April 2007 Archives

Taggart (Monday 9pm, ITV1)

This episode of Taggart gets onto the Square Eyes roster for the virtue that it’s actually a new episode, which is, on the whole, quite novel. It seems this most venerable of cop shows has been in repeat hell for the last five years, but it’s good to see Alex Norton, back from filming Pirates of the Caribbean. Here DCI Burke and the Taggart regulars investigate the death of an activist where the blame is very firmly placed on a property developer. Good, honest crime drama.

New Tricks (Monday 9pm, BBC1)

A frothy tale from the aged detectives who investigate the death of a cat-lover who appears to have been left as dinner for her feline charges. Was she murdered? Probably, and the suspects include her neighbour (a lovely guest-spot from the legendary Eric Sykes) and David Bamber’s camp cat- lover. Always a pleasure…

Rob Brydon’s Annually Retentive (Monday 10.30pm, BBC3)

It might be a poor man’s Larry Sanders, but that’s no bad thing, and this fake game show with Rob Brydon playing, erm… Rob Brydon, has a little bit more underneath than that very simple thumbnail description. It’s an acquired taste, as we have to buy into the backstage antics of the celebrities and accept that Brydon might be a nasty git, but I quite like the nonsense that is the panel quiz that successfully apes some of the nonsense panel games we are subjected to for real.

Heroes (Monday 10pm, Sci-Fi)

Oh look! It’s Doctor Who (the other one who didn’t stick around). Leather jacket not included.

CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (Tuesday 9pm, Five)

Grissom is back. And so is the beard. Now he looks like one of the orang-utans in Planet of the Apes. Boyd off of Waking the Dead must be confused now – beard or no beard for the new series?

Battlestar Galactica (Tuesday 9pm, Sky One)

Ooh, it’s season finale time, and this one is a belter. The trial of Gaius Baltar get underway, giving plenty of opportunity for the writers to show off their mastery of the rapier dialogue that has become a trademark of this great show. With it being BG and a season finale at that, expect a huge grenade to be thrown into the middle of the series to blow things apart and send everybody in a new direction for season four. Why hasn’t this made it to prime time BBC1? Or prime time anywhere for that matter? It’s just too damn good!

The Apprentice (Wednesday 9pm, BBC1)

The knives were well and truly out last week, and the ruthless hearts beating underneath the smiley face of The Apprentice are now showing themselves. This week, the teams are ordered to jump on a ferry to sell British food in a French market. The potential for cock ups of the highest order are rife here to make this one of the most entertaining episodes yet. It’s giving me warm fuzzies!

Who Killed Mrs De Ropp? (Wednesday 9pm, BBC4)

A cracking entry into the drama stakes of BBC4’s brilliant Edwardian season. Gemma Jones takes the title role in three adaptations of quirky, often macabre short stories by Edwardian writer Saki. As the domineering guardian of a group of children, Jones is rather marvellous (as you’d expect) as her young charges attempt to outfox and outwit her using their fertile imaginations. Also features Ben Daniels as Saki himself.

Hustle (Thursday 9pm, BBC1)

A fourth series for a solid BBC ratings winner sees the team of con artists minus Adrian Lester’s Mickey, pushing Marc Warren into point position. There’s also a change of scenery to compensate for Lester’s departure, and the gang head to the sunny climes of LA for some transatlantic grifting. As if the production values and great cast (although I could do without Jaime Murray) weren’t enough to keep most people satisfied, a top-drawer guest spot from Robert Wagner is the icing on the cake.

The Last Detective (Thursday 9pm, ITV1)

Peter Davison returns to one of his most satisfying roles of recent years, the plodding, dogged and thoroughly likeable DC “Dangerous” Davies. When an old-style gangster is murdered on his release from prison, Davies is on the case in his usual sedate manner. Did Jimmy the Gent’s vow to publish his memoirs bring him to this sorry state? Only Davies can find out. And as this is a Peter Davison drama series, it features a ubiquitous guest role for his daughter, Georgia.

Is it a coincidence, I wonder, that as ITV1’s Grease is the Word produces its first live show, here on BBC1 we are to see two wannabe Josephs depart — and, as trailed on the website well beforehand, all ten of tonight’s contestants in nothing but loincoths?

After a quick recap of last week (and hopefully the last shot of Johndeep sobbing), Andrew Lloyd Webber says that he was shocked by how unprepared the contestants were for the task he gave them on Wednesday. They’d better shape up, they’d better understand… oh, sorry, wrong show.

This week is all about showmanship and stage presence — not too different from last week’s ‘acting the song’, but then all aspects of being a good musical theatre artist are all closely related.

First up is Seamus, the 35-year-old who’s bored by all the references to his age. And then namechecks Shakin’ Stevens in a move that will have his younger fans scratching their heads saying, “Who?”. As with previous weeks, his performance of Start Me Up can’t really be faulted in the technical aspects of his vocal, but I do find it hard to warm to him either offstage or on. Bill says he’s starting to ‘get’ what Seamus is about, while Denise thinks there’s something special about him. Andrew, though, suggests that if he’s thirty-five and not yet a star, it does beg the question, “why?” Which is a fair question in one way, but then Any Dream Will Do is all about finding talent that conventional casting misses.

Next, Lewis, singing I Saw Her Standing There. In contrast to previous weeks, where the judges lamented that he wasn’t dancing as much as they know he could, this is a highly choreographed song — but what is wrong with his legs? Denise describes him as having knees that bend like a tarantula, which is quite true. Bill thinks he has great talent, and Andrew just tells him to remember the importance of the lyrics (there’s no ‘and’ before ‘you know what I mean’).

Rob copes well with a rendition of Pretty Woman, although I must admit that I’m tiring of his cheesy grins and winks to camera all the time. As I noted last week, there’s a very different style to performance on television compared to the stage. Right now, I think Rob is far more tuned in to the former; that may be related to his inexperience. John thinks that his confidence is clearly visible, although the raw talent might not be there; Zoe, meanwhile, wishes that the other finalists’ singing had progressed as quickly. Andrew commends him for being able to take notes.

