March 2007 Archives

So here it is — the start of ten weeks that aims to repeat the success of the hunt that found Connie Fisher and created a critically-acclaimed West End star. It’s from the same team, and we’re not allowed to forget it: the series’ heritage is worn on its technicolor sleeve from the very first.

This first show concentrated on the initial auditions to find the 100 ‘boys’ for the London callbacks. As with Maria?, and unlike most other talent shows, there’s no celebrity judge involvement at this stage - just casting director David Grindrod. Imagine that — involving a casting director in a casting process. It says something that this seems like a novelty for shows of this type…

With a brief diversion as Andrew Lloyd Webber visits an amateur youth theatre project in Camden. Just his presence there seems to stimulate the whole group and there’s a great atmosphere. “The name’s Cowell. Simon Cowell,” he japes with them. Upon the second visit, to a gospel choir, it’s clear that far from emulating ITV’s Mister Nasty, he’s really interested in inspiring singers to deliver the best out of themselves.

As the auditions progress, both ALW and Tim Rice pop in to the auditions process, and it seems no time at all until all 100 places have been filled. Again, how different from the Cowell approach. No comedy auditionees, no judges’ spats — just concentrating on glimpsing the talent, and moving on so that we have more time to spend finding the top singers from a pool of good potential. That’s why I love this show.

On to the callback process, and here’s where some of the more conventional TV audition techniques get introduced. Kick off with a couple of great performances - check. Unlikely candidate with backstory videotaped with syrupy backing music - check. And gods, is that a Westlife track as he scrapes through to the next round? We’re in no danger of a cheese deficiency, that’s for sure.

After a slew of successful auditions, we start to see some failures. And with the failures, come the begging and the scary girlfriends. For some it works - James and Brendan get through after initially being turned down, but Tom’s backtalk is not so successful. And as for Sarah, the girlfriend who claims to not be scary? Who’d want to be her partner Brendan?

It’s Irish Nick’s turn for his callback. “I think this is impressive,” says Graham Norton, “but it’s very hard to know”. I can’t help thinking that ITV would put Graham on a judging panel… Nick gets through.

One can’t help but feel sorry for Ian, a self-taught amateur who fails to impress the judges. “You’re right, it is unfair,” consoles Graham. “But every other audition process you go through will be like this”.

And that’s the key, isn’t it? Other talent shows help promulgate the notion that a TV talent show is the be-all and end-all, causing failed auditionees to break down as their artficially built-up dreams are shattered. Here, an unsuccessful audition is rightly dealt with as a disappointment, but not a permanent setback.

And so — North Londoners who can’t sing “Close Every Door” notwithstanding — we eventually end up with the fifty boys who are going through into Joseph school. Except, what’s this? Three failed auditionees ‘decide’ to drop in on ALW at his office? And this impromptu visit just happens to coincide with the presence of a TV crew? And, after auditioning, one of them will be given an extra place at Joseph school? That’s not been planned by the TV producers at all, has it. It’s quite disappointing in its transparency, really. Although that won’t stop me crossing my fingers that amateur Ian makes the grade.

All in all, a promising start to what is already proving to be a riveting series. Next week: Joseph school takes 50 51 down to 20, and a performance in front of members of the public, celebrities and Louis Walsh determines the final 12 for the live finals.

Can’t wait!

And so it’s back. From outer space. Well, the moon at any rate.

The first episode of the new series of Doctor Who introduces medical student Martha Jones (Freema Agyeman) - a level-headed character who, when thrown in to unusual situations, takes a deep breath and gets on with things — but still has time to marvel at what she sees as she goes.

And there’s a lot for her to take in. Her hospital gets transported to the moon (in a comparatively poor transition with a thunderclap that sounds like it comes straight from a stock sound effects LP from the 1970s). It’s invaded by a platoon of Judoon, rhino-like policemen-for-hire looking for a vampiric plasmavore, who herself has two leather bikers to do her dirty work.

Another week, another reality TV show promising to discover another West End star.

Or, in the case of Grease is the Word, two West End stars. Yes, David Ian — Live Nation supremo and Stage 100 perennial — is on the hunt for both a Sandy and a Danny for his new production of Grease.

So, what is the word on Grease is the Word? Well, having seen a press preview, I would say it’s a little bit like How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria? — but a lot more like X-Factor.

The panel includes Ian himself, former pop starlet Sinitta, choreographer to the stars Brian Friedman and general troublemaker David Gest.

From what I can tell from the 15-minute clip which us press were shown this week, I would suspect that the series may not play well with certain members of the industry.

It’s big, it’s brash and unlike in Maria, there seems to be little attempt to pretend that the early stages of the show are anything other than a chance to laugh at people who can’t really sing, dance or act and really would have been better advised not to turn up to the audition in the first place.

To be fair to the producers, it makes entertaining TV, but it remains to be seen whether that will appease the dissenting voices who have complained that the Pop idol auditioning format is degrading.

Meanwhile, in another nod to the X Factor, the obligatory squabbling between judges seems to be breaking out, with a rather entertaining show put on by the two Davids (Ian and Gest) for the assembled press as they bandied sly digs at each other.

Gest seems annoying enough that the dislike on Ian’s part could certainly be genuine enough, but whether the whole thing is contrived for entertainment’s sake is anyone’s guess.

Certainly the two of them are singing off very different hymn sheets. Ian was keen to play down the rivalry between his and Andrew Lloyd Webber’s rival show Any Dream Will do, saying:

Like all TV programmes, viewers have got a choice of what to watch and I think it’s great, as a theatre producer, that Saturday night television for a time will be dominated by the theatrical industry on prime time television. If someone had told Andrew Lloyd Webber or I that a year ago we wouldn’t have believed our luck.

Gest was taking a different tack. “I think Grease has great songs,” he declaimed. “I don’t think Joseph has as good songs. Not by far. Everybody knows. Screw it, Grease has great songs.”

The Weakest Link (Friday 8.30pm, BBC1)

Ahead of tomorrow’s premiere of that thing with the Police Box, the Doctor faces his most dangerous foe ever – Anne Robinson. All manner of Who luminaries are on hand for this special edition, including the Doctor himself.

