In the wake of last week’s very serious and earth shattering revelations about a sustained battery of deception from the BBC (translation: not really), yet more lies and untruths have been unearthed going back decades into the history of the corporation. TV Today has launched a probing investigation to bring you the truth behind the lies. Readers of a nervous disposition might want to go and watch Loose Women instead…
Crackerjack
Declarations by the final host of the popular children’s variety show, Stu Francis, that he felt like jumping off a doll’s house, were misleading, BBC chiefs have revealed. Mr Francis has since admitted that he had no intention of performing said act. The grapes, however, were another matter.
Holby Blue
Holby Blue was a tense, revealing insight into the pressures of modern policing. A later examination of time-shifted recordings using a piece of string and some cheese have revealed that Holby Blue was, in fact, a load of old clichéd nonsense.
How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?
Despite the casting of one Connie Fisher in the role of Maria in Andrew Lloyd Webber’s new production of The Sound of Music, nobody can actually recall any answer to the question being given by the corporation. “I watched for ten weeks,” said a Mrs Trellis from North Wales, ‘And I’m still waiting to find out.”
My Family
Despite appearances to the contrary, TV Today has learned that Robert Lindsay isn’t related to any members of the cast. “Lindsay and Wanamaker, they don’t even sound the same! My Family? My…” fumed one irate viewer. “I bet he isn’t even a dentist. You wouldn’t get this sort of tomfoolery in Heartbeat!”
Multi-Coloured Swap Shop
A long disused room has been found in the bowels of TV Centre full of old Etch-a-Sketches, Mr Frosty sets and boxes of Ker-Plunk! with no marbles. Some vague investigations by TV Today spies within the corporation have unearthed fairly tenuous evidence that these are the remnants of incomplete swaps from the legendary children’s show. Police are now looking to question a shifty looking bearded bloke with writing on his hands who was seen hanging around outside the room in about 1981.
The Archers
It might be an everyday story of country folk, but this BBC institution has never had an everyday country animal in the studio. “We’ve always used an animal impersonator,” an insider told TV Today. It is rumoured that former Blockbusters host Bob Holness has been employed by BBC Birmingham for his cow mimicry skills since 1997.
Hancock’s Half Hour
A thorough investigation into the archives has shown that this giant of TV legend was based on a lie from the outset. “Most episodes come in at about 28 minutes,” a Hancock enthusiast told TV Today. “I’m still in shock at this revelation,’ he later admitted in a Little Chef at Watford Gap. It is expected that the BBC will have to pay out millions to disgruntled licence fee payers claiming back the missing minutes.
TV Today will keep our loyal readers up to date with more devious BBC manipulations as and when we get them. Either that, or we’ll just tell you how great Heroes is for the next 24 weeks.
