encounter between our Pats (who has still, it seems, gorrit) as Faye Morton taking on Connie. Elsewhere, some medical stuff may happen…

Five Days (Tuesday/Thursday 9pm, BBC1)
This beautiful piece of top class drama, positively oozing with quality, concludes this week, with the final episode happening on Thursday. The investigation continues, but is proving fruitless, and there is suspicion that Matt (a magnificent David Oyelowo) is seeking to gain money from his wife’s disappearance by letting a documentary team into his home. Unmissable.

CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (Tuesday 9pm, Five)
The new series of the US’s premier drama series kicks off with a double-header surrounding the team’s investigation into a dead body found during a performance by Cirque du Soleil. The original of the steam-rollering franchise shows no signs of slowing down.

WAGS’ Boutique (Tuesday 9pm, ITV2)
Erm…

Party Animals (Wednesday BC2, 9pm)
Heavily touted as the new This Life (although after the limp reaction to the +10 reunion, that might not be the best comparison to be seeking), this new drama from World Productions plunges us headlong into the ruthless world of politics through the eyes of the bright researchers who populate Westminster. It has a young cast of mostly new faces, a crackling script and some shocks along the way. But when it comes down to it, as the real world of politics as seen through the media is so damn entertaining itself (and post The Thick of It) is there any real need for this? Time will tell.

Jamie’s Chef (Wednesday 9pm, C4)
Hmmm, is somebody having a laugh on the Channel 4 picture desk? The main publicity pic doing the rounds for this new series from brand Jamie shows the still cheeky chappie standing outside a restaurant, underneath a very large sign proclaiming the establishment to be called ‘The Cock’. Oh, that’s just grist to the mill for journalists everywhere… (He’s right. See above picture - Ed.) Anyway, in Jamie’s Chef, Mr O takes the concept of Jamie’s Kitchen one step further by trying to set up one of his graduates from Fifteen in their own eatery. Whatever we think about Jamie, he always makes for good telly.

Bonkers (Thursday 9pm, ITV1)
The first of the night’s new comedies from ITV is, sad to say, a bit limp. God bless Liza Tarbuck for working her socks off to make it work, inhabiting the role of put upon wife Helen as only Liza Tarbuck could. She’s better than this, and ITV are going to have to try much harder with comedy if this mess (Tarbuck excepted) is the best the channel can do. Will we find that at 10pm tonight…?

Benidorm (Thursday 10pm, ITV1)
…Well, sort of. Benidormhas a kind of sit-com feel to it, with a mis-matched group of holidaymakers hanging out by the pool in a Benidorm resort. It’s got Johnny Vegas, which can be a hit, miss or maybe piece of casting, but for the most part, Benidorm works. It just strays into crass territory every now and then that can make for some cringe worthy viewing. And, coupled with Bonkers, the scheduling of the two shows together just feels a bit off…

Coronation Street (Friday 7.30pm, ITV1)

Charlie Stubbs’s funeral – now that’s something worth missing a Friday night pint for. As the Alan Bradley for the Noughties is laid to rest, how will Tracy’s presence at the funeral add to the atmosphere (because we all love a party with a happy atmosphere). Doubtless, Jason will have something to say in his heartfelt delivered eulogy, most of it on the theme of what a murdering witch the Barlow girl is. Cue lots of emotive crying from Deirdre and pointlessly mild moralising from Ken. Don’t you just love Corrie?

Midsomer Murders (Friday 8.30pm, ITV1)

Midsomer Murders – it’s a bit like a tube of Pringles, you just can’t help yourself. To be honest, every episode of MM started to merge into one great whole about five years ago, but it’s all great, undemanding fun.

The Friday Night Project (Friday, 11.065pm, C4)

You know the form – it’s fun and frolics with the JLC and Alan Carr (no, not the deceased smoking guru) and their special guest host. This week, accept no deals or swaps for the comeback kid – it’s Noel Edmonds. And my, doesn’t he look like a slimmer Justin?

Harry Hill’s TV Burp (Saturday 6.05pm, ITV1)

Watch and learn kids! This is how to do irreverent comedy, and what better way to do it than by poking fun at the object of all our affections – the telly. I recommended this last week, and will probably continue to do so for the remaining 12 of Hill’s madcap run through the schedules. The first episode’s irrefutable proof that Ken Barlow is in fact a vent’s dummy will be hard to top.

Star Trek – First Contact (Saturday, 7.05pm, C4)

Well, we recommended Dancing on Ice last week, and good though it is, bigging it up every week is going to get a bit tedious. They skate, they get voted off. A better bet is this barnstorming entry from the hit-miss-maybe Star Trek franchise of films. This is the one where the Borg go back in time and stop… look, you don’t need to know the details. Like The One with the Whales before it, this is one of the few Trek films that actually sold to you, the general public at large, which is a good indication of its enjoyable pedigree.

The Comedy Map of Britain (Saturday 10.10pm, BBC2)

Once upon a time, in a London suburb, a chap called Reginald Perrin used to catch the train every day into town. And every day, the train was exactly 11 minutes late. Welcome to Norbiton. In the first of a six part series, the legend that is Alan Whicker narrates a tour through the landmarks and inspirations of Britain’s comedic geography. Bristol gets a look in this week, as does Slough…

Top Gear (Sunday 8pm, BBC2)

The return of Top Gear, and while usually a cause for celebration, this is even more notable for the return of Richard “The Hamster” Hammond. And for that we can all be thankful. I just wish the boys wouldn’t treat the near-tragedy of Hammond’s so nearly fatal car smash like it was some great lark. But then, if there was too much overt doom and gloom, it wouldn’t be the Top Gear way, so I’m kind of divided on the subject. I love Top Gear anyway, so long may it reign (but somebody needs to introduce James May to those nice girls from What Not to Wear).

Celebrity Big Brother – the Final (Sunday 8pm, C4)

A week ago, this went mad. Now, we’re making like a Channel 4 exec and not really caring one way or the other. If there’s some consolation for Jade as the paperback edition of her biography is pulled, she might get a contract to advertise Oxo cubes.

Waking the Dead/Trial and Retribution (Sunday 9pm, BBC1/ITV1)

Here’s a new game – watch Waking the Dead and Trial and Retribution with the remote in your hand, and randomly flick from one show to the other. It’s like a whole extra storyline for the price of one. It’s especially great if you can contrive an argument scene between Trevor Eve’s DS Boyd and Victoria Smurfit’s DCI Roisin Connor. Either way, both shows are stylish crime drama and you’ll be hard pushed to find better. But please, somebody tell the highly talented Smurfit that she doesn’t have to shout all the time. You’re in a Lynda La Plante drama, we know you’re a hard bitch!

It’s nice to see the legacy of Father Ted continuing long after what is arguably the finest sit-com ever faded from our screens. You may have already read about the potentially serious skirmish that could spark international controversy, as two islands battle to be recognised as the home of Father Ted, the fictional Craggy Island.

It all started when the Friends of Ted decided to hold its annual Tedfest ‘07 on the island of Inis Mor, off the coast of County Galway. The population of the smaller island, Inis Oirr, said a riotous Father Jack “Feck!” to that and maintained the three-day festival should be held on their shores, claiming more of a connection to the comedy.

Oh dear.

But help is now at hand with a healthy dollop of fun provided by Father Ted itself. Each island will put up its own Five-a-aside football team, inspired by the All-Priests Five-a-Side Over-75s Indoor Challenge Football Match as featured in an episode of the series. The victors will take the title of Craggy Island back to their home shores, with the losers relegated to the rival Rugged Island. Next year, they get to do it all over again…

All this of course is being done in the same spirit of fun as the series that inspired it. Check out the Friends of Ted website to see what else goes on during Tedfest ‘07. I’m particularly intrigued by “Buckeroo Speed Dating”…

…but it’s going to need a better tagline than Time for Adventure that has been unveiled at the head of the publicity campaign to launch ITV’s new Saturday evening sci-fi adventure series.