Ugly Betty (Friday 9pm, C4)

It’s quite easy to forget that Ugly Betty is still on, but it remains great, cartoony fun and passes an hour rather well (considering the other shows on offer tonight, Betty is a godsend of quality viewing). Most episodes blur into one, so there’s no point telling you what happens. Just go with the flow…

I Blame the Spice Girls: The Monster Quiz of the Decade (Friday 9pm, Five)

Yes, I blame the Spice Girls too. This quiz looking back over the last ten years is supposed to celebrate 10 years of Five. Is this the best they can do? Shouldn’t we just be having a weekend of back-to-back CSI? Predictably disappointing.

Doctor Who (Saturday 7pm, BBC1)

Oh, it’s back is it? Yawn. Not sure I can be bothered this year… Ah, who am I kidding, I’m still as big a Doctor Who daftie as I ever was. This new series looks slicker and more exciting than ever, with new girl Martha Jones quickly dispelling the spirit of… well, whoever that other girl was. In tonight’s opener, medical student Martha finds the hospital she’s working in is transported to the moon, where the thuggish looking Judoon are causing merry hell. But who on earth is the odd bloke with the sideburns and natty blue suit? Next week: Shakespeare. Verily, bring it on!

View the Series 3 Trailer

Any Dream Will Do (Saturday 7.45pm, BBC1)

Following the modest success of How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria, Graham Norton is back with a chance for the blokes to get in on the West End action as Andrew Lloyd Webber searches for a new Joseph. This looks like a lot of fun (as was Maria), with Bill Kenwright stepping into the producer slot left vacant by David Ian’s defection to ITV with Grease. Norton glides about proceedings effortlessly, perfectly suited to the format, with John Barrowman and Denise Van Outen on hand as judges. Will Doctor Who and Joseph be a dream pairing for BBC1? Time will tell…

View Joseph:Any Dream will Do clips

A Tribute to John Inman (Saturday 8.25, BBC2)

Wendy Richard heads up a tribute for the fondly remembered John Inman, who died earlier this month. Amongst the interviews with friends and colleagues will be a showing of Front Page Story, an episode of Are You Being Served?, the classic sit com that made the actor a star. Mr Lucas is appointed editor of the Grace Brothers staff magazine, where he launches a beauty contest with Miss Brahams as a ringer. Great show, great actor.

Celebrity Wife Swap (Sunday 8pm, C4)

Sadly this isn’t a patch on the sublime Edwina Currie/John McCirrick edition of a while back, but there’s still something that boggles the mind in the pairing of Paul Daniels and Vanessa Feltz. What’s that? Paul Daniels is quiet, withdrawn and sullen? Surely not! It’s not often I sympathise with Vanessa Feltz, but this is one of those rare occasions. Meanwhile “The Lovely” Debbie McGee has gone to stay with Feltz’s young fiancée, Ben Ofoedu. On the evidence of this, you wonder why she’d want to go back to millionaire Paul Daniels (thank you Mrs Merton!)

Persuasion (Sunday 9pm, ITV1)

The trio of Jane Austen adaptations have, on the whole, been great stuff, not least of all this deft take on Persuasion. If any actor was seemingly tailor made to play an Austen fella, it’s Rupert Penry-Jones. How many ladies have dreamt of this dashing figure striding across a field towards them, shirt aflowing? Anne Elliot’s family is forced to move to Bath following daddy blowing their fortune. Renting out their estate to another family brings the figure of Captain Wentworth back into Anne’s life, which is a bit of a shock considering she was once set to marry him. Oops! The rest of the blanks you can probably fill in yourself.

Mark Lawson Talks to Nicholas Craig (Sunday 10pm, BBC4) There’s something about Nicholas Craig, the self-styled Naked Actor, that’s always joyful to watch, but is never quite as clever as Nigel Planer would have you believe. Still, this is good knock about fun, as a poker faced Mark Lawson interviews the former Young One’s alter ego. He’s worked with them all, darling, and now he’s about to star in top US drama, McKendrick. If you can let yourself go and enter into the fun, this is worth a giggle or two.

And after last night’s triumphant return of The Apprentice, it seems that the scientfically proven fact that MILK FROTHS isn’t quantum physics, either. Poor Dr Sophie. She doesn’t help her cause with this quote from her profile on the official website:

“I think I’m one of the few people who are blessed with using both sides of my brain equally. I can understand the technical side of things but also have vision.”

The techinical and vision side of milk clearly a blind spot then? I take it the poor girl didn’t spend much time in the dairy aisle of Sainsburys when she used to work there. But luckily for Sophie, she survived the bullet for stuffing up the coffee flogging task by the virtue of her team leader managing to be even more idiotic than she was.

I liked Andy, he was a sweetheart, but unfortunately he was a little man talking big. Anybody who says:

“We work until we bleed!”

has got to be having a laugh. He was like a Northern take on Drop The Dead Donkey’s Gus Hedges, only with glasses and paunch. had the lad stayed, I’m sure held have been calling his team ‘Business Hounds’ before episode 2 was out of the door.

But the one I’m watching is Jadine. Is she all talk, like Andy, or can she go the distance?

The Apprentice is on BBC1 on Wednesdays at 9pm. Relax everybody. Everything’s all right now. Everything’s fine.

Via Paul Cornell comes news that Doctor Who’s second series has gathered three nominations in the Hugo Awards, which celebrate the best in science fiction and fantasy, in the ‘dramatic presentation (short form)’ (i.e., television) category.

The episodes that have been nominated are:

• School Reunion by Toby Whithouse, which saw former companion Sarah Jane Smith reunited with the Doctor, causing Rose to question whether her time travelling would one day come to an end;
• The Girl in the Fireplace by Steven Moffatt, with the Doctor chasing a cadre of clockwork robots through various time zones in pre-revolutionary France in order to save Madame de Pompadour from having her brain cut out and inserted into the central computer of a stricken spaceship; and
• the season finale double-bill of Army of Ghosts and Doomsday by Russell T Davies, with alternate universe Cybermen taking over the Earth, hordes of Daleks in the skies above Canary Wharf, and leaving Rose and her family stranded in a parallel world with no chance of ever returning.

