July 2007 Archives

My, but doesn’t time fly? It was just over a year ago that TV Today brought you the news that Emu would be returning to children’s television, under the watchful arm of Toby Hull, son of the late Rod Hull.

And it was with some trepidation that this morning at TV Today towers, we received the official press release for the series along with a dinky little promo reel. And you know what, it doesn’t look half bad… Trepidation, be gone!

The set-up is simple – Emu and his best friend Toby move into a supposedly pet free tower block, where all sorts of madcap fun can ensue. Of course, with the block management not being well-disposed towards large blue birds, Emu is always under threat from hapless security guard Ken Cole, who’s forever trying to catch the “eponymous puppet with a penchant for pecking”. Thankfully, next door neighbours Charlie and Dani are on hand to give Toby and the blue bird a helping hand.

Okay, it isn’t exactly War and Peace, but as a kid’s show aimed at 6-11 year-olds, it’s about on the money. Toby Hull is as genial a sidekick as you’d hope to see, playing the straight man well, but also clearly accomplished at the slapstick necessary for this kind of show to work. From the promo reel, he’s quite happy looking like a prat at the wings of Emu for the greater comedy good, much like Mathew Corbett did with Sooty, and course, just like Toby’s late great father.

But the odd thing about the promo is seeing “that bloody bird” to quote Michael Parkinson, moving independently of Toby. There are a couple of occasions when he’s being held in the traditional manner by Toby, complete with false arm, but otherwise he’s quite capable of moving around on his own. He can even pick things up with a wing to pass objects to Toby – high tech or what? What’s even more startling are the little snickers and squeaks that come from the bird – one of Emu’s original charms was that silent, cheeky poker face he had. But as a sop to modern television production, I’ll let that one go.

But the press release is a bit odd and is written in a very confusing manner, especially:

“This is essentially ‘Emu the early years’ with a flapping fresh, young and brilliant blue Emu taking centre stage. Join everyone’s favourite feathered friend, on his adventures! Close calls with beady eyed security guards and scheming, money grabbing neighbours, Emu stays unflappable with sidekick and best friend Toby, who will be assuming the role of a young, unforgettable, Rod Hull.”

From this, you’d be forgiven for thinking that this was a Casino Royale version of Emu, Emu Begins, which mis-sells the series somewhat. It implies that Toby Hull is playing his father, when it’s clear from the promo he isn’t. I think the press release wanted to pay tribute to Rod Hull (and quite right), but methinks another couple of drafts would have helped.

But that’s by the by. After some initial scepticism here at TV Today, it’s entirely possible that we might just be looking forward to this. Any kids show that has Emu sitting in a bath eating popadoms and wearing a shower cap has got to have something going for it… Now if we can just have a return for Dr Emu and the Deadly Dustbins, I’ll be a happy, um… birdy.

Watch out for Emu, coming soon to CITV

Bit of a facetious title, really — but the Society of London Theatre recently invited me to take part in a discussion about Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat for the first of their new podcast series, The Cast.

The first part of the podcast is a discussion about Lee Mead, the casting by television process and the show itself. See if you can spot my deliberate (okay, frankly rather silly) mistake about the new addition to the production…

To listen you can download the MP3 directly. If you want to subscribe, and receive future editions of the fortnightly podcast as they’re published, things get a little more complex. The feed URL is http://www.officiallondontheatre.co.uk/site/mp3/2006/pod/feed.xml, and you’ll need to copy and paste that into whatever podcast subscription application you use. For example, if you use iTunes, you should go to the Advanced menu, select Subscribe to Podcast… and then paste the feed URL into the box.

Update: The Cast is now showing up in the iTunes directory, so you can subscribe to it from the podcast’s iTunes page easily.

After last week’s selection process, this week’s DanceX got down to the nitty-gritty of slimming down the hopefuls. From now on, public votes will decide which troupe, managed by either Arlene Phillips or Bruno Tonioli, is the more popular — and the losing team must drop a member.

Each week’s show is to have a different theme, with Saturday being dedicated to Latin style. After the initial opening number showcasing all fourteen contestants, it was Team Arlene’s job to show what they could do. And, despite a few rough edges, they showed that they were already gelling as a good team. I must admit I don’t share Arlene’s enthusiasm for Emanuel, who has been built up as a ‘leading man’ around which the rest of the troupe revolves. Together, he and Daniel are clearly being built up as the principal dancers, the latter’s street style being showcased by Ashley Wallen’s tightly choreographed routine. The use of seven chair props gave the opportunity of what Bruno termed a “diva moment”, which didn’t quite come off. I do feel sorry for Kalvin, who (based on my limited knowledge) comes across as one of the strongest dancers technically, but who is overshadowed by the showmanship of his two male teammates.

In contrast, Team Bruno’s choreographer, Derek Hough, devised a slower, more sensual piece that suffered because of the odd numbers of dancers, poor Marcquelle having to accompany both Marie and Becky (making all three’s choreography suffer as a result) . But everybody seemed to be having problems with it, with a sense of hesitancy hanging over all seven dancers. Maybe it’s just that being ill at ease with a routine is harder to cover up in a slower dance setting, but even if all the dancers had been on top form I’m not sure that I would have found Team Bruno’s routine as interesting as their competitors’.

On to the songs, and a rendition of Balamores by Team Arlene kicked off with a horrible sound emanating from Emanuel. CeCe Sammy picked up quite correctly that he started badly, noting also that he fared better as soon as Kalvin and Daniel were able to join in. Conversely, Claire’s lead vocal of La Isla Bonita for Team Bruno was nearly scuppered by one of her male teammates on their first line of backing, which was horrendous. Both teams recovered well, though.

Come the final performances, and Bruno’s team began to pull something back in the dancing. Whatever issues Phoenix and Daniele may have off-camera (and there are clearly some, despite their public protestations on stage), they complement each other quite nicely. Too nicely, perhaps — are they each vying for a spot as the team’s sole alpha male?

As it is, the phone vote went in Team Arlene’s favour, so it was up to Bruno to throw out a team member. Daniele was visibly shaken to be left in the bottom two, but as soon as the phone result was called I think it was fairly obvious that he would lose (a) a girl (leaving three girls to three boys), and (b) Becky, as the other girls each stand out more. Somehow, I suspect Bruno’s mind was made up before the rather ineffectual dance-off.

So, Arlene keeps hold of her team of seven and Bruno must rally his reduced troupe for next week’s programme. Latest reports indicate that DanceX is not doing too well in the ratings, producing a lower than average share for BBC1 in its Saturday slot. I think it’s a shame, as the programme is producing some good old-fashioned light entertainment.

Don’t forget that CeCe Sammy, Bruno’s vocal coach, continues her regular column only in The Stage print edition, on sale every Thursday.

• Previously: Week 2 / Week 1

India with Sanjeev Bhaskar (Monday 9pm, BBC2)

The season of programmes to mark the independence of India and Pakistan continues with this likeable documentary in the company of The Kumars at No 42 star Sanjeev Bhaskar. It’s fascinating and incredibly watchable as he explores Mumbai and witnesses the economic changes sweeping across India, through entertainment and business. It feels a little light in places, but Bhaskar is a genial guide who is investing personally in the subject matter, and there’s a promise of weightier matters to come in the next instalment.

Rosemary and Thyme (Monday 9pm, ITV1)

I’m not the biggest fan of Rosemary and Thyme, but this is a rare new episode for the now defunct twee gardening detectives (Felicity Kendal and Pam Ferris). It’s clear ITV is clearing out some of the old dinosaurs sitting in the archive waiting for an airing. Enjoyable if you like Horlicks.

Diana: Last Days of a Princess (Monday 9pm, Five)

An interesting docudrama that, like most programmes about the death of Diana, Princess of Wales, can never be truly successful as there’s so much we’ll never know. Bodies bad guy Patrick Baladi stars as Dodi Al Fayed, but it’s Genevieve O’Reilly who worked so hard in Time of Your Life’s central role, that gets all the attention here as Diana. Her performance is quite startling, and one hope we might have a new drama star in the making. The drama is counter pointed by interviews with Mohamed Al Fayed and others who were close to the last days of the Princess.

Holby City (Tueday 8pm, BBC1)

You know how much I love Holby, and it remains just as good as ever at the moment. But what’s with the swishy filmic look they’ve been using for the last couple of weeks? I like it, but everything looks so dark, you could be forgiven for thinking that Elliot’s office has been swapped with that of Gil Grissom. Tonight, Abra is clearing his desk, and Ric is under increasing pressure as his fiancee’s incompetence grows by the day.

Sensitive Skin (Tuesday 10pm, BBC2)

A final episode for Hugo Blick’s minor comedy drama masterpiece. I weep to think of how many people have missed this delightful piece of television. Beautifully made, written and acted (Joanna Lumley shines like she hasn’t for years), please tune in to say goodbye to Davina. It’s well worth it.

You Can’t Fire Me, I’m Famous (Tuesday 10.35pm, BBC1)

Piers Morgan turns his attentions to Jade Goody and her controversial turn on Celebrity Big Brother and how the show that made her broke her just as quickly. It’s an odd one, this. Last week we had Louis Walsh, who was shocked to be hung out to dry by Simon Cowell as a judge on The X Factor (unless it was just a publicity stunt for the series). He was genuinely sacked. Jade was just stupid, and I hate the thought of Piers Morgan aiding and abetting such a talent desert from gaining any audience sympathy. Jade, it’s over. Deal with it.

Coronation Street (Wednesday 7.30pm, ITV1)

Did somebody replace Coronation Street with Are You Being Served the movie? Steve and Eileen arrive on their ill-advised holiday in Malta, and you know, I could swear that holiday rep was played by 70’s “icon” Robin Askwith. Oh. It is Robin Askwith. Sublime or ridiculous? You decide…

Heroes (Wednesday 9pm, BBC2)

If you haven’t already been convinced to sign on for the long haul with Heroes, just wait until the cliff-hanger of episode 3. Your gob will be well and truly smacked. The show really hits its stride with this episode. There’s enough mystery for me to want to keep coming back, but enough is explained to not to feel cheated in a Lost kind of way. Favourite character so far? Hiro of course!

Ian Rankin’s Hidden Edinburgh (Wednesday 9pm, BBC4)

My favourite crime writer on his favourite city. Bliss. Even if you’re not a fan of the Inspector Rebus novels, Rankin’s down at heel charm brings the city of Edinburgh alive as he peels aside the façade to reveal a darkness hiding just beneath the streets of the city. Many of the locations will be familiar to the readers of Rankin’s deservedly best-selling crime series, which adds a winning dimension if you’re in the know.

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (Thursday 10pm, More4)

If Amanda Peet’s Jordan would just stop smiling in that irritatingly enigmatic way, then Studio 60 would be a real winner. As it is, I want to throw something at the screen whenever she’s on it. Thankfully, Matthew Perry and Bradley Whitford more than make up for any weaknesses in this great show. It’s make or break time as Matt and Danny have to face the reality of their first episode of the troubled sketch show – will they run the controversial sketch that caused all the problems in the first place?

Drop Dead Gorgeous (Thursday 10.35pm, BBC1)

We bigged up Carmel Morgan’s superb drama series on its first run on BBC3, and finally it gets punted up to BBC1. When 15 year-old Ashley Webb is given the chance to make it as a model, it rips her family apart as they enter a whole new world of ambition and jealousy. It’s brilliantly written by Morgan, and the cast play it brilliantly. Kathryn Hunt, last seen as Corrie’s Angela Harris, is note-perfect as mum Pauline, her eyes opened to the possibilities that Ashley’s new fortune could bring her (and the family, of course). This deserves a better slot than 10.35pm and could have easily swapped places with the dour True Dare Kiss at 9. Highly recommended.

Radio Choice: Will Smith’s The Tao of Bergerac (Wednesday 6.30pm, Radio4)

Comic Will Smith expounds on his obsession with creaky 1980s detective show Bergerac, an obsession raised to dangerous levels by his discovery of an audio book featuring John Nettles reading the text of the ancient Tao. Any radio show with a hook like that has got to be worth a listen.

Well, the BBC is going all out with its support for Heroes, isn’t it? In addition to Heroes Unmasked ( the behind-the-scenes programme which debuted after episodes 1 and 2 of the main series on Wednesday, and continues on BBC3 in future weeks) we now have Heroes: The Official Radio Show.

Airing on digital station BBC7 today, Saturday, at 6.30pm (repeated at half past midnight), the 15-minute weekly programme promises to “pick apart the latest episode of Heroes and look at the latest happenings [and] listen to your theories”. Which could be fun, even though the internet is bursting with spoilerific information about the whole of Series 1, which has been and gone both in the US and, thanks to the Sci-Fi Channel, portions of the UK too.

Still, anything which helps people get involved with their drama is a good thing. If you miss the show on BBC7, it will be available as an MP3 download via the BBC2 website — and I’ll guess that it’ll be scheduled as a podcast as well.

UPDATE: I was right about the podcast — links to subscribe can be found at http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/podcasts/heroes/.

‘Turn off the TV’ is a semi-regular feature highlighting TV-related activity on radio and elsewhere. If you spot something for us to look at, email us at tvtoday@thestage.co.uk.

Little Britain Down Under (Friday 9pm, BBC1)

This nice little documentary follows Matt Lucas and David Walliams as they take their menagerie of comic creations on tour Down Under. Along the way, they record a cameo in Neighbours and draft in Kath and Kim’s Gina Riley and Jane Turner to craft the show into something Aussie friendly. I’m assuming that doesn’t go as far as changing the catchphrase to: “I’m a Sheila!”

Star Stories (Friday 9.30pm, C4)

The British Comedy Award-winning series returns with the story of Take That from the group’s early beginnings to the comeback story of the decade. It’s all very derivative of what Walliams and Lucas were doing years ago, but good fun nonetheless.

The Friday Night Project (Friday 10.30pm, C4)

Shy and reclusive actor John Barrowman is this week’s guest host, alongside Alan Carr and Justin Lee Collins.

The Day of the Triffids (Saturday 7pm, BBC4)

The first three episodes of the BBC’s classic adaptation of John Wyndham’s creepy sci-fi thriller. Even though back then the triffids managed to look a bit plasticy and rubbish, the conviction behind this brilliant piece of TV drama still makes them scary as hell.

Jekyll (Saturday 9.05pm, BBC1)

It’s been a labyrinthine journey to get to this final episode. There have been flashes of brilliance, as you’d expect from the pen of Steven Moffat, one of our best writers. Sadly the cleverness has been let down by some ham-fisted direction and acting and the overall concept being a bit too out there and difficult to categorise. This final episode is no exception, veering wildly all over the place but having something brilliant hiding just under the surface.