But, oh, Antony! I know you were straddled with Patience, a typically saccharine Gary Barlow ballad, but you really let it get away from you, didn’t you? The tuning was all over the place once the falsetto elements started — up until then, it was shaping up to be a passable MT version of a horrible song. As John rightly said, he looks great, but the vocal was awful. Muted booing from the crowd, and you realise that there’s a consensus on that one. Andrew says that he worries whether Antony would be capable of eight shows a week. Again, fair comment — except that, thankfully, Gary Barlow doesn’t write musicals…

The next couple up, Chris and Ben, have both been saved by the Lord in the sing-offs. Chris is first up, and gives a vocal performance that does nothing for me. There’s very little spark in it — possibly because, as John points out, he’s been ill this week. However, the judges can’t agree on his performance, with Bill thinking he tried too hard, but John saying he didn’t give enough.

Ben’s performance of Life is a Rollercoaster is a complete contrast. Maybe the use of a mic stand helps by limiting his stage movement, but both physically and vocally he gives a restrained, polished performance. A completely superior performance to the last two weeks, as the judges acknowledge.

And now we have the professionals — and notice that, both in their intros and what they’re allowed to say about themselves, both Daniel and Lee are allowed to emphasise their experience, rather than the conceit of pretending they’re escaping from down-at-heel part time jobs. Daniel gets a better choice of song this week, The Lady is a Tramp. It’s fun and exuberant, which helps him elide over a few bars which could possibly have been a little closer to the original key. It’s one of those things that probably doesn’t pick up in the studio, though, as Denise, Bill and Andrew all loved it wholeheartedly.

Again Lee’s performance is a complete contrast — a slow, buttoned down and controlled version of I Don’t Want To Talk About It that is the performance of the evening, in my view. For the second week, he’s really able to act as he sings. I can’t help thinking that I’d like Daniel to be given the same opportunity and see if he can cope without his grin and raised eyebrows… Anyway, Lee also gets approvals across the board. My money’s still on Daniel — I think he fits the role of Joseph better — but I wouldn’t be surprised if the final is between these two.

Next up, Keith shows us how to Crocodile Rock. And to be honest, his movement is, um, a little odd. I don’t see a stage dancer, I see an X Factor contestant who can sing well but hopes to get by without too much choreography. That said, Denise’s comment — that they’re auditioning for Joseph, not Billy Elliott — is, again, fair.

Closing this part of the show, Craig gives a performance of Signed, Sealed, Delivered that starts off stilted and uncomfortable, and gradually loosens up. As a pop performance, it was generally okay, although it all felt a bit forced. Andrew notes that Craig still retains some of his cabaret mannerisms.

Just prior to the vote announcement, the judges predict who should be Joseph — the first time in the live runs they’ve been asked this. Zoe plumps for Keith, Bill for Lee, while both John and Denise choose Daniel.

Next comes the sing-off, and it’s Craig and Antony threatened with the chop. Singing Bryan Adams’ Everything I Do, Antony again struggles with tuning. But he does at least have a character to his voice, which by comparison makes Craig’s seem weedy and slightly nasal.

It’s a tough choice for Andrew Lloyd Webber, but ultimately he’s right to send Antony home. Our third farewell Close Every Door is another great calling card for our departing star — I’m sure this won’t be the last we see of Antony Hansen…

In the evening’s second live show, we’re treated to the sight of a 1980s Zoe Tyler, and a VT of a daytrip to meet the cast of We Will Rock You. Just before the lines close again, a group version of Queen’s One Vision is so-so, although Ben impresses me again.

And then we’re on to the loincloths. None of the boys look bad without their clothes — one or two look very good indeed, although I think I’d better keep my opinions to myself on that score. However, it’s noticeable that as they have to sing in front of Andrew, Denise and their mothers, Keith, Lewis, Seamus and Chris all mess up what are, admittedly, quite simple lyrics.

But it’s time for the meat of the show, as the second vote of the evening concludes. Seamus, Craig and Ben are the final three left standing, but it’s Craig who snatches the last guaranteed place. Boy, he must have got a lot of sympathy phone votes after his sing-off earlier.

And so it’s down to Ben and, with the lowest number of phone votes, Seamus. After Lloyd Webber stressing that he wants to see a great acting performance in the sing-off, Seamus does what he always does — a technically accomplished vocal with very little else to back it up. In contrast, Ben knocks it out of the park, with a performance that ticks all the right boxes.

So in the end, it’s no surprise that Ben is saved by Andrew Lloyd Webber. Except, maybe, to Seamus, who half-jokingly suggests a ‘conspiracy theory’, and then elects to leave an impression of utter arrogance on the memories of the viewing public by changing the words of his farewell song. “A show of my own?” Only if we changed the name of the show to “Any pipedream will do…”

Oh deary deary me - what a supreme balls up.

It’s only the first week of Grease is the Word’s live shows and already Joe Public has managed to boot off one of the strongest couples.

Poor David Ian - it seems it never crossed anybody’s mind that ITV viewers might prove more fallible in the hunt for theatre talent than their BBC counterparts, as the judges’ panicked scrabbling about at the end of the show seemed to indicate.

But wait, I’m getting ahead of myself. This week’s edition of Grease is the Word was the first time the couples (yes they’ve now been paired up) got to move out of the audition room and into the studio, in front of a live audience.

Firstly, I think it’s worth saying that the standard of performances has improved quite incredibly since the last show. While the quality is variable, there isn’t a single really duff couple amongst the contenders and you wouldn’t have said that after last week’s episode. That few weeks’ training in between the bootcamp and this first live show has clearly paid dividends.

Maybe the universally decent standard is why we ended up with such a strange result - still there were plenty of people who should have been exiting prior to Tom and Kate, or indeed their sing-off competitors Michelle and Bradley.

Here’s my run down of the couples, starting with the two pairs who were made to sing for survival:

Tom Bradley and Kate Somerset-How: Performed Blame it on the Boogie. Tom performed especially well. Kate also strong, with the exception of her dancing. Tom, a trained actor, is clearly a solid performer and Kate had potential. Only question mark for me was chemistry between the pair and maybe whether Tom looked the part. Still should definitely have been looking to get down to the final four or so, had they not been voted off.

