August 2007 Archives

Earlier today, I was at the UK press launch of Disney’s High School Musical 2, which was great fun. A lot of the stuff that I got from there will form part of a double feature in next week’s print edition, but it was a conversation I had with two of the big suits, Rob Gilby (Disney Channel UK MD) and Gary Marsh (President, Entertainment, Disney Channel Worldwide), that turned out to be the most fortuitous.

As I’ve written in our exclusive news story, both men were adamantly in favour of selling their shows for download via Apple’s iTunes service. The ability to download shows via iTunes has been available in the US for some time now, but only came to the UK this week. Disney Channel, as well as the Disney-owned ABC network, are selling a number of series through the store. Unlike some of the VOD services through Channel 4, Sky and the BBC, which are rental services that only allow you to view your purchases for a short length of time, iTunes purchases are yours to keep. They’re still limited by DRM code that prevents you from sharing your purchases with others, but the service is one of the most reliable I’ve used. And it works on my Macs, too…

But I digress. The reason both Gilby and Marsh were so positive was that they see iTunes as fitting their viewers’ needs. Says Gilby:

I’ve had my video iPod for ages, and I haven’t been able to get my own Disney shows on there. Now I can get them all.

Giving people a choice of where and when and how they access our programming is important to us. If they want it on their iPod, we’re going to give it to them on their iPod.

Obviously with less than a week of data, Gilby didn’t want to commit to judging how sales were progressing so far, but Marsh was able to provide a US perspective, where sales have been running for much longer:

I can speak for the model from the US perspective, where our shows have been on [iTunes] for quite some time. Routinely, Hannah Montana and the Suite Life of Zach and Cody have been in the top fifteen shows that have been selling episodically. Concurrent with that, we’ve never had higher ratings. For the last five months, we’ve had our highest months ever. Clearly the availability of these programmes, if anything, is helping the linear channel.

Compare this approach with that of NBC Universal, which has announced that it will not be renewing its iTunes contract when it expires in December, ostensibly in a dispute over pricing policy. Apple wants a one-price-fits-all price scheme which makes it easy and understandable for users; NBCU wants to be able to charge different rates for different shows, possibly incorporating special deals such as bundling films with TV series that share the same star.

Currently, NBCU shows account for some 40% of US TV sales on iTunes, so its departure may hit the store’s appeal to its users. However, I do think that iTunes’ ease of use and lack of time limits on viewing will still remain a compelling reason to use it even if NBCU doesn’t change its mind.

Of course, you may wish to point out that Disney shares a board member with Apple in the form of Steve Jobs, so that they would be unlikely to rock the boat; you’d be right. And as Disney Channel is a subscription service that doesn’t take advertising, the availability of shows on iTunes is not such a concern to them as it to NBC, whose broadcast channel is advertiser-funded.

But ultimately what they say is true: they should be putting their programmes wherever the viewers want to see them. And when they do that, their broadcast ‘linear’ channel grows. Maybe NBC Universal should bear that in mind.

Now, the next thing is to get Apple to do something about UK pricing. At £1.89 versus America’s $1.99 (roughly a quid at current exchange rates) we can’t help but feel we’re not getting great value out of iTunes UK…

Big Brother: The Live Final (Friday from 8pm, C4)

I did it! I haven’t seen one second of footage from this year’s tedious quest for hollow celebrity. If you need me, I’ll be in the corner smashing a frying pan into my face as something more interesting to do.

The IT Crowd (Friday 9.30pm, C4)

To my utmost surprise, I found myself laughing out loud at this last week, so I shall be back for more tonight. It’s still Black Books in a different setting, but cast and script seem to be gelling more than series one, which is all to the good. Moss sounds uncannily like Will Grundy off of The Archers though, which is very disconcerting.

The Shield (Friday 11pm, Five)

Sadly it’s the last in the series, so expect brutal conclusions all round as Vic must form some uneasy alliances to safeguard his position at the head of the Strike Team. Any chance we could have Mr Mackey in the Big Brother house next year? Now that would make me watch!

The X Factor (Saturday 7.50pm, ITV1)

Oh all right then, you got me. I was very dismissive of last year’s Cowell-fest, but I’m well and truly hooked this year (so that probably cancels out my Big Brother-free existence). The gang are off to Manchester, Birmingham and Cardiff to put some more poor souls through some ritual humiliation.

Eurovision Dance Contest (Saturday 8pm, BBC1)

Oh come on now, this is getting silly isn’t it? How much more can the facecloth of dance be rung out? I’m sure with Graham Norton on hosting duties, there’ll be a decent audience for this, especially in the second half when The X Factor has finished. Strictly Come Dancing’s Brendan Cole is there is one half of the couple representing the UK, and there’s a certain camp entertainment value to proceedings.

Rebus (Saturday 9pm, UKTV Drama)

With only a few days to Exit Music, what some are saying is the last of Ian Rankin’s Inspector Rebus books, it’s interesting to check out this original TV incarnation of the tortured detective. Black and Blue is quite far into the series, but it’s the book that really out the books on the map, and these adaptations are pretty fair. John Hannah might not have Ken Stott’s Rebus-esque frame, but unlike the Stott versions, the scripts don’t shy away from the fact that Rebus is a drunk and not particularly pleasant to be around. Good, solid crime drama.

Coronation Street (Sunday 7.30pm, ITV1)

Finally, the highly tedious storyline involving Ashley, Claire and the badly-acted Casey comes grinding to a halt this week, culminating in a balcony-based finale that puts little Freddie in danger. And Norris has a proposal that brings a shock for a Weatherfield veteran.