British Film Forever (Saturday 9.05pm, BBC2)

It’s fair to warn you that the plots to some of the British film industry’s greatest thrillers are mercilessly spoiled in this opening salvo of BBC2’s Summer of British Film season, so beware. That aside, there’s some good stuff in here, boding well for the rest of this seven-part documentary series. Films under discussion include Get Carter, The Ipcress File, The Long Good Friday and The Third Man. Earlier at 6.05pm on BBC2, you can catch a celebration of classic British film music courtesy of the BBC Proms, and tomorrow night at 9pm, also on Beeb 2, the best Bond film ever, From Russia With Love, is given an airing.

Law and Order: Special Victims Unit (Saturday 10.10pm, Five)

A new series of the Law and Order variant, and it manages to be just as good as ever.

The Great British Village Show (Sunday 6.35pm, BBC1)

All good things come to an end, and so it is that The Great British Village Show ends up at the grand final at Highgrove and the royal presence of Prince Charles and his good lady wife. It’s been a comforting journey, with Alan Titchmarsh and James Martin making genial hosts (and clearly they’re very popular with the ladies), and the battle of the giant vegetables and Victoria sandwich cakes has been utterly compelling (look, I don’t get out much, okay?). Hopefully we’ll see this nice little show back next year, unless it’s revealed somebody used steroids in growing a tomato and it’ll be a victim of the current vogue for deception in TV.

Mountain (Sunday 9pm, BBC1)

Griff Rhys Jones climbing up Britain’s mountains for five weeks. Ho hum. It’ll look lovely, so that’s something.

The South Bank Show (10.45pm, ITV1)

Very few people earn the distinction of being a national treasure, but June Whitfield definitely qualifies – so much so, she gets a South Bank Show devoted to her. Self-deprecating and modest, she talks through her 50-year long performing career, along with contributions from co-stars and writers who have worked with Whitfield over the years. Forget Ab Fab, I’m, here for the Terry and June clips!

A story that slipped in under the TV Today radar in the midst of all the TV deception hoo-ha was actress Elizabeth Dawn announcing her retirement from Coronation Street at the end of the year. Yes, come December, the legendary Vera Duckworth will say goodbye to the famous cobbles, leaving behind a legacy stretching all the way back to 1974.

Vera Duckworth comes from that grand tradition of tough, brassy soap women, cut from the same cloth as the great Ena Sharples and Elsie Tanner (if that’s not too bold a statement). Dawn arrived in 1974 as little more than extra working in Mike Baldwin’s factory, but little by little, her role was expanded. In 1979, Vera gained a husband, Jack, and then, in 1983, the Duckworths were entered into the higher echelons of the Corrie roster when they moved into the Street.

The partnership of Liz Dawn and Bill Tarmey has been one of those enduring soap partnerships that will be difficult to forget, natural successors to Stan and Hilda Ogden’s place in the nation’s affections. They are larger than life characters inhabiting the fabric of a soap yet feeling utterly real at the same time.

Dawn, who was diagnosed with emphysema three years ago, is retiring for health reasons, but it is likely the character of Vera will make occasional guest appearances following the actress’s departure. However, it is expected that Bill Tarmey wall continue in the role of Jack for the foreseeable future.

But from September, there will be a Vera Duckworth shaped hole in the fabric of the Street that will be difficult to fill.

With Liz Dawn’s departure, let’s not forget that strong women are the lifeblood of the soaps. Whether it’s an Annie Walker, a Kat Slater or a Kim Tate, it’s the women who are remembered more than the fellas in the years following their leaving scene. It will be 20 years this Christmas since Hilda Ogden left Coronation Street, and still she’s spoken off in hushed, awe-struck tones. Charlie Stubbs? Who’s he?

And now we have the latest arrivals in Albert Square in the form of the bolshy blonde Mitchell sisters, Ronnie and Roxy. And you know what, on first appearances, they ain’t half bad. They’re in the same tradition of strong soap women that ‘Enders seems to have been lacking since the exit of Kat Moon (nee Slater). Rita Simons as Roxy seems born to the Walford way (well, she does live across the road from the EastEnders studios), and Samantha Janus brings a calm but firm presence to the table as Ronnie.

This pair can only mean good things in general for EastEnders. Characters like Carly and Chelsea are just a bit too nondescript and vague to be truly memorable. Within an episode, Roxy and Ronnie look right at home. Hopefully they’ll provide the likes of Pat and Shirley with more robust sparring partners than they’ve been used to in recent years.

What, with a couple of healthy ratings victories in the soap league table since last Friday’s climactic Phil/Stella wedding drama, and the introduction of a couple of new characters with some fire about them, is this a sign of a leaner, fitter EastEnders punching at its old weight again?

Let’s hope so!

With its characters now well and truly established, last night’s episode of Cape Wrath really allowed the tension to flow to the maximum.

With Danny Brogan being detained by local bobby Wintersgill following the disappearance of handyman Jack, things were never bound to be pleasant. After all, that Wintersgill doesn’t seem to be the fairest of cops, and he seemed to take great pleasure from beating Danny into securing a confession. Of course, what Wintersgill hadn’t been counting on was the Danny knowing a secret code word (“windsong”) to some dark place in Wintersgill’s mind. Whenever Danny whispered it, it seemed to send the policeman into a bit of a frenzy and allowed the producers to flash up some images of a crazy old woman in a wood.

It seems fairly obvious at this juncture that none of the characters in Meadowlands are straightforward. Meanwhile, while Danny battles with Wintersgill and a noose around his neck, his wife Evelyn has still not taken the hint about the town’s creepy doctor and learnt some shocking truth about why she should give up trying to have any more children and more importantly, why Danny can’t be the father of Mark and Zoe. According to Doctor York, Danny is infertile - and always has been. Things aren’t really going well for her. A town she doesn’t want to be in, creepy neighbours, a husband whose past is as murky as the water in the village pond and Aveline from Bread - or Brenda Ogilvie as she is known in this series - trying it on with her son.

Which, it has to be said, was probably one of the creepiest things about tonight’s episode. Seeing her bed Mark Brogan was quite unsettling and not for the faint hearted. But if once wasn’t enough, he went and begged for some more of her loving. Must be desperate. Still, all was forgiven when it emerged that he had removed Jack’s body from the garden prior to Wintersgill searching it. How he managed with all that hair in front of his eyes, we’ll never know. But it meant that when the community gathered to celebrate the town’s third birthday, Wintersgill was forced to admit Danny was an innocent man. For now, at least. No doubt some spanner will soon be thrown into the works which will throw everything back up in the air.

All in all though, episode 3 provided some nail biting tension and was probably the best episode yet. Fine performances all round from the cast, particularly Lucy Cohu as Evelyn and David Morrissey as Danny. There were some witty moments too, particularly with Wintersgill’s nod to Little Britain when he quoted the catchphrase “Computer says no”. Bring on episode 4.

Just read this and try to tell me that the whole world of broadcasting hasn’t gone totally and utterly bonkers.

Is there anything else that can be said on this subject that can inject a note of reason into proceedings? What a revelation, Bear Grylls stopped in a hotel while filming Born Survivor. So what?

Would it be going too far to suggest this is the TV equivalent of the McCarthy witch hunts of 1950s America? In this case, there are no reds under the beds of TV executives, just premium phoneline scandals and Bear Grylls who didn’t want to stump up the cash for his hotel room.

The TV industry needs to stop this madness right now, or it will go into meltdown when an investigation reveals Coronation Street isn’t a fly on the wall documentary series about northern folk.

Just stop it, okay? Please…

In the wake of last week’s very serious and earth shattering revelations about a sustained battery of deception from the BBC (translation: not really), yet more lies and untruths have been unearthed going back decades into the history of the corporation. TV Today has launched a probing investigation to bring you the truth behind the lies. Readers of a nervous disposition might want to go and watch Loose Women instead…

Crackerjack

Declarations by the final host of the popular children’s variety show, Stu Francis, that he felt like jumping off a doll’s house, were misleading, BBC chiefs have revealed. Mr Francis has since admitted that he had no intention of performing said act. The grapes, however, were another matter.

Holby Blue

Holby Blue was a tense, revealing insight into the pressures of modern policing. A later examination of time-shifted recordings using a piece of string and some cheese have revealed that Holby Blue was, in fact, a load of old clichéd nonsense.

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?

Despite the casting of one Connie Fisher in the role of Maria in Andrew Lloyd Webber’s new production of The Sound of Music, nobody can actually recall any answer to the question being given by the corporation. “I watched for ten weeks,” said a Mrs Trellis from North Wales, ‘And I’m still waiting to find out.”

My Family

Despite appearances to the contrary, TV Today has learned that Robert Lindsay isn’t related to any members of the cast. “Lindsay and Wanamaker, they don’t even sound the same! My Family? My…” fumed one irate viewer. “I bet he isn’t even a dentist. You wouldn’t get this sort of tomfoolery in Heartbeat!”

Multi-Coloured Swap Shop

A long disused room has been found in the bowels of TV Centre full of old Etch-a-Sketches, Mr Frosty sets and boxes of Ker-Plunk! with no marbles. Some vague investigations by TV Today spies within the corporation have unearthed fairly tenuous evidence that these are the remnants of incomplete swaps from the legendary children’s show. Police are now looking to question a shifty looking bearded bloke with writing on his hands who was seen hanging around outside the room in about 1981.

The Archers

It might be an everyday story of country folk, but this BBC institution has never had an everyday country animal in the studio. “We’ve always used an animal impersonator,” an insider told TV Today. It is rumoured that former Blockbusters host Bob Holness has been employed by BBC Birmingham for his cow mimicry skills since 1997.

Hancock’s Half Hour

A thorough investigation into the archives has shown that this giant of TV legend was based on a lie from the outset. “Most episodes come in at about 28 minutes,” a Hancock enthusiast told TV Today. “I’m still in shock at this revelation,’ he later admitted in a Little Chef at Watford Gap. It is expected that the BBC will have to pay out millions to disgruntled licence fee payers claiming back the missing minutes.

TV Today will keep our loyal readers up to date with more devious BBC manipulations as and when we get them. Either that, or we’ll just tell you how great Heroes is for the next 24 weeks.

As Mark recommended in yesterday’s Square Eyes, digital channel FX last night started repeating cult crime drama The Wire from the first episode of the first series.

Unusually for a digital channel, it appears that there aren’t any repeats later in the week for those who missed it. Luckily, for this episode only (and for one week only), FX have kindly allowed everybody in the UK to view it online.

The video below is the full episode, and contains scenes which may not be suitable for younger viewers.

The Time of Your Life (Monday 9pm, ITV1)

It’s a shame about this series. At the heart Time for Your Life a really good show waiting to break out, with lots of heart and humour and great character drama. The central hook of the girl who fell into a coma at 18 and weeks up at 35 is beguiling. It started well with decent ratings, but the decision to string a murder mystery storyline out to six episodes was a mistake. The identity of Brian’s killer should have been wrapped up by the end of episode two with the rest of the series’ plots coming from the characters. Still, at least tonight, everything is wrapped up, and I’d quite like to see this back for a retooled second run, although that seems doubtful.

The Wire (Monday 10pm, FX)

I have been told that The Wire is the best drama series ever and that once I’ve watched it, every other drama I watch will feel weak and limp next to it. What, even Rough Diamond? Still, with FX starting a complete rerun of the The Wire, I’m prepared to jump in and see what the fuss is about. I’m always wary of shows that I’m told are the best thing ever – if it’s not up to scratch, there’ll be trouble…

TV Heaven/Telly Hell (Monday 11.05pm, C4)

Poor Sean Lock, he’s worth much more than a hosting a Room 101-style show about celebrities loves and loathes on television. Still, as we’re all generally TV dafties around here, it’s always going to be interesting to tune in – this week, find out what Jack Dee is driven to distraction by on the box.

EastEnders (Tuesday 7.30pm, BBC1)

EastEnders is on a roll at the moment after last week’s storming set of episodes, and as the fallout from Stella’s death continues, two promising new characters totter into the square on their high heels. Yes, the Mitchell clan has more branches than Primark, and sisters Ronnie and Roxy arrive from Ibiza expecting a finger buffet and some champagne – what they get is an empty Queen Vic and dour faces. These blonde bombshells might just be what Albert Square needs to liven things up.

How Gay Sex Changed the World (Tuesday 11.05pm, C4)

Channel 4’s excellent season to mark the 40th anniversary of the decriminalisation of homosexuality continues with this frank account of the major historical moments that led to changing social attitudes to gay lifestyles. Contributors include Matthew Paris, David Furnish and Simon Callow.

The Simpsons: A Culture Show Special (Wednesday 7.30pm, BBC2)

Ahead of this week’s launch of the much-anticipated The Simpsons Movie, The Culture Show comes over all yellow and overbitey to dip into the cultural phenomenon that is The Simpsons. Just what makes this show tick, who are its fans, and will it ever end? This will probably go overboard a touch on the analysis side, when the secret of the show’s success is really very simple. But, as the world prepares to go mad for Springfield all over again, it’s as good as a can of Duff to get in the mood for the movie.

Top Gear – Polar Special (Wednesday 8pm, BBC2)

What’s this? A brand new Top Gear special? You’d think BBC2 had a high profile launch of a much-hyped US import debuting straight after this sure-fire ratings banker. Oh. Hang On…

Heroes (Wednesday 9pm, BBC2)

Finally, the terrestrial launch of one of the best US shows to come along in ages. Heroes has already been on the Sci-Fi Channel, so this is doubtless old news to you multi-channel savvy types around here, but I’ve been gagging to see this for months. I only had Sky installed a couple of weeks before the end of the Sci-Fi run, so it’s shiny and new for me. It plays like a cross between The Tomorrow People and the X-Men with a bit of soapy drama in there to keep it audience-friendly. Thankfully, the Beeb are showing the first two episodes back to back, which is good, as episode one drags a touch. Stick with it though – the cliffhanger to episode two is gob smacking and will hook you in for the long-haul.

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (Thursday 10pm, More 4)

Enjoy it while you can! This much talked about, little seen US drama arrives on our shores, and boy, it’s good. Bradley Whitford and Matthew Perry are note perfect as the writer/producer team brought in to revive the flagging fortunes of the titular comedy sketch show. Think Saturday Night Live and you’re about there. The dialogue sizzles, the performances fly, and you have to wonder why it didn’t attract an audience in the States. It is a little smug in places, but that’s an occupational hazard with any Aaron Sorkin show – The West Wing was great, but it could set your teeth in edge in places. Beautiful in its briefness, cherish this one cos it won’t be coming back.