The episodes are up against an episode of Battlestar Galactica, Downloaded, and one from Stargate SG-1, 200.

Of the three British nominees in this category, I’ll personally be rooting for The Girl in the Fireplace, as I think it’s by far the most imaginative of last series’ episodes. If it does, it’ll be two years on the trot not only for Who, but for Moffatt as a writer: last year, he won for the World War II double-parter, The Empty Child and The Doctor Dances, beating both Paul Cornell’s Father’s Day and Robert Shearman’s Dalek.

The awards will be announced as part of WorldCon 2007, to be held in Japan later this year.

It seems that readers of radiotimes.com are a touch confused about the concept of “character”. In a recent poll, the online portal of the legendary magazine asked readers to vote for the coolest character on TV. The results tallied up like this:

1. Doctor Who (David Tennant)
2. Jack Bauer in 24 (Kiefer Sutherland)
3. The Fonz in Happy Days (Henry Winkler)
4. Mr Darcy in Pride and Prejudice (Colin Firth)
5. Cat in Red Dwarf (Danny John-Jules)
6. DCI Gene Hunt in Life On Mars (Philip Glenister)
7. Dermot O’Leary
8. Columbo (Peter Falk)
9. Dylan in The Magic Roundabout 10.Sawyer in Lost (Josh Holloway)

All fine and dandy, until we get down to number 7 – Dermot O’Leary. Sorry Derm, it seems that you’re not a real person, but are in fact a television character. Sorry mate!

In at number 6 on the poll is TV Today favourite DCI Gene Hunt off of Life on Mars, as played by Philip Glenister. Glenister is rapidly becoming a hero for us here, even more so after his no holds barred interview in the print edition of this week’s edition of the Radio Times:

“There are some very good people in television, but a lot of fools running it. They put fame ahead of talent and think somebody from EastEnders will put bums on seats. Bollocks!”

he told Andrew Duncan. And so say all of us! Do you think there’s any chance Glenister would apply for the job of BBC Chairman? The campaign starts now!

Staying with the Radio Times, Alison Graham is at it again. This week, she says that British drama doesn’t have the ability to be funny, asking us when we last had a laugh at Judge John Deed or Waking the Dead, fawning all over her beloved House yet again. House is fine if you like smug, self-satisfied fare with a central character who might as well have a sign round his neck saying: “You don’t have to be mad to work here, but it helps!”. Actually, I don’t mind House, but Graham completely ignores the likes of Life on Mars, Doctor Who or the lightness of touch of Corrie where there are laughs aplenty. (But when TV Today is fawning all over Doctor Who for the next 13 weeks, it’s totally different – okay?)

Finally, we can move away from the Radio Times. A big tut tut to EastEnders’ Mohammed George (Gus) and Corrie’s Bruce Jones (Les) who have both received suspensions from their respective soaps for less than exemplary behaviour. I won’t go into the details of their misdemeanours, but I have to question whether the seemingly constant round of suspensions of soap actors actually does any good. I feel that the audience don’t really give a stuff what soap actors get up to on their time off, whether getting jiggy on the internet or getting beered up and shouting at somebody. It’s the red tops who seem to get all lathered up about it. Enough!

We also have a belated “Say it ain’t so!” to cry out over the appalling news that Moira Stuart has been left without a regular news reading slot on the Beeb since her recent dropping from Sunday AM. If anybody in the News department at Auntie is reading this, sort it out, or there will be trouble (and I’ll send Scott round to have a word).

And how about Postman Pat, who is set to storm the US after the character’s owners, Entertainment Rights, struck a deal to air the adventures of Pat across the pond? As long as he doesn’t have to endure a name change to Mailman Pat and the kids don’t have a problem with such po-faced fare from Blighty, he’ll be grand. Hope he can get Jess through customs, though…

It won six BAFTAS, put Robbie Coltrane and Emma Thompson on the acting map and was arguably one of the finest drama series of the 1980s. Yet, with this pedigree, John Byrne’s Tutti Frutti has largely been forgotten in the pantheon of great television.

But that might all be about to change as, 20 years after it first aired, Tutti Frutti could be set for a long-overdue repeat run, according to The Scotsman.

It’s not hard to see why Tutti Frutti disappeared after its original (and one repeat) run. The six part story of Scottish band The Majestics had a seam of 60s music running like a seam through the soundtrack, leading to complicated and expensive rights issues which prevented exploiting further repeat runs and video/DVD releases.

Series writer John Byrne told The Scotsman:

“There are no longer any impediments to its being broadcast; that’s what they told me. I’m very happy for it to go ahead. That would be really nice, to give people a chance to see it again.”

BBC4 is reportedly in the process of clearing up any lingering rights issues on the music – previously, Little Richard had been said to charge $10,000 for using the title song for the one and only BBC2 repeat run.

But now these issues appear to have been surmounted, and BBC4 could be airing the adventures of Danny McGlone, Suzy Kettles and the rest of The Majestics this summer. Only two decades late for a multi-award winning drama triumph that deserves to be feted alongside the likes of The Singing Detective as an example of fine British television drama.

Mobile (Monday 9pm, ITV1)

Part two of this intriguing thriller and the perspective changes to one of the gunmen (Jamie Draven) who offed our mobile phone engineer at the end of last week. Time is rewound to give some background as to why the shooting took place, with links to the Iraq War. However, it all remains bewildering and I’m holding out the vain hope that all will become clear with next week’s closing instalment.

Coronation Street (Monday 7.30pm/8.30pm)

A pair of episodes that displays just why Corrie is still top of the pile when it comes it the soap mountain. Last night’s two hander between Tracy and Deirdre was top notch (even if it did give Anne Kirkbride too much opportunity to emote), and the trial of the century kicks off. Tongues are going to be wagging down Weatherfield way for weeks! Jason Grimshaw takes the stand – will the builder be able to grunt more than one syllable and get Tracy sent down for murdering his boss?