I’ll set up my stall early – I am looking forward to Primeval intensely. Scientists and soldiers jumping through portals in time to prehistoric earth to fight dinosaurs? Giant spiders in the London Underground? Hannah off of S-Club? Bring it on, it sounds right up my viewing street! We might have a rep around here for liking Doctor Who a little more than is probably healthy, but we’re not going to do a new show down on the basis that it doesn’t have a police box in it. Quite the reverse.

But the creatives and the execs do seem to be a bit flummoxed about how to sell Primeval, as evidenced by the very limp Time for Adventure slogan. You see, it’s a show about time travel… and it’s got adventure. I’d love to see how this particular gem was greeted in the boardroom by the caffeine-maxed creative team after hours of throwing it around like a polonium infused hot potato. I’ve heard of saying what you see in the time honoured of tradition of Catchphrase, but that really takes the Roy Walker. “Aaaargh! Big scary monsters!” would have been much more effective.

I was quite tickled by a quote from Jeremy Hemmings, group account director for M&C Saatchi, the company responsible for the creative campaign behind Primeval:

“It’s not every day you get to work with giant spiders, parasitic dodos an ex-S Club 7 star and a Hollywood actor.”

And there was me thinking he was talking about Celebrity Big Brother. Hemmings goes on to say:

“A great opportunity to have some fun, we thought…”

I would have thought it was a great opportunity to meet the challenge of selling a new, exciting undertaking for ITV head on and doing it with some gusto and style. Is Time for adventure really the best you could do? Oh dear.

And then there’s the question of the much-talked about and sought after family viewing factor (you know, Doctor Who does have a lot to answer for). Coupled with a (so far) uninspiring publicity campaign, ITV itself seems confused on this point…

“Primeval is a bold scheduling step into Saturday night family drama. We believe the series will have both a wide ranging family appeal as well as becoming cult viewing for aspirational adults.”

says David Pemsel, group marketing director for ITV. The whole point of the family drama is that it is supposed to be all-inclusive, across the board, without exception. If you have wide-ranging family appeal, why are you then isolating a section of the audience in the same statement? All should be equal in their consideration as part of the whole audience.

And if there’s one thing you don’t do when talking up a new show, ever, ever, ever, is to use the dreaded ‘cult’ word! Cult viewing implies something that’s a bit shonky, a bit shabby, a bit geeky. Cult is the world of Stargate SG-1, of Buffy, and Star Trek: Voyager, shows that would pull in two or three million viewers max on BBC2 at 6pm (and for the record, I’ll point out I’ve watched and enjoyed all those shows at some point). Primeval, at this stage, should never be referred to as a cult. It should be a mass-appeal, barnstorming, exciting and very cool new family TV drama. With big scary monsters.

Or that’s the theory…

Primeval starts on Saturday 10th February on ITV1.

Pictured: Andrew Lee Potts and Hannah Spearritt in Primeval. Picture: © ITV plc

As excitement over the new series of Life on Mars mounts (led valiantly by TV Today), it seems only fair to highlight this particular masterstroke from the second series.

Gene Hunt and Sam Tyler in Camberwick Green?! And here we were, worrying that the bonkers storylining and imaginative strokes of televisual genius might not be quite up to the same standard as last year. We can rest easy…

How about Jade Goody appearing in The Fimbles? The cast of Shameless filming a Christmas special with Bob the Builder? The possibilities are endless!

UPDATE: View the “Camberwick Green” teaser trailer (Windows Media).

MasterChef Goes Large (Monday 6.30pm, BBC2)
Fantastic! One of the finest guiltiest pleasures on telly is back for its usual mammoth run of vicarious culinary entertainment. John Torode and Gregg Wallace aren’t so much good cop/bad cop in their often harsh judging, more bad cop, badder cop. Wallace is like Gollum on acid and Torode is a dead ringer for Dr Fox, but both are searingly entertaining, as is the show as a whole. Pity the poor cooks who are really thrown in at the deep end from the word go this time round. A special programme on the progress of last year’s finalists follows.

Life on Mars (Monday/Tuesday 10.30pm, BBC4)
Another chance to see the best TV show of 2006 before the second series kicks off next month. The return of Gene Hunt (aka the Gene Genie) – we can’t wait!

Five Days (Tuesday-Thursday 9pm, BBC1) (pictured)
Top drama from the BBC that has more than shades of those slick, tricksy dramas from across the pond in the 24/Murder One kind of mould. The five part series follows, much as it says on the tin, the five days of an investigation into the disappearance of a woman. But why is it being shown Tuesday-Thursday and not the more obvious Monday-Friday that the format of the series would fit so seamlessly? Thanks BBC for the bizarre scheduling. Let’s hope the audience don’t forget to come back next week, eh?

You Don’t Know You’re Born (Tuesday 9pm, ITV1)
Basically it’s Who Do You Think You Are? in all but name, just with a more ITV bias to its subjects, starting this week with Coronation Street’s Anne Kirkbride. The twist is that once the family tree has been explored a bit, our fearless subject tries their hand at some of the jobs the ancestors would have got down to. So, Anne Kirkbride. Ploughing a field. Too much like the ratings-grabber on the other side to be truly successful.

Battlestar Galactica (Tuesday 9pm, Sky One)
Best. Sci-fi. Series. On. The. Box.

Coronation Street (Wednesday, 7.30pm, ITV1)
Pick a day, any day for Corrie this week, and you’ll find drama and delights aplenty, mostly involving Tracy Barlow. Kate Ford keeps taking this once-maligned character to new heights of outrageous manipulation, but now Tracy’s brought down a peg or two as she spends her 30th birthday in the slammer. It’s all leading up to Charlie’s funeral on Friday, and that should be a doozy!

Skins (Thursday 10pm, E4)
It’s fast, it’s funny, it’s shocking, it’s sweary and it’s full of nudity. Well, what did you expect from the producers of Shameless in this drama about a group of wild teenagers. The revelation here is Nicholas Hoult as our main character, Tony. He’s the young lad who buddied up with Hugh Grant in About a Boy, and while good in that, he’s grown up into a stunning young actor. One to watch.

Man Stroke Woman (Thursday 10.30pm, BBC3)
Wash away the taste of the woeful Tittybangbang with the return of the best comedy sketch show of the recently harvested crop. This clever mix of running sight gags, wordplay and just very good line and length sketch writing puts it head and shoulders above the rest. It helps that the cast are superb, helped along by the always-welcome presence of Nick Frost at its centre.

The latest BBC Three comedy show is Comedy Shuffle, a chat/sketch show hybrid hosted by Rob Rouse. As with many BBC Three shows, you can view each episode in full online a week before it airs on the broadcast channel.

A good selection of live comedy performances — in the first episode, Daniel O’Doherty, Dutch Elm Conservatoire and Johann Lipowicz — combine with the best submissions to the BBC’s own Comedy Soup website.

What’s even more impressive, though, is how the show manages to make the studio guest, Jimmy Carr, actually seem quite a likeable chap. It’s a persona that works well for him, I have to say, and I’m not sure I understand why he doesn’t use it more in his act.

Those who want to watch TV in the conventional way can see Comedy Shuffle on BBC Three on Thursday, 25 January. And no doubt repeated umpteen times after that.

Thanks to Anna, by the way, for giving me the impetus to watch this — if only to see if host Rob Rouse really is

a perfectly lovely host, by the way - happy and bouncy, somewhat like a golden labrador.

You know what? She’s not wrong.

The BBC, along with its commercial arm BBC Worldwide, are set to sign deals with Google allowing BBC content to be distributed on Google Video and YouTube, reports Media Guardian (registration required).

If it comes off, it’s likely that the deal will mirror those already undertaken by some of the big US networks. We can expect to see branded channels on YouTube, containing clips of BBC properties. Worldwide’s participation means that the Corporation could see some revenue income from the deal. On YouTube, that could mean a share of the money generated by on-page advertising, while there is also the possibility of using Google Video’s payment gateways to charge for high quality DRM’d downloads.