Bradley Clarkson and Michelle Antrobus - Performed Boogie Wonderland. Good chemistry between the pair, work extremely well together. If not the best singers in the whole group, they are both solid and good dancers. One of the most polished performances and Michelle is probably the only Sandy to so far show that she can nail both the innocent and sexy sides to Sandy (knicker flash, anyone?). Their future will depend on whether Bradley can convince as Danny, Michelle, in my view, is the strongest Sandy of the bunch.

Danny Bayne and Susan McFadden - Performed Knock on Wood. I would say this pair have to be favourites to land the roles in the end. They certainly look the parts, although I think that their performance on this show was slightly underwhelming. Susan is vocally one of the strongest Sandy’s, while Danny B is a very strong dancer. Two big question marks for me - can Danny improve his singing and can Susan do sexy?

Anthony Kavanagh and Alison Crawford. Performed Don’t Leave me this Way. I really like this couple, although I’m not 100% sure why. Anthony’s voice is good, if a little nasal, and Alison somehow doesn’t seem quite right for Sandy. Still, they work well together on stage and the performance was fun and energetic. Anthony does need to work on the dancing though. I’d expect them to be in it for the long run.

Danny Rhodes and Lauren McConnell. Performed Wishing on a Star. Vocally they are streets ahead of everyone else - brilliant solo voices and perfect hamornies. Having said that, if it had been my choice they would have been the ones going home after this show. They are never, not in a million years, going to play Danny and Sandy in the West End. As good as they are at singing (and they are extremely good), neither of them has the sex appeal required for these specific parts, they both look too young and are awkward on stage. Sorry, but really. What were you thinking of voting for them?

Richard Morgan and Joanna Power. Performed Never Can Say Goodbye. If it had been judged purely on this evening’s performance, they should have been packing their bags. A real disappointment - I for one thought they might do better. Especially Richard, who has a natural charm and like-ability. Maybe that saved them. Whatever it was, it certainly wasn’t their dancing, which was poor. Think they will improve though.

Wayne Smith and Hayley Clarke. Performed Disco Inferno. For me, Wayne was by far the best Danny on tonight’s showing. A really excellent performance, especially the dancing. I’m not convinced by Hayley, but the pair did perform well together. However, one question. Why have we seen basically nothing of this pair before in any of the previous shows? It’s as if they have appeared from nowhere. One of the strongest couples.

Michael Quinn and Vicky Hoyles. Performed On the Radio. Very weak on the vocals - both of them. Dancing was good, but altogether a bit of a disappointment. I had expected to see them in the final two, singing for their supper, this week and I’d be surprised if they stuck around much longer. No real chemistry either. Good lifting, though.

Okay, so that’s my view on the couples. I’d be interested to know yours.

Also - a thought. Clearly, one of the principal features which makes this show interesting (and I do think it is turning into interesting TV) is the fact that the contestants live or die as couples.

However, this week has also clearly shown that this format has a weakness. Some potentially very strong performers - in this case Tom Bradley - has been voted off, perhaps in part due to the fact that his partner wasn’t quite as strong. Equally, I’m convinced that Michelle Antrobus wouldn’t have been in the sing-off had she been partnered with say Wayne Smith. Will this format turn out to be the show’s Achilles’ heel?

One of life’s great consistencies tells us that The Lord giveth, and The Lord taketh away, and never was that more true than in last night’s Doctor Who, which formed a hugely disappointing conclusion to what had started as a barnstorming Dalek two-parter.

Don’t get me wrong, it was as enjoyable as it always is, but some odd script choices and a unusually badly executed climax in the auditorium of a New York theatre left a somewhat empty feeling.

So, the now humanised Dalek Sec (and he works better than I thought he would after the end of last week’s episode), is planning to flood human brains with a hybrid of Dalek/human DNA, thus creating a new race of Daleks to take them forward - a return to the flesh, so to speak. So far, so Frankenstein, and the Doctor thinks this is a GOOD idea as it might stop the Daleks from being proto-Nazis who want to destroy the Universe. Problem being, Sec’s Dalek compatriots think this is a BAD idea, and double cross him, intending to just put the Dalek DNA into the mix. Oops!

EastEnders (Friday 8pm, BBC1)

It’s not often we get to big up an episode of EastEnders, but this is almost a classic piece of Walford wedding fun. We’ve been building up to the nuptials of Kevin and Denise all week, and the somewhat marvellous Shirley Wicks has been ticking away like a time bomb. Just when is she going to get round to telling Denise that Kevin recently bedded her? What’s the betting it’s about five minutes before the end of the episode? Come on ‘Enders, why can’t you be this good all the time?

American Idol (Friday 8.30pm, ITV2)

Aww, that’s nice. Cowell and co abandon the usual rounds of bitching and banter and let some stars take the stage in a special edition of the all-conquering American Idol to raise money for charity. It’s all done in the best possible taste, but don’t worry! The surviving six are still battling for survival in the midst of the charity love-in. With the way this show is going, expect it on prime time ITV anytime soon…

Peep Show (Friday 10.30pm, C4)

Best sit-com to grace our screens since the end of Black Books. Fact!

Doctor Who (Saturday 6.45pm, BBC1)

Well, obviously. Building on last week’s delicious beginning, this two-part Dalek-fest comes to a riotous conclusion. Dalek Sec has evolved into a half-human, half-Dalek hybrid to take the Dalek race forward, but I don’t fancy his chances of making it to the end of the episode. Daleks should always be Daleky, and as a new twist, it’s fine, but I predict that the pepperpotty evilness of the best monsters on TV will still be intact by the end of the episode. As usual, there’s lots of running around, and a lead actor who really has hit the top of his game in great style.

Any Dream Will Do/Grease is the Word (Saturday 7.30pm, BBC1/ITV1)

I tend to lose track of these shows, and Scott is a much better expert than I on the merits of both shows. Like a new teacher in class, I can never remember names and get confused on who is who. This week will see two potential Josephs get the boot and made to suffer the bizarrely wonderful rites of passage treatment at the hands of their compatriots. In centuries to come, historians are going to look back on scratchy recordings of these shows and wonder what the hell it was all about. As for Grease, apart from featuring some great songs, it’s worth it for David Gest who I just find fascinating to look out.