The Original Godfathers (Tuesday 11.30am, Radio4)

More of a Square Ears recommendation this (i.e. it’s on the wireless!), but anybody with half in interest in TV history will find this essential listening as Paul Jackson charts the writing partnership of Frank Muir and Dennis Norden. These giants of British comedy practically invented the sitcom with the family The Glums, part of the radio comedy Take it From Here, and here the pair receive just tribute.

Castaway: The Last 24 Hours (Tuesday 8pm, BBC3)

Danny Wallace counts just how many viewers have buggered off over the last day.

Life on Mars (Tuesday 9pm, BBC1)

We’re just a few episodes from the final reel, but Sam Tyler still has some 1970s style police work to slog through first before we discover the truth behind his unique predicament. When a Ugandan Asian is shot dead in his own record shop, it’s suspected that he may have been involved in drug dealing (bolstered by a wrap of heroin being found in his pocket). All good stuff, with plenty of Gene-isms to keep all of us amused, but with some issue based drama on the sidelines. Two weeks to go until we find out if there really is Life on Mars…

Coronation Street (Wednesday 7.30pm, ITV1)

A second recommendation for Coronation Street this week as the murder trial continues. This is worth it for a chance to see Kate Ford as toxic Tracy going for it full throttle as the Barlow bitch takes the witness stand in her defence. I’ll confess, when Kate Ford made her Corrie debut, I thought she was dreadful. Jump forward 5 years, and she’s one of the best things in it. Enjoy these final performances from this cracking soap actress while you can – one way or the other, Trace won’t be around much longer…

The Apprentice (Wednesday 9pm, BBC2)

The end of Masterchef has left me seriously in need of a TV obsession, and true to form, Auntie Beeb has answered my call. The Apprentice is back, on a new channel, but you can bet Sir Alan Sugar is going to be as much of a miserable old soak as he was last year. And hurrah for that – it wouldn’t be The Apprentice if he wasn’t. But will the new series provide us with a new Ruth Badger? Surely that’s just too much to ask!? The Apprentice - You’re Fired follows on BBC2 at 10pm.

Remembering Roots (Thursday 9pm, BBC4)

Still regarded by many as the finest example of television drama, this timely documentary examines just what it was about Roots that redefined the television viewing experience for a generation. Just one question: where’s the repeat for the series itself?

Bones (Thursday 9pm, Sky One)

Stephen Fry off of Jeeves and Wooster in Bones with David Boreanaz off of Angel. The mind does indeed boggle…

Wedding Belles (Thursday 10pm, C4)

This is a no-brainer for a drama of the week, being a darkly comic tale from the pen of novelist Irvine Welsh and Dean Cavanagh and featuring a headlining turn from the divine Michelle Gomez. Set in Leith, Amanda (Gomez) is preparing for her wedding to an airline pilot. Along with her three lifelong friends, Rhona, Kelly and Shaz, the route to the wedding is not a smooth or happy one. As this has Welsh’s name to it, prepare for filthy (but charged dialogue), violence and explicit sex, but put in context, it all works beautifully. Keep watching for another Irvine Welsh drama, The Granton Star Cause, directly afterwards at midnight.

News stories always come in waves, and TV has been no exception. It seems everywhere we’ve turned for the past few weeks, another tale has emerged of some TV programme falsifying something to pull the wool over the eyes of an unsuspecting public.

As with all journalistic fads, there’s usually one story that makes you stop and think, “right — that’s that genre done to death”. Now I thought it may have been the recent Blue Peter debacle — not that anyone should have been surprised on that score; after all, this is the TV show that replaced the ‘real’ Petra when the original puppy died off-screen; who denied Anita West a place in the programme’s list of past presenters until 1998; and who invented the phrase, “Here’s one I made earlier”, uttered by presenters during the famous ‘makes’ as they bring on a half-completed version that you know was made by someone else altogether.

But now, we have an altogether more banal story, that really shows that the bottom of the barrel is being scraped. The apparent crime?

Songs of Praise is recorded.

Yes. That’s pretty much the nub of it. Apparently, the Easter edition was recorded last year, double-banked with a Christmas edition from the same location. Different flowers and changes in lighting were used to avoid both editions looking too similar.

The Bishop of Lichfield says that, while the early recording was clearly not a “deliberate deceit” (gee, thanks, Bish), it would give an “air of unreality” to the programme. Which is only true if anybody believed that the smoothly executed broadcast from a different location each week actually went out live. Although I suppose that, given what miraculous events Christians celebrate at Easter, “BBC doesn’t mess up live outside broadcast” doesn’t seem quite so fantastical…

Now — while we’re on the subject of fictionalised versions of Songs of Praise, watch this video created by comedian Adam Buxton:

A great evening out at the Mayfair Hotel on Wednesday night, at the launch of Series 3 of Doctor Who. I met some great people, just a few of whom you can catch at the tail end of our Doctor Who podcast. During the Q&A session with David Tennant and Freema Agyeman, hosted by Russell T Davies, there were a few interesting and funny moments, as I’ve catalogued below. One or two mused on things that either went on in the episodes we saw, or the preview trailer for the rest of the series — so if you’re of a spoilerphobic disposition, you may want to look away…

RTD: Hello, I’m Nadine Baggott! (to DT, explaining who she is) She minces on about moisturiser.

RTD: We’re not going to answer any questions about Series 4… if you do [ask], I’ll come down there and slap you!

Question: Does the Doctor get married in Series 3?
DT (pondering the question): Yeeess…
RTD: All suspense, gone…
DT: He doesn’t not… That’s actually quite a difficult question to give you a truthful answer to.
RTD: Where’s Jessica Stevenson? (scans audience) She didn’t turn up!

Sam (Jo Whiley’s son): Did Yvonne Hartman [played by Tracy Ann Oberman] get sucked into the void?
DT: Let’s ask her!
TAO: I got turned into a Cyberperson. Although, frankly, Russell, listen…
RTD: For the rest of your life!
DT: Would you like to see her again? Well, she’s on the Weakest Link on Friday!
RTD: She’s too posh now, she’s got a column in the Guardian and everything! How to lose weight after having a baby. I follow it religiously.

RTD, to Daily Star reporter: The man who invented ‘Britney Spears is going to be in Doctor Who as a sex mad clone’. Were you bored that day, Peter? What was going on? You just made it up, didn’t you!
Star reporter: On a very serious note — David and Freema, when you had to kiss, did either of you slip the tongue in?