At the same time, I’d expect that any deal that gets signed will include promises by Google to crack down on copyright infringing clips uploaded by enthusiastic fans.

In the wake of last week’s licence fee settlement news, it’s possible that this route could see a means of saving money in terms of how to deliver video content over the web. Currently, the BBC hosts its own RealVideo streams to show clips (and, occasionally, whole episodes) of their shows. Imagine the money savings if all that hosting, and the technical support necessary, was handled by a company who specialises in high performance video delivery.

Another advantage to this route is that, unlike the BBC’s long promised iPlayer, Google’s video outlets work on Macs as well as PCs. While the iPlayer is set to use filesharing (P2P) technology to help dilute the bandwidth cost of delivering high-quality video, the first release of the software is set to be PC only. The same is true of Joost, a forthcoming P2P internet TV system being developed by the same people who created filesharing platform Kazaa and internet telephone system Skype.

It may be a while before us Mac users can get great BBC downloads through their preferred route — but if a deal with Google comes off, at least we’ll be able to see some of the results of our licence fee payments…

Midsomer Murders (Friday 8.30pm, ITV1)
The return of an old favourite that some may feel is long past its best, but remains an enjoyable bit of fluff for a cold January night. As DCI Barnaby and sidekick DS Jones investigate the murder of a local photographer with an eye for the ladies, revel in the fact that if you’re watching this, you’ll be missing Big Brother. Surely the best recommendation anybody needs to tune in.

Lilies (Friday 9pm, BBC1)
The first episode of this period drama about the lives of three feisty Liverpudlian sisters was enjoyable enough, but whether that’s sufficient to sustain an audience remains to be seen. This week, Iris is swept off her feet by a charismatic magician, but Dadda isn’t impressed. Don’t worry about this being set in First World War Liverpool, there’s no danger of a guest appearance from Danielle Lloyd.

Harry Hill’s TV Burp (Saturday 6.10pm, ITV1)
Oh, thank the maker! Something to inject a bit of sunshine and silliness in what has been a fairly depressing week for British television. Harry Hill returns with the majestic TV Burp. It’s silliness all the way as Mr H casts his cheekily irreverent eyes over the week’s TV schedules, and gives us all a good opportunity for a big old belly laugh. And the best news of all is that The Burp is going to be around for the next 13 weeks. Fans of Hill should also check out his sometime partner Al Murray who brings his Happy Hour to ITV at 10pm.

The Culture Show (Saturday 7.20pm, BBC2)
As a flipside to the Burp coin, The Culture Show is back for a new run, taking a more sober view than Hill’s slapstick. It means its no less as enjoyable, and these days the usually balanced mix of subjects provides a much more digestible choice than the now bloated Late Review.

Dancing On Ice (Saturday 6.40pm, BBC1)
ITV continues to give us some unashamedly enjoyable TV that’s perfect for this time of year as Dancing on Ice returns for a second series. You know the form, it’s just like Strictly, only with skates and ice in the equation. Celebs pulling the blades on this year include Ulrika Jonsson, Emmerdale legend Emily Symons, Stephen Gately and Phil Gayle from the Big Breakfast news and weather.

Climate Change – Britain Under Threat (Sunday 8pm, BBC1)
Considering the vile weather we’ve experienced this week, this documentary is required viewing. Thankfully it avoids scare-mongering tactics, mostly down to the sage presence of David Attenborough. Prepare to be depressed by some of the things you hear.

24 (Sunday, 9pm, Sky One)
Day Six, and Jack is back in a still great US show that should clearly be on a terrestrial channel. Kiefer Sutherland is on fine form as the anti-terrorist agent who’s had enough bad karma on the five previous days to last several lifetimes. Let’s hope that when he’s off duty he has a nice, low-key hobby, like bee keeping. Or knitting.

Family Guy (Sunday 11.30pm, BBC2)
Forget The Simpsons, this is where the best-animated action is to be found on television. Seth MacFarlane’s comedy is sharp, silly and very, very funny. These episodes from series four were first shown on BBC3, but worth checking out nonetheless.

And so, to Big Brother. I was hoping to avoid the issue and let everybody else slug it out in the press, but catching last night’s disgusting display from the house, I couldn’t keep quiet.

The media as a whole is focusing on the issue of racism and bullying, allegedly being directed from sixth form head bad girl Jade Goody and her sulky playground gang of Danielle Lloyd and Jo O’Meara, towards Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty.

The issue or racism is too emotive to discuss effectively here, but at some level, the actions of those concerned can’t really be anything else, however mild it might be. Indeed, it’s hard to construe Lloyd’s comments on how Shetty should learn how to speak English properly and should f—- off home are particularly unpalatable. Teddy Sheringham must be so proud of his girl…

As for Jade, the grand dame of reality TV, she really should know better, having played this game time and time again. On her first night in the house, I was actually taken by surprise by how calm, composed and mature she appeared, leaving the Big Brother buffoonery to the likes of Leo Sayer (and bless him, that was all his own doing). But that was blown out of the water last night by her vile display of vitriolic hate and anger, purely directed towards Shetty.

I will say that I don’t think it was racially motivated. It was motivated by an insane, unreasonable dislike of an individual and Goody crashed and burned on British television to the lowest anybody can probably go. Whatever the motivation for the prolonged outburst (which it’s worth pointing out was over an Oxo cube, for goodness sake), nobody, under any circumstances, should have to tolerate being told that their head is so far up their…

Well, you get the idea, but it wasn’t nice. Shetty carried herself with dignity, providing the ultimate comeback with:

“Your claim to fame is this”

gesturing around her at the house and the experience. And she ain’t wrong. How ironic that Big Brother made Jade Goody, and in the space of one episode, might just have gone about breaking her.

And just how long can Channel 4 stick its fingers in its ears and go “La La La La La!”? Your ratings might be up, but really, at what cost? A record number of complaints to Ofcom? Questions being asked in Parliament? International concern expressed in India? And the Chairman of Channel 4 rocks up on Today this morning and claims he has no comment?! Finally, CEO Andy Duncan has issued a statement, which might go some way to appeasing the now 27,000 plus people who have complained to Ofcom, but not by much.

This line from Duncan’s statement in particular smacks of an ‘It’s got nothing to do with us, guv’ attitude:

“Big Brother’s unique strength is that it is ultimately the public who will decide whether or not the behaviour of certain contestants has been unacceptable.”

The whooshing you heard was the buck was being passed very quickly…

And now the news has just broken that Carphone Warehouse has pulled its sponsorship from Celebrity Big Brother, “with immediate effect”. Ooh, now that the bottom line has hit the fan, perhaps the broadcaster will sit up and take notice.

It’s ironic on a day when one of the last truly world class organisations we have left in this country is given its limp licence fee rise, the rest of the world thinks that Big Brother is what passes for good television in the UK.

What a very sad state of affairs.

Forget the controversial goings-on over at the Big Brother house. Let’s all spare a thought for TV chef Rick Stein and take a moment of reflection to mark the passing of Chalky the dog.

Chalky, as any self-respecting TV viewer will know, was Stein’s faithful companion throughout much of his TV career. He was cheeky, he was bad tempered and had a heck of a bite. Bless him.

Chalky, TV Today salute’s your memory. You will be missed.

An awful lot, it seems. The dear old (WHISPER MODE ON) c-word (WHISPER MODE OFF), seemingly the last barrier of taboo left for swearing on TV, has been cropping up an awful lot in the last few days.

On the 7th August 2006, Five’s transmission of Britain’s Fattest Teenager contained several uses of the c-word in unedited, unbleeped form, approximately 12 minutes after the start of the watershed. Ofcom received three complaints on the issue, but yesterday ruled that Five was not in breach of any codes of conduct. This was due to the nature of the documentary and the usage of the word to highlight the levels of abuse suffered by the subject of the documentary. However, Ofcom’s official response also noted…

“Ofcom did not consider there was a breach of the Code. However it should be noted that only in exceptional cases will it be acceptable to broadcast the word “c—-” close to the watershed.”