The Return of ‘Allo ‘Allo! (Saturday 9pm, BBC2)

Part documentary, part cast-reunion, this celebrates one of the great British sit-coms with fond nostalgia. While members of the original cast get to cavort on stage in new material written by Jeremy Lloyd (Rene is writing his memoirs back at Café Artois), there will be clips from the series and various interviews. It’s all very silly, of course, but that was the point, and as the repeats always show, the clever word play and running gags haven’t tarnished with age. A classic episode follows directly after at 10.45pm.

Victoria’s Empire (Sunday 8pm, BBC1)

Part Michael Palin-esque travelogue, part historical documentary, part quirky piece of loveliness, Victoria Wood takes yet another new career tack and sets off around the world to look at what used to pass for the British Empire. This has a really nice feel, and you couldn’t really hope for better company than Wood, who skips around Hong Kong and India with an enthusiastic breathlessness.

The Worst Journey in the World (Sunday 9pm, BBC4)

Mark Gatiss, rapidly transforming from League of Gentleman funster to all round character actor, scriptwriter and novelist, writes and stars in this dramatisation of a sidestep from Captain Scott’s expedition to the Antarctic. It mixes documentary with drama nicely, and Gatiss’s knowledgeable enthusiasm shines through the script as Apsley Cheery-Garrard sets off with a couple of compatriots to collect the eggs of the emperor penguins. A lovely addition to BBC 4’s Edwardian Season.

Kingdom (Sunday 9pm, ITV1)

Just because. It’s nice, and I like nice.

Inspector Morse Weekend (Saturday/Sunday ITV3)

A mammoth selection of Inspector Morse goodness to while away the weekend in sedate style. The weekend is made up of episodes of the vintage ITV classic, with interview snippets from Kevin Whateley as he reminisces about his work on the series. The marathon culminates in Morse at the Albert Hall on Sunday night at 8pm, being a sumptuous show introduced by Michael Parkinson and featuring the London Philharmonic Orchestra playing the music of Barrington Pheloung.

I have to come out in fierce support of the stance taken by BBC director of acquisitions George McGhee on the increasingly thorny subject of Neighbours. As it’s looking more likely that the Beeb will lose the soap it has shown since 1986, McGhee has told Broadcast:

“If a deal is not reached in the very, very near future, we will withdraw the money and move it elsewhere.”

with strong indications that their decision to move funds into other avenues could be made by the end of the week.

It’s been rumoured that the BBC had been willing to increase their fee for a single episode of the soap from £20,000 to £70,000, which is some £10,000 shy of the figure allegedly offered by ITV to snap up the Australian Channel Ten show. The sticking point for ITV moving forward on a deal are problems over Video on Demand rights, which could leave the door open for Five to step in and secure the rights.

Of course, should the BBC lose the rights to Neighbours, the press will pounce on the story, accusing Auntie of becoming increasingly weak in light of other recent rights losses such as the FA Cup. If anything, I believe this shows the BBC to be strong and displaying a responsible policy on how licence payers’ money should be spent. Fremantle become the bad guys in this case, heads turned by the size of Michael Grade’s chequebook (and let’s remember, that’s by no means bottomless).

Above all, if what we are hearing is true, I find it a very sad state of affairs. If Neighbours hadn’t found an audience in the UK, then it’s very likely that the cheap-as-chips soap would have been cancelled years ago. It has never rated particularly highly in its native land, regularly losing out to Home and Away. Thanks to an already more than generous cash injection from Auntie (I find it hard to believe that an episode of Neighbours actually costs more than 20 grand!), its life has been extended longer than it probably deserved.

If Neighbours goes elsewhere and fails to find a reasonable audience share (it has 40 percent of the viewing audience from the current lunchtime showing) Fremantle will be as good as killing a nice little cash cow through nothing more than somebody coming along and flashing a big wad of cash at them.

Headlines you thought you’d never read:

“Blue Peter sorry for goat slaughter”

Just what kind of show are they making these days? The last time I watched Blue Peter, Anthea Turner was making Tracy Island, which is bad enough, but now, after phone line scandals, they’re slaughtering goats! What on earth would Biddy Baxter have to say?

And while we’re on a roll, isn’t it about time the production team apologised for those disturbing sequences of defecating elephants back in the 60s? I’ve had a phobia of zoos ever since…

Just switch off your television set and go and do something less boring instead?

Well let’s face it, looking over the television news today, we may as well considering what’s going on up in those ivory towers and what experts are telling us about the effects of television.

We have premium phone line scandals, too much violence in soaps, racism on reality TV, too much television being bad for children and HolbyBlue starting in couple of weeks. I mean, what’s that about?

Surely it’s only a matter of time before somebody writes Is It Just Me or is Television S**t?! And on the basis of the current climate, they may have a point.

But…

It’s too easy to blame everything on television. Take last night’s Panorama. Aside from it being a badly made documentary at a technical level – just look at the bloody camera and speak, don’t wave the damn thing around and cut to about 20 different angles – it was just painfully out of line when it came to Blue Peter. Okay, if Opera is investigated and proved to have been defrauding GMTV and its viewers out of thousands, even millions of pounds, then fair enough. Nail ‘em! But to treat Blue Peter editor Richard Marson like some dreadful criminal for one single error made in the spur of the moment during a live TV show – probably not even made by him – was, quite frankly, shocking. Or perhaps Blue Peter was the fall guy to fulfil some public service remit to allow Panorama to go for the jugular on the likes of Richard and Judy and GMTV. Either way, it was still wrong.

And as for the assertion that TV should be rationed to children, we’ve heard it all before. In fact, we’ve written about it before, specifically in relation to previous warblings by Dr Aric Sigman who is back once again to bang on about it some more. I’d like to ask Dr Sigman how much television he watches, and have this image of him sitting eating a pot noodle, glued to the Hollyoaks omnibus. We can but hope – it would certainly make me feel better about my own viewing levels.

I actually think that some of what Dr Sigman says on this subject is quite sensible – no child should have a TV in their bedroom until they are the age where they can police their own viewing. But come on, Dr S, change the record, eh?

And then we have too much violence in soaps. Do we? I watched Emmerdale, EastEnders and Coronation Street last night and not one hint of violence raised its head.