My Name is Earl (Thursday 10pm, C4)

Part of my appointment TV schedule, it’s a crime to see such a poor showing for Earl in this year’s Emmy nominations. This week gives Darnell and Catalina a bit more to do, and they rise to the challenge with aplomb as we learn the shocking truth about Darnell and Catalina helps Earl out with one his karmic balancing acts.

One of the biggest successes of the BBC’s move into digital broadcasting has been the creation of radio channel BBC7. Mostly consisting of archive shows and series from the BBC’s extensive library of comedy and drama, if my DAB radio was to lose the ability to pick up any other channel I probably wouldn’t mind.

From time to time, BBC7 commissions some original content. One such programme is Moths Ate My Doctor Who Scarf, a two-part memoir from comedian Toby Hadoke, the first part of which aired last Friday with the conclusion airing at the end of this week. Based on his one-man show of the same name, he recounts a life growing up with a love for a certain TV science fiction programme helping him through some difficult times.

Now, anybody who even so much as dips into TV Today may have spotted that both Mark and I have exposed our love of Doctor Who from time to time. And so, I suspect that my love of Toby’s show (which I was lucky enough to catch on an all-too-brief visit to the Edinburgh Fringe last year) may have been enhanced by an immediate sense of recognition in Toby’s monologue. That said, I think that anyone who has ever developed a passion for something — be it a TV show, a series of books, a pop group — will recognise much of themselves in Toby’s life story. It certainly helps that the radio programme has developed from a stage show, which in turn has been tuned to ensure that there are as many laughs to be had for non-Who fans as well as those who can identify every particular reference to the series. And the references do come thick and fast, but not at the expense of the story of Toby’s life. Indeed, the radio version is able to play up the social interaction by benefitting from additional voice talents, most notably that of Louise Jameson as Toby’s mother.

The casting is, of course, another Doctor Who in-joke (Jameson played companion Leela to Tom Baker’s Doctor in the mid 70s), but Jameson brings a much-needed warmth to contrast with Hadoke’s own delivery which, although less angry than the tone he uses on stage (see this YouTube clip) is still, for the most part, weary and cynical. In fact, there’s a real melancholic streak running through the whole piece. On stage, this is balanced by the fact that Hadoke’s material generates laugh after laugh, but when listening on one’s own, it becomes the radio equivalent of a modern TV sitcom, where the laugh track is eschewed to allow tragedy and comedy to sit side by side. It’s a powerful, potent mix that is well worth listening to.

If you didn’t catch the first part of Moths Ate My Doctor Who Scarf, it’s available via Listen Again (you’ll need RealPlayer) for the rest of the week; the second part is on Friday at 5.30pm, repeated at 6am on Saturday morning. Both parts are available on CD as a BBC Audiobook, priced £9.99.

So the second week of DanceX saw the 16 finalists each have just 60 seconds to demonstrate how well they can sing and dance, so that they could be picked for either Arlene or Bruno’s team or, in the case of two dancers, sent home for an early bath.

The dancers were split into two for their appraisals: first the eight boys, then the eight girls. What symmetry! How lucky that Arlene ‘changed her mind at the last minute’ and slummed it to Skegness to bring back Chelsey last week, eh?

For me, Emanuel gave the worst dancing performance of the evening out of the boys. It was hesitant and forced, as if he was petrified of flinging himself about the DanceX stage lest he fall off into the audience. As it came to the selection process — the live television equivalent of picking teams in the playground, Bruno’s first pick wisely avoided him in favour of Phoenix, Marcquelle and Daniele, leaving Emanuel free to join Arlene along with teen-friendly dancers Daniel and Kalvin. It was clear from the off that it was going to be those six who were chosen, as each outclassed Jamie and Bobby who looked like they belonged to a different show.

When the girls’ turn came, it seemed that several could only perform with props — be it a mike stand, roller skates (a particularly poor performance from Camilla, especially as she gave up a job on Starlight Express to come on the show) or even a male dancer. It did seem a little off that, after eight boys gave their all in solo performances, the rules seemed to be bent for the girls. However, most of the girls gave reasonable performances (save for the aforementioned roller skate tragedy), until Ashley wowed the audience into a justly deserved standing ovation.

Come the selection process (with the playground element ever more visible, as Bruno and Arlene seemed to regress into ever more childish behaviour), it was little surprise to see Bruno pick Rana first (although it left Ashley to be snaffled by Arlene). He then went on to select Marie and Becky, with Chelsey and Ife joining Team Arlene.

After a final dance by the four remaining contestants, the girls Claire and Camilla were saved, leaving Jamie and Bobby to pack their bags.

So now we have two teams: Arlene has Emanuel, Daniel, Kalvin, Ashley, Chelsey, Ife and Camilla, while Bruno will be working with Phoenix, Marcquelle, Daniele, Rana, Marie, Becky and Claire.

In theory, over the next few weeks the public will be voting for their favourite troupe, and the losing team will have to shed one member — always assuming that the BBC has reinstated their telephone voting system in time, of course. And how many people will really participate by phone, if the final decision about who leaves each show is not in the public’s hands at all?

• Team Bruno’s vocal coach, CeCe Sammy, is writing an exclusive diary in the print edition of The Stage every week. Catch her reaction to Saturday’s show in this week’s paper, out on Thursday priced £1.30

EastEnders (Friday 8pm, BBC1)

Tonight’s the night that psycho Stella Crawford meets her end down Walford way after the revelations over her abuse of lil’ Ben Mitchell. It’s always touch and go whether Enders will get a dramatic climax to a storyline right or not, but this is just about on the money. It’s a real return to form for Phil who suddenly seems to find himself, and the events are nicely played. The action carries on into next week’s episodes.

Jericho (Friday 8pm, Hallmark)

The show that received a last minute reprieve of seven more episodes to be broadcast later this year ends its first season tonight, and well worth a look it is too. It’s easy to see why such a fervent following hooked into this show, being an incredibly detailed depiction of the world following a nuclear attack. Watch out for Britain’s own Lennie James and the line that sparked the peanut symbol of a resurrection campaign.

The Shield (Friday 11pm, Five)

Alongside The Wire, this is one of the most-feted cop shows on US TV in recent years. Tonight, Vic is off the hook with Internal Affairs, but he still has Captain Wyms on his case still as she tries to force him into retirement. And they used to be such good friends. Actually, scratch that, nobody has friends in this show.

A Very British Sex Scandal (Saturday 9pm, C4)

Channel 4 opens its much-trumpeted (and rightly so) season to mark the 40th anniversary of the decriminalisation of homosexuality. This drama, centring on a landmark 1954 court case concerning Daily Mail journalist Peter Wildeblood and Lord Montagu of Beaulieu, is a little clunky in places. But the mix of real-life testimony with dramatised moments, despite a stiff-upper lip Britishness to proceedings, ends up as an effective highlight of how this marked the slow change of social attitudes in Britain.

Jekyll (Saturday 9pm, BBC1)

The penultimate episode of Steven Moffat’s crazy (but incredibly watchable) drama goes off in a whole new direction as Hyde is now in the driving seat of the body he shares with Jackman. But now, the boot is on the other foot as he’s plagued with visions of Jackman’s life. Payback must be sweet! Just when you think you know where you are with this, we then get flashbacks to 1886 when Dr Jekyll meets Robert Louis Stevenson. Audaciously brilliant.

Smallville (Sunday 9pm, E4)

A return for this always-enjoyable superhero yarn focussing on the early years of Superman. Clarke’s still trapped in the Phantom Zone, the not very nice place built by his Kryptonian father. Don’t take it too seriously and this will always be an entertaining romp for a Sunday night.

Clapham Junction (Sunday 10pm, C4)

A compelling piece of drama that continues the season begun with last night’s A Very British Sex Scandal. Through a series of vignettes, a group of gay men’s lives interconnect during a 36-hour period. The preview tapes hadn’t arrived as of this morning, but the cast, featuring James Wilby and Rupert Graves, is clearly top-flight, and writer Kevin Elyot previously penned My Night with Reg, so the subject matter will be sensitively and poignantly handled.

Dexter (Sunday 10pm, FX)

I started to find the tone of this unique drama series a little too perky last week. It’s a natural side effect of the fact we have to find our murderous lead character likeable, so he runs around grinning cheekily and wise-cracking, then goes and offs somebody in gruesome fashion. It’s quite jarring really – Dexter comes over like a children’s TV presenter who beheads his audience every 20 minutes. Still, there’s a lot going on and there’s nothing like it on TV. Thank God.

It’s an arrival that’s been anticipated for months. No, not the final Harry Potter book, but the BBC’s video-on-demand application, the iPlayer.

We’re indebted to Martin Belam of currybet.net for detailing the first 14 days of the application’s life before they’ve even happened.

It’s all worryingly believable.

On a more serious note, Martin’s companion piece rebutting some of the more hysterical “BBC + DRM = EVIL” outcries is well worth reading and digesting.

Today saw the announcement of the nominations for the 59th Primetime Emmy Awards to be held on the 16th September at the Shrine Auditorium in LA.

A quick glance down the list doesn’t throw up any surprises and it seems like a fairly sane, sensible list on the whole, mixing old warhorses and new kids on the block.

Obviously, if I went through every category in detail, we’d be here until the ceremony itself, but here’s a rundown of the main players in the list…

Best Drama series

• Boston Legal
• Grey’s Anatomy
• Heroes
• House
• The Sopranos

An interesting grouping of shows here and one that’s difficult to call, although The Sopranos could be an even bet for its final year on air. Fantastic as it is, I can’t see Heroes bagging this one first time out, but this is a good nod for NBC getting something right recently. As for the other three, Boston Legal is a bit too whacky so we could have three-way race between The Sopranos, Grey’s Anatomy and House.

Outstanding Actor in a Drama Series

• James Spader (Boston Legal)
• Hugh Laurie (House)
• Denis Leary (Rescue Me)
• James Gandolfini (The Sopranos)
• Kiefer Sutherland (24)

Hugh Laurie is the only serious contender here to threaten James Gandolfini who I guarantee will walk away with this one. Again.

Outstanding Actress in a Drama Series

• Sally Field ( Brothers & Sisters)
• Kyra Sedgwick (The Closer)
• Mariska Hargitay (Law & Order: SVU)
• Patricia Arquette (Medium)
• Minnie Driver (The Riches)
• Edie Falco ( The Sopranos)

Much more of an open pack, although Minnie Driver still has an ability to drive me to utter distraction (and not in a good way). As a hopeless Brothers and Sisters daftie, I’d like to see Sally Field take this, but as with the Best Actor, Edie Falco must be a safe bet to win.

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series

• William Shatner (Boston Legal)
• T.R. Knight (Grey’s Anatomy)
• Masi Oka (Heroes)
• Michael Emerson (Lost)
• Terry O’Quinn (Lost)
• Michael Imperioli (The Sopranos)

I adore that we live in a world where William Shatner can still be nominated for an Emmy (not to mention a win a couple of years back). This is a list of top-notch talent, and no mistake, but I’m hoping for a first time win for Masi Oka. If ever a character defined a TV show, it’s Hiro, and Oka’s performance is simply delightful. If not, Terry O’Quinn is a worthy contender (he actually makes Lost worth watching).

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series

• Rachel Griffiths (Brothers & Sisters)
• Katherine Heigl (Grey’s Anatomy)
• Chandra Wilson (Grey’s Anatomy)
• Sandra Oh (Grey’s Anatomy)
• Aida Turturro ( The Sopranos)
• Lorraine Bracco (The Sopranos)

One problem with the modern phenomenon of large ensemble casts is that the lines between main and supporting actors has become blurred somewhat, and nowhere is this clearer than in this list. If there’s one thing Rachel Griffiths is not, it’s a supporting actress in Brothers and Sisters. She should be up in the Best Actress list alongside Sally Field. But, that’s the way it is, and this will probably come down to a fight between Griffiths and Lorraine Bracco – don’t underestimate the power of The Sopranos…

Outstanding Comedy Series

• 30 Rock
• Entourage
• The Office
• Two And A Half Men
• Ugly Betty

It’s too easy to default to Ugly Betty here, but like Heroes, I’d like to see this zippy show rewarded. Two and a Half Men aside, these are a very strong set of contenders, but if I had to call it, The Office (US version, natch), might pip the others to the post.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series

• Alec Baldwin (30 Rock)
• Ricky Gervais (Extras)
• Tony Shalhoub (Monk)
• Steve Carell (The Office)
• Charlie Sheen (Two and a Half Men)

Obviously I’ll be scratching Ricky Gervais from the list as, frankly, he isn’t any good (gasp!), and Charlie Sheen can go the same way. Steve Carell has to be favourite here – his turn in The Office is superb and one of the finest comedy talents in the US right now (Evan Almighty excepted), but Tony Shaloub is equally masterful as neurotic detective Monk. And then there’s Alec Baldwin – I’d probably give it to him for fear of getting my head kicked in.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series

• Tina Fey (30 Rock)
• Felicity Huffman (Desperate Housewives)
• Julia Louis-Dreyfuss (The New Adventures of Old Christine)
• America Ferrera (Ugly Betty)
• Mary-Louise Parker (Weeds)

America Ferrera has already cemented a win at the Golden Globes for her breakthrough leading performance in Ugly Betty, but she’s up against some heavyweights here. Felicity Huffman will be a tough cookie to crumble – she has that Rachel Griffiths quality of making it all look so effortless, and then there’s the renaissance of Julia Louis-Dreyfuss. Dreyfuss is a veteran of six Emmy nominations and two wins, so she’s been here before. Personally I’m putting my money on Mary-Louise Parker’s winning showing in Weeds.

Finally, a special mention for our very own Jim Broadbent, who grabs a nomination for his sensational titular turn in Longford. Foregone conclusion as far as I’m concerned.

If you read the output from certain media organisations, you’d think that the BBC has been revealed to be a crime syndicate more worthy of being headed by Tony Soprano than Mark Thompson.

The BBC’s announcement yesterday that a number of programmes had breached editorial guidelines relating to phone-in competitions coincided with the publication of an independent report by Richard Ayre, commissioned by Ofcom and available from its website. However, the fact that Ayre found that problems existed throughout all broadcasters seems to have escaped much of the tabloid coverage:

The range of problems was diverse, but the underlying theme is a systemic one – or rather, the absence of systems designed to require, ensure and audit compliance. In the absence of such systems individual mistakes, whether the result of technical failure, misjudgement, negligence or deliberate deceit, too often went unnoticed or unreported and sometimes ignored.