Jonathan Ross: You know, watching on the big screen with the sound, I thought, this has got to be a movie. It’d be great to have a Doctor Who film. Have you got any plans?
RTD: There are, er, we really haven’t got hours in the day to— I haven’t even got time for breakfast, let alone anything else. One day! One day, and it will be brilliant. But you know, we say that and then they come along and they say…
DT: “It’s got to have Britney Spears in it!”
RTD: And it would become a piece of trash…
DT: Not that we wouldn’t love to have Britney Spears in Doctor Who. I just want to slip that in.
RTD: As a good, bald alien… (to Ross) Give us the money, then. You’ve got it!
JR: I’m funding the Primeval movie.
RTD: ITV’s answer to Doctor Who!… We’re the BBC’s answer to Primeval!

South Wales Echo: What’s the best thing about filming in South Wales?
(pause)
(laughter)

Young boy: When are you going to go to the 1980s?
RTD: I never left!

Boy: Are you ever going to go back in time and meet Jesus?
RTD: Every year I hand that script in, every year… and he’s gay!

Sometimes a piece of television news can only be met with strangled cries of exasperation. Or in my case, the thud as my head hits the desk in weary resignation.

And so it is with the release of ITV’s latest dynamic plan for regeneration and revival - a daytime spin off from The Royal set in the present day called… The Royal Today.

I’m just going to say that again:

A daytime spin off from The Royal set in the present day called… The Royal Today.

Have they gone stark staring mad?! Look, I know The Royal (and its parent show Heartbeat) is still immensely popular and clearly earn its keep in the ratings, but enough is enough. Why this obsession with brand and siring yet more series on the back the one name?

This seems to sit at odds with ITV’s current ethos as it attempts to steer away from tried and tested formula shows to attract a more desirable audience for its advertisers (witness the success of Primeval as a huge step in the right direction).

But here we have a scheme that dilutes the creativity inherent in the TV industry. Clearly ITV has identified a gap in the daytime schedules, and I’m up for a proper job daytime soap as much as the next commissioning editor. So why not lay down the challenge to the rich seam of indie producers out there to come up with the goods? Actually, let’s not bother. We can just knock off The Royal, bring it forward a couple of decades, call it The Royal Today and then we can sod off for an early lunch. It’s just LAZY!

Or perhaps there is a fear of stepping into the unknown where this genre is concerned. After the failures of both Crossroads and Night and Day, one can understand the trepidation, and looking further back, when was the last new, successful soap created in the UK? I’ll let Doctors scrape through on a technicality, but it’s hardly an inspiring state of affairs, is it?

Have our commissioners lost their bottle so much that they’ve misplaced the ability to take a risk, to have a punt on something new that just might be the next big thing?

I’m not just pointing the finger at ITV here. The BBC are just as guilty with Holby Blue, Rogue Spooks and the industry that is becoming Doctor Who (but we love that, so it’s all right!). What next, MFI: Holby?

So come on, let’s get it together and fight for telly to be original and imaginative and challenging, not a homogenised wasteland of the same old same old.

And as a side note, Executive Producer of The Royal Today, Ken Horn, was quoted in The Sun:

“The new show is like M*A*S*H* without the cynicism.”

I really hope that’s a joke, because the only come back to that is: you should be so lucky.

Time was when the tradition of the Sunday afternoon childrens’ drama serial was a much-cherished part of the schedules. With this new entry to the Sherlock Holmes pantheon, the Beeb has resurrected this grand tradition with some style and verve.

The Baker Street Irregulars are the gang of children employed (some would say exploited) occasionally by Sherlock Holmes to do the tricky jobs that he can’t achieve himself. As the story starts, the leader of the Irregulars has gone missing, presumed drowned, but his sister Sadie isn’t too sure. New leader, Finch, does a good job of keeping the gang together as they take on more work for the world’s most famous detective and his faithful sidekick, Dr Watson. Somebody from Holmes’s past is killing policeman, leaving a jade spoon on the body as a calling card – and the police soon have Holmes at the top of their suspect list. Placed under house arrest, the detective must rely on the Irregulars to help solve the mystery and clear his name. But another member of the gang has gone missing…

Sherlock Holmes and the Baker Street Irregulars has a sheen of quality running across the whole thing, from lovely period detail that easily matches Ruby in the Smoke, the top flight casting of Holmes and Watson, a gripping mystery and a raft of young turns who make this acting lark look easy. It’s a shame that the show has been scheduled just as the lighter nights are coming as this would be perfect to snuggle up to on a dusky autumn evening with a mug of hot chocolate.

Jonathan Pryce chooses to play Holmes straight down the line, when other actors might have followed a quirkier route given this is a drama for, you know, kids. His take on Conan Doyle’s creation adds a calm authority to proceedings that ensures things will be taken seriously (and he might have a pipe, but he never puffs!) Pryce’s friend Bill Paterson gives Watson a nicely Celtic air and the genuine off-screen friendship between the two actors helps to create a memorable pairing.

As for the Irregulars, each member of the cast distinguishes themselves, most notably Aaron Johnson as Finch and Alice Hewkin as Tea Leaf. There’s no mawkishness and awkwardness in any performance and they provide a motley gang of new heroes for a young audience. Even if they are thieves subsidised by an adult who should really know better (in other words, don’t copy this at home, kids.)

The script (which never underestimates the audience) crackles with intelligent dialogue, has a nice air of menace and in Anna Chancellor as Irene Adler, a chilling villain and nemesis for the Irregulars.

This is what children’s drama should be, and on the evidence of this, the death of the genre has been widely exaggerated. ITV and others, take note!

Sherlock Holmes and the Baker Street Irregulars is on BBC1 on Sunday 25th March at 4.30pm.

An interesting morning at the press launch for Any Dream Will Do, the BBC’s new Saturday night talent show to find a Joseph.