Coming Down the Mountain (Sunday 9pm, BBC1)

Mark Haddon, he of The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time, has penned this highly enjoyable and thoughtful one-off drama about the relationship between a teenager and his Down’s syndrome brother. Nicholas Hoult play his familiar role as disaffected teen David, consistently frustrated at the attention his brother receives from his parents. Hoult is great, but it’s Tommy Jessop as Ben who deserves all the praise here for a truly stunning performance. Highly recommended.

The Sopranos (Sunday 9pm, E4)

The final nine episodes of the classic US drama arrive on British shores, so enjoy them while you can. This show has been consistently brilliant, affecting, funny, thoughtful, superbly acted, written and directed, and that quality should be cherished and celebrated wherever we find it. Nine weeks of brilliance. Bliss!

As Matt has highlighted earlier this week, there’ll be no second series for Cape Wrath following disappointing ratings. This is a shame – although I wasn’t the biggest fan of the drama, it was fairly bold and inventive enough to keep me with it through the run, but it just didn’t hold an audience.

Despite this, I am very encouraged by noises being made by Channel 4’s chief programmer, Julian Bellamy, especially, his vigorous commitment to drama.

“There was a Queer as Folk era, a Teachers era and a Shameless era,”

he has been quoted as saying at the Edinburgh International Television Festival. It seems the decision to drop Celebrity Big Brother from the schedules (hallelujah!) is a step towards this new drama era, freeing up a huge chunk of the schedules in the first half of next year. The change in tack on shows such You Are What You Eat in favour of new programmes, including drama, is also sitting very well with this viewer. It’s probably too much to hope that Gillian McKeith and her miso soup will be ejected from the schedules altogether, but a man can dream, can’t he?

Channel 4 really has an opportunity here to reposition itself as an innovative scheduler of challenging and entertaining drama, and a season of 30-minute one-offs this autumn is a good move. Why not go one step further in this new era and establish a fresh Play for Today style strand? It’s time to bring back the auteur writer of the Alan Plater, Jack Rosenthal, David Hare, Alan Bleasdale and Dennis Potter mould, and this would be the way to do it.

Am I hoping for too much here that Channel 4 is looking to reposition as an innovator and leader, like it used to be back in the day? Probably, but the signals from Bellamy can only be seen in a positive light, and I’m eagerly looking forward to seeing what’s delivered.

Although if he dares to attempt dumping Ugly Betty from the schedules in a reduction of import spending, there will be trouble on it’s way from TV Today towers!

With one hand He giveth, with the other He taketh away. And so it was this morning with a report in The Sun, a bastion of truth, that David Bowie was set to guest star in the next series of Doctor Who.

Oh joy, thinks I! This could truly be a golden year for Who, especially following on from the Christmas special with Kylie. He might not the be the greatest actor in the world, but he does have a certain otherworldly charm, as seen in The Man Who Fell to Earth, and come on! It’s Bowie!

And I know I should have thought twice, given that this is coming from The Sun, but a lot of their Whovian based rumours have been pretty close to the mark on more than one occasion.

However, my bubble was cruelly burst by this statement on Bowie’s official site, claiming that the story is:

“absolute tish and tosh.”

While I think I now have a new favourite phrase, I am chronically disappointed at this debunking that one of my favourite performers will not be playing a tin machine any time soon in one of my favourite shows.

Oh well, it’s not even lunchtime and that’s one life lesson learnt already. Next!

DanceX may have finished, but that doesn’t mean that dance has gone from the Saturday night schedules: this week we see the first ever Eurovision Dance Contest. Sixteen countries are taking part, with a further eight transmitting the programme.

From the preview and discussion we were treated to at Tuesday’s press launch, the format will be a mix of Strictly Come Dancing and the Eurovision Song Contest. Each country is represented by a pair of dancers, each selected by different means. The UK’s entrants, Brendan Cole and Camilla Dallerup, were chosen by a panel. Other countries have held televised competitions to select their entrants (in a kind of Dancing Your Mind Up), while others are putting forward the pro-celebrity winners of their version of Strictly Come Dancing.

Each duo will have to dance twice, with each dance lasting no longer than ninety seconds. The first dance will be a ‘traditional’ ballroom or Latin routine, which must be one of:

• Viennese Waltz
• Waltz
• Foxtrot
• Quickstep
• Tango
• Samba
• Cha-Cha
• Rumba
• Paso Doble
• Jive

The dance has to be performed to IDSF rules, which means no lifts, no breaking of the traditional holds, and so on. Although, when I asked what would happen if a dancer broke the rules to impress the voting audience (has no-one seen Brendan on SCD before?) all I got was a shurg of the shoulders. “Each country will have a professional dancer commentating,” I was told. “They will inform the audience of any illegal moves, and it will be for them to decide.”

Seems a bit of a cop-out to me, especially since there is provision in the official rules for disqualification of any couples who don’t conform. Fingers crossed it won’t become an issue, though.

Each couple’s second dance is to be a freestyle performance, where anything goes — but the dance should reflect the national identity of their country. That’s probably going to be easier for countries with an established national style of dance. For Britain, who knows? There may be an element of morris dancing, or a highland fling or two. Presenters Graham Norton and Claudia Winkleman do know some details about Brendan and Camilla’s freestyle routine, but have been sworn to secrecy. (You can hear them give a couple of hints in the latest edition of The Stage Podcast.)

Each country will have two commentators, who must remain silent during the performances, but will speak over action replays after each dance. An EBU spokesman at Tuesday’s event described each pair as comprising “one dance expert and one entertainer” — although in the UK case, we’ll have Bruno Tonioli and Len Goodman, so we effectively have two of each.