To reiterate, Ayre is talking about all broadcasters there. What happened yesterday was that, while commercial broadcasters have commissioned independent auditors to conduct historical reviews of their premium rate phone-ins but have yet to publish, the BBC actually got round to publishing some of the results of its own review.

The coverage of the BBC’s admission by some media organisations seems to stem from two trains of thought:

• Either the BBC is a bunch of state-funded liberal lefty luvvies who’ve had it coming;
• Or the paper’s owners have a vested interest in one of the BBC’s commercial rivals.

Or, in the case of The Sun, both (the paper is owned by News Corporation, which owns 39% of BSkyB, which in turn owns 17.9% of ITV). Take, for example, this piece of erudite commentary from the paper’s political editor, George Pasoce-Watson (it’s in the right-hand column of this page):

BBC chiefs blow a staggering £450million every year on news programmes.

Yet Sky News spends a TENTH of that, and you can be sure what you see on the news on Sky — which is 39 per cent owned by The Sun’s parent company News Corporation — is accurate. Unlike the BBC.

Overnight, the Corporation has shown itself to be the Arthur Daley of TV news.

Of course, Sky News doesn’t have an extensive bureau of home and foreign correspondents servicing four national TV stations and numerous national and local radio stations. It has, erm, Sky News (although it does also have the contract to supply Five News, and the Competition Commission is currently considering whether its stake in ITV would pose a threat to ITN’s contract with the broadcaster and Channel 4).

Can you be sure that Sky news is accurate? One would hope so — although the channel was fined £50,000 for faking a Gulf War report, so they’re hardly lily-white in that regard. But wait — at what point did the problems highlighted yesterday show deficiencies in BBC News?

That’s right - they didn’t. So quite clearly, Pascoe-Watson is taking a potshot at an unrelated division of the Corporation just for the hell of it.

Still, thank goodness the paper he writes for gets everything right, eh. I mean, I trust it completely when it says that Thierry Henry had to get away from everything English, including his wife. Oh, hang on:

YESTERDAY we reported that Thierry Henry had told friends that the reason he left Arsenal for Barcelona was that he wanted to get away from “everything English”. We are happy to clarify that this is not the case.

Oops.

The upshot of all this is that yes, mistakes happen. Sometimes they’re minor, sometimes they’re incredibly serious. Right now, the BBC is being honest and open about mistakes they’ve found.

For me, that’s the biggest difference between the Corporation and its commercial rivals. And, even with all its faults, for that the BBC can hold its head up high.

Well no, of course it isn’t, and I’m shaking my head in wonderment at the chronic overreaction that’s leaking out all over the media this afternoon in the wake of Mark Thompson’s visit to the BBC Trust. Of course, tomorrow’s newspapers will attempt to blame the BBC for everything from cancelling Christmas to showing Victoria Beckham: Coming to America (the fact it was broadcast on ITV no barrier to objectivity).

There isn’t really a lot more to say (too much has been said already) and I’m finding the whole situation thoroughly depressing. British broadcasting can’t help but air its dirty laundry for the entire world to see. Sigh.

But look on the bright side, there are things to celebrate in the world of TV right now:

Sky Plus: it has changed my life. No really, it has.

Weeds: season two of this award-winning US drama starring Mary-Louise Parker finally hits Sky One on Sunday 5 August.

Harley Street: indie producer Carnival has been commissioned by ITV1 to produce this new medical drama set in the world of expensive medicine. Let’s face it, with Hotel Babylon on Carnival’s books, you know exactly how Harley Street will play. Personally, I can’t wait!

Still Game: the best sitcom on the box is on BBC2 on Thursdays.

Alan Dale: the legendary Jim Robinson himself is going to be in Torchwood. I might even watch.

The Wire: a complete run of this hugely-feted by everybody but its ratings drama begins next Monday on FX, and I’m preparing to be hooked.

Doctor Who: the BBC is still making it. In these dark times, Auntie needs to score all the points it can.

Studio 60: nobody watched it in the States, it only ran for one season, but it arrives on More4 on 26th July.

Ace of Wands: this trippy lost gem of cult children’s TV is available in a tip-top DVD set from the excellent folk at Network DVD.

The Tour de France: ITV4’s coverage is strangely addictive.

And if all that doesn’t cheer you up in the face of so much TV misery, you can always go out and buy Harry Potter 7 at midnight on Friday. Just don’t go telling me what happens, okay?

That Meadowlands is a foreboding place. They don’t seem to have heard of street lamps, so the town is always in a state of semi-darkness. Not that residents will complain when it comes to hiding a dead body, as Danny Brogan (David Morrissey) and his son Mark (Harry Treadaway) were at the beginning of episode two.

The pair weren’t helped by permanently horny Evelyn (Lucy Cohu) wanting to lay her husband at the same time. She must be the only wife in the world who can’t tell when her husband is hiding something. He could have had guilty tattooed on his forehead and she still wouldn’t have noticed. Still, Danny managed to keep her out of the action for a bit by suggesting she take a long soak alone so he can get rid of Jack, the local handyman, who he killed last week after catching him trying to rape his son (who was dressed as his sister at the time). It’s all so dark and twisted that it’s hard not to be enthralled by the action. And episode two had just as many knowing looks and left as many questions unanswered as the first that viewers will undoubtedly stay tuned for more weirdness and guessing games.

This week, weird policeman Wintersgill (played by Ralph Brown) was supremely menacing as he quizzed Mark and Danny over the disappearance of Jack. “I’ve got the feeling our local handyman’s vanishing is a bit more permanent,” he said. Well, he didn’t get the job as local bobby for nothing. Meanwhile, Danny had to work extra hard to keep Mark in order. His son seems to be a gibbering wreck most of the time, but when he does have something important to say he does it at the top of his lungs and in front of others. He’d better watch it, or Danny might be burying him sometime soon. As his son points out, he seems to be quite good at getting rid of a body - hinting at the fact he may well have killed a man before.

Elsewhere in this week’s episode, Evelyn paid a visit to the local doctor, David York (Tristan Gemmill) who, it has to be said, should be stripped of his medical licence purely because he doesn’t seem to be able to speak one sentence without making a creepy remark. Fortunately, Evelyn is a little slow on the uptake. Last week, he told her he loved her, but she didn’t hear, and this week during quizzing her on her sex life he asked whether she might consider having children with him. Perhaps Evelyn thought she was hearing things because she still agreed to have a physical check-up with him. Examining her, the doc’s outbursts got the better of him again, resulting in him screaming the word sperm. Thankfully, Evelyn finally cottoned on to the fact this doctor might not be the best man for the job. Well, better late than never.

The episode ended with Danny being arrested for Jack’s murder — thanks in no small way to his son’s loud mouth. And judging by the trailer for next week, Danny doesn’t have the best time while in Wintersgill’s custody. All in all, Cape Wrath is shaping up to be a fine Tuesday night drama. Not short of suspense, it has strong performances and promises to get even darker as it goes on. It looks like Mark might even get it on with Brenda Ogilvie (Aveline from Bread). Now that will definitely be worth seeing.

And everybody breathe…

Finally somebody has put their hands up to take responsibility for the storm in a posh china teacup that was the dubious editing of a promotional trailer featuring the Queen. And colour me unsurprised to find that the buck has stopped with RDF, the independent production company that originated A Year with the Queen, the documentary that sparked really rather dull furore.

“I deeply regret the embarrassment this has led to for both the BBC and the Queen and wanted to apologise to you unreservedly.”

RDF chief executive David Frank has reportedly scribbled in an e-mail to BBC Director General Mark Thompson. This is a far cry from last week’s finger pointing from the indie production company, which includes Wife Swap amongst its credits. RDF had supposedly asked the BBC on repeated occasions for an opportunity to view the promotional tape, requests which they claim were ignored. In retrospect, this now looks like somewhat desperate attempt to dodge a bullet.

RDF’s apology comes a bit late under the circumstances, considering the week endured by BBC1 controller Peter Fincham as the press continued to print calls for his resignation and the usual theories that the BBC is the source of all evil in the world.

Let’s just get one thing straight: it wasn’t Fincham’s fault! Was I the only one bored with the press circling Broadcasting House like a flock of hungry vultures, waiting for Fincham to be hurled out of the revolving doors in disgrace. But to his credit, Fincham stood firm, claiming calls for his resignation were “disproportionate” to the matter at hand, and indeed they were. With today’s apology from RDF, it seems his position has been somewhat vindicated.

And to anybody out there who is shocked that production companies employ dubious and misleading editing policies to change the context of a chronological sequence, take a look at the tedious drivel Channel 4 is rolling out at 9pm every night. Big Brother has been founded on this very principal from the very beginning I shouldn’t wonder. And if the sequence concerned had focused on a participant of Wife Swap as opposed to the Queen, would this have even made the news, let alone the headlines?

To round-off this chapter in the BBC’s currently chequered recent history, I was quite tickled in this line from Frank’s apology email to Thompson:

“So, I’m very sorry for what has happened. I do hope that we can build your trust in us again, but I realise we’ve got a lot to make up.”

In other words: will you still be my friend?

Via idents.tv comes a copy of Channel 4’s latest ident, starring none other than Homer J. Simpson and his favourite beverage:

Like the latest seasons of the TV show, the ident is mildly amusing, though you do get a sense that it’s not quite as funny as it could be. What really irritates me, though, is that the ‘reveal’ of the Channel 4 logo doesn’t match the rest of the channel’s idents, where disparate blocks briefly form the recognisable ‘4’ before they and/or the camera move on. Instead, we get a still subtle, but very 2D representation marked out in flickering house lights.

I feel the same way about the pneumatic ‘4’ that squashes pigeons in Trafalgar Square; alongside the standard idents it feels out of place with the brand. But that one I’m happy to let off. Anything that kills flying rodents is okay by me…

The internet is buzzing with the BBC’s confirmation that not-as-good-as-it-deserves-to-be Docor Who spinoff Torchwood is moving to BBC2 when it returns in January. The official press release may have something to do with this, as it trumpets the channel change even though it’s been officially acknowledged for months. Indeed, Julie Gardner talked about the change in our Doctor Who-themed podcast back in March.

More interestingly, the BBC confirmed that James Marsters, US star of Buffy The Vampire Slayer and (briefly) Smallville, is to have a guest role on the series. While the casting was known amongst fans for some time, today’s the first time it has been confirmed that another big star of American TV will be joining the show for a bit. Alan Dale is these days best known for his turns on 24 and Ugly Betty, but for most of us Brits, like that annoying Aussie tourist in that even-more-annoying Channel 4 trailer, he’ll always be Jim Robinson from Neighbours. And of course, Freema Agyeman is to reprise her role as Martha Jones, before the character rejoins the TARDIS crew midway through the parent series’ fourth season.

But there’s one thing that the BBC press release doesn’t tell you. One thing that will get fans speculating like crazy. One thing that has been confirmed only by the publicity people at BBC Pictures, who provided the info. alongside the picture you see to your right.

And that’s what character James Marsters will be playing.

To save spoiler-phobic blushes, I’ll go into more detail after the jump…

Heroes (Monday 10pm, Sci-Fi)

One week ahead of its terrestrial premiere on BBC2, the first season of Heroes winds down with a strangely low-key finale that is all the better for it. There could have been an all out SFX-fest as our band of super humans take on the terrifying Sylar, but the fact it manages to remain true to the characters and tone we’ve had for the last 20-odd episodes is no mean feat. Now you can watch it all over again on BBC2, with the hope that Auntie might go straight into season 2. Please?

Tapping The Wire (Monday 9pm, FX)

Everybody keeps telling me that I really have to watch The Wire. And I want to, I do, but between my current Seinfeld marathon, a renewed obsession with Battlestar Galactica and mowing the lawn, there just aren’t enough hours in the day. But I may have found a jumping on point, starting tonight with Charlie Brooker’s brief documentary on this most perplexing of HBO shows. Brooker’s feting of the show has become almost as well known as The Wire itself, and his enthusiasm is hard to resist (and remember, this is Brooker we’re talking about). FX commences a repeat of the labyrinthine but allegedly compelling cop drama from next week.

Dirt (Monday 9pm, Five US)

Dirt completes our Monday trio of multi-channel choices in the face of lack lustre schedules on terrestrial. Dirt started well last week, but all critics seem to agree that it’s Ian Hart’s paparazzi, Don, who steals the show from under the nose of Courtney Cox. Tonight he’s sent by the ruthless Lucy to photograph a corpse and gets a bit of a shock. It’s a good show, and I’m slightly embarrassed that all our choices tonight centre on US shows. Is this a worrying sign of the times?

Waking the Dead/CSI: Miami (Tuesday 9pm, BBC1/Five)

A repeat of Waking the Dead and the start of season five of CSI: Miami means I can play one of my favourite TV games – flicking from one to the other to see if I can make a whole new story out of both shows. Both feature wildly outrageous leads who remain among the top reasons for watching both, from Boyd’s random bouts of shoutiness to Horatio’s slow drawl delivery.

Cape Wrath (Tuesday 10pm, C4)

I didn’t quite make friends with the first part of this bizarre drama series, but it had enough going on to make me want to come back for another look. I think the problem is one of identity and the series doesn’t seem to know what it wants to be, and I fear that audiences will be bouncing off it for this reason. Tonight, Danny’s alibi over the disappearance of Jack Donnelly is just about holding up, but will his son blow the whole thing wide open?

The Book Quiz (Tuesday 11pm, BBC4)

If you’re a sucker for the fast pace of University Challenge and like a good read, then this is right up your street. David Baddiel presides over this celebrity quiz show that runs the gauntlet of literary knowledge from Charles Dickens to Dan Brown (well, he has to get in there somewhere). Better than most quizzes of this nature and quite entertaining in its irreverence.

Wire in the Blood (Wednesday 9pm, ITV1)

I like to think in my tortured mind that there exists a private members club where female TV detectives can go for a drink and offload their job woes. Naturally, we’d have Jane Tennison at the head of the table and Dr Grace Foley off of Waking the Dead setting up a therapy shop just down the corridor. Regular visitors to the club would include The Commander’s Clare Blake and, no doubt, DI Alex Fielding from Wire in the Blood. She clearly has an inferiority complex of the highest order as she constantly invites nut job psychologist Tony Hill to cast his eye over all her murder investigations. Obviously, that’s the concept of the series so a slight suspension of disbelief is necessary, but come on, love! Have the determination to solve a crime yourself, eh?