We’ve solved (for now) the mystery of Louis Walsh’s involvement: he’s an audience member. Just as last year’s Marias were whittled down from a longlist of 20 to the final ten after a concert performance at Andrew Lloyd Webber’s country pile, this year’s final twelve potential Josephs have been selected after a similar event near ALW’s castle in Ireland. A number of famous faces could be spotted amongst the audience, Louis included — but only the judges made the decision on who to send home, and who to bring to London for the live shows. (That said, the finalists will continue to be getting plenty of tuition on various subjects between live shows, so it’s more than possible that Walsh’s involvement will continue.)

It apparently took two hours for the judges to reach their decision on the final of the twelve places, with the whole list only being finalised at 5 o’clock last night. While the identities of the finalists won’t be revealed just yet, we have been told that among the twelve you’ll be able to see:

• a David Beckham-lookalike
• two 17-year-old school pupils
• a builder
• an amateur dramatics enthusiast
• a professional actor

Bill Kenwright, who as coproducer of the West End musical in which the winner will perform takes the judge’s chair vacated by David Ian, revealed that he nearly didn’t take the job because the live Saturday shows could conflict with supporting Everton FC, of which he is the chairman:

When this came up and they said, “Would you do it?”, I looked at the fixture list. You could count on [one] hand the number of games I’ve missed in the last 54 years… There were three games there that were on Saturdays. So I just prayed they would become Sky games and would go to the Sunday so I could see them. I don’t know at the moment, there are three games there I could possibly miss. I have never missed three games in a season in my entire life!

Elsewhere, new judge Denise Van Outen revealed that after her stint on the US Grease: You’re The One That I Want (BBC Enterprises for NBC) finishes this week, she’ll still be commuting between London and Los Angeles, as she’s signed on for a new (and currently secret) US TV project. Also, as a single woman who was obsessed with Jason Donovan in his Joseph days, she wants the finalists to appeal to her in a particular way:

Being a single girl — twelve guys, you do have your favourite but I know it will change… It’s rather like speed dating for me, the audition process!

At which point somebody asked John Barrowman if he was using the show as a speed dating exercise. Cue a withering look, and a very embarrassed reporter as she realised John’s civil partner was standing behind her…

• Any Dream Will Do starts on March 31 on BBC1 (time still TBC at the moment).

British accents in the US appear to be at the top of today’s agenda. Denise Van Outen has reportedly been sent for elocution lessons as the audience of Grease: You’re the One That I Want are having trouble understanding the Essex lass’s accent. This report comes on the day when Stephen Fry steps into the shoes of Alison Graham as guest TV columnist in the Radio Times to scribble some thoughts on English actors in the US (in a much more benign way than the sainted Graham a few weeks back).

On the subject of Van Outen (who Scott notes will also be judging the BBC’s Any Dream Will Do), none of the news reports quote anybody directly on the subject of the former Big Breakfast presenter taking any elocution lessons. What they do quote is a seemingly anonymous source from the States:

“She is a very attractive girl and has years and years of television experience. That, along with her English accent, meant that she should have been a hit in the States … but they aren’t keen on her voice.”

Which is a far cry from confirming that Van Outen has been sent to talk about the rain in spain. This is followed by the bewildering afterthought:

“They are not keen on her demeanour either.”

There is, as they say, no smoke without fire, but I’m finding this very hard to swallow. Let’s face it, Denise Van Outen, while far from being a spit spot Mary Poppins, she’s hardly Eliza Doolittle either. Lord knows what the US audience will make of Ant and Dec – the Geordie funsters must be quaking in their boots at their impending trip across the Atlantic. At least Heather Mills only has to dance and not say much.

And what about Stephen Fry? He writes in the Radio Times, on the eve of his debut in the Fox drama series Bones:

“I sometimes wonder if Americans aren’t fooled by our accent into detecting a brilliance that may not really be there.”

He goes on to praise American actors’ ability to relax in front of a camera and contrasts James Stewart and George Clooney with Olivier and Branagh. I think rather than having a go at Brits in America and the American audience, he’s coming down on the side of self-deprecation. Indeed, the sight of him playing opposite David Boreanz’s Seely Booth as an FBI psychologist is a patently bizarre sight, and Fry is quite rightly drawing us to the ridiculousness of the situation (whilst clearly being immensely proud of his three episode stint in Bones).

And as for poor Denise Van Outen, I’d rather have a lass with a bit of character than the neutral dullness of Cat Deeley twitterings on American Idol (with apologies to Cat Deeley and her fans, in advance).

Later this week, we’ll have a new Stage Podcast covering the new series of Doctor Who. The centrepiece of our coverage will be an exclusive interview with Doctor Who executive producer, Julie Gardner.

[Update: the podcast is now online]

One of the topics we covered was a possible move to HD. While spin-off show Torchwood was filmed in high definition, Julie confirmed to us that there were no plans for the Doctor to follow in its footsteps:

We do have conversations about it, but I don’t think we’re ready to be on HD. I think it would take more time for us to do our post-production, and I think it would be more costly. And I genuinely love the look that we’ve managed to achieve with our DOPs [directors of photography], and our grade on Doctor Who. Also, we do so many effects on Doctor Who compared to Torchwood — I can’t think what the exact ratio is, but if we’re doing a hundred effects on an episode of Doctor Who we’re doing, I dunno, twenty, or ten, on Torchwood. For the rendering time, the time it would take us for Doctor Who would really delay our schedule quite significantly at the moment. And so we’re happy with our digibeta look on Season 3.

The next edition of the podcast will be available from Thursday afternoon. If you have iTunes, subscribe now and you’ll receive this and future episodes automatically. Other podcast software users, we have an MP3 feed you can use — or you can drop by the podcast blog and listen to individual episodes online.

The Daily Mirror [via TV Scoop] claims that Louis Walsh, the former X Factor judge who was dropped from the show along with presenter Kate Thornton, is to “help out” with the BBC’s How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria? successor, Joseph: Any Dream Will Do.

If there’s any truth to the story at all, then it would be a delicious irony for Walsh, as Joseph is due to go head-to-head with ITV’s own Maria successor, Grease is the Word — which, like X Factor, is to be a coproduction between Talkback Thames and Simon Cowell’s Syco.