An Emmerdale storyline surrounding a kidnapping and featuring a shooting brought 37 complaints to Ofcom that the sequences were too violent. This was against an audience of around 8.5 million. This works out at 0.000435 per cent of the total audience finding the scenes too violent. I’m not saying that portion of the audience’s opinions and concerns should be ignored, but it is worth putting things into perspective.

Finally, we have HolbyBlue. And on the basis of the preview disc that’s currently sitting in my DVD player, this has me bang to rights. Television is in an irrevocable state of terminal decline. After 50 minutes of this, I think I will switch off my television set and go and do something less boring instead.

Coming Soon – HolbyBlue: The First Look. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

DVD of the Week: The Catherine Tate Comic Relief Special

It’s topped the Amazon bestseller lists ever since it was available to pre-order after this year’s Red Nose Day, and features (ever so slightly longer versions of) the sketches she put together for the fundraising event.

Whether it’s Lauren berating her new teacher (David Tennant) or on work experience at Number 10 — with Tony Blair showing a flair for comedic fiction not seen since that dodgy dossier — this is Tate at her best.

Although it’s short, it only costs £5 and is for a good cause. Only available from Amazon.co.uk.

• View a video preview

Hustle - Series 3

There’s still time to catch up with Mickey Bricks and the rest of his long con gang, in the enjoyably silly third series of Hustle, before the new series starts next week (sadly devoid of Adrian Lester). This is the series which saw Mickey and Danny (Marc Warren) dropped off naked in the middle of Trafalgar Square, Richard Chamberlain guest starring as a fellow con merchant, and culminates with an audacious sky-diving burglary which, as ever, is more complex than might first appear…

This is fun, glossy drama of the highest order. And while the third series never quite matches some of the highs in the first two, you still finish each episode with a great big smile on your face.

• Also available: Hustle Series 1, 2 and 3 box set

Neverwhere

Conceptually, Neil Gaiman’s fantasy series bears many of the hallmarks of his groundbreaking work in both comics and prose fiction. Unfortunately, the production values of this BBC drama fell way short; in many ways it felt like a series from another age. Now, eleven years later, those same production values don’t seem quite as glaringly out of place. Although the bull with a blanket over it still doesn’t make for an effective monster…

Still, there are great performances from all concerned — including a very young Laura Fraser (Conviction, Casanova). With Paterson Joseph, Hywel Bennett, Clive Russell and Trevor Peacock all on top form, this series deserves a better deal than it gets here. This DVD isn’t released with any extras at all (note to DVD makers: ‘scene access’ is not a ‘feature’, it’s a necessity). Which is a shame, as Gaiman himself has said he’d have liked the opportunity to contribute:

I was sort of hoping that if the BBC ever released it then we could put extra footage back into it, fix a few things that still really bothered me, do a commentary track with some of the actors and the producer that was more than just me in a room eight years after I’d last seen it, sort of busking desperately…

That last comment relates to the commentary he did for the US Region 1 release — again, something not included.

Update: Neil Gaiman himself — thanks for linking to us, Neil! — says that the US release (which contains his ‘rather bemused’ commentary) is, despite Amazon’s protestations to the contrary, Region 0 encoded and should play in UK players.

Also released…

• Hogfather: Sky’s ambitious, and consequently slightly disappointing, Terry Pratchett adaptation. There is more to come, which hasn’t gone down well with Pratchetteers on the internet…

• Arrested Development - Season 3: As with all the greatest US comedies, this show suffered at the hands of UK schedulers, resulting in a lower profile than it deserved. This latest, and final, catalogue of horrors in the lives of the Bluth family features guest performances from Charlize Theron and Scott Baio.

• Playing The Field - Series 3 And 4: In its later years, Kay Mellor’s series about the loves and lives of a team of women football players wasn’t quite as sharp as it had been, but it remained head and shoulders above many similar styles of show.

An Awfully Big Adventure (Monday 7.10pm, BBC4)

Jenny Agutter looks into the life of The Railway Children writer E Nesbitt. Was the author as innocent as her childrens’ books would have us believe? A repeat of a TV adaptation of Nesbitt’s The Phoenix and the Carpet follows at 8.30pm, but sadly is a 90s version and the not the fondly remembered 70’s take on the novel.

The Real Mr Pooter (Monday 9pm, BBC4)

Ahead of tomorrow’s Andrew Davies adaptation of The Diary of a Nobody, this exhaustive documentary, forming part of the excellent Edwardian Season, explores how Charles Pooter, hero of the novel, is a template for some of our modern day comic icons. It also gives a thumbnail biography of the author George Grossmith and includes contributions from Davies, Peter Ackroyd and David Nobbs.

New Tricks (Monday 9pm, BBC1)

New Tricks – it’s like Waking the Dead meets Last of the Summer Wine (in a good way of course!). Tonight, Inspector Wexford himself, George Baker, guests stars in a tale that sees the aged team uncover an armoured security truck at the bottom of a lake. Does it link to a murder case, and how will the death of a witness effect the investigation?

Life Line (Tuesday 9pm, BBC1)

After last week’s Sea of Souls outing, here’s another two-part piece of spookiness from Auntie. It’s all very silly, as Peter (Ray Stevenson) has a brief reunion with an old flame (a very welcome appearance from Joanne Whalley), who then dies on him. This sends Peter’s life spiralling out of control, until somebody introduces him to the Life Line, a telephone service that… well, you can probably work that bit out for yourself. Sounds like something out of Rentaghost, to be honest. Concludes on Thursday.

The Diary of a Nobody (Tuesday 9pm, BBC4)

This is worth it for Hugh Bonneville’s sterling performance as Charles Pooter, because let’s face it, Andrew Davies could have knocked this adaptation out in an evening with a red pen and copy of the book. Bonneville is pitch perfect as Pooter, giving life to the character’s pained expression and view of life. It’s this turn that thankfully raises this above being merely a Radio 4 reading of the novel.

Sex on Trial: the Soapstar Story (Tuesday 10.30pm, C4)

Anybody with half an interest in television and soaps will want to tune in here to relive one of the biggest scandals to rock the foundations of Soapland. Sex scandals for soap actors these days are ten a penny, but when EastEnders actress Gillian Taylforth allegedly performed an act of oral pleasure on her fella at the time in a lay by, this was pretty saucy stuff. And so was the libel action brought against The Sun by Taylforth, that backfired on her spectacularly. Relive the case in all its gory details here.