The whole project is being produced by Splash Media (whose founders, Jane Lush and Fenia Vardanis, created Strictly Come Dancing when they were both working at the BBC) and Sunset + Vine, who are experts at producing live sporting events. Even if the event is a complete disaster (which, somehow, I doubt it will be) the BBC will be hosting a 2008 Dance Contest, and after that, the event may travel Europe as its older sibling does.

One thing does worry me. In Tuesday’s press conference, the producers were asked about provisions in place to prevent fraudulent voting. The response from Jane Lush was very dismissive. In the current climate where televoting in the UK is under scrutiny as never before, it seemed far too blasé a reaction. Bjørn Erichsen, Director of Eurovision TV, was far more serious. As with the song contest, independent auditors will be on hand scrutinising every aspect of the phone voting, and won’t release any figures until they’ve been verified. As he said, Eurovision has over fifty years of experience in collating votes from all over Europe: in essence, if they can’t get it right, nobody can.

• Eurovision Dance Contest, BBC1, Saturday 1 September, 8pm

So now that the results are in and Bruno’s team have been pronounced winners of DanceX, the promotions for the single are starting to kick off.

The song, Dancing in Repeat, is growing on me, I have to say. It’s not one of those instant dancefloor classics that will be hanging around for months and months, but it’s certainly passable. It’s currently available to buy via download sites (you can buy it from iTunes for 79p), and will be in the shops next week.

At the moment, the group don’t even have a name for themselves, with the single going out under the less-than-original name of DanceX Winners. However, when I spoke to Marie yesterday, she said that they will be getting their name soon:

It’s quite crazy, really, because when we were recording the single we didn’t know who was in the final line-up, or who was going to be releasing the single — we recorded our single a couple of weeks ago… at the moment, we’re still deciding on a name. At the moment, the first single’s going to be ‘Dance X winners’ but after that we’re going to definitely have a good name. We’ve got a few ideas at the moment, but nothing set in stone.

You can hear the full interview (which took place via the world’s worst phone line) in the new edition of The Stage Podcast. As well as talking to Marie, I chatted to Bruno (also in a very noisy location) at the launch of the Eurovision Dance Contest at City Hall last night, before sneaking out onto a much quieter balcony to natter with the Dance Contest’s presenters, Graham Norton and Claudia Winkleman.

You can download and/or listen to the MP3 file directly, or the AAC version with embedded pictures and weblinks.

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So it’s bad news for Cape Wrath fans looking for any answers as to what Meadowlands really is - and why it is in the middle of the desert. A source at Channel 4 tells me it won’t be returning for a second series. She said the show had been seen as something as an “experiment” for the broadcaster, but added audiences had not been as good as they had hoped they would be for the Ecosse production, meaning all the loose ends will have to remain untied for now.

It seems viewers weren’t enticed by the half British, half American show, which had a whiff of Twin Peaks about it and which tried its hardest to be as weird as possible. The actors did a good job too — notably Lucy Cohu as Evelyn. However, all is not lost, as the Channel 4 source said there was a new drama series in the pipeline, which will be announced shortly. Let’s hope it’s as wacky and wonderful as Cape Wrath.

Meanwhile, over on the BBC, stars of Jekyll are waiting with baited breath to hear whether they will be coming together again for a second run of the supernatural drama. Linda Marlowe, who appeared in the show as both Jackman’s mum and Ms Utterson (a casting sneakily kept secret through giving her two separate credits), told The Stage she was waiting to hear whether the show would be coming back. Those of you wanting more had better keep your fingers crossed!

And while we’re talking about drama, it has come to my attention that ITV has dropped a one-off film about the Marchioness disaster. Despite costing £2 million to make, ITV bosses had some issues about the production, including the last scene where some of the characters turn and talk to the camera directly. ITV’s outgoing head of drama Nick Elliott told this year’s Edinburgh television festival: “I don’t believe any drama I am interested in ends like that.” He also said: “I have always had certain problems about the writing and production of this film and we do not feel those creative issues have been resolved.” However, the decision not to show the drama has been criticised by relatives of those who died in the disaster and who want the programme to be broadcast. The fact it cost £2 million should be reason enough for ITV to show it. Can they really afford to waste such huge amounts of cash?

Obviously the ratings hit that DanceX suffered last week at the hands of X Factor had an impact. Not least that the ‘hero shots’ of the judges/mentors at the beginning of this week’s final even used the same music that the ITV1 show does: Nellee Hooper’s Carmina Burana-like choral prologue to Baz Luhrmann’s Romeo + Juliet. An indication, possibly, that the show’s creators have given up denying the show’s heritage as a mish-mash of numerous shiny floor talent shows from the past five years. Still, although the journey to the final may have been derivative in format, it’s still been fun to watch — and, as with all the best shows, the final turned out to be a fitting conclusion to the series.

As with all the live shows, we opened with a combined number (Don’t Stop Me Now). And despite the horrendous tin-foil outfits the dancers were forced to wear, I couldn’t help wishing that the BBC offered a third telephone number to ring, to vote to allow all ten of them to form a huge supergroup.

In a break with tradition, the weekly ‘battle’ came next, adding to the panoply of clichéd song titles with Dancin’ in the Street. Ashley and Claire were on singing duty only. From Arlene’s team, Emanuel and Daniel showed how well they worked together while their opposite numbers, Phoenix and Marcquelle, demonstrated that acrobatic ability doesn’t start and end with Daniel.