Quite what he’d be doing on the show — if the Mirror is correct — is unclear. The BBC has already announced the judging panel for ADYD, and they’re all West End wendys:

• Andrew Lloyd Webber
• actor John Barrowman
• vocal coach Zoe Tyler
• producer Bill Kenwright
• actress Denise Van Outen

Of course, the first three are reprising their Maria roles, and Kenwright takes the producing duties and judge’s chair vacated by David Ian, who has defected to ITV1’s Grease. A bigger surprise is Van Outen, who rather confusingly was last seen on America’s Grease talent show hunt (chief judge: David Ian) as a co-presenter. Blimey, it’s all a bit incestuous, isn’t it? (“Just like the West End.”—Ed.)

What’s certainly not clear is where Louis Walsh — a man with no discernible theatre history — would fit into the BBC show. Unless, of course, he’ll be dropping by “Joseph School”:

…The intense Joseph School workshops also include celebrity mentors such as Jason Donovan popping in to lend their support and advice on what it takes to make it as a Joseph.

There is, of course, the possibility that the Mirror article is wrong — although that surely can’t be true, can it?

In any event, at least the BBC judging panel looks to be composed of experienced West End stars. ITV’s panel for Grease is the Word will, as well as David Ian (whose credentials are beyond reproach) consist of:

• American choreographer Brian Friedman (presumably the theatrical production’s choreographer, Arlene Phillips, is prevented from appearing by her BBC Strictly Come Dancing/Strictly Dance Fever contract)
• Former I’m A Celebrity… contestant David Gest (well, erm, he has an extensive collection of Broadway memorabilia, much of it relating to Judy Garland — although, of course, he had to give one piece back when she divorced him)
• 80s pop singer Sinitta. Who may seem an odd choice, but she was at least part of Simon Cowell’s mentoring team on X Factor, even if the poison dwarf’s ego means that we never got to find out how much of a role she actually played.

I have to say, in terms of being able to spot the better theatrical talent, my money’s on the BBC team of judges. But as far as theatrical longevity in concerned, I think Grease has better potential — even without a TV show to provoke interest in it. Personally, I find the 50s setting and romantic storyline far more appealing than the cutesy naiveté of the ALW/Tim Rice Bible story.

Mobile (Monday 9pm, ITV1)
My word, what do we have here? A genuine thought-provoking drama from ITV that doesn’t descend into formulaic nonsense with nary a quirky detective in sight? Remarkable in itself, but coming on the back of last week’s rather good Fallen Angel, there’s a sense that the country’s premier commercial broadcaster could be building up some momentum again. Mobile phone masts are being blown up at the same time as people are ending up with a bullet through the head for using their mobile phone in public. The police, for whatever reasons, look to a former mobile phone engineer as their prime suspect, thinking he may have motive to act against his former employers – he has a brain tumour. It’s an interesting piece that doesn’t quite set out its stall in this opener, but as the remaining pair show the same events from a different perspective, it should end up being highly satisfying fare. Neil Fitzmaurice and Julie Graham star.

Coronation Street (Monday 7.30pm, ITV1)
Janice Battersby turns detective tonight to discover what her wayward stepdaughter has really been up to in her absence from the cobbles. Is Leanne on the level or is she on the game? What do other readers think?

The Real Shilpa Shetty (Monday 9pm, Sky One)
Considering its long-term effect on the current broadcasting climate, not to mention Celebrity Big Brother being up for a Pioneer Audience Award at the Baftas, it’s probably worth checking out this slick documentary. Not that you’ll learn anything new about the high-profile Bollywood star, but considering her place in our national consciousness, even at this advanced stage, it’s interesting non the less.

Life on Mars (Tuesday 9pm, BBC1)
A belter of an episode that takes liberty with the format in an effort not to kill John Simm off with the pressure being in every single scene as Sam Tyler. In the real world (wherever that may be) it seems that Sam has been given an overdose of medication and he is, shall we say, tripping his tits off. Of course, here is where we get the truly stunning Camberwick Green sequence, but the episode goes beyond that. As Sam has been off on a sickie, it falls to Gene to relate some recent events in flashback, putting the DCI into the forefront of the action. With his wife and daughter kidnapped, a local businessman walks into police HQ and threatens to hang himself unless he gets some help. It’s all great stuff – let’s face it, any series that features the line: “Keep out of Camberwick Green!” has got to be doing something right!

CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (Tuesday 9pm, Five)
Not that I’d suggest for a second that you neglect Life on Mars, but tonight’s trip to Vegas is noteworthy for a special guest spot from Roger Daltrey under all manner of different guises. Of course, Daltrey was probably only too happy to pop in to CSI, considering he likely pockets a very hefty royalty payment every time the theme tune screeches out from the speakers.

Ideal (Tuesday 10.30pm, BBC3)
A return for the Johnny Vegas sitcom, where the big fella stars as hapless drug dealer Moz. It’s okay, but falls very far from brilliant.

Party Animals (Wednesday 9pm, BBC2)
A half decent finale for the mostly hit (peppered with the odd miss) political drama series. In all honesty, there’s possibly one too many character making up the ensemble, but writer Ben Richards has kept tabs on the twisty-turny relationships and all their permutations through the corridors of power at Westminster, with the real star of the show being Andrew Buchan as political agent Scott Foster. It started slowly, but thankfully got there in the end, and hopes are high for a second series.

House (Thursday 9pm, Five)
Hugh Laurie is back as the miserably lovable medic, recovering from last season’s injury at the wrong end of a gun. Thankfully, it’s still the same old House, and that means entertaining yet thought provoking drama at the sharp side of gung-ho medicine. I’m still not sure about that accent, though. However, people who know better than me have told me it’s a stunning piece of acting from the redoubtable Mr Laurie, so I shall bow to better judgement.

The Yellow House (Thursday 9pm, C4)
I’m surprised Channel 4 haven’t been shouting from the rooftops about this solid piece of drama. For a start, it’s drama, seemingly a dying breed for the channel. Secondly, it’s starring the sizzlingly hot John Simm as Vincent Von Gogh. An third… well, it’s quite good. Also starring John Lynch, this tale tells the story of a year in the life of Van Gogh when he shared a house with fellow artist Gauguin. Throughout the year, the pair produced in excess of 40 masterpieces, and there’s not a cow in formaldehyde in sight! Good stuff and one to treasure.