Brothers and Sisters (Wednesday 10pm, C4)

I’m still loving this show. It has a lightness of touch that makes it incredibly watchable, and the hang-ups, neuroses and arguments the various siblings of the Walker family endure are halfway believable. Plus, it has the divine Rachel Griffiths, late of Six Feet Under, making this whole acting lark look completely effortless. More secrets are out in the open this week, and we’re still wondering where daddy spirited the $12 million from the pension fund.

Law and Order (Wednesday 10pm, Sky One)

Still going. Still brilliant. Ish…

EastEnders (Thursday 7.30pm, BBC1)

A long-running storyline plummets towards a climax as Phil and Stella’s wedding day arrives. Of course, we know the loony lawyer has been terrorising poor little Ben, which is tantamount to kicking a puppy. Could it be that Ben will find voice in the middle of the ceremony and blow the whistle on Stella’s bullying ways? What do you think, dear reader?

Hyperdrive (Thursday 9.30pm, BBC2)

Here’s a tip for the producers of this fairly dire entry into the sitcom lexicon. Forget about the flashy special effects and concentrate on writing some gags and characters that are actually funny. Then you might have something good on your hands. It’s not rocket science.

Still Game (Thursday 10pm, BBC2)

Ah, that’s better. Jack and Victor think they are in clover when they get mistaken for rich socialites by a couple of feisty widows. High society beckons the two old rogues, but disaster is sure to strike. It’s farcical and silly, but the main trick to Still Game is that it’s very, very funny. Clearly Greg Hemphill and Ford Kiernan read their rocket science manuals before sitting down to write.

While nearly 5 million people were tuned in to the first programme of Dance X on Saturday night, the ratings were not so kind for ITV1. The ever-so-slightly-pompously-titled Sing It Back: Lyric Champion 2007 only managed 1.9 million — down from last week’s promising 3.2 million.

It’s a shame, because at its heart ITV’s latest game show has a great premise. Although I was slightly scornful when news first broke of their ‘off paper’ format purchase, not needing contestants to be vocally strong produces a game show that cries out for the audience to join in. Presented the right way, Sing It Back has the potential to be a big success for the commercial broadcaster.

Trouble is, just about everything to do with the programme takes itself far too seriously. The over-dramatic lighting, the title itself (why not just call it Sing It Back?), the elevated platform from which adjudicator Paul Gambaccini dispenses his verdict, the dull post-match VT inserts played in every time a contestant steps up to the mike — all conspire to wring every last sense of fun from the show.

And why, pray tell, do we need two presenters? Okay, so ITV has had prime time success with Ant and Dec, but their natural wit and charm suits working as a double-act. Even when working on the most tightly-scripted light entertainment show, they lend every show an air of off-the-cuff informality. It takes a special pair of presenters to be able to pull off such a feat, and Radio 1 DJs JK and Joel ain’t it.

The presentation may be working well in the States, where the original show, The Singing Bee, gave broadcaster NBC one of the highest rated summer premieres ever. For a UK audience, though, it needs to lighten up if it’s ever going to have a chance of long-term success.

And so, mere weeks after Any Dream Will Do, the BBC launches its latest Saturday evening innovation — a talent show with dancing, with a judging panel (Strictly Come Dancing judges Bruno Tonioli and Arlene Phillips) that aren’t exactly renowned for their reticence or politesse. Was there any way in which a show like this could surprise us?

As it turned out, there was. For every format component that had a discernible history from similar shows in recent years (Competing groups? Popstars: the Rivals. Contemporary dance? Strictly Dance Fever. Digital channel companion show with the “X” replaced by “Xtra”? X Factor/Xtra Factor. Slow-mo sequences accmpanied by syrupy music, played over tales of personal hardship? Just about every show in the genre) there were little tweaks that added just a bit of originality.

For a start, slimming the number of judges down to two really helps, especially when in future editions Arlene and Bruno will be competing against one another. When there is disagreement between the pair as to whether a contestant should go through, there’s a real sense of frustration that you don’t get from a panel of three or more. Also, during the initial audition stages, we get to hear Bruno and Arlene’s comments to each other as the dancers go through their stuff. While possibly a little unfair on the auditionees, it does show us that, while both judges are known for their hyperbolic post-dance statements, they really are looking at the whole routine and doing their best to judge each dancer’s technique.

While the ultimate prize is to be a part of a new dance troupe, the winning group will also have a recording contract and will be supporting R’n’B artist Rihanna on tour — so each dancer will also have to be able to sing. I did feel that not enough time was devoted to seeing that side of each auditionee, though. Indeed, the whole audition process felt uncomfortably compressed into a single programme, in the effort to get to a live show as quickly as possible. While X Factor may drag out the audition process for an uncomfortable number of weeks, here there seems an unreasoned haste. Watching the BBC3 companion show, DanceXtra, for example, we saw candidates dancing in pairs in front of Bruno and Arlene — a portion of the process that was completely invisible to viewers watching only BBC1.

After selecting 30 auditionees for some intensive workshopping, a further ten are dropped prior to the surviving contestants performing in public at the Dominion Theatre, home of musical We Will Rock You — after which, we have a further cull as the final shortlist for the live shows is selected. And of course, we have the now-obligatory “Oh, I was wrong, we missed someone out” moment, resulting in the glorious sight of Arlene Phillips slumming it in Skegness (and visibly hating every second).

So now we have sixteen contentants, which next week will be reduced to fourteen in the first live show. Conveniently, we have eight girls and eight boys: one wonders what would have happened if that last-minute change of heart hadn’t happened?

• The Girls: Ashley, Camilla, Chelsey, Claire, Ife, Marie, Rana, Rebecca
• The Boys: Bobby, Daniel, Daniele, Emanuel, Jamie, Kalvin, Marquelle, Phoenix

The BBC are being slightly coy about the exact format the next few weeks’ shows will take — probably wise, as it will allow for off-screen tweaks as necessary. If the judges’ flamboyances can be kept in check and the light allowed to shine on the dancers, we could have a fun six weeks ahead. That may be a big ‘if’, though, as the format has been devised by Arlene and Bruno themselves, and one gets the impression that the spotlight won’t be away from the judges’ table for too long…

Starting next week, DanceX vocal coach CeCe Sammy will be writing an exclusive column for The Stage’s print edition every week during the series’ run. Reserve your copy at your local newsagents now!

There’s still time (just) to win £100 worth of dancewear, a Royal Academy of Dance course, VIP tickets to the Street Dance Weekend Championships and more! Go to our competitions page for more details

As TV Today has pointed out before, Radio 4’s Desert Island Discs is one of the few programmes that doesn’t appear on the network’s “Listen Again” on-demand feature, which means you’ll have to catch it either on Sunday, or on its Friday repeat — and then it’s gone forever.

This week’s guest is an absolute hero of mine, with one of the most distinctive and comforting voices in children’s television as I was growing up. Oliver Postgate, with his partner Peter Firmin, created some of the most memorable animated programmes of his day: from the simple cut-out style animations of Noggin The Nog and Ivor The Engine to the surreal fantasy of The Clangers and the nostalgic whimsy of Bagpuss.

His voice may sound a little thinner these days (as when he narrated Alchemists of Sound, BBC4’s superb documentary about the BBC Radiophonic Workshop), but for those of us of a certain age, it promises to be just as spellbinding listening to him talk about his personal life as it did narrating the tales of an old furry catpuss…

The Alastair Campbell Diaries (Friday 7pm, BBC2)

The final instalment of what has been quite a fun exercise as Alastair Campbell reads extracts from his recently published diaries against a montage of news footage of the day. This is possibly the most revealing segment, covering as it does the attacks of 9/11, the death of Dr David Kelly and Campbell’s departure from Downing Street. Is it just me, or is there something unintentionally comedic about the moody shots of Campbell sitting in his flat, staring into the distance?

First Night of the Proms (Friday 8pm, BBC2)

As there’s nothing much of note on the tellybox tonight (look around, there really isn’t), I’d recommend taking refuge in the cultural high of the opening night of the world’s best classical music festival. It doesn’t matter if classical music isn’t really up your mp3, there’s always plenty of pomp and spectacle on show here, and the Beeb’s coverage is always impeccable.

The Shield (Friday 11pm, Five)

Ah, I knew you’d be here. It’s either that, or Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo on ITV4.

DanceX (Saturday 6.55pm, BBC1)

Are they having a laugh? Arlene Phillips and Bruno Tonioli embark on a mission to find a hot new dance troupe. I’d much prefer the flogging of a dead horse for an hour instead. Much more entertaining.

Doctor Who (Saturday/Sunday 8am-9pm, UKTV Drama)

Just when you thought it was safe to come out from behind the sofa… You can tell it’s the summer now and there’s not a great deal to tickle our viewing pleasure, hence why I’m recommending a whole weekend of vintage Doctor Who. UKTV Drama embarks on a mission to find the greatest Doctor Who, although I’m not sure why they need to ask – everybody knows it’s Peter Davison. Particular gems here include a showing of the pilot episode with William Hartnell, and one of my personal favourites, The Caves of Androzani, being Peter Davison’s swansong. It’s a pacey four episodes of adventure drama that could go toe to toe with the new series – not surprising, as director Graeme Harper has helmed episodes from both eras of the series.

Neighbours Revealed (Saturday 8.25pm, BBC3)

A very random run of five new documentaries on the much talked about Aussie soap. Not quite sure of the occasion, but for Neighbours fans, this is like a drop of the amber nectar. The documentaries cover more behind the scenes stuff you can shake a stick at, follow Stefan Dennis (aka Paul Robinson) around the studios for a day, a run down of shocking Neighbours deaths and a look at the alumni who have fame in the UK.

The Thick of It: Spinners and Losers (Saturday 10pm, BBC2)

The second of the fantastic specials from the top-notch political satire that sees Malcolm Tucker trying to throw his allegiance into the right camp as the Labour party seeks a new leader. The timing of this may be unfortunate with the trial of Chris Langham having started this week, and this highlights just how much the show could survive quite adequately without him. God forbid.

The Chase (Sunday 8pm, BBC1)

Nah, only joking. I was just feeling a bit sorry for Kay Mellor’s drama in the wake of this week’s cancellation news.

The Visit (Sunday 9pm, BBC3)

BBC3 has had a good hit rate of late in the sitcom department, and The Visit isn’t bad. It’s set in a prison visiting room and comes with all the associated characters of such a situation. It’s no Gavin and Stacey, but the script is sharp and the cast good enough to carry it through.

The Zimmers Go to Hollywood (Sunday 10pm, BBC2)

I cried buckets at Tim Samuels’ film shown back in May that sought to highlight the plight of the elderly living in the UK and how many are sorely neglected. The film finished with a group of pensioners being taken to Abbey Road Studios to record a cover of The Who’s My Generation, which caused quite a storm of publicity. This follow up film sees a return for the Zimmers as they head to Hollywood to appear on The Tonight Show alongside George Clooney. Not as affecting as the first outing, but still an absorbing and thoughtful piece of TV.

Dexter (Sunday 10pm, FX)

After last week’s excellent opener, Dexter is a definite part of my viewing week now, mainly down to Michael C Halls’ fantastic turn in the title role. There is something winningly innocent about this serial killer cum vigilante that makes some of the more distasteful moments easier to digest.

It’s certainly been a week for famous people letting the world know how useful The Stage has been at launching their careers.

In this week’s edition of the Radio 4 chat show Midweek, newly crowned Joseph Lee Mead told Francine Stock:

I remember leaving [drama college] with no qualification… It was a Wednesday, and the following day on the Thursday I got The Stage newspaper and saw this audition — for a cruise ferry actually, my first job — and I thought, ‘why not go for that, and see what happens?’ I was the last guy to be seen, and I got the job.

The interview is available via the BBC’s Listen Again service until next Wednesday morning.

Lee’s fans (now, it seems, universally known as Loppies, a term that originated in the TV Today comments section of our Any Dream Will Do final coverage) have now racked up well over 1,000 comments on a single blog entry, meaning I’ve had to close comments on that one to protect the sanity of our moderators load on the web server. They may be interested to read theatre producer Richard Jordan’s comments on how the TV talent show genre has shaken up the theatre industry:

I believe it’s much harder for the winners of these theatre contests than those of the X Factor, who after the timed release of a single to hit No. 1 can take time out to start working with songwriters and develop their skills further. In the case of a theatre reality TV show, the winner remains under a constant pressure, which many experienced performers would struggle to cope with, going straight into rehearsals as the star with the responsibility of leading a company. Finally, they must face the show’s biggest and most influential judges — the national press critics, whose notices ultimately determine whether they, the TV show, and the production have succeeeded or failed.

The full column is not available online, so you’ll have to buy the paper to read it: The Stage is available from most major newsagents, priced £1.30.

Also in print this week Mary Comerford meets Ben Shephard, the former Xtra Factor presenter who, this weekend, moves to BBC1 prime time to present DanceX. Like Lee, he’s professionally trained — in dance, rather than drama. Unlike Lee, though, he didn’t get the first job he went for, but his ongoing success still sprung out of that audition:

When I was starting out, I’d done a presenter’s course and there was an ad in the back for a new kids’ show. I sent my showreel off and they asked me to audition and it was for GMTV’s children’s show Diggit. I did a screen test with Fearne Cotton but I didn’t get the job. However, I met Andi Peters, who went to C4 and and employed me on T4, and he’s been one of my mentors ever since.

There’s no yellow brick road that’s going to lead you straight to Oz, but there are a few things you can do and one of them is look in the back of The Stage.

It worked for me because although I didn’t get it, I met the right people. The number of bands who come on GMTV and say, “We met at an audition in the back of The Stage.”

So if you’re interested in a career in the performing arts, both Lee and Ben’s experience points to two things:

1. Get the training. Although Lee left his drama college just before graduation, his training would be invaluable.

2. Be prepared. There is plenty of advice available in our Advice section as well as peer-to-peer advice and support on our StageTalk message boards.

3. Apply for jobs and auditions you find in The Stage. The paper is published every week (your newsagent should be able to reserve a copy for you, or you can subscribe to get a copy delivered to you). If you want to search jobs online, our jobs & auditions section is updated every Wednesday. Subscribers to the print edition get immediate access, with non-subscribers able to view jobs from Saturday mornings.

And of course, there’s lots of great TV-related stuff in The Stage as well as theatre coverage. This week, as well as Ben Shephard’s interview, Matthew Hemley meets TV stuntman Riky Ash, and Harry Venning reviews Concert for Diana, The Thick of It: Spinners and Losers and Memoirs of a Cigarette.