With the combined routines out of the way, we were on to each group showcasing their talents. Arlene’s team were up first, with Great Balls of Fire. For me, the highlight throughout was Chelsey, who seemed to give a natural performance throughout. In comparison, Camilla looked forced and Ashley uncomfortable. Daniel’s seemingly obligatory breakdancing was impressive, I have to admit — but as the supposed backbone of the group, Emanuel was the weak link in this dance. In summing up, Arlene revealed that a big lift involving was missed, but the group managed to cover up the mistake well. It was maybe this that led Bruno to note that they could have been slicker, and that for a jive, many had missed their steps.

Next up, Bruno’s team danced to Michael Jackson’s Black and White. And at least initially, I found the choreography to be much less interesting than that given to Arlene’s group (although, to balance this out, I often think that Team Bruno execute their moves better, especially now that Kalvin has left Team Arlene). As the more showy moves emerged, with Phoenix and Marcquelle break dancing and the girls doing some nice chair work, not to mention a perfectly executed lift, the team redeemed themselves somewhat. As the judges summed up, Arlene praised Derek’s choreography, so I guess a lot of it is down to personal taste.

In the next round, song and dance, Team Arlene sang to Britney Spears’ Toxic. Well, I say sang — the backing vocals were so far up in the mix that it was difficult to tell if any of them were actually singing a lot of the time. Dancewise, Emanuel and Chelsey executed a very difficult lift and flip. Unfortunately, Emanuel’s vocals soon proved just why the backing vocals were so high, managing to lose the key completely at one point. As with Any Dream Will Do, I suspect the studio environment is far from ideal for hearing one’s own voice, but certainly at home it sounded dreadful.

Team Bruno followed, singing (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction. Again, there was substantial reliance on background vocals, but this time they were much lower in the mix. I realise that sound mixing isn’t within the power of the groups on stage, but voters at home really need to hear the people they’re voting for. Here, the mix was good enough to allow the individuals’ personalities to come through. Also, this is where Derek’s less flashy choreography helped, meaning that the troupe could cope with both singing and dancing. Arlene thought the overall sounds was unbalanced, although Claire gave her best performance yet; Bruno praised Marie for taking notes on board. Infuriatingly, there was no hint at what those notes were.

The penultimate round saw each team revive one of their favourite routines from the show’s run. To start, Arlene’s team revived The Rhythm of Life from week 5. Shorn of its Vegas theme (which, if you recall, Bruno expressed doubts about it expressing anyway) it worked as a real showcase for the whole team, although Ashley had technical problems with her mic (or at least, its position in the mix) that was annoying, since she was so good in their first performance of this song. It was briskly followed by Team Bruno reprising Land of 1,000 Dances from week 4. Ironic, really, the both teams picked songs from weeks in which they lost — but this was certainly one of Team Bruno’s strongest efforts and, despite no longer having Daniele in support, this week’s version was just as strong. Arlene may have criticised it on its first performance as not being rock’n’roll enough, but to be honest I could have watched it for another half an hour.

The final performance from each revolved around the single Dancing in Repeat, which the winning team will release. And the groups working on the same material as each other, we got possibly the best means of directly comparing the two teams yet. For me, Emanuel highlighted that his voice does not have the strength that it could have; Marcquelle can be just as acrobatic as Daniel, but is able to blend street moves in with the rest of his repertoire; Claire has a stronger voice than Ashley — or, at least, before her mum starts having a go at me (hello, Joy!), it’s a voice that’s more suited to this type of song.

And so, after a very pleasant interlude from Rihanna (who, if her ankle injury persists, will need a high energy dance act to support her on tour), the results came in, and Team Bruno was crowned victorious. I have to say that, particularly on the performances tonight, that was the right decision — but I do hope that Arlene’s team stay as a five-piece group and develop further. After all, it worked for Liberty X…

• Previously: Week 6 / Week 5 / Week 4 / Week 3 / Week 2 / Week 1

Look out for a follow-up feature (and, fingers crossed, podcast) with the winners of DanceX in the next few days!

New Media Age magazine, which covers all things, um, new media, has a great interview with Jane Lighting, chief executive of Five, which covers a lot of ground.

Five’s been putting its toes very lightly into the video on-demand market, pretty much limiting its sales to CSI and Grey’s Anatomy. Episodes were sold on a transactional model — i.e., you pay for access for a limited period. By keeping their library quite small, it’s made it easier for them to track trends in buying, so they can see how well on-air promotions feed into sales, as well as seeing whether weekends or even the weather affect sales. Lighting sees that as being an easier transition from their existing broadcast model, which of course is ad-funded as well.

One refreshing thing to hear is that Five will be expanding its on-demand portfolio slowly, ensuring that navigation for users is kept as easy as possible. Says Lighting:

Some people are going for offering everything but actually it’s a bit difficult to make your way round it.

4oD and BBC iPlayer, take note…

The other big topic of conversation is of course viewer trust. Five has been in the frame over premium rate phone quizzes, with scandals involving Brainteaser and Quiz Call.

As an industry we’ve had a culture that the duty to the viewer was to entertain. The duty was ‘The show must go on.’ If you were watching a cabaret and a dancer’s shoe came off, she’d keep dancing. This is the culture that exists in the theatre. I think it transferred into television and it stopped at that point. People felt their biggest obligation to the viewer was to entertain at all costs. Almost all costs. And clearly, that is not the appropriate way.

But Lighting makes an important point: Ofcom goes after the broadcaster, not the programme producer, something that Richard Ayre’s report pushes even further. But the broadcast industry as a whole has been pushing more and more back onto the independent producers, so the industry is moving in one direction while the regulators go in the other:

…in fact, the report that’s just come out from Richard Eyre is taking that a stage further and is saying that even the telephony service suppliers should not be in the line of fire but the broadcaster should also be responsible for that.