Columbo (Wednesday 1.30pm, Five)

The kind of TV that makes you long to work from home. A double-bill of the best detective drama ever to grace the world’s airwaves. Oh, there’s just one more thing: make a cuppa, get some biccies out and take the phone off the hook.

Champions League Live (Wednesday 7pm, Sky Sports 1)

Come on Liverpool!! (Normal service will now resumed).

The Apprentice (Wednesday 9pm, BBC1)

It’s Wednesday, so what else are you going to be watching? As the teams enter the murky world of photographic art, the big revelation this week is that Tre isn’t descended from a fish. Well, thanks for that Tre. He’s rapidly becoming the entertaining heart beating The Apprentice to some increasingly high ratings, and is a cringe worthy joy to behold. Having said that, I’m missing Sophie and her theories about milk, but Tre more than makes up for her absence. Elsewhere, the time bomb that is Jadine continues to tick, leading everybody to wonder: just when is she going to explode?

EastEnders (Thursday 7.30pm, BBC1)

It’s an Albert Square wedding. Rejoice! At least something will happen for a change. And who’s putting money on Shirley telling all about her night of lust and passion (ew!) with Kevin before he gets Denise down the aisle? With those odds, it’s not worth my while…

The Human Footprint (Thursday 9pm, C4)

A quite ingenious documentary (sort of) that shows just what effect we have on our surrounding during an average lifetime. Did you know that, for example, you might eat 13, 345 eggs before you die? Food for thought. Ahem…

House/Shark (Thursday from 9pm, Five)

A coupling of fine American drama that makes Five just about worth tuning into. You know the drill with House, but things are a little different this week as the good doc seems to have found his match in the form of David Morse’s hard cop, Micheal Tritter, who has House banged up on drug charges. Gasp! Shark, on the other hand, is still an unknown quantity, although James Woods as a scenery-chewing lawyer with lots of one-liners isn’t a million miles away from House.

It’s bootcamp for our sixty potential Dannys and Sandys and there’s only one question which everyone is dying to have answered.

Just what is Sinitta wearing?

Well, maybe they’re quite interested in whether they are going to make it down to the final eight pairs, but frankly I want to know what those things in Sinitta’s hair are - chopsticks? Week by week her costumes get more and more outlandish.

One other question as well. Why are all the microphone’s distorting? It’s a little off-putting when you’re trying to work out whether the performers’ voices are up to the grade. Still, maybe that’s a good thing with David Ian telling us:

“The biggest worry for me is that the dancers can’t sing and the singers can’t dance.”

And he has a point. Some of the dancing is truly awful - especially with the boys. As the other David (Gest) observes:

“I’ve never seen worse dancers in my life. I’ve seen monks that dance better than these people.”

Unfortunately, he’s not specific as to where he saw the monks so the panel is going to have to make do with what is in front of them, and, as the chaff is slowly sifted out over the three-day boot camp, some talent starts to emerge.

The show’s “unique selling point” (or I’m sure that’s how it would have been pitched) also begins to reveal itself. The Dannys and Sandys are going to have to pair up, which of course can only mean one thing. Romance. Or so we’re led to believe.

Clearly, though, the judges believe that these should be arranged marriages, as after a pretty disastrous first showing when the contestants are allowed to chose their own partners, David Ian et al decide to play matchmakers, as they attempt to discover which potential Dannys and Sandys might have chemistry.

One thing we do know after the first stage of rejections is that we aren’t going to have a brother and sister playing Danny and Sandy (thank God - that would have been strange) , nor are we going to have a real life couple - unless something happens between now and the show. And, after the final round of selection, we also discover that (surprise surprise) we aren’t going to have a black Sandy. But, underdogs of the world unite, we may have a Danny with a stammer.

What else have we found out? Well, Brian McFadden’s sister Susan is beginning to reveal herself as a real contender. She has prior experience and it’s starting to show. Meanwhile, of the Dannys, Richard - the plasterer - impresses and Anthony, former pop star, Kavanagh also has to be in contention.

By the end of it, the judges of whittled things down to their final 16. Which, for those of you who weren’t taking notes, was:

Danny Bayne Age: 19 Job: Student Location: London

Tom Bradley Age: 19 Job: Actor Location: Leicester

Bradley Clarkson Age: 25 Location: Hertfordshire Job: Student

Anthony Kavanagh Age: 29 Job: Singer Location: Manchester

Richard Morgan Age: 20 Job: Plasterer Location: Rotherham

Michael Quinn Age: 24 Job: Actor / Singer Location: Lewisham

Danny Rhodes Age: 22 Job: Student and waiter Location: Southend-on-Sea

Wayne Smith Age: 26 Location: Preston Job: Cabaret Singer

Michelle Antrobus Age: 24 Location: Winchmore Hill Job: Student

Hayley Clarke Age: 18 Location: Liverpool Job: Student & Waitress

Alison Crawford Age:25 Job: Waitress Location: Liverpool

Vicky Hoyles Age: 22 Job: Beauty Therapist

Lauren McConnell Age: 16 Job: Student Location: Sussex

Susan McFadden Age: 24 Job: Performer Location: London

Joanna Power Age: 22 Job: Pub Singer Location: Essex

Kate Somerset-How Age: 23 Job: Gym receptionist Location: London

Next week, it’s the first round of live shows when the 16 will be placed into their final pairs and success or failure will ride not just on their own performances, but also those of their partners. It will be interesting to see whether this means that we lose some the better performers simply because they are partnered which someone weaker. Only time will tell.

On something of a side note, an observation. For those of you reading my blog last week, you might recall I was looking forward to finding out who David Ian was to describe as “so common”. Well, despite billing it at the end of last week’s episode, I’ve been left in the dark as it was obviously edited out of this week’s programme. Shame, but then again, I have an inkling…

Also, I’m still not convinced that the overall quality of the performers is as high as on the BBC rival Any Dream Will Do. However, to be fair, that show has a few weeks’ headstart on its ITV counterpart and maybe by next week’s live show some of the weaker contestants will have been knocked into shape.