This of course, brings into play the incremental nature of the watershed. It could be argued that, as at 9pm, everything is fair game – if the kiddie winkies are still up come 9, then it’s your own look out if they hear something they shouldn’t. However, that would be just be silly, and indeed, Ofcom’s official guidelines on the subject state:

“1.6 The transition to more adult material must not be unduly abrupt at the watershed or after the time when children are particularly likely to be listening. For television, the strongest material should appear later in the schedule.”

Which seems fair enough.

But what about in the case of a forthcoming episode of Shameless, which features Frank Gallagher uttering the most offensive of swearwords? The legendary Alison Graham of the Radio Times certainly isn’t impressed, writing in her column in the new issue:

“In Frank’s case, it’s used by a man who doesn’t have the verbal tools with which to express himself. Fair enough. But I think using the c-word still crosses the line, even in such times as ours, which are – and thank goodness for it – more liberal and accommodating than at probably any other time in history. Because the c-word isn’t merely a swearword; it’s a hate-filled, women-hating insult packing an awful lot of raw power.”

going on to finish:

“We should all make sure it’s never made acceptable by television.”

While I agree to an extent – a society without taboo is ultimately going to end up in a dangerous place. If the final barrier of what’s acceptable to utter on our television screens is destroyed, then where is there to go?

However, for a character like Frank Gallagher, his use of the word does not seem out of place, and this is where context has to come into play. Considering what else goes on in the average episode of Shameless, a foul-mouthed utterance, even to this offensive extreme seems quite innocent in comparison, especially coming from the potty mouth of Frank.

Considering the c-word is considered so offensive, it’s getting an awful lot of coverage at the moment, and anybody confused over their feelings for this black sheep of offensive terms, don’t worry, help is at hand. BBC3 is set to air a documentary, produced by indie production house, North One, tentatively titled The History of the C-Word.

The documentary will cover the origins and evolution of the phrase in a manner that, according to producers, will not be “sensationalist or po-faced”. Contributors will include Germaine Greer, who has previously put the word under the microscope for Balderdash and Piffle.

But let’s spare a thought for Chris Tarrant who has, according to the print edition of today’s The Independent, turned down an offer to narrate the programme, which appears to have been retitled We Love the C-Word! In the absence of Chris, perhaps Frank Gallagher might be a better choice. He doesn’t have an image to think of…

Coronation Street (Monday 7.30pm/8.30pm, ITV1)
Some of the scenes between Tracy Barlow and Charlie Stubbs in Friday’s Corrie were a bit cringe inducing but the brutal pay-off was well worth the wait (if a little unpalatable for a pre-watershed audience). Here now we get the aftermath of Tracy’s actions, as Charlie clings on to life but, sadly for him, not for long. Will Tracy’s long game pay off, or will the Barlow bitch end up with egg on her face? As always, Corrie’s lightness of touch combined with big dramatic storylines displays why it’s still the best soap around.

Panorama (Monday 8.30pm, BBC1)
A noteworthy mention for the return to primetime of a BBC institution, now under the stewardship of Jeremy Vine. The clock is ticking on how long it lasts when the ratings aren’t up to scratch…

The Trial of Tony Blair (Monday 10pm, More4) (pictured)
Hopefully this will fare better than Death of a President, being an incredibly funny examination of just how Tony Blair might be remembered. It’s set in 2010 (just as TB has left Number 10), and sees the now ex-PM face up to his political failings (as it seems he hasn’t left that many positives). The Yanks are out to slime him to take the heat off themselves (with a lady called Hilary living in the White House), and Iraq might just be the biggest, dirtiest stick they can use to hit him with. Robert Lindsay is superb in the title role, thankfully reminding us there’s more to him than My Family (which admittedly, I quite like). Shown on Channel 4 this coming Thursday at 10pm.

Prison Break (Monday 10pm, C5)
Oh. Must we?

Dr Alice Roberts: Don’t Die Young (Tuesday 8pm, BBC2)
Not quite our usual fare, but this is worth pointing out for the presence of the brilliant Dr Roberts. Having played second fiddle as part of the on-camera team for Coast, she fronts her own series here, looking at how various internal, squishy parts of our body work. Much more considered than most documentary strands on this subject, which usually scream: “IF YOU EAT THIS YOU’LL DIE!!!!!!!!”. Roberts is a brilliantly natural companion (and fiercely intelligent, with a whole raft of letters after her name). Expect her to pop up frequently in years to come.

You Are What You Eat: Gillian Moves In (Tuesday 8pm, C4)
And is if to prove a point, in comparison to Don’t Die Young, Gillian McKeith is here, to show how not to do it. She’s gone a step further with the concept and actually invites people to come and stay with her so they can beat their bad eating habits. I’d rather spend a year banged up with Leo Sayer, washing his pants, than spend five minutes in that house. She strides around, face set in a contrived, don’t mess me with me manner that would have even the most angelic of eaters scurrying for the nearest pork pie. Just don’t do it, kids…

Raiders of the Lost Archives (Tuesday 10pm, ITV1)
A great idea for a show that plunders the archives for what were thought to be long-lost clips, which are then exhumed and shown to some of the personalities involved. In this first show, Michael Parkinson is delighted to be shown his one and only interview with Laurence Olivier from years back. Not only is this a great show from that angle, these four programmes are a great advert to advertise the work of those people who toil to bring these castaway clips and programmes back to their rightful place in the archives.

Taggart (Wednesday 9pm, ITV1)
Oh how gauche… a brand new Taggart story. Every time I’ve tuned in to one of these in recent times, it’s been a repeat. Still, it’s good, solid stuff, as DCI Burke (a good value Alex Norton) is convinced a retired copper is connected to a recent murder. At least it’s easier to follow than Waking the Dead (the waking bit usually brought about by Boyd’s shouting), and has more facial expression per minute of screen time than Victoria Smurfit’s one-note wide-eyed stare in Trial and Retribution.

Waterloo Road (Thursday 8pm, BBC1)
A second series (and an extended 12-part run) for the highly likeable school drama, starring Jason Merrells and Angela Griffin. This could have easily spiralled off into sentiment and the black and white arguments on how to improve our schools, but the first series built on a strong start. It’s never going to set the world on fire, but sometimes that doesn’t matter. In this new run, an ex-pupil turned successful businessman wants to invest in the school in the return for a seat on the board of governors, but the rag-tag collection of staff don’t react kindly to his list of demands.

Mock the Week (Thursday 10pm, BBC2)
Worth it alone for Dara O’Briain, who watches over proceedings with a dangerous Celtic glint in his eye. Some of the comedy falls flat, but every now and then a blinding observation is thrown in that brings audience and contestants to a gibbering standstill of laughter.

As you may have noticed, Square Eyes’ weekend round-up now includes Fridays as well. Which seemed like a good idea at the time, but there’s so much to mention this weekend that it’s going to be a bumper edition…

After You’ve Gone Friday, BBC1 8.30pm
Oh lovely — a studio-based sitcom about a dysfunctional family. It’s like the last few years never happened, isn’t it? Created by Fred “My Family” Barron, this six-part series pits Nicholas Lyndhurst against his mother-in-law, who moves in after his ex-wife moves to Africa. Its sole saving grace could be Celia Imrie as ma-in-law Diana — but frankly, she deserves better, as do we.