Now historically, some of the independents have the direct relationship with the telephony service providers. In fact, that’s one of the ways they would make additional money themselves because they would have a deal with them. So the relationship was not between the broadcaster and those companies at all.

So we’re going to have to about-turn quite a lot of structure of our supply chain. And I personally think that we’ve got to make sure that the risk or award balance is more appropriate, that if the upside in the revenues and the rights are sitting somewhere, it’s kind of tough if all the obligations, the fines and the responsibilities sits somewhere else.

Read the full interview at New Media Age

The IT Crowd (Friday 9.30pm, C4)

Let’s make sure that every Channel 4 continuity announcer knows that it’s pronounced I.T., not It, okay? Possibly not the best comedy to come out of Channel 4, but I’m glad they kept with it as it has a good pedigree. And it’s better than Hyperdrive, so that’s a bonus in anybody’s book. It’s still not Black Books though, is it?

Ultimate Caving (Friday 9pm, BBC1)

Gwen Humble. In a cave. Ain’t TV great?

The Edinburgh Show (Friday 11pm, BBC2)

As Edinburgh begins to wind up for the year, Lauren Laverne is happily on hand to give us the wink on what else is still to be enjoyed in the Scottish capital.

Dr Who and the Daleks (Saturday 3.20pm, BBC2)

A curio for the Time Lord in this first of two big-screen outings from the 60s and starring Peter Cushing as Dr Who (sic). It’ll confuse the heck of the kids, but it’s great fun, and the Daleks in colour for the first time look fantastic.

Dance X – The Final (Saturday 8.30pm, BBC1)

This just hasn’t set me on fire in the way that Joseph, and The X Factor did last week, but a final is a final, whichever way you look at it. And there’s nary a clash with The X Factor this week, so the ratings may pick up a touch. Expect the full post-match analysis at some point from Scott.

The X Factor (Saturday 7.40pm, ITV1)

Damn you, Simon Cowell, but I am most definitely in for this new series of amateur warbling, although last week did seem to focus way too much on the nutters rather than the talent. I’m trying to work out what Dannii Minogue is bringing to the table (apart from killer cheekbones), but it’s still entertaining nonetheless. Dermot is doing fine, but the big test will be when things move into the live studio rounds. All in all, the saviour of winter Saturdays is here (the Beeb has the spring sown up with Doctor Who).

British Film Forever (Saturday 9.15pm, BBC2)

This edition of the documentary series should be something of a crowd pleaser as it looks at the history of horror in British cinema. If there’s one thing Brits did well in the movies, it was horror, and naturally, Dracula and The Wicker Man both get a look in.

The Chase (Sunday 8pm, BBC1)

Awww, the last ever episode of The Chase as it disappears from the schedules forever with not much of a fanfare. I don’t know, it just all seemed a bit too over earnest, with lots of laboured acting from Gaynor Fay and the rest of the creaky cast. Still, I’m always sad to see drama canned from the schedules, even if it hasn’t struck a chord with audiences.

Crisis at Jimmy’s Farm (Sunday 8pm, BBC2)

Although highly watchable, I find something quite depressing about Jimmy’s Farm. Everything seems all soooo difficult, and while I’m sure there are real trials to overcome, I can’t help thinking that a lot that goes wrong for pig farmer Jimmy Doherty might be laid a little thick for the sake of the cameras. Or maybe that’s just a natural suspicious streak coming out in the wake of the recent TV scandals. Four episodes catch up with the last 12 months on the farm. Oink!

The Man Who Lost His Head (Sunday 9pm, ITV1)

Ah, bless Martin Clunes, he really has made a niche out of playing curmudgeonly fish out of water, as typified in Doc Martin. I had to look twice at this to make sure it wasn’t just a Doc Martin Bank Holiday special, but no. It just looks like it is. Clunes plays a museum curator sent to New Zealand to negotiate the return of an ancient Maori mask. Could it be that he might find himself falling in love with the country and stop being such a miserable sod? Oh. Hang on.

Broadcast reports that ITV is in talks with Virgin Media about selling or leasing some of its Freeview capacity.

ITV currently broadcasts six channels on Freeview — ITV1, ITV2, ITV3, ITV4, CITV and (since the demise of dubious quiz channel ITV Play) ITV2+1. Virgin, meanwhile, is preparing to launch Virgin 1, but at the moment it only has the capacity to broadcast on Freeview from 8pm to 6am by replacing its existing Ftn channel.

What’s worrying is that, rather than selling ITV2+1, ITV is reportedly considering shutting down CITV. Coming as it does after pulling out of in-house production, it doesn’t exactly bode well for kids’ television from ITV. Mind you, with the impact on advertising revenues of the ban on junk food advertising, plus Ofcom’s refusal to allow a reduction of children’s programming on ITV1, the broadcaster’s incentive for having a dedicated channel is much reduced.

Meanwhile, the BBC is pushing for more children’s broadcasting, not less. Controller of children’s programmes, Richard Deverell, is lobbying for a dedicated CBeebies radio station, which would expand upon the 2pm-5pm slot on BBC7 that already goes out under the CBeebies brand.

Any new radio service would be unlikely to come into effect until digital switchover is complete, and would be subject to a public value test from the BBC Trust and a market impact assessment from Ofcom.

There are also calls to extend the hours of the CBBC channel, which currently closes at 7pm. However, that brings with it its own problems, as CBeebies and CBBC share Freeview channels with BBC3 and BBC4. Still, given the expense of running BBC3, giving it a 9pm start time instead of 7pm and handing two hours over to children’s television could save the Corporation quite a bit of money…

Standards are clearly slipping at Crimewatch as Fiona Bruce wantonly abandoned a strict Victorian code of values in Monday night’s edition to flagrantly flash some very shapely leg.