I’m sure I’m not the only person watching both shows and I’d be interested to know what others think as to the relative standards of the performers.

With such a glorious title, how could this episode of Doctor Who not fail to hit all the right buttons, whether you’re die-hard fan or mainstream viewer? It had everything, from a well-realised setting, Daleks trundling through corridors, showgirls, fantastically cod Noo Yaark accents, a lead actor who is at the top of his game, and erm… Pig Men.

Regular readers of TV Today will know how much we love the Doctor round these parts, but Daleks in Manhattan pushed my fan-pleasing buttons in such a way that it felt like I was six years old again. As the Doctor and Martha begin to investigate the mystery of missing persons in the impoverished area of Hooverville in New York, 1930, writer Helen Raynor and director James Strong layer the atmosphere and suspense with a restraint that doesn’t take anything away from the pace. As this is a two-parter, they can afford to take their time, and draws attention to how the plots of the single episode stories can often lose out on satisfying resolutions due to cramming too much in. Not so here, and it’s all the better for it. For a change the audience has time to enjoy the surroundings as much as our heroes, from the decrepit Hooverville setting, the theatre, complete with a full song and dance routine, creepy, slimy sewer tunnels and the centrepiece, the unfinished Empire State Building…

And so let us return to the beginning of another live show. And I promise, that’s the last time I open with that excruciating pun, but I had to do it once — and now it’s out of my system I won’t be tempted to do it again. Unlike Graham Norton, Andrew Lloyd Webber and the joke about the red button — didn’t work last week, still doesn’t work this week. Any scenario where Norton is set up as the straight man is wrong on so many levels.

But on to the performances, and after the introductory group number we’re told that this week, the emphasis will be on acting. Only, this being a music show, the only acting the boys are going to be allowed to do is through their singing performance.

First up is Daniel, who I tipped last week as a potential winner — and oh dear. Since You’ve Been Gone is pretty much all shouting past the opening lines, and that doesn’t really work for Daniel’s voice. I swear he sounds flat much of the time. And his exuberant acting style (in which he Emotes with a capital E), which would work well on stage, just looks overblown in a TV environment where the cameras can get up close. However, the judges in the studio loved it. Craig’s rendition of I Want To Go Home shows how it’s relatively easier for the acting side of a song to come through when performing a ballad. The judges are split: Denise and John feel that he needs to do more, but Bill and Zoe are effusive.

Next up, Keith sings Who Am I?, and the performance side of the song really works. However, vocally John says his diction is terrible, while Zoe says he’s singing in his nose. Seamus, given possibly my favourite MT song ever in Sondheim’s Being Alive from Company, was always going to have trouble convincing me that his version was sufficient: he falls far short. While he’s hitting all the notes, and his phrasing is good, the performance side — the bit we’re supposed to be concentrating on this week — feels flat. And oh, Seamus! When the judges are talking, don’t keep up with the backchat. It rarely endears you to the audience and makes it all the harder for people to believe your talk about selective editing.

Fifth to perform is Ben, who was saved by ALW after being in the bottom two last week. He’s given All By Myself to perform, which as a song of extremes should enable him to show his acting chops. Unfortunately, it’s his voice that stands out, and for all the wrong reasons. As the judges pick up, it’s flat in a number of places and just doesn’t work.

Next up is Johndeep, and again we’re reminded that he’s an ‘Office Administrator’ whose parents have never heard him sing before. And here we get the ultimate irony of this competition — while Johndeep may work in an office, he’s also got his own entry in the Spotlight Actors’ Directory (as do ‘cement administrator’ Daniel and actor Lee). While ventures like this get criticism from the industry for favouring amateur performers over professionals, if those who have already had a small degree of success were more honest about it, maybe such criticism would die down a bit. Anyway, rant over, and on to the song — Something’s Coming from West Side Story. Oh dear. A complete misread of the song, which the judges pick up on. Meanwhile, Chris Barton wins them all over with a version of I’ll Be There, which Zoe reckons was smooth like chocolate, and Andrew says delivered both love and passion.

Eighth up is Rob, and for me his delivery of Piano Man is as much of a misread as Johndeep’s. No acting to speak of, just a lot of cheeky grins to camera. Most of the judges love it, but Andrew Lloyd Webber points out that the lyrics of the song are sung by two characters — and there was precious little of either, in my view. Then Antony, delivering Light My Fire with the same Jose Feliciano-style arrangement that served Will Young so well in the first series of Pop Idol. Vocally it’s a great performance and the studio audience are lapping it up, but as soon as he approaches either of the girl dancers, he looks lost — no firelighting going on there. Denise tries to make the same point, but manages to make his stiffness sound absolutely filthy. Bill says that he could be Joseph, as long he remembers to embrace the audience, and Andrew thinks he was terrific.

The final pair are up — Lewis copes well with Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word; he struggles a bit with the falsetto lines, but who wouldn’t? Generally positive comments from the judges, although Zoe has a few pointers vocally for him (like not breathing in the middle of words). Lee provides the final solo performance of the evening, and immediately proves how well his acting experience has paid off — a finely controlled performance of Bad Day which overcomes the difficulties of a horrible song to sing with passion and restraint. There couldn’t be a bigger contrast with his nearest professional rival, Daniel’s raucous opening number.

In the second show, there’s another group rendition: this time, of Pinball Wizard from Tommy. Antony and Keith impressed me the least here, but with lines closing shortly, will any of the actors’ performances here matter to the final vote?

After a brief detour to McFly territory (the least said about which the better), the judges predict who should go this week. Zoe and Denise both predict Ben, while both Bill and John suggest Johndeep should go. As the results come in, it’s Chris and Johndeep in the sing-off — a duet of Let It Be. And while Chris may have scored the lowest phone votes, he walks the song. By contrast, Johndeep is nervous, occasionally off-key and seems to be singing some of Chris’ solo parts at times.