And so the question remains as BBC1 hurtles rapidly towards a Neighboursless future next March. In TV terms, that isn’t long, and a sense of panic is appears to be running through proceedings, with several options under consideration by BBC1 controller Peter Fincham.

TV Today reported a couple of weeks ago that Liverpool based LA Productions had been approached to work up a proposal for a soap based in the city, but other possibilities have come to light this week.

The most intriguing of these is the notion of taking Shed Productions’ Waterloo Road, a prime time drama set in a school and starring Jason Merrells and Angela Griffin, and retooling it into a half hour soap for the two daily Neighbours slots. Now I like Waterloo Road, but the change from prime time to an afternoon slot, with early evening repeat, would mean changing the tone of the show, thus losing some of the inherent appeal of the series. Waterloo Road is due back in the autumn with a mammoth 20-part run, and I think that’s where it should stay. I’m sure Shed wouldn’t be too keen on the budget drop an hour long drama in prime time gains, to a half hour, daily soap, and Fincham is reportedly keen to keep costs at £90,000 - the same rate the corporation was paying per episode of Neighbours.

And therein lies another problem, with Hollyoaks producers Lime Pictures also being linked to a possible replacement series. Hollyoaks costs about £135,000 per episode, and this is likely to be a sticking point with any independent the BBC approaches. Compound this with the rumours that Fincham is looking for a 40 episode initial run, and the hopes of making any new production cost effective become slimmer and slimmer. You can’t do a new soap with half measures, it has to be committed to from the start and given enough episodes for the backdrop to bed in and the audience to build and form attachments to the characters. Eight weeks just isn’t going to cut it.

In this case, Peter Fincham needs to throw caution to the wind and go with a year-long commission – it really is the only way a new production has any chance of succeeding.

But there is a solution already in place, and it seems so obvious, I’m surprised anything else is being considered. River City, BBC Scotland’s twice-weekly soap that has been running since 2002, is perfect to fill part of the gap left by the Aussie soap. There’s enough back catalogue to fill a reasonable run, and there’s minimal outlay needed to make this happen (surely a plus point in this belt-tightening era for Auntie). But that’s only one half of the solution…

Doctors. It has a strong audience, not far behind that of the Neighbours loyalists, and is already a halfway decent afternoon drama. No, really, it is… I’ve argued before that this is the best answer to the Neighbours problem – promote Doctors to the Neighbours slots, chuck a little bit more money at it and bring River City in to take up the slack.

Of course, it never is that simple – there’ll be internal politics and other shenanigans going on behind the scenes, but this really does seem to be the easiest solution with the least amount of associated mess. And in the time available, you really don’t have long left before making a decision, so jump to it!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and teach my grandma how to suck eggs…

Ed’s note: The end of this review contains a potential spoiler for future episodes.

When I interviewed Cape Wrath star Lucy Cohu for last week’s print edition of The Stage, she told me the show’s success in the USA was down to the fact it didn’t look like a British show. She even claimed there has been “nothing like it on British TV before”. The fact that the Channel 4 show is a co-production with Showtime in the USA and has been directed by CSI’s Duane Clark, meant the whole look and feel of the opening 90-minute episode was American. The backdrop of Meadowlands - the estate where the Brogan family arrive with brand new identities as part of a protective witness progamme - is suitably eerie and could easily double as a set for an American drama. So much so that it is surprising, then, to discover that the whole thing has actually been filmed in Kent.

BBC director general Mark Thompson seems to be talking increasingly tougher these days, and it’s not surprising really. In the current frosty climate sweeping through the broadcasting industry like an arctic blizzard, the BBC is going to have to get fitter and leaner if it’s going to survive to next decade or so.

So I’m quite encouraged by Thompson’s speech at the QE2 conference centre yesterday, reported on in more detail by Matt over in the news section. I’m particularly buoyed by his comments on the thorny subject of talent and how much the BBC pays to keep them on the books.

We will continue to compete to retain a handful of top artists because the British public want the BBC to bring them the best original entertainment. But again – as with acquisitions, as with sports rights – sometimes we will walk away.

This is a definitely a saber rattle in the right direction. I’m still firmly behind the Corporation’s decision to turn its back on the unreasonable financial demands to keep Neighbours on BBC1 for a few more years, and this pledge on star salaries is also encouraging.

While a couple of key stars are a necessity in any broadcaster’s framework, it should all come down to value for money, especially in licence fee terms. I want to see what I’m getting for my money up on screen and I want to see the said talent working like a dog for me. For example, is Jonathan Ross really worth his reported £6 million a year deal? Or is Graham Norton doing enough to justify £5 million for a three-year deal?

Norton possibly just pips Ross – after a couple of shaky years, he seems to have find a comfortably successful niche in BBC light entertainment, although a more successful chat slot could probably be found. Ross, on the other hand, seems to mess about on fringe projects with limited appeal. Film might be an institution, but it’s never been a top-flight element of BBC output, and other projects seem to indulge his fringe hobbies, like Japanese film. Having said that, Ross’s Radio 2 Saturday morning show is a fixture in my house, so I can’t be too down on him.

Hopefully, with the BBC forced to tighten its belt and adopt a new stance for the future, we’ll see less pandering to the same old faces and perhaps a look to finding new talent. If there’s no investment in discovering raw, new (and undeniably cheaper) talent, how on earth is anybody going to find the next Ant and Dec? Or Timmy Mallet?

The BBC has just released this photo (click for a larger version), the first from the set of the Doctor Who Christmas Special, Voyage of the Damned. Guest starring Kylie Minogue as “Astrid”, recent reports indicate that Clive Swift (Keeping Up Appearances, Born and Bred) and Geoffrey Palmer OBE (As Time Goes By, Fairly Secret Army, The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin) have also joined the cast. Both are Who veterans: Swift was in 1985’s Revelation of the Daleks, while Palmer guest starred in Doctor Who and the Silurians in 1970, and The Mutants in 1972. Eagle-eyed viewers of Doctor Who Confidential will also know that Geoffrey Palmer’s son Charles directed four episodes of the series just gone (and a fine job he did, too).

Two photos of David Tennant in the same day? We’re really spoiling you!

Update: The BBC has confirmed some additional cast:

• Gray O’Brien (Casualty, Peak Practice, River City)
• Debbie Chazen (The Smoking Room, Tittybangbang and Russell T Davies’ Mine All Mine)
• Clive Rowe (Tracy Beaker and numerous West End shows)
• Russell Tovey (The History Boys, Annually Retentive, had a guest role in Gavin and Stacey) (thanks, Mark T!)
• Jimmy Vee (who played the Moxx of Balhoon in the DW episode The End of the World, and a pig in a spacesuit in Aliens of London)
• George Costigan (City Central and movie Rita, Sue and Bob Too)

Jessica Hynes certainly isn’t short of writing work at the moment: after yesterday’s announcement that BBC3 has commissioned a pilot of Phoo Action, a futuristic kung-fu drama that she has co-written, comes confirmation that her own comedy drama, Learners, is to be a key part of BBC1’s autumn schedule.

Bev (played by Hynes — can we stop calling here née Stephenson yet?) is a downtrodden wife who’s failed her driving test eight times. Desperate to pass, she feels frustrated by her husband Ian’s (Shaun Dingwall) approach in teaching her to drive. Inspired by glamorous driving school owner Fiona (Sarah Hadland), Bev is determined to succeed along with a group of other learner drivers. Chris (David Tennant), a devout Christian with the patience of a saint, is assigned as her instructor — and it’s not long before Bev develops a crush on him, despite his geeky appearance.

There are plenty of other treats coming up this autumn: continue reading for more…

It was the scandal that rocked the TV industry more than any other when Blue Peter was exposed as dipping a toe in the murky waters of premium phoneline sleaze. Is nothing sacred in the world? How many Blue Peter badges were flung dramatically into the sea in disgust that the name of this broadcasting bastion had been sullied?

The matter appears to have been brought to a close this week with the, some would say, controversial decision by Ofcom to fine the BBC £50,000 for breaching rule 2.11 of the Broadcasting Code

I think this is, on the whole, a positive move by Ofcom. It sends out the right kind of message to the broadcasting industry at large, not least of all because it’s the first time that Auntie has been penalised financially. It should certainly satisfy the commercial sector that the BBC isn’t being given preferential treatment just because it receives public money. But then again, you never know…

As to the level of fine, I think £50,000 is a fair slap on the wrist for an act that clearly was not motivated by any malicious intent. During the pressures of a live broadcast, somebody on the production team made a decision that they thought was the best at the time. It was misjudged, yes, but the punishment here would seem to match the crime. I still find it vaguely amusing that the complaint came in a whole three months after the incident from a parent who was visiting the studio with their child at the time.

In the end, the only losers in this situation are Blue Peter’s audience. The fall out from the phone scandal has seen the departure of series editor Richard Marson, who had arguably steered the show into a new era of popularity, having been involved in various behind the scenes roles before taking up the editorship. Marson left Blue Peter in May and moved into an executive position in the children’s department, but the BBC admitted that the timing was “not entirely coincidental”.

Only a couple of weeks after Marson’s departure was announced, it was announced that Konnie Huq would be leaving the presenting couch after ten years with the show. One can’t help but think that the phone situation may have influenced the decision of the veteran presenter.

As if that wasn’t enough, these departures all came in the month that the BBC announced the long-running series would be cut from three episodes a week to two, allowing the show to

“concentrate on more compelling and ambitious content”

Either that, or its just one less edition where there can be no embarrassing cock ups.

So, fair play to Ofcom for doing a brave thing and going ahead with the fine – some might say they could have gone further, license fee or no license fee. And for Blue Peter, it’s time to dry those eyes, keep your chin up and look to the 50th Anniversary coming up in 2008. Really, you still have a lot to celebrate.

Ever since Torchwood was recommissioned not by BBC3, but by BBC2, the younger channel has been somewhat lacking in the original drama department. That may change, however, with the commissioning of six drama pilots by the channel’s controller, Danny Cohen.

So just what are these shows all about?

The ONE Show (Monday-Friday 7pm, BBC1)

The great experiment continues as The ONE Show returns for a 12-month run. And you know, I reckon this is a Good Thing. After a reasonably encouraging initial run, any problems should have been ironed out and things should proceed smoothly. Nadia Sawalha is out, leaving the always-likeable Adrian Chiles to run the studio, with a roster of good talent making up the team of roving reporters. Fingers are crossed for a new early-evening fixture.

Fight for Life (Monday 9pm, BBC1)

A fantastic new documentary series that uses CSI-stylee special effects to go inside the human body and show what’s happening. It can be upsetting in places as this first edition focuses on the fight for life of newborn babies, but it is utterly gripping and absorbing.

Dirt (Monday 9pm, Five US)

A multi-channel debut for this intriguing show starring Courtney Cox (who is also on producing duties). Cox plays Lucy Spiller, ruthless editor of a celebrity sleaze mag who will stop at nothing to expose scandal wherever she may find out. It’s snappy and sexy, but Cox is so far removed from her Friends persona that it’s hard to warm to what is clearly an accomplished performance – a bit like Kacey Ainsworth in HolbyBlue. Ian Hart co-stars as Lucy’s paparazzo sidekick, and he’s quite brilliant. One to watch.

Holby City (Tuesday 8pm, BBC1)

Every now and then I just have to stick Holby in here for old time’s sake. It’s still as fab as ever, and tonight sees the arrival of Stella Gonet, late of The House of Eliott, as new hospital boss Jayne Grayson. I’m rubbing my hands with glee awaiting the first round of verbal sparring between Jayne and the divine Connie. I love you, Holby City.

Cape Wrath (Tuesday 10pm, C4)

A new drama series that I hope fares better than some of Channel 4’s recent entries into the genre such as Goldplated. It’s got a good pedigree, with David Morrisey starring as a father who brings his family to the sleepy suburban estate of Meadowlands. Quite what the family is running from, we’re not quite sure, but Meadowlands is far from what it seems with an air of menace hiding beneath the façade. Cape Wrath might just be a bit too clever for its own good in the end, but worth a look at this stage.

The Alastair Campbell Diaries (Wednesday 8pm, BBC2)

This should be riveting, but it’s more than likely to be a massive anti-climax as the controversial Downing Street press secretary reads excerpts from his just-published diaries that seek to lift the lid on Blair’s premiership. Considering that Tony went last week, you might think this had been timed… Oh. Hang on.

Wire in the Blood (Wednesday 9pm, ITV1)

A welcome return for an ITV long-runner that’s worth it purely for the slightly bonkers turn by Robson Green as psychological profiler Tony Hill. In that respect, it’s a bit like Waking the Dead, which is never short of entertaining thanks to Trevor Eve. I still miss Hermione Norris in the sidekick role, however good Simone Lahbib is as DI Fielding. But still, this is a good, solid crime drama.

Mock the Week (Thursday 9pm, BBC2)

Return of the always-watchable panel show where quick-witted Dara O’Briain presides over a satirical look at the week’s events. It might riff on Have I Got News For You, but I like the mix of improv you get here, and the regular panellists are always good for a laugh.

Hyperdrive (Thursday 9.30pm, BBC2)

Hmmm. A second series for Hyperdrive you say? How did that happen? It might have Nick Frost in the central role of Captain Henderson, but he looks like he’s phoning his performance in, waiting for Simon Pegg to phone with a movie role. It’s all been there, done that with Red Dwarf (and I’m still wearing the T-shirt). However much the producers might not like those comparisons, if you set a sit-com on a spaceship, they’re inevitable. Still, there’s the divine Miranda Hart on hand as First Officer Teal, and one has to wonder when this cracking actress will get her own series.

Still Game (Thursday 10pm, BBC2)

A return for one of my favourite guilty pleasures, starring Ford Kiernan and Greg Hemphill as game old fellas Jack and Victor, still living life to the full on a rough Scottish housing estate. It’s not the prettiest sitcom I the world, but the one-liners are laugh out funny, and the cast are all note perfect. Forget Hyperdrive, watch this instead!

The first research paper to be written on that rarest of breed, the British screenwriter, has been published this week. Originally it was commissioned by the UK Film Council as a response to an Institute for Employment Studies report into the under-representation of female screenwriters in the industry. But Susan Rodgers, the author of the study, was fired up to investigate when she realised that there was no data on screenwriters in the UK.

The resulting percentages, however, are not so surprising. Of the 63 screenwriters in the study, 98 per cent were white, 82.5 per cent were male, and none were a primary carer of a child or dependant with a long term illness. Interestingly, for those slaving away over spec scripts, most of the writers were approached directly and 50 per cent had a previous working relationship with the producer. On the upside, two-thirds of the writers were over the age of 46 and 72 per cent earned over £55,000. So, if you’re an older white male who knows a producer or two, get writing films. For everyone else, 77 per cent had written for television - so there’s always Doctors. Or should that be nurses?