It must have come as a shock to some of the irate viewers (the Beeb has been ‘inundated’ with over 30 complaints) to discover that Fiona Bruce, 43, is in fact, a very attractive woman. How dare she wear a frock that shows her knees! The harlot!

Give me strength (or a rolled up magazine to administer some much needed slaps). Why is it so terrible for a presenter to make the best of their appearance? Bruce has clearly earned the respect of audiences as a serious news reader/journalist, so does it suddenly invalidate her professional credentials when she decides to glam up a bit? And look at the picture – it’s hardly FHM, is it? Oh my god, she has legs!

I don’t know about you, but when I go to work, I like to look my best - we’re human beings, we’re naturally vain creatures. And if you work in a visual medium, surely it becomes even more natural to look your best on camera. And let’s face it, Ms Bruce looked amazing on Crimewatch. Does that somehow invalidate the integrity of the journalism on display? Of course it doesn’t – I’m intelligent enough to concentrate on what she’s saying and not gibber at her knees (gasp, knees)!

Does my appreciation of Fiona Bruce make me a lecherous sexist pig, objectifying a female news presenter in a sexual fashion? No more so than half the women in my office who routinely drool over the wily charms of Dermot Monaghan on BBC Breakfast. The difference is that Dermot gets away with looking sexy in a suit with all his limbs covered up.

So I’m told.

So let’s remember, it’s not a crime to look fantastic. And I’ll support that viewpoint vociferously – at least until Huw Edwards starts cavorting on the desk in a pair of gold hot pants.

Don’t have nightmares…

In Monday’s Square Eyes, in the middle of finding an avenue for my “jealous rage” against Hugh Laurie, I also found time to highlight my current loathing for Jamie Oliver (look, I’m not really as bad tempered as I come over, okay?). Well, my distaste for the pukka tucker producer has notched up a level thanks to the news that he’s been transformed into a children’s cartoon character by Aardman Animation.

It’s not April Fool’s Day, is it? 52 episodes are reportedly to be produced, featuring Oliver as a plucky ten-year-old, teaching his young audience about the delights of food and health. All very commendable, and that outlook has always been the best thing about Brand Jamie…

But, just look at the picture accompanying the BBC report, showing “Little J” in all his line-drawn glory, which could have been drawn by Hieronymus Bosch. By all that’s holy and sainted, what is that? Jamie looks like he’s been transformed from chubby likeable wide boy into an albino 8 year old who has some major dental issues. If that wasn’t scary enough, he looks like he’s carrying a talking head of broccoli to really give the kids nightmares.

That’s not too much of a worry when compared to the cast of whacky characters assembled for Little J’s culinary adventures. There’s resident scientist, Eggs Benedict, which is a cute name, but I’m not sure about the chicken sitting on his head. That could get quite messy. Then we have Nonna, a “spiritual-cum-culinary guru” who will be Jamie’s guide on his quest. Spiritual and culinary? Richard Dawkins is going to be all over this like a rash, isn’t he?

But these are nothing compared to the warning signs given off by the notion of one of Jamie’s buddies being a depressed ham. Depressed? He looks positively joyous and well adjusted in the picture, but I can see the concept of a depressed ham becoming as popular and cherished among the nation’s children as Eeyore the depressed donkey. One assumes this singular character will be voiced by Brian Blessed on a downer?

Jamie’s desire to educate the nation’s children is, as always, commendable, but this just seems a little ill advised. It could be telling that, as yet, no channel has signed up to the series. Maybe the ham just depressed them too much…

Still, this isn’t as crazy an idea as turning Ainsley Harriott into a cartoon character, alongside Suzy Salt and Percy Pepper. Thank every deity you pray to that little project never got off the ground.

Speaking exclusively to The Stage, writer Tony Marchant (The Mark of Cain, Holding On and the forthcoming ITV1 spy thriller The Whistleblowers) has criticised most UK television dramas as “badly written and unoriginal”, blaming drama commissioners for restricting the development of imaginative and innovative scripts.

Is he right?

In recent years, we’ve had some pretty good dramas coming through. Life on Mars garnered both critical and popular acclaim. Cape Wrath fared less well on both counts, but still proved compelling for those of us who stuck with it. ITV1 has started to pick up after a few sorry years: Mobile was a slick thriller whose overlapping episodic structure kept the audience guessing throughout.

Of course there have been turkeys as well. I’m still trying to wipe all memory of The Outsiders from my brain.

I do have sympathy with his general thrust — that writers should be writing out of passion, not to order:

Are they holding back, are they giving commissioners what they think they want? Or is it simply that most writers are crap? That is what you would think if you watched television. You would have to say the vast majority of work that is put out there is badly written and unoriginal.

But is that any different from previous eras? Give us your thoughts below.

Now that Shameless has its own standing set for all its exteriors rather than being recorded on location, its makers are offering the general public the chance to muck it up a bit.

Channel 4 has set up a competition in which you can design a graffito which will be applied to the set and be featured in series 5 of the show.

Whether it’s scratched, sprawled or sprayed, we want to see what you’ve got. And don’t worry if your drawing talents are as limited as Frank’s parenting skills, you can use any programme including a graffiti maker app or even draw your artwork and we’ll get someone to create it for you when you visit the set! All we ask is that you email your entry as a jpeg. Full terms and conditions for the competition can be found here.

Closing date for entries is 6 September, with winners announced on the 17th.