Lilies Friday, BBC1 9.00pm (pictured)
Period drama is what the BBC arguably does better than anyone. I can’t say that the lives of three Liverpudlian sisters growing up in the years following World War I is going to be of great appeal to me — and Lilies feels like it would be more at home in a Sunday evening slot than on Friday night. Still, placing it here in the schedule does at least redeem BBC1 after the preceding sitcom…

Comedy Connections Friday, BBC1 10.35pm
A new series of the televisual history show is always welcome. This new series kicks off with writer David Renwick’s finest work to date, One Foot in the Grave. Contributions from cast and crew, along with many of the show’s finest moments, serve only to highlight the poor quality of that other BBC1 sitcom of the evening that I promise I’ll shut up about now…

Ugly Betty Friday, Channel 4 9.30pm
Last week’s debut achieved impressive ratings for the channel on a night they haven’t owned for years. This week’s episode keeps up the humorous pace, as Betty takes control of The Book — mockups of the entrie magazine — only to see it kidnapped by her neighbour.

Soapstar Superstar Friday 9pm, Saturday 5.40pm and 9.20pm, ITV1
Forget what I said about Just the Two of Us beating this show — this year’s Superstar has been unmissable. Not for the singing — which has varied from phenomenal to abysmal — but more for Antony Cotton’s comebacks to judge Billy Sammeth’s tortuously metaphorical comments. Seriously, in the main the judges’ comments have been a joy to hear — full of constructive notes, and appreciative of the effort the contestants have made to act on them (David Gest’s turn as a guest judge yesterday is best overlooked). We’re gearing up for a good semi-final and final, as Cotton (the most variable of the remaining performers) joins Tupele, Hayley and Mark. Two singers will leave tonight, with Saturday seeing the remaining pair battle it out.

Al Murray’s Happy Hour Saturday 9.50pm, ITV1
After the success of his appearance on An Audience With…, ITV1 has been flinging all sorts of projects at the Pub Landlord. Pub quiz Fact Hunt was, perhaps deservedly, little seen (but miles ahead of the ITV Play shows that now take its place in the late-night schedules). Here, we have the first in a new series of chat shows. Quite how the world will cope with another comedy character-led chat show remains to be seen…

Kylie: Showgirl Homecoming Tour Saturday 10.10pm Channel 4
A filmed version of one of the diminutive popstrel’s post-cancer shows — from the Australian leg of the tour, so it may not feature the Doctor Who-inspired “Kylie vs the Cybermen” routine that my friends-who-should-know-better told me about from here recent UK gigs.

Wild at Heart Sunday 8.00pm ITV1
Amanda Holden and Stephen Tompkinson return to Africa for a second series of the wildlife drama. Nothing too challenging (hardly unsurprising, appearing as it does in Heartbeat’s cosy timeslot) but entertaining, nevertheless.

Waking the Dead Sunday 9.00pm BBC1
Trial and Retribution Sunday 9.00pm ITV1
Surely scheduling two shows that are likely to appeal to exactly the same audience directly against each other can’t be good for anybody? Personally, like Mark, I’m a sucker for Trevor Eve’s incessant, unnecessary and unpredictable shouting fits, so Waking gets my vote ahead of Trial. But then, gven what I said about Just the Two of Us, maybe you shouldn’t listen to me… Both shows are two-parters, and both conclude on Monday at 9pm.

It’s a sad day as the first rumblings of the demise of a broadcasting icon filter through the world at large. It has been reported that, while it waits for the Sword of Damocles licence fee negotiations to finally fall, the BBC is considering selling off Television Centre.

The world falls to its knees, slamming fists against concrete, bitter tears falling to the ground. Well, everybody in the world who has never actually worked at Television Centre. To the British public, this distinctive building is a beacon of quality in television production, a bastion of our cultural heritage. To anybody who has to schlep their way to White City of a dull January morning, it’s a frustrating rabbit warren of corridors and bolted on extensions that go beyond the mind-bending confusion of an Escher painting.

Should Auntie be allowed to sell off Television Centre? On the one hand, it is a nostalgic touchstone, distinctive piece of architecture, possessing a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory mystique. On the other, to anybody working there, it’s an outdated dinosaur that has about as much relevance to modern broadcasting as Fanny Cradock does to Nigella Lawson.

It’s just well… a shame! TV Centre is the BBC, much more than say, the nondescript edifice of Broadcasting House. I like the chaos of TV Centre (it’s no wonder the wrong person can get shunted upstairs to News 24 for an interview), but the world of television is brutal. It’s quite ironic that in an industry that is becoming increasingly about nostalgia in what we want to consume as an audience, the organisations involved can’t afford to be bogged down in sentiment.

I’d like to see Television Centre live on as a monument to a great institution. But, I’d equally like to see the BBC survive into this century and beyond as a modern and relevant organisation, and that means some tough decisions that the public might not like.

TV Centre image © BBC

“All these characters you create become like people you really know and when they are taken out of your hands, I just don’t want to see what’s being done to them.”

So says actress-turned legendary TV writer Lynda La Plante in the new issue of The Stage. She talks to Mary Comerford at length about her early days as a jobbing actress, through her first big break into TV writing with Widows and, of course, her feelings on the demise of Jane Tennison, La Plante’s most famous creation.

“It’s hard being an actress in this country. If you haven’t made it name-wise when you reach 30-odd, every script you get has been well thumbed,”

she believes, having struggled the make a breakthrough in every show going from The Gentle Touch to Rentaghost. And then came Widows, her first foray into writing – initially conceived to further her acting career…

“In all truthfulness I created one of the parts in Widows for myself,”

La Plante happily admits. But with Widows, and later Prime Suspect, acting became secondary to a writing career that spans numerous TV dramas and over 20 novels. She is a stickler for research, something evolved from her experiences as an actor:

“As a writer I wanted to know all about her, yet as an actress I’d played innumerable prostitutes and I’d never bothered to delve deep. As an actress I cheated and I knew I could not cheat as a writer.”

and is happy giving advice to actors who come before her for casting sessions:

“If you come in and you’re looking down at the page, I can’t see your eyes and I don’t know if you can do anything.”

The revealing piece also covers La Plante’s thoughts on working with dyslexia, being a single mother at 60 and, naturally, what she really thinks about the end of Jane Tennison. With Trial and Retribution back for a new series, and more to follow, the writer feels she has much more to offer than gritty crime capers…

“People say I’m fixated on crime. I’m not, but the public is.”

Find out what Lynda La Plante would pen given half the chance in the new issue of The Stage, on sale 11th January.

Also in The Stage this week:

• Veteran TV producer Michael Hurll celebrates 50 years in television
• Liz Thomas on the rise of light entertainment on the box
• Doctor Who make-up designer Sheelagh Wells on how advances in technology have changed her job
• …and much more!

A very quick soapy titbit, but here at TV Today towers, we are feeling very sorry for EastEnders’ Sonia Fowler. Amidst all the shouting, crying, recriminations and accusations from Martin about how she might have killed his mum, the poor girl is showing great restraint. Why on Earth doesn’t she just scream back at him:

“Yeah, well you killed my boyfriend, so we’re quits!”

Just an observation…

With the return of Waking the Dead this week we had a two-parter that transformed the usual impenetrable veil of plot into a rock hard enamel shell of insanity. That’s part of the fun with Waking the Dead, up to a point, but this week’s was a hard stretch, even for this hardened fan.

What does remain intact, thankfully, is the always-engaging performance from Trevor Eve. DS Peter Boyd is unpredictable, he shouts randomly for no readily apparent reason, treats his team abominably and is frequently on the verge of being sacked by his superiors. But, and this is according to a very detailed research program created by myself (i.e. I asked the missus), he’s quite sexy.

I hadn’t really thought about the talented Mr Eve quite like that, but I can, in that blokey way we have, see where she’s coming from. He’s nicely turned out, has a neatly trimmed beard, and probably runs a few times a week. I can’t imagine anybody finding him foxy back in the late 70s, when a battered suit, dodgy tache and bad haircut gave Eve a sort of down at heel lack of sexiness in smash-hit Shoestring. Is that what we call growing into your looks?

But have I been missing the obvious all these years? This week also sees the return of Judge John Deed, with Martin Shaw, another refugee from 70s style and fashion. When driving around in a Capri, he wasn’t called the “bionic gollywog” for nothing. Again, ladies of my association tell me quite reliably that, even more so today, he’s a bit hot.