EastEnders (Friday 8pm, BBC1)

Poor Bradley, it never goes his way, does it? Just as soon as he’s back with Stacey and plucks the courage up to ask the Slater minx to marry him, daddy Max is back on the scene to spoil his boy’s moment. As Stacey ponders her answer, Max arrives on the doorstep to tell her it isn’t over between them. EastEnders on the up? Time will tell…

The Shield (Friday 11pm, Five)

Aside from Sunday’s Dexter, this is far and away the best drama of the weekend. Thuggish hero Vic kidnaps the girlfriend of a gangster in a bid to flush the villain out of hiding in Mexico. Compelling from start to finish.

Big Brother’s Big Mouth (Friday 11.35pm, C4)

Far be it from me to recommend anything to do with the tedious waste of time that is Big Brother, tonight sees John McCririck presenting the discussion show vacated by Russell Brand. Now that’s got to be worth five minutes of anybody’s time.

Live Earth (all day, BBC1/BBC2)

I think the weather is turning me into a miserable old curmudgeon, but hot on the carbon footprint of the Diana Concert comes Live Earth. I happily condone the message of this concert, there are some good acts on, but really, the timing could be a bit better. So I shall be grinning and bearing it (and making sure I don’t overfill the kettle).

CSI: NY (Saturday 9.10pm, Five)

A somewhat bizarre episode of the third CSI variant that’s sees John McEnroe guest-starring as… John McEnroe, Um… okay. The former Wimbledon ace is under suspicion when it seems he was the last person to see a murder victim alive. CSI doesn’t have the monopoly on mad episodes, but this is madder than most – if not timely considering Wimbledon comes to an end this weekend.

The Thick of It: Rise of the Nutters (Saturday 9.30pm, BBC2)

Simply brilliant. This is a welcome terrestrial showing for the political comedy’s Christmas special that, rather than suffering from Chris Langham’s absence, allows it to grow in new directions. Malcolm Tucker, surely one of the greatest characters of modern comedy, spins his way through both Labour and opposition chicanery on immigration policy, always trying to be the guy on top. It’s beautifully realised and sharp as a razor, and it makes one long for a return of the series proper. For more of the same, you can catch a repeat of the new special that aired earlier this week, on BBC4 at 10.30pm.

Dead Head (Saturday 10pm, Sky Arts)

A dusting off for this controversial BBC thriller for the first time since its broadcast 20 years ago. Denis Lawson stars as a small-time villain who comes under the scrutiny of the security services, with Lindsay Duncan and George Baker rounding out the cast.

The Commander (Sunday 9pm, ITV1)

Amanda Burton returns as Lynda La Plante’s tough police commander, Clare Blake. It’s actually nice to see a series of hour-long episodes as opposed to the usual feature-length affairs so beloved of the TV crime genre. Blake is called in to oversee a sensitive case as a child’s body is found branded with a cross at a psychiatric hospital. Going completely against character, Blake doesn’t jump into bed with the first suspect she claps eyes on.

Dexter (Sunday 10pm FX)

Based on the books by Jeff Lindsay, Dexter is one of the most alluring US imports to hit these shores in many a year. Michael C Hall, late of Six Feet Under, takes a different direction as Dexter, a forensic scientist by day, a calculating serial killer by night. But wait! It’s okay to like this killer as his victims are murderers themselves, albeit ones who Dexter feels have escaped justice. It’s a brilliant concept, made all the more so by Hall’s engaging performance.

In a festival dominated by collaboration and script improvement, writer David Hare (dressed in soft dove grey, fashionistas) pulled the ink from our collective printers. ‘Input has reached the stage that spin has for the Labour Party,’ he twinkled.

We should have known. The session, after all, was titled Input And Where To Put It. As producers laughed along with writers (many of whom nurse long held and active grudges against the former) David explained that really, if someone doesn’t have a legitimate investment in a writer’s script, why listen? The best notes, he expanded, tell a writer what the problem is, not how to find the solution.

He also exploded the myth of the script doctor/editor. ‘There’s a myth that people can fix films — there’s only people who can write.’ Go David! He went on to say that when adapting the script of his own play My Zinc Bed for HBO, he didn’t receive a single note. And the process took two years. In a company alive with executives whose job spec it is to give writers notes, and lots of them, it’s an extraordinary revelation.

But then, David Hare is an extraordinary writer. After all, how many playwrights just have to turn up to play to a packed house?

Linda Gibson is the Television Editor for TV Quick and tvchoice. Her television credits include co-writing Rhona, and working on Linda Green and Smack The Pony. She is reporting on the International Screenwriters’ Festival for TV Today.

Successful screenwriters look away now. A survey quoted by Dr Raj Persaud in his talk on Writer’s Block threw up (more on that later) an interesting statistic. While actors who won an Academy Award lived four years longer than actors who had been merely nominated, screenwriters lived four years less than their nominated colleagues.

This doesn’t automatically mean all writers are morbid and self-involved, although there are statistics to prove this too. Instead, writers may suffer from procrastination, be afraid to take risks, have conflicting goals and/or suffer from a fear of failure. All will keep a successful (and aspirational) writer in his or her garret far longer than necessary.

Small mundane steps can help a writer unblock. The Swiss Cheese approach advocates taking one small step at a time — a page a day, for example, rather than a whole script. It can also work to help binge writers, or bulimic workers, who only produce huge amounts at one time, then fall fallow. But motivation is once again a huge issue in solving writer’s block. If you want to impress the literary world with your latest script, chances are you won’t be rich and famous. Work out what you want and keep in mind Dr Persaud’s closing quote from Proust:

Everything great in the world is produced by neurotics.

Linda Gibson is the Television Editor for TV Quick and tvchoice. Her television credits include co-writing Rhona, and working on Linda Green and Smack The Pony. She is reporting on the International Screenwriters’ Festival for TV Today.

The room is packed and everybody is ready. We are about to learn what makes a Perfect Scene.

Hitting the high notes takes practice, as Simon van der Borgh admits. These days he only notices if his scene feels flat. First, whose scene is it? Second, what do they want? (The Maslow hierarachy works here, whereby hunger and shelter are primary. Visiting an art gallery is much, much later.) What’s the question (every character should have one)? What obstacles are put in their way? Finally, what’s the twist? The twist should lead into the next scene. If you do this every single scene, you’ll have a script that pops, crackles and hopefully gets commissioned.

After all, it isn’t only actors who should be asking, ‘What’s my motivation?’

Linda Gibson is the Television Editor for TV Quick and tvchoice. Her television credits include co-writing Rhona, and working on Linda Green and Smack The Pony. She is reporting on the International Screenwriters’ Festival for TV Today.

Scott’s piece on the new (and very welcome) writing competition launched by Tony Jordan’s Red Planet Pictures reminded me that I haven’t taken much opportunity to discuss the recomissioning of HolbyBlue, and the return of Holby City to its rightful Tuesday home.

We’ve been quite down on HolbyBlue from the start. The first episode was a cliché-ridden disaster with some duff casting decisions and bizarrely clunky dialogue. The Holby tag didn’t do the series any favours and I imagine the series that made it to screen was not quite what Tony Jordan envisioned when it was floated to Them Upstairs at the Beeb.

Then there was the thorny subject of moving Holby City from Tuesday 8pm, a slot it has occupied for more years than I care to remember, to Thursday, giving HolbyBlue free reign on a Tuesday. Who’s half-cocked idea was that? Surely the BBC doesn’t think audiences are stupid (answers on a postcard please)? Did somebody really think that because audiences like Holby City, if we stick ‘Holby’ in the name of the new show and dump it in the same slot, they might not notice?

Holby is not a brand. It’s a fictitious location where two BBC shows happen to be set, Casualty and Holby City possessing their own distinct personalities. Personally, I hate Casualty and adore Holby City, but whatever the audience demographic, they are both hospital shows. It doesn’t equate that the audience for Holby City is going to be bang on for a police drama.

And guess what, they weren’t, with around 2 million walking away from Holby City’s usual audience of around the 6 million plus mark. The schedule juggle also had a negative effect on the fortunes of Holby City, barely netting 5 million in its new Thursday slot.

The overnight ratings for the last two episodes of HolbyBlue were as follows:

• 19/6/07 – 4.4 million
• 26/6/07 – 4.6 million

Holby City’s final rating in the Thursday slot was:

• 28/6/07 – 5 million

but just look what happened when DI Keenan departed and Holby City was admitted back to its usual Tuesday slot:

• 3/7/07 – 6.1 million

So the notion of nudging shows around the schedule clearly had a downward spiral on the audience fortunes of a reliable ratings performer. It’s conceivable that HolbyBlue would have garnered exactly the same ratings in the Thursday slot, but as it is, the BBC suffered 8 weeks of a show underperforming in a timeslot with the associated reduced audience share. It all adds up…

Oops. Was there any need for that to happen? A resounding no, I think.

The ratings for HolbyBlue would probably have been enough for cancellation at one point, but it’s disturbing that figures hovering around the four million mark are starting to look vaguely healthy in the multi-channel age.

But I am glad that HolbyBlue has been recommissioned (sort of). I’m against immediate binning just because something underperforms, and the longer 12-episode run should give room for the HolbyBlue team to develop the format and iron out the kinks.

However, I’m still left mystified over this quote from HolbyBlue executive producer Karen Wilson on the news the series had been renewed:

… We are so pleased that audiences have really taken to DI Keenan and the team at Holby South police station.

Who writes your press releases? Alistair Campbell? I know what I’d like to take to DI Keenan, but it’s thoroughly unprintable.

I’ve watched Bambi’s mother die (offscreen), Woody from Toy Story II be thrown into the broken toy bin, and boy has just met girl and abandoned his friends in the Jungle Book. I’m an emotional wreck, but the point that Sarah Smith from Aardman Animations wants to make is that as a writer of animation, there’s no need to talk down to a young audience. ‘Kids know about loss, fear and death,’ she says.

Sarah’s seminar is on British Comedy Abroad, and Aardman is the perfect example. As she points out, Nick Park created in Gromit the classic British hero — and he doesn’t even speak. Also, as Sarah highlights, it isn’t mothers who tell children what they are going to watch, it’s often the other way around. The trick, if there is one, is to keep your own voice while creating a universal story. The Wrong Trousers saw Gromit leaving home because Wallace had taken another pet. It’s a fear that children and grandparents can relate to — who wants to be cast aside for someone new?

Nick Park, she reveals, is reported to have based the character of Wallace on his dad. In this scenario, Nick is Gromit. The stories that he tells then become personal but universal at the same time. And, of course, don’t forget that the jokes have to come from character. Afterall, Toy Story II is about death, but it also has Mr Potato Head in it. Now that’s funny.

Linda Gibson is the Television Editor for TV Quick and tvchoice. Her television credits include co-writing Rhona, and working on Linda Green and Smack The Pony. She is reporting on the International Screenwriters’ Festival for TV Today.

The news for writers from the International Screenwriters’ Festival in Cheltenham is that the money is in television. David Kavanagh, here on behalf of the Federation of Screen Writers in Europe, was on the panel for the Writers Health Check and he readily pronounced Britain’s television industry healthy.

Primarily, he suggests, it’s because of the BBC and its commitment to quality drama. “Although most writers want to work in feature films, most of them are working in television,” he wryly noted. For budding writers David suggests the acknowledged route for first timers and beginners is still the best: “Get an episode of Casualty or Doctors.” Quite how to grab one of these elusive beginner crowns is still down to hard work and networking, one suspects.

Nevertheless, it’s easier than getting a film up if the experience of the audience and panel is anything to go by!

Linda Gibson is the Television Editor for TV Quick and tvchoice. Her television credits include co-writing Rhona, and working on Linda Green and Smack The Pony. She is reporting on the International Screenwriters’ Festival for TV Today.

A few scintillating details have crept out over the last few days about another possible addition to the EastEnders cast.

Actress Michelle Collins, who played devious harridan Cindy Beale in the 1990s, apparently revealed recently that a girl in her daughter’s school class had auditioned the role of Cindy’s youngest daughter who, in soap world, is living with her aunt and grandmother in Cornwall following Cindy’s off-screen death in 1998:

What’s really strange is that one of the girls in my daughter’s class was up for the part of my daughter in EastEnders and I was like ‘well I haven’t got a daughter’…I didn’t even remember I had a daughter.

Then I suddenly remembered that I died in child birth and my daughter survived, so that obviously is the daughter. So I don’t know if that’s part of the story but no-one’s asked me. Perhaps they should ask me first?

It seems to me that this plot development is likely to be related to another one, in which it was alleged that Cindy would be returning from the grave:

A BBC insider told The Sun: “It starts when Lucy gets emails from her mum but then things get sinister. Ian finds a message reading ‘I’m back’ scrawled on the mirror and the room smells of Cindy’s perfume.

“Then he is sent a picture of her — looking older than when she supposedly died. Eventually he receives a message asking him to meet her — at her grave.”

Sounds spooky (although not quite as far-fetched as the telepathic twins).

If Cindy’s daughter (also, conveniently, called Cindy) was born in 1998, that would make her what, nine years old? Is it inconceivable that a nine-year-old might torment an older half-sister and her mum’s ex-husband in such a way? If so, then surely the apple wouldn’t be falling far from the tree. And it would be far more believable than other suggestions that Cindy did not die at all, but had her death faked so she could enter a witness relocation programme (thus enabling Michelle Collins to reprise her role). Bringing a presumed dead character back from the grave? That worked so well last time round, didn’t it? Still, at least we could hope that Ms Collins wouldn’t indulge in saucy webcam chats.

So, we must hope that the only Cindy returning to the soap will be the daughter. And if Cindy Junior is to make a reappearance, would she be bringing her Cornwall family with her? It would be nice to see Nicola Cowper, the much under-rated actress who played Cindy’s sister Gina, join the show. Although, since Rosie Miller left some time ago, we’d be unlikely to see Nicola play opposite her older sister Gerry Cowper…

Regular readers will know that there’s little TV Today love for the recently-departed HolbyBlue, BBC1’s latest police show addition to the Holby franchise. Which is a shame, because the creative team behind the show are all the sort of people whose work we generally adore.

Well, anybody who thinks they can do better now has the opportunity to prove it, because the show’s creator, Tony Jordan, is launching a screenwriting competition.