As part of the new series’ prepublicity, Shameless now has a presence on several social networking sites:

• MySpace
• Bebo
• Facebook: Shameless Profile
• Facebook: Shameless Series 5 Group
• Live Spaces

If you’re on Facebook, feel free to pop along to The Stage’s group, which is growing in size every day!

Regular readers will know that I’m a big fan of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, which airs every weekday at 8.30pm on More4. Part of the fun of this “fake news show”, as Stewart describes it, are the spoof one-to-ones with foreign correspondents, who are actually standing in the same studio in front of a piece of green screen.

Except for this week, when Rob Riggle has been sent to Baghdad for a series of reports. Which makes this first report a little self-indulgent, but all the funnier for it:

Both Riggle and Aasif Madvi are my least favourite of The Daily Show’s current slew of correspondents, but with this one skit they’ve redeemed themselves in my eyes.

Below is a teaser trailer for the second season of Heroes. If you’re currently following the first season on BBC2, don’t worry — it’s so arty that it doesn’t hint at anything regarding plots of this season or the next. However, it does feature some of the faces from season one who return next year — make your own mind up whether you consider that to be a spoiler before hitting ‘play’. More discussion after the break.

I knew there had to be a reason why my anorak sense was tingling on the way to the office this morning, and it was that purveyor of quality tabloid news, The Sun, that broke the story:

“Dr Peter is back in the Tardis”

Oh yes, if this story is to be believed, Peter Davison, aka the fifth Doctor Who, will be appearing alongside David Tennant in a Children in Need special later this year. A while back, Scott highlighted the new fan phenomenon of the “squee”, and on reading this story, I came about as close to squeeing as I’m ever likely to get. Which, on the whole, is not really close at all, but you get the point.

Why the excitement? Well, if this turns out to be true (another Doctor Who actor, Sylvester McCoy, apparently let this slip on stage at a convention), it’s one of the remaining grails left for Russell T Davies to give the fans. We’ve had Daleks, Cybermen and the Master, and aside from a couple of fripperies, the fabled “multi-Doctor” event is about all that’s left.

But most of all, and apologies if I get too gushing here, it’s Peter Davison! My favourite Doctor Who. No, really, he is. While many talk in hushed tones about the mastery of Tom Baker over this most iconic TV character, or rabbit on about their fondness for Pertwee, or patronisingly tell you they were there for Billy Hartnell, nothing can ever replace your first Doctor Who in your affections.

Okay, technically, Tom Baker was my first, and I’ll concede that, by and large, he’s the best of the bunch. But he’s not my favourite and there’s a big difference. Peter Davison is the Doctor who inducted me into the shadowy world of fandom, the change from Tom Baker to Davison having a profound affect on the shiny-eyed 9 year-old sitting in front of the TV in 1981. Or it could have been indigestion.

From that day forth, I saved my pocket money to buy novelisations of the TV stories (no videos back in those days), knew intimate details about official story codes, and had a subscription to Doctor Who Monthly. Which I, um, still do. And all the while, that nice young man from All Creatures and Small was being Doctor Who.

And the reason why the news of the Children in Need special (it’ll probably be a five minute fluff piece, but I’ll take what I can get) excites me so much is that my childhood TV viewing experience has come full circle. 25 years later, my Doctor Who could be appearing alongside my nephew’s Doctor Who, and I think that’s pretty cool. A timely reminder of why I love TV so much in these increasingly dark times for the medium.

Now cue the arguments on the message boards as to whether Davison’s appearance will be “canonical” (I hate that word so much) and why didn’t they pick Paul McGann for this hoonour.. If you need me, I’ll be over here reading Doctor Who and the Caves of Androzani with a silly grin on my face.

Oh dear. The ratings for DanceX, which had been struggling, really plummeted this week, as X Factor returned to storm the Saturday night schedules — only managing to scrape 2.7 million viewers against Simon Cowell’s juggernaut, which peaked at 10.7 million. Still, I know which I found more enjoyable, and it wasn’t the site of no-hopers being ritually humiliated (and behind-the-scenes footage being ‘reshot’). Those of us still watching on BBC1 saw two teams of dancers that seemed more evenly matched than ever before.

The theme for this week’s semi-final was Disco, and commenced with all eleven dancers grooving to Boogie Wonderland. A great way to open the show, although the camera shot looking up at the dancers’ faces as they spun as a group meant that we, as a TV audience, didn’t see enough of the technical accomplishment involved.

Before Bruno’s team danced, we saw the VT of his team struggling with the routines all week — and, on Friday, Phoenix seemingly walking out of rehearsals. Ultimately, his bandmates were able to rally round and support him, keeping the group together.

Dancing to Jamiroquai’s Just Dance, the five delivered a coordinated routine, every dancer in time and working with the four others. Arlene said the footwork was a mess, though, which I have to say I didn’t notice. That’s probably why she’s a choregrapher and I’m just a hack, I guess.

Team Arlene then danced to Shake Your Groove Thing by Peaches & Herb. Having an even number of dancers clearly worked to the team’s advantage, allowing some coupling up to really showcase the group’s abilities. And unlike last week’s clumsy lifts, Emanuel effortlessly managed to lift and control Chelsey. Bruno pointed out that, despite a great performanxe, Camilla was off in places.

On to the singing numbers, and Team Bruno sing I’m Coming Out, starting off with a rap routine from Marcquelle before Claire took over the lead vocals. Not too much in the way of dancing to accompany the song, but vocally it was a pleasure to listen to, which is something that both groups have struggled with in previous weeks. Arlene was very gracious in complimenting the team without offering any criticism, which visibly meant a lot to the team.