My sister-in-law is mad for CSI’s Gil Grissom and Horatio Caine. A colleague is transfixed by Neighbours legend Karl Kennedy (aka Alan Fletcher, practically Oz’s answer to The Hoff). The list goes on – Patrick Stewart, Robert Powell (looks great in a smock), Ken Stott, Bill Nighy, Nathaniel Parker, the scenery chewing power of Spooks’ Peter Firth… It’s probably no coincidence that for many years, the two most popular actors on ITV were John Thaw and David Jason.

Should our drama producers be looking to our distinguished elder statesman actors to occupy the big star vehicles? A few years ago, I interviewed one Russell T Davies on the publicity trail for the much-maligned Bob and Rose, back when Doctor Who wasn’t even a glint in Jane Tranter’s canny eye. Knowing even then Davies’s penchant for a certain Time Lord based series, I ventured the question that, should he ever be in a position to produce Doctor Who, who would he cast. An enthusiastic response came up with the name George Irving, at that time playing Holby City’s original ball busting consultant, Anton Meyer. He pointed out the success of ITV’s big senior stars, and said the Beeb would be mad if it didn’t sign Irving up to his own vehicle.

Of course, the reality of what happened when Doctor Who came back is well known. Irving’s name was thrown about as a hypothetical, and long before the reality of a punishing nine-month schedule that mostly involved the lead actor running for much of that time. One only wonders what state Bill Nighy would be in had they gone down that route.

But, drama producers pay heed! Distinguished is sexy, and don’t forget that!

I don’t want to get all Orwellian on you on my first blog of the year, but I’m that sort of mood now. What is it about power and religion do you think, that can give people such courage in their convictions that all reason, clarity, and analytical capability fail them?

Channel 4 unveiled its much-talked about satire The Trial of Tony Blair this morning. Hailing from the writer and the production team behind David Blunkett spoof A Very Social Secretary, this is the latest in the new generation of dramas biting at the ankles of the political establishment.

Robert Lindsay reprises his role as a deluded Blair - this time after he has left office - and frankly, is brilliant. TTofTB is a different animal to the romp that AVSS was and Lindsay has stepped up a level. Not only does he still have the mannerisms and movement spot on, this time he has seemingly captured the PM’s personality and especially that distinctive combination of bewilderment and irritation he displays whenever his judgement is questioned.

Alistair Beaton has written a much darker, tougher piece this time, which sees Blair face hallucinations of dying soldiers and Iraqi children, suicide bombers and his own mortality, weaved through a story which suggests an alternative future [it’s all set in 2010] where he is called to account for the decision he made to go to war.

I am sure for many seeing the dramatisation of Blair’s slow realisation that the “legacy” he had hoped would place him in history as one of the political greats of the 21st century lay in tatters will be entertainment enough. While Beaton’s picture of a man much diminished once he loses his political status is artfully done, for me the real draw, is his suggestion of the internal fervour, delusion, or if I am being blunt, the madness bubbling away just a little bit below the surface.

Lindsay acts it beautifully. In one scene Blair is arguing over his memoirs with his publisher, who points out about the book:

It says “you have felt the hand of history on your shoulder” - 29 times

The book man then goes on to read the following paragraph from the tome [in short]:

“I prayed long and hard.

I prayed long and hard and by the end of the night, I knew that greenlighting the fifth terminal at Heathrow was the right thing to do”

There are more gems in that ilk - and I won’t spoil them for you - but what I will say is given that is ultimately, is a fictional piece, there is a lot of real life in there. As Armando Iannucci has said of his own political satire The Thick of It, Beaton admits:

“Reality has been kind to us. A lot of things that I put in have since become facts in the news.”

By the end of the 90 minute piece - as Blair faces up to the fact he will have to stand trial for war crimes in The Hague - I did feel sorry for him, but in the same way that I felt some pity for Forest Whitaker’s Idi Amin in The Last King of Scotland. In short - childlike delusion, religion and politics just don’t mix.

Phew. All this from a Channel 4 satire. It is definitely worth a look, first airing is on More4 10pm January 15. I’m off to watch Jade Goody and Big Brother to restore the cosmic balance.

It’s always curious to me which programmes the various channels’ press offices decide to promote, and which they resolutely ignore completely. One programme last night fell into the latter camp — BBC1’s The London Nail Bomber, an examination of the three bomb attacks instigated by David Copeland in 1999.

Now first of all, I must declare an interest here. When Copeland’s third, final — and ultimately fatal — bomb went off in the Admiral Duncan pub on Old Compton Street, I had been due to meet a friend there; if I had not been running late, causing me to ring him to reschedule for a later hour, who knows what may have happened. So it was with some trepidation that I sat down to watch this “drama documentary”.

I’m glad I did — but I’m also furious. Furious that a superb, moving documentary — featuring eye-witness testimony, recollections of the police officers, transcripts of Copeland’s own statements, all building up into a meticulous examination of the events of the fifteen days from the first bomb to Copeland’s arrest — should have been sullied by some of the worst dramatisations that the genre has ever produced.

We had the officer in charge of the case, talking to camera about her recollections in a thoughtful, approachable way. And then, we had another woman, twice the size and bearing only a superficial resemblance to her real-life counterpart, expositing to a subordinate as they walked down a staircase and uttering the classic line, “Don’t call me ma’am”. Why? It was a clumsy way to reveal information to the audience — information that the real police officer was clearly quite capable of conveying. It also reeked of a below-par Prime Suspect rip-off.

At other times, the use of reconstruction was quite effective, providing links between police officers’ testimony and the use of the actual CCTV video evidence available. But there were too many places where, by the use of the real witnesses recreating their roles, the reconstruction footage undermined the power of their verbal descriptions. And the ultimate horror: speculation that David Copeland may have had psychosexual fantasies involving bondage and Nazi regalia was illustrated with a dramatised version of those dreams. Again, why? It added nothing but an uncomfortable lack of credibility to a programme which had more than enough real, horrific detail to be drawn from real life.

Thankfully, as the programme progressed to the Admiral Duncan bomb, the excesses of the dramatist curbed themselves and the dramatic reconstructions did their job — joining the dots of what evidence we already had to hand, without overwhelming them. Recollections of the survivors were powerful stuff indeed, none more so than those of Colin Moore, who lost his brother and two friends in the attack. As he fought unsuccessfully to hold back tears when talking about that day, I doubt anyone watching him could remain dry-eyed.

And that’s what angers me. There was more than enough emotion, plenty of factual evidence, for a decent documentary with some reconstruction to be made. But The London Nail Bomber punctured it all with a ham-fisted approach to dramatisation. Maybe the BBC knew that, and maybe that’s why this programme got overlooked in their preview material. It’s a shame, because a re-edited programme, ten minutes shorter with the worst excesses curbed, would have been even more powerful and essential viewing for everyone.

While both EastEnders and Emmerdale killed off one of their leading characters on Christmas Day, it’s the latter that’s held my interest in the weeks since. But that’s not because of the on-screen storylines — instead, I’m hooked on the interactive online game surrounding the murder of Tom King.

ITV has created a Flash-based game at emmerdalemurder.itv.com — beware, dial-up users, it’s really only for broadband people — where a series of clues will be dropped throughout the length of the investigation into the murder, which is scheduled to last 20 weeks. As I write, week 3 is just about to start, but no clues are yet available. If you haven’t started playing yet, don’t worry — you can scroll back to any previous week and explore the village, looking for clues.

Like so many of these types of game, if you look too closely at the gameplay you’ll realise there isn’t too much there at all — it’s mainly just point-and-click (and if you go to the village map in the lower right corner, you get flashing exclamation marks showing you where the clues can be found). But there’s a certain thrill to picking up gossipy messages from Betty on Pearl’s answerphone, or finding the remnants of a threatening letter in someone’s rubbish bin…

Each week, there are four ‘story clues’ to find, each worth 25 points, and ten bonus clues worth 15 points each. To win the big prize at the end of the competition, you need the 100 points from each week’s story clues — but every week, £250 is awarded to someone who has collected all the bonus clues.