Skins (Thursday 10pm, E4)
I never quite made my mind up on the subject of this interesting little drama, but mostly it seemed to strike the right note thanks to a highly talented cast of performers. Most of the attention has been on Nicholas Hoult’s Tony (Hoult’s turn in About a Boy gave him a certain pedigree), but he’s not the only diamond to shine here. If Skins had one major fault, it’s the confident swagger that makes it quite difficlt to like in places, but if that’s not an accurate depiction of the teenage condition, I don’t know what is. Roll on series two.

Oh, dear lord… Shed Productions, purveyors of such finery as Footballers’ Wives and Bad Girls, have been commissioned to make a drama series based on “a fictional look behind the scenes of a blockbuster TV talent show”.

And what’s worse, Simon Cowell is coming on board “to make sure the series is as true to life as possible.”

Which presumably means that whichever actors are hired to play the presenter and a judge will be sacked, while the short-arsed egotist who can’t spot long term talent to save his life but can quite happily identify which artists can be cynically manipulated for the record company’s sole financial gain will end up looking like a saint.

Simon Cowell apparently says (according to the ITV press release):

I am very excited about this show, the idea is brilliant and Shed Productions have a proven track record of making these type of shows very popular – think X Factor meets Dallas.

In which case, let’s get Charlene Tilton to play the “Mister Nasty” role. She’ll be the right height, and the epithet “Poison Dwarf” will be ever more appropriate…

It’s a sad day here at TV Today towers - Liz Thomas, The Stage’s broadcast correspondent-about-town, is leaving.

We’ll miss her permanent smile and ever-optimistic outlook on life (and all things televisual) just as much as her ruthless efficiency and seemingly effortless organisational skills. Still, our loss is the gain of the UK’s third best television publication, Broadcast (after, of course, The Stage and Doctor Who Magazine).

We’ll also miss her effortless ability to get into the swankiest parties, meet the top celebs and then swan in to the office talking about her exploits while completely avoiding our seethingly jealous looks.

Seriously, though, Liz — best of luck in everything you do. We’re going to miss you lots and lots.

Comic Relief (Friday 7pm, BBC1)

The marathon fund-raiser is back for more hilarity in the name of getting you to stump up your cash. Highlights include the last ever Vicar of Dibley (until the next one), the climax of Fame Academy, Girls Aloud taking on Sugababes, and lots of brand new sketch material. Lowlights? Too much exposure to Lenny Henry (hint: Lenny, you’re just not funny anymore). And as a sign of just how much of a knock-on Comic Relief has on the rest of the schedules, just switch over to Channel 4. They’re showing a triple bill of Ugly Betty reruns. Sigh.

Dancing on Ice: The Final (Saturday 6.30pm. ITV1)

I have a real blind spot where Dancing on Ice is concerned. The first series did nothing for me, and I’ve barely registered this second run. Still, it’s clearly a winning format, and I’m always prepared to applaud some celebs employing a bit of serious skill. I can’t skate for toffee (or dance for that matter), so it’s hard to get snobby about this show.

Eurovision: Making Your Mind Up (Saturday 7.40pm, BBC1)

It’s that time of year again when a rag tag group of performers takes a punt on Eurovision glory and prostrate themselves before the nation for approval. Among those hoping to succeed are Brian Harvey, Justin Hawkins and, erm… Scooch. They were a band once, apparently.

Primeval (Saturday 7.50pm, ITV1)

Primeval ends its first series with Cutter and the team being called in to a local zoo where something has been snacking on the lions. Turns out the MOI (Monster of the Week) is a highly developed bat creature from the future and is ready to open a can of whup ass on anything that comes near it. Eeek! Primeval has a lot going for it and I’m glad it’s held its nerve in the ratings and will be back for more. Some retooling may have to happen, otherwise the limiting aspects of the format will start to become apparent. Let’s have a longer run with episodes that actually see the team exploring the other side of the anomalies as opposed to running around generic locations. I want to see a T-Rex stomping down Oxford Street, so can we make sure that happens, please? And no more Hannah Spearritt in her pants. It isn’t big and it isn’t clever.

The Dame Edna Treatment (Saturday 9.40pm, ITV1)

What with Eurovision and Dancing on Ice: the Final, the return of Dame Edna to our screens completes a triumvirate of camp entertainment for the evening. Welcome to Spa Edna, the veteran entertainer’s exclusive spa facility for A-list celebs. There’ll be a parade of top-flight guests visiting for some R&R, while Edna’s daughter, Valmai, and Sir Les Patterson will also be on hand. Everybody breathe. Edna’s back. It’s alright now. Everything’s fine.

Rough Diamond (Sunday 7pm, BBC1)

Sorry, sorry. I just can’t help myself!

Coronation Street (Sunday 7.30pm, ITV1)

A noteworthy trip down the cobbles as we see the arrival of a new family, the Mortons. They look like they could be good value, with Brookie legend Michael Starke (aka Sinbad) heading the clan as daddy Morton. It’s always touch and go and when a new family arrives in force in a soap – one duff bit of casting could destroy the entire brood’s fortunes in seconds, so TV Today will be watching with interest.

The 100 Greatest Stand-ups (Sunday 8pm, C4)

Just when you thought Channel 4 couldn’t possibly come up with any more opportunities for lengthy list programmes, along comes this little affair. It’s all utterly subjective and there’s some questionable material along the way. However, on display are some blistering talents and some of it’s a joy. And then there’s Bernard Manning. Oh well.

Mansfield Park (Sunday 9pm, ITV1)

The first real test of the much-talked about Billie Piper comes with this frothy adaptation of Jane Austen’s Mansfield Park (Ruby in the Smoke doesn’t count as it wasn’t such a big leap from TARDIS to Pullman). It’s a very zippy affair all told as Fanny Price (Piper) is sent to the titular Mansfield Park to board with rich relatives. She must adapt to life as the other half live it, and repress feelings she holds for her cousin. Perfect Sunday evening fodder to relax with.