Next up, Team Arlene started their rendition of Car Wash with a ‘whoop’ that sent my heart sinking to the floor. Thankfully, things improved as the vocals started. Ashley and Emanuel’s verse together seemed a little off, but that was a little dip in an otherwise creditable performance — again, vastly improved on the group’s previous singing efforts. Their own vocal coach Josh acknowledged that the group had struggled. When Bruno agreed, the audience started booing him. That sort of simplistic attitude from the audience really grates with me — while there is an inherent element of competitiveness from the panels’ comments to opposing teams, they are always couched in knowledge of the craft. Anyway, that’s my rant over for the week, and CeCe complimented Emanuel on his vocal control.

On to the song and dance numbers, and Bruno’s team kicked off with Chic’s Le Freak. Again, a visual and aural spectacle — although there were a couple of downpoints for me: with Marcquelle and Phoenix both lifting Rana, three-fifths of the group were predominantly static for a bit too long. Also, the group as a whole lost time a little just before the close of the song.

Arlene’s team followed up with We Are Family — and again they showed a marked improvement on recent weeks. While Bruno was right to point out that their vocals were not spot on, they actually seemed far more at ease with their performance than they have done before. It seems to me that Arlene has created a dance troupe that can carry — just — a good song, whereas Bruno is working on a group that has good dancers and a good singer. Both are valid, but different, approaches to the task the judges have set themselves.

For the first time this series, we had to wait until a second show for the results of the vote. I really couldn’t call it this week — but I have to admit my heart sank when I heard Arlene’s team had lost. Not because I preferred them — I think each team has its own strengths — but because from that point it was obvious which dancer would be given the axe. It’s been clear throughout that when faced with an odd number of dancers, both Arlene and Bruno favour one more girl than boy. And if a boy was going to have to go, it wouldn’t be Emanuel (to whose charms I remain immune) or Daniel.

So, we said goodbye to Kalvin, even though he’s been one of the most consistent dancers of either team throughout the series. I think that’s a real shame — and dare I suggest that if the public had been voting for individual dancers rather than for teams, he’d still be in. (Mind you, if they did that, the format would be identical to Popstars: The Rivals…)

Heading into the final it seems Arlene and Bruno are neck and neck with five dancers apiece, but as ever it’ll be the performances on the night that determines the winner. Throught, I’d say that Team Arlene has the edge when it comes to choregraphy, but vocally Team Bruno are stronger — what do you think?

• Previously: Week 5 / Week 4 / Week 3 / Week 2 / Week 1

No new Lee Mead-related news to report — but the previous Loppy post was getting far too unwieldy, so feel free to carry on below!

ABC in America has started promoting their autumn shows, including the much-anticipated second season of Ugly Betty. Their promo for that series uses a special version of Mika’s Big Girl (You Are Beautiful) to create a rather wonderful little clip that’s quite brightening this drab August day here at TV Today Towers:

Sadly, we won’t get Ugly Betty Season 2 until 2008. *humph*

Update: See below for a behind-the-scenes “making of” video:

Since it first aired in January 2006, Disney’s made-for-TV movie High School Musical has broken records left, right and centre. A global smash hit, it has been remade as a staged concert, as a full theatre musical, and High School Musical on Ice starts touring the US at the end of this month. Musically, it has produced a Billboard no. 1 album, and at one point most of the songs in iTunes’ Top 10 downloads were all from the musical. The movie itself, which has seen pretty frequent repeats both on US and UK screens, has also spawned singalong and dancealong versions which continue to be huge draws to the Disney Channel on both sides of the Atlantic.

Which all pretty much made a sequel a dead-on cert. High School Musical 2 aired last Friday, and with all the marketing might of the Mouse House behind it, it was always going to get good ratings. However, the figures it actually got were nothing short of phenomenal. Initial estimates suggest that the premiere was watched by 17.2 million viewers nationwide.

If those estimates prove true, it makes the film the most-watched cable television programme in US history, beating a 2006 American Football game by over a million viewers. Not only that, but its audience beat the traditional “big four” networks combined.

HSM2 comes to the UK next month — I’m off to a preview screening tomorrow, and will be interviewing one of the stars for a future issue of The Stage. Before then, we’ll have other features looking at the UK stage versions of the original — so if you’re a UK fan of High School Musical, keep reading The Stage.

Countryfile: the Summer Diaries (Monday-Friday 10am, BBC1)

Countryfile is turning into something of a cult juggernaut, and with the summer holiday in full swing, this spin-off show aims to lull you into the cult with a gentle show stripped over the next two weeks. Sometimes, I wish I was still a student. Sigh.

EastEnders (Monday 8pm, BBC1)

It’s holiday time in Walford as Garry, Dawn, Pat, Shirley and comedy sidekick Heather all head off to Brighton. Pat gets a fella in the form of ex-Bill legend Christopher Ellison, Garry tries to woo Dawn (does anybody actually woo these days?) and Shirl and Heather go to the fair. Soaps on holiday can either be comedy gold of butt-clenchingly tedious and embarrassing. As this is ‘Enders, it could go either way, but I’ll be watching through my fingers, just in case.

The Enemies of Reason (Monday 8pm, C4)

In the concluding part of his documentary that basically tries to denounce witchcraft and arty-farty alternative healing, Dawkins turns his attentions to the £1.6billion alternative health industry. I’m not sure I’m too keen on this new, polite Richard Dawkins. I prefer it when he’s losing his rag with the nutters he talks to, but still, this is engrossing stuff and you’ll probably be rushing off to buy The God Delusion straight after.

Jamie at Home (Tuesday 8pm, C4)

I go through waves with Jamie, sometimes hailing him as a culinary wide boy genius, sometimes denouncing his cheeky chappie charm as