Nominally, entry is completely free — although some of the bonus clues are sponsored, and you’re supposed to have to buy Inside Soap, or subscribe to ITV’s mobile WAP portal, to get hold of the clue word that awards you the prize. However, if you don’t have access to these, they usually turn up on Digital Spy’s forums.

Now, this online game is never going to have the long-term appeal of Cluedo (and yes, I’m still jealous that Mark got one of those freebies and I didn’t). But it’s an engaging way of retaining interest in a storyline that, unusually for Emmerdale, is playing out over a comparatively long period of time.

Beat that, EastEnders…

• Emmerdale Murder Game

MI High (Monday 5pm, BBC1)

This new launch for CBBC is worth a look, as it comes from Kudos, the indie behind big BBC hits such as Life on Mars and Spooks. In fact, it could be Spooks Babies, being the adventures of a group of school kids who end up being recruited to assist MI9 in battling threats to the nation. Could be good fun, but is the tongue in or out of the cheek?

ER (Monday 10pm, C4)

An old favourite returns and, it seems, back in the prime of health. The perceived wisdom is that ER has been living on borrowed time for the last few seasons, but there’s evidence of that here as the fall out from last year’s tense cliffhanger is cleaned up. Abby’s in labour, Jerry’s been shot and just where is Luka? This is how to do US drama…

Judge John Deed (Tuesday 9pm, BBC1)

Isn’t Martin Shaw about 80 now? Well, he’s back as John Deed, the greatest high court judge of all time. No stone goes unturned in his pursuit of justice, no sexy QC un-seduced. As Deadringers so neatly pointed out, nobody seems to have told the good judge he’s not supposed to solve the cases himself. Still, it’s a good laugh, but isn’t it about time His Honour got a new trailer though? The current one looks like an ad for Relocation Relocation.

Shameless (Tuesday 10pm, C4)

Somehow, I’ve remained immune to the charms of this perennial C4 hit. I just don’t think it’s as clever as it thinks it is, and now that Maxine Peake has gone, the reasons for watching are diminishing series by series. Still, one of those reasons is still around in the always-impressive David Threlfall as Frank Gallagher, a true TV great. The show might not be my pint of lager, but it’s easy to see quality never the less.

Relocation Relocation (Wednesday, 8pm, C4)

Phil and Kirstie, back to doing what they do best – helping affluently stupid couples attain their sickening two-house lifestyles. Kirstie is something of a heroine, and having her back from maternity leave is like reuniting Bodie and Doyle.

Bill Oddie Back in the USA (Thursday 8.30pm, BBC2)

He’s practically an industry in itself now, and in this fizzy little travelogue, the former Goodie revisits the streets of New York, where he performed as part of the Footlights Review team in 1964. Of course, it’s a wildlife doco too, so the trusty binoculars are never far away.

Mock the Week (10pm, Thursday BBC2)

Gentle satire in the company of Dara O’Briain that could be titled Have I Got Whose Line is it Anyway… Alongside regulars Frankie Boyle and Hugh Dennis, darling of the comedy world David Mitchell (sans Webb) shows off his impeccable timing. Good stuff, and another showcase of why O’Briain should be taking over Room 101 at the end of this run.

Ugly Betty (Friday 9.30pm, C4)

The last great hope for Channel 4’s Friday night ratings comes in the form of Ugly Betty. Exec produced by Salma Hayek, this is the hot new thing from the US, based on the Colombian telenovella, “Yo soy Betty, la fay” (literally “I am Betty, the ugly”. Betty Suarez isn’t what you’d call a looker, but she’s hired to work at a top class fashion magazine – with hilarious consequences. I’m not sure what to think about this – it has a buzz, a great central performance from America Ferrera as Betty, and quirks aplenty. There’s also Jim Robinson from Neighbours, and the lovely Scottish lass from Extras. But it could all go terribly Desperate Housewives…

Room 101 (Friday 10pm, BBC2)

Paul Merton’s final series as the host of Room 101 kicks off with a lorra lorra laughs. Hopefully, Cilla lets us know about those niggling little annoyances in life. Will she be putting herself in there, one can only ask…? It’s already been confirmed that the show will continue without Merton, so who will be taking over? TV Today respectfully throws the names of Marcus Brigstocke and Dara O’Briain into the ring.

The Friday Night Project (Friday 11.05pm, C4)

Hmmm. David Tennant looking for all the world like Liz McDonald, playing companion to JUSTIN LEE COLLINS!!!! As Doctor Who, taking on the Carrlicks on the Pink Planet. It can only be the return of The Friday Night Project, which now occupies a cosy little niche in the schedules against the odds. Thankfully, the Jimmy Carr incarnation is a distant memory.

Spooks (Saturday 8pm, Hallmark)

Saturday was very nearly cancelled due to the depressing litany of singing soapsters, celebs from the very lower orders of the alphabet, and the back to usual tedium of Casualty. Thankfully, Hallmark begins a complete re-run of Spooks from today, starting with the original trio of episodes. It’s an interesting exercise to see how much this always-entertaining show has changed, and the original cast look a bit out of place now. Brilliant though, and the shock death in episode 2 is still a masterstroke. And if Spooks isn’t your cup of espionage, there’s always back-to-back darts coverage all over BBC2.

Mother Love (Sunday 8pm, Artsworld)

Another Godsend of repeat drama sees Diana Rigg at her career best as green-eyed mother Helena. When a new woman comes into her son’s life, Helena goes to outrageous lengths to ensure the rather unhealthy maternal bond is maintained. James Wilby, David McCallum and Fiona Gillies provide excellent support in this Bafta scooping legend from the dark adaptation pen of Andrew Davies.

Waking the Dead (Sunday 9pm, BBC1)

An old favourite is back, as darkly convoluted, impenetrable and delicious as ever. Tara FitzGerald joins the Cold Case team as new forensic boffin Eve Lockhart, who will no doubt rub Boyd up the wrong way so he can have lots of shouty moments. You can tell it’s a new season, Trevor Eve has a new suit and his beard has been trimmed. Plot doesn’t matter with Waking the Dead, so don’t even go looking for one.

The Search (Sunday 9pm, C4)

After Codex comes The Search, showing that the appetite for The Da Vinci Code styled game shows is growing fast. Jamie Theakston guides some beautiful people around the globe, where he has hidden secret symbols across seven countries. We’re assuming he hasn’t actually gone and hidden them himself, that would be too much for a C4 budget. This could be good fun, if a little light, but then, so was The Da Vinci Code.

That’s the first New Year’s Resolution out of the window then. Curse you, Celebrity Big Brother! How dare you furnish me with the most interesting mix of personalities since the original Celebrity BB! Had Ken Russell not waddled into view just as I was passing through the living room, I’d have walked on by, back to the shed, the laptop and stack of deadlines.

Instead, the sight of this relic from cinema days gone by had my eyes bolted to the screen for the next hour, watching goggle-eyed as each new hack, WAG, the great, the good and the Bollywood stepped out of the car. I put my hands up to this one, I’m weak. I am well and truly in, and here’s what TV Today thinks of the red carpet housemates…

Jermaine Jackson. Quite amusing that he didn’t introduce himself to anyone, safe in the assumption that everybody would know who he is. At least Leo Sayer knew who he was, but it’s not certain that Jermaine could repay the compliment.

Danielle Lloyd. Could be a bit if a dark horse, this one. The disgraced Miss Great Britain looked like a rabbit in the headlights last night, but underneath this WAGish exterior could be a ruthless manipulator. She likes a good game of poker, apparently.

Ken Russell. Oh my, this is the first stroke of genius, and it’s only Day One. Danielle looked terrified when he wandered in, and one hopes he’s not going to recreate the wrestling scene from Women in Love. We have this year’s John McCririck, ladies and gentlemen!