Named the Red Planet Prize (managed, as it is, by Jordan’s company Red Planet Productions), entrants should supply the first ten pages of a script by September 1 to redplanetprize@redplanetpictures.co.uk. Entries will be read by a panel of judges including Jordan, Stephen Fry, Mark Gatiss, and BBC head of drama commissioning Julie Gardner.

Those who impress the panel will be asked to provide a full script, with six writers chosen to spend the day with Jordan, co-creator of Life on Mars and EastEnders’ former chief storyliner, as he whittles the competition down to one.

The Stage’s Matt Hemley spoke to Jordan, who told him:

I know what it is like for new writers. They send these scripts out and they get stacked up against a wall somewhere and never read. All most writers want is for someone to read their work properly. It is really heartbreaking and soul destroying to not get a response when you send your work out.

I know there is new talent out there and the only way to find it is by doing something like this. My dream is to find a writer no one else knows about, who has written a script that is gobsmackingly brilliant, commission it and get it made.

The winner will walk away with £5000, a commission to pen a script for Red Planet, and agent representation.

Phew! It’s been a busy day in Whovian despatches, but if the news that a festive Kylie for the Time Lord wasn’t enough for the fans, we now have an embargo lifted on the news that Catherine Tate will be returning for the full 13 episodes of Season 4 as Donna, the character she played in the 2006 Doctor Who Christmas Special

Which is, erm… nice.

On the one hand, brilliant! She’s a fantastic actress. On the other, I’ll reserve judgement. As a one off sidekick for a festive special, Donna was a just what the Doctor ordered (ahem). As a full time companion, her character is going to have to go through quite a transformation to make her remotely likeable for a 13 week slog.

That being said, Russell T Davies and his team have shown on many occasions that they clearly know what they’re doing, so I’m not going to start doubting them now.

Opinions on both sides of the argument for Donna returning (or not) will no doubt surface over the coming days…

Today saw the publication of the BBC’s annual report, which summarises how the Corporation has performed, both artistically and financially, over the last twelve months.

This is, of course, the first annual report after Charter review, and the first with the BBC Trust in place of the old Board of Governors. Because the BBC’s operations are now governed by a range of service licences, the financial details of how the BBC reports its expenditure have been adjusted to match. For the main channels, that means that the costs of distribution, infrastructure and other support services are included for the first time.

Last week, some of the quality papers with a history of BBC-bashing used this change in accounting to their advantage. The Daily Telegraph and The Times both paint the increase as a £600m increase on last year, while grudgingly admitting that the size of the increase is mostly down to the changes in accounting practice.

Notably, they are less interested in factoring in the size of BBC1’s audience when discussing the amount spent on it. The cost per ‘user hour’ of BBC1 is just 7p, up from 2005/6’s 6p. On that scale, BBC1 actually costs less than BBC3 (16p), BBC4 (21p), CBBC (15p), BBC News 24 (12p), BBC Parliament (24p), the BBC website (16p), and radio channels Radio nan Gàidheal and Radio Cmyru (both 9p).

I’m not completely sold on the concept of a “user hour” as a viable metric, but it does at least put expenditure on some sort of level playing field from service to service. What would be interesting is if someone could measure, say, Sky’s channel costs on a similar measure. With the monthly costs of a Sky subscription being far in excess of the monthly licence fee, I wonder whether the Murdoch-owned Times would report the costs of Sky channels with the same gusto it reserves for its BBC stories?

Matthew Hemley has more on the BBC Annual Report in our News section:

• BBC criticised for lacking innovation
• BBC increases drama output

After months of speculation and tabloid scuttlebutt, it was finally made official in the early hours of this morning that the Pop Princess herself, Kylie Minogue, would indeed be stepping back in time to guest star in this year’s Doctor Who Christmas Special. It is widely believed that Doctor Who fandom itself was engulfed in a storm of glitter and tinsel shortly afterwards…

I for one think this is a masterstroke of casting, especially coming out of the disappointing season finale last weekend. Talk about a way to generate column inches from now until December, and almost certainly guarantee a rating of 10 million plus come the day itself.

My one reservation is that it’s something of a slap in the mouth to Freema Agyeman, who has earned her place in the fun-fest that has been previous Christmas specials. Still, I imagine they’ll let her on set to have a picture taken with Kylie.

Kylie’s casting has elicited typical responses from the Who fan community, with opinions ranging between what a terrible piece of stunt casting this is to some being unable to speak as they’re too busy squeeing (squee being a disturbing new phenomenon among cult TV fans which I’m loath to go into more detail here. For physical evidence of an actual squee, go here).

Amongst the discussion of Kylie’s casting is a more troublesome problem for some fans. How can Kylie appear in Doctor Who as another character when the singer herself has actually been mentioned as one of the new series’ frequent pop cultural references? This might require a Father Ted style explanation of the difference between a fictional TV series and the real world. Sorry guys…

Of course, Doctor Who in both incarnations has had flirtations with casting outside the box, not least of all the appointment of Dame Billie Piper to the role of Rose Tyler. The fans were crying foul before any footage had even been shot, and can’t say I blamed them at the time. Thankfully, it all worked out better than anyone could possibly have imagined.

Since then we’ve had fun cameos from Davina McCall, Trinny and Susannah and Anne Robinson, quickly followed by Peggy Mitchell (no, really), Tricia Goddard and Derek Acorah. The penultimate episode of series three served up turns from Sharon Osbourne, Anne Widdecombe and, erm… McFly.

Let’s not leave the classic series out in the cold though. The 1979 Tom Baker story City of Death featured an inspired cameo by John Cleese and Eleanor Bron as two art critics who are enraptured as they watch the TARDIS dematerialise, assuming it to be a piece of art. It’ll be on YouTube if you look hard enough…

In the 1980s, colourful Who supremo John Nathan-Turner was always keen to compare his sci-fi drama to The Morecambe and Wise Show as actors were always desperate to do it. Aside from some decent and leftfield names like Richard Todd, Mary Morris, Alexei Sayle, Kate O’Mara, Nerys Hughes and Richard Briers, there were two cameos that got the fans dander up and no mistake…

Ken Dodd popped up in the 1987 story Delta and the Bannermen, but it was Hale and Pace that boggled the mind somewhat in Sylvester McCoy’s 1989 swan song, Survival where they turned up as dour shopkeepers.

There were a few that got away over the years… The Z Cars cast were supposed to pop up as their characters in the episode broadcast on 25 December 1965 (incidentally the only episode to be shown on Christmas Day until 2005), but Z Cars producers nixed the idea. Similarly, a rumoured crossover that would have seen the Doctor encounter Blake from Blake’s 7 in a random corridor was extinguished by nervous BBC chiefs. And if you can believe it, the august Larry Olivier was reportedly interested in a role back in 1985, but terms couldn’t be agreed.

My personal favourite bit of out of the box casting from Doctor Who was Beryl Reid’s turn as leather clad Captain Briggs in a Peter Davison story from 1982, that featured the immortal line:

“You’re pointing your gun in the wrong direction, mister!”

delivered with typical gusto from the veteran actress. But it could have been even better – rumours abound from the time that Nathan-Turner originally approached Corrie legend Pat Phoenix to fill the role. Now how fab would that have been? (in my head, it’s brilliant!).

But as for Kylie, I look forward to her Voyage of the Damned aboard the good ship Titanic come Christmas Day. It’s going to be a riot. I had a whole a raft of Kylie-themed song puns all ready to go, but thought I’d leave it for the tabloids.

This morning, ITV head honcho Michael Grade gave a speech to the Royal Television Society. After the recent scandals over premium rate telephone line usage, Blue Peter’s use of a studio visitor pretending to be a telephone winner, and tabloid reports that The Graham Norton Show fakes its OB link-ups, as well as the BBC Trust’s recent report into safeguarding impartiality, Grade is calling for a zero tolerance approach to faking it. And no, we don’t mean the now-defunct Channel 4 show.

In his speech, the transcript of which is now on the RTS website, he says:

I am not talking about the accepted grammatical devices of television, of the cutaways that shorten time, or reconstructions that are properly labelled as such. Similarly, if the audience is in on the act, then I have no problem. No one thinks that the illusionist is actually going to saw the lady in half. Fiction is understood for what it is, though I have been regularly astounded — from the death of Grace Archer onwards — by the evidence that some fans apparently feel real grief when their favourite soap characters are killed off! No, what I am concerned with is deliberately misleading audiences. It should never happen. And what I am advocating is a ‘zero tolerance’ approach to it.

I was Director of Programmes at LWT during the heyday of televised wrestling. It purported to be a sport, albeit one with outrageous and colourful contestants. In fact it was highly rehearsed, and we casually assumed an open secret with the audience: not real sport, but entertainment. Nearly thirty years on, and I’m not quite so sure about that. I don’t know, looking back through the mists of time whether the readings on Hughie Green’s “clapometer” had any factual basis at all. Some years later it was alleged that when contestants on Blind Date were offered envelopes which apparently offered them a choice of three or four different holiday destinations there were at most only two, so the second couple had no choice at all. If that is true (and I don’t know if it was) then it was a fix, or to put it bluntly, a deceit perpetrated on the contestants, and on the audience.

I’d really recommend reading the full speech, as Grade makes a lot of sense.

The trouble is, just how do you identify when the audience really is in on the act? For instance, I’d always assumed (rightly or wrongly) that the OB segments of the Graham Norton Show were completely set up — everything ran too smoothly, and the people he ‘ran into’ acted a little too much like, well, actors in character as ‘real people’. How many others thought the same, though? And what proportion of savvy viewers would be needed such that, if those segments are set up as the People suggests, it’s okay because the audience are in on the joke?

Similarly, on nearly all studio-based cookery programmes, the chef will prepare a dish, slam it in the oven and pull out one they prepared earlier. It may look delicious, but how long has it been sitting in the oven? Is it even still warm? In a lot of situations, I’m pretty sure the answer would be “no”. Should we be told if that’s the case? Would we even want to be told?

Are we ready for the death of the Blue Peter catchphrase, “Here’s one I made earlier”? Somehow “Here’s one that someone who knows what they’re doing made earlier, because I’m a complete klutz and could never manage it myself”, while being more honest, seems a whole lot less fun…

EastEnders (Monday 8pm, BBC1)

A bit of comedy tonight from Walford as The Queen Vic reopens after a refurb, and Peggy isn’t happy with the turnout. Just where on earth have all her customers gone? A topically comical storyline keys into yesterday’s smoking ban, putting Peggy and Pat at loggerheads again. Is the ‘Enders rediscovering a lightness of touch? Probably not…

Empire’s Children (Monday 9pm, C4)

This is the sort of thing Channel 4 needs to be making more often. Good, solid documentary fare with a bit of human interest and a celeb angle. Of course, Empire’s Children is Who Do You Think You Are? in all but name, but that doesn’t make it any less interesting as Diana Rigg goes back to her roots in colonial Britain.

Shrink Rap (Monday 11.05pm, C4)

A terrestrial run for the psychology show in which Pamela Connolly gets various celebs on the couch. Interesting in a dull kind of way, the first show sees Sharon Osbourne revealing her innermost.

Holby City (Tuesday 8pm, BBC1)

Holby City, back where it should be on a Tuesday. Lets just hope that DI Keenan and the walking clichés of Holby Blue haven’t dented the ratings too much and the million and a half who buggered off come back.

The Thick of It (Tuesday 9pm, BBC4)

A timely special of the still Langham-less comedy that’s sees Peter Capaldi’s energetically sweary Malcolm spinning his socks off to make sure he ends up in the right camp in the wake of the PMs departure. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant – let’s hope it won’t be long before we see a return of the series proper once Chris Langham’s trial is done and dusted this summer.

Sensitive Skin (Tuesday 10pm, BBC2)

I love the sedate quality inherent within Sensitive Skin. It’s not quite gentle – there’s too much darkness hidden within the delicious dialogue, but Joanna Lumley strolls through the world with graceful ease. Tonight, Davina is dragged to a feminist retreat by a feisty (and annoying) new friend (Maureen Lipman).

The Real Cherie Blair (Wednesday 9pm, BBC1)

At last, Cherie gets some attention now that some of the furore of her hubby’s departure from Number 10 has died down. I find Cherie fascinating, and suspect that much of the bad publicity she’s suffered is down to a rabid press who couldn’t help but go for the jugular. The documentary, helmed by Fiona Bruce, has good access to Cherie’s private life which provides a more honest appraisal than some of the other Blair documentaries.

Taggart (Wednesday 9pm, ITV1)

A brand new Taggart is always something to look forward to, and the fact it’s still running more than a decade after the death of Mark McManus is a testament to the strength of the writing and cast. The team investigate a death connected to the pyramid scheme Pinnacle. Finance and murder always go well together.

The Bill (Thursday 8pm, ITV1)

Another soap refugee washes up on rthe shores of Sun Hill as Ali Bastian, formerly of Hollyoaks, joins the ranks. It’s a good storyline, centring on a cop killer who has a vendetta against Britain’s most famous cop shop, but it’s hard to take Bastian seriously – it’s just Becca in unform.

The Graham Norton Show (Thursday 10pm, BBC2)

Cagney and Lacey, together again! Graham Norton provides a feat of TV alchemy and reunites Tyne Daley and Sharon Gless back together, but I do wonder at why Natalie Imbruglia is on the show. Half an hour just isn’t long enough to interview these two legendary actors and I hope Graham doesn’t mess about to much and gets to the point.

My Name is Earl (Thursday 10pm, C4)

It’s Thursday, it’s 10pm, it’s Earl. Where else are you going to be?

Oh dear, where to start reviewing the finale of what has undoubtedly been the best series of Doctor Who… The Last of the Time Lords left me feeling a bit empty. It’s like plunging your fork into a great looking pie that turns out to be all flaky pastry and no meat.

Or something.

After last week’s tremendous opener, it seems that The Last of the Time Lords just ran a little bit too fast for the director to keep up with. The first 20 minutes or so had me grimacing at some of the excess on display, and I’m getting tired of waiting for the final reel to get to the real heart of an episode. I’m starting to feel a bit cheated by what’s on offer.

So what’s the Master up to? I’m not quite sure. While for once its nice to see him actually ruling a planet and being triumphant, and it doesn’t amount to a great deal and he seems to spend his days dancing around his bedroom. The Earth is now a downtrodden planet full of slums and slaves, it would have been nice to see the Master stepping out onto a balcony to play the tyrant once in a while and connect him to the world he’s enslaved. But no, we spend a lot of the episode pratting around on the not particularly grand looking bridge of a flying aircraft carrier. It’s a little bit constraining.