When it comes to the decision, Andrew says he has to bear in mind who could really be Joseph, but has a difficult choice, because he believes both should be staying. In the end, Johndeep is sent home; unlike Chris C last week, he struggles with his final Close Every Door. Never mind, Johndeep: according to your Spotlight CV, you have a solo song on a gospel album coming out later this month, so not every door is closing…

Have I Got News For You (Friday 9pm, BBC1)

TV Today hero Adrian Chiles takes the presenters chair to marshal Messrs Hislop and Merton through their satirical paces, along with guests Mark Steel and Daisy McAndrew.

Ugly Betty (Friday 9pm, C4)

Last week’s arrival of deceased Meade brother Alex in the form of blonde bombshell Alexis has given this always entertaining series a much-needed lift. It feels like things are actually moving the plot forward after weeks of playful teasing and that a satisfying finale is just over the horizon. Tonight, Wilhelmina attempts to take control of Mode, but can Betty and Alex stop her power-hungry plotting?

Peep Show (Friday 10.30pm, C4)

After last week’s sublime opener (“Suck mummy’s finger. Do I suck mummy’s finger?”) the fourth series of the magnificently wonderful Peep Show continues. How do you describe this show and do it any kind of justice? You can’t. It just works. Inexplicably, owing a debt to the likes of Seinfeld in its exploration of obsession over trivialities and mundane situations that are often made extraordinary by the presence of Jez and Mark. It just gets better and better and deserves a friendlier timeslot and bigger audience.

Doctor Who (Saturday 6.35pm, BBC1)

An earlier start for the Doctor, which seems to have the fans up in arms on the grounds that the ratings will obviously take a tumble and that British television’s highest-rated, non-soap drama will be one step closer to cancellation. But with a 1930s New York setting, Daleks hatching an evil plot from the top of the Empire State Building and pig slaves stalking the sewers, what on earth are you all worried about? Guest-starring Holby’s Hugh Quarshie and Spooks’ Miranda Raison.

Born Survivor: Bear Grylls (Saturday 7pm, C4)

In the absence of Harry Hill, we’ll actually have to tune into this sublimely bonkers show under our own steam to see what madness Bear is up to. According to the Radio Times, he heads off to Mexico’s Copper Canyon where he “catches fish by constructing a dam and stunning them with a stick”. Oh Harry, where are you?

Any Dream Will Do/Grease is the Word (Saturday 7.25pm, BBC1/ITV1)

Doctor Who’s earlier slot (it’s doomed, doomed!) allows the battle of the talent search to commence as Any Dream Will Do and Grease is the Word go head-to-head for the first time. Grease has been lagging behind in the ratings somewhat, but this could even things up, although with Grease running until 9pm, it’s a hell of a slog to go the distance. For my money, the BBC show has the edge, seeming to out a premium on talent, Graham Norton is a far better host than Zoe Ball, and Any Dream Will Do doesn’t have David Gest. Bonus.

Kingdom (Sunday 9pm, ITV1)

We had a First Look at this charming new ITV1 drama earlier this week. Stephen Fry makes welcome return to TV drama as the unassuming Norfolk lawyer Peter Kingdom. Looks lovely, has a great cast, with Celia Imrie, Hermione Norris, Tony Slattery and Karl Davies on support duty, and might just give you a dopey grin to go back to work with. Nice.

Shopping for England (Sunday 9pm, BBC4)

According to this documentary that continues the excellent Edwardian season, shopping use to be a bit of a pain in the backside until the arrival of Woolworth and Selfridges from across the Atlantic. I’m not sure whether to thank them or boycott them. Here, we discover just how our Edwardian forebears went about the irksome process of the weekly shop.

Channel 4 seems to have been pulling out the drama stops recently, with single films Wedding Belles and The Mark of Cain both receiving much acclaim. Last night was the turn of Secret Life, a drama by writer/director Rowan Joffe and starring Matthew Macfadyen as a convicted paedophile, newly released and trying not to reoffend.

The controversial subject matter was bound to provoke reactions, and so it did. Continue reading for links to bloggers’ reviews, as well as some of the national TV critics.

Beware: if you haven’t seen it yet, some of the reviews will reveal major plot points when you click through to them, especially about the ending. Expect it to show up on More4 soon, and it should be available on 4OD free for a week.

Michael Grade, with this £30 million quid contract for Ant and Dec, you are spoiling us! Or are you? After the recent scooping of the FA Cup from under the noses of the BBC, Grade has got the chequebook out again and stumped up a reported £30 million for the cheeky Geordie duo to stay tied to ITV for the next two and a half years.

Um…

Is this wise, one has to ask? I’m well aware of the attraction of Ant and Dec. They are personable, inoffensive and have an appealing, everyman quality, but are they really worth this much folding stuff? At a time when ITV should be consolidating and being a bit more circumspect, this seems a bit rash.

The main question on my mind is just what are the pair going to bring to the table that’s startlingly new? Yes, they front one of the channel’s most bankable shows, I’m a Celebrity…, but that star is surely on the wane as the show enters its 7th season. Ratings were still a healthy 7.5 million or thereabouts for last year’s run, but that’s down on previous highs for this ITV big hitter. Will the ratings look quite so shiny in relation to the boys’ salary come the next run? We’ll see.

Similarly, Saturday Night Takeaway is looking a little tired and needs its format perking up if it’s going to carry on (and whether Ant and Dec actually want to do more). That being said, it’s always been a fun, feisty piece of light entertainment fluff that has broad appeal, and that’s certainly not a bad thing.

The premium advertising rates that can be charged across these two shows alone will probably have the accountants smiling favourably on this deal, but surely, neither can last forever at the levels they have reached in the past.

And what of the boys themselves? They’re certainly not bullet proof. Poker Face has hardly set the television world alight, and The All Star Cup isn’t exactly an innovative idea. “Let’s get some celebrities together to play some golf!” Brilliant!

And then we have the lads’ recent trip across the Atlantic to record a pilot for a show – how will this kind of activity fit in with their new contract?

When it comes down to it, is anybody really worth that much money? The BBC endures flak whenever it pays a couple of million for a new contract, but eyelids are barely batted when ITV plays the same game. Yes, the BBC needs to be careful with the money it pays (and Jonathan Ross really isn’t worth £18 million), but is anybody worth £15 million each.

ITV does not have unlimited cash and these kind of high profile payouts could send out the wrong message to both audience, advertisers and the industry at