Jo O’Meara. An early contender to go the distance. She has that no-nonsense, sensible air, will take things as they come, but will give it out when necessary. Reach for the stars… Or something.

Shilpha Shetty. She’s not quite sure what she’s doing there, but adding a touch of class to proceedings never hurt. The Bollywood superstar is stunning, and no doubt fiercely intelligent and will run rings round everybody.

Leo Sayer. The second stroke of genius. The bubble-topped singer is mad as a box of frogs, and could take everybody down with him. He’s like Colin Hunt from The Fast Show, but is also a lovely fella, and that goes a long way in the BB House.

Carole Malone. A self-confessed reality TV hater, things could backfire on one of Grub Street’s finest hacks. Could do a Germaine Greer and walk early, or she could be a huge hit. Dirk Benedict will hate her. I don’t know why, it’s just a feeling…

H from Steps. It would be a tragedy to call him Ian Watkins. And while we’re on the subject, does anybody know why he was called H? Answers on a postcard, please!

Donny Tourette. Erm… I thought this was a windup, and I’m still not convinced this guy isn’t a plant. But the Internet would seem to think otherwise, unless C4 has been seeding evidence of The Towers of London across the Web.

Cleo Rocos. An unknown quantity, but could be great, great fun. She looks amazing, and has the balls to take on anybody in there. And it will all be in the best possible taste!

Dirk Benedict. The Face Man! He zoomed to the top of my favourite list as soon as he stepped from the A-Team’s van. Says he doesn’t like the cameras, but he certainly knows where they are and how to perform for them. He’s a legend (to me at any rate), and could be popular for the kitsch vote.

The onset of a desperate lurgy curtailed my plans for a New Year’s Eve of drinking lovely creamy Guinness in the pub down the road from my in-laws in deepest County Mayo. This necessitated a night of enforced TV viewing from the best Ireland has to offer.

First up was the premier soap on RTE One, otherwise known as Fair City. It’s a bit like Family Affairs, but better. It’s pushing nearly 20 years on air, and still pulls in the punters. Not watching on a regular basis, I had absolutely no idea who anybody was or what the heck was going on, but it all seems cosily soapy. There’s a pub, there’s a corner shop (last time I watched, the shop owner was having an affair with Trevor Jordache off of Brookside), there’s a garage etc. All the soap archetypes are there, and, as is the way, the acting talent ranges from rather good to bloody awful. Still, Nigel Harman hasn’t darkened the door yet, so the population of Fair City can breath easy.

After Fair City, we were in familiar territory, with the New Year special of Celebrity Jigs and Reels. Basically, it’s Strictly Come Riverdancing in which various celebs get to go mental to some pop choons alongside dancers of repute who have served out their dues in Riverdance itself. All good fun. The three judges aren’t quite in the Len Goodman league, but they can be fairly biting, especially avuncular funny man George Hook. As for the celebs, I recognised a lassie from Fair City (who won), but the big surprise was former Big Brother contestant Ray, who it turns out has quite a flourishing broadcasting career in his native land. Who would have thought?

One thing Strictly could learn from its Irish cousin is the method of judges’ voting. These scores aren’t revealed until after the phone lines close, being posted in sealed boxes on the desk in front of them. This seems a fairer way of going about things, as what the judges think score doesn’t influence the rankings until after the fact. You can tell I’m still smarting from the Emma Bunton fiasco on last year’s Strictly.

It was then a quick flick over to the Irish language channel, TG4, for another soap, the excellent Ros Na Run. A lot of our homegrown soaps could learn a lot from this master class in how to make a soap. Compelling storylines, well-drawn characters, and a high standard of production. They even have a gay couple running the pizza parlour – who says The Archers is the most progressive soap?

We saved the best for last on the night’s viewing agenda with Podge and Rodge’s Bogmannay Special (incorporating the Feejit Awards – use your imagination on that one). Podge and Rodge are the sensation that’s sweeping the nation, descendants of Big Breakfast imports Zig and Zag. The O’Leprosy brothers first appeared on children’s show, The Den, before graduating to their own, late night cult hit, A Scare at Bedtime, in 1996. A Scare at Bedtime’s run ended in 2005, to be replaced by The Podge and Rodge Show, the pair’s own chat show.

It’s subversive and quite brilliant. Filthy and fun, the show has been a huge success for RTE , securing Podge and Rodge’s place as national favourites. The Guests on the Bogmannay special included Freddie Star, a dazed and confused Jason Donovan (poor lamb, his agent clearly hadn’t briefed him) and some girls from B*witched, who are reforming. May the Lord have mercy on our souls. A Scare at Bedtime has popped up every now and then on the Paramount Comedy Channel, but we’ve yet to be graced with The Podge and Rodge Show. Rumour has it that everybody from the Beeb, to C4 and beyond are keen to get their hands in the papier mache pranksters. If they do, you’re all in for a treat. If you can’t wait, hie yourself to Youtube and see what you can find for a taste of the Next Big Thing.

The same background actors were crossing behind us numerous times during our scenes. We naively assumed that the audience would notice this, and it would disrupt their suspension of disbelief, so we mentioned our concerns to the first assistant director. He politely and gently pointed out to us, “If the audience is watching the people in the background instead of the actors — who are performing a scene — in the foreground, losing their suspension of disbelief is the least of your problems.”

Former Star Trek: The Next Generation actor Wil Wheaton, turning in another review of the show over at TV Squad. This time, he reviews the show’s very first episode, Encounter at Farpoint.

With Celebrity Big Brother now a firm fixture in the New Year schedules, both BBC1 and ITV1 are turning to their own celebrity reality shows in an effort to retain some audience share. And, in a fit of originality, both involve getting celebrities to sing.

First up is the BBC’s Just the Two of Us — a form of Strictly Come Singing with celebs paired up with professionals to sing a series of duets. Starting tonight, with shows at 9pm and 10.35pm, the contestants are:

• Julia Bradbury, Watchdog presenter (singing with Tony Christie)
• Janet Ellis, former Blue Peter presenter and mum of Sophie Ellis-Bextor (Alexander O’Neal)
• Hannah Waterman, formerly of EastEnders and daughter of Denis “write the theme tune, sing the theme tune” Waterman (Marti Pellow)
• Luke Bailey, Casualty’s Sam Bateman (Natasha Hamilton) (pictured)
• John Bardon, EastEnders’ Jim Branning (Jocelyn Brown)
• Mark Butcher, cricketer (Sarah Brightman)
• Brendan Cole, Strictly Come Dancing dancer (Beverley Knight)
• Gregg Wallace, veggie chef (Carol Decker)

This is joined on Friday by ITV’s Soapstar Superstar, which pretty much does what it says on the tin. This year’s contestants:

• From Coronation Street: Antony Cotton, Jane Danson, Tupele Dorgu
• From Emmerdale: Ben Freeman, Verity Rushworth, Hayley Tamaddon, Matthew Wolfenden
• Gemma Atkinson, Hollyoaks: In the City
• Elaine Lordan, formerly of EastEnders
• Mark Furze, Home and Away
• Alan Fletcher, Neighbours

Of the two shows, I must admit that Just the Two of Us appeals more to me, if only because of its greater likelihood of a complete no-hoper shaming themselves on national telly (e.g., last year’s atrociously entertaining Penny Smith). I can’t help but feel sorry for Hollyoaks actress Loui Batley, who has had to pull out after her singing partner, last year’s winner Russell Watson, was told to withdraw by his doctors.

Neither show is ever likely to be Bafta-winning material, but at least the sight and sound of people attempting to do something constructive in the performing arts is better than studying the erratic behaviour of a bunch of celebs locked up in an artifical house in Borehamwood. One does have to wonder, though, would either of the main channels have ever put on these shows if they didn’t have to compete with the ratings juggernaut of Celebrity Big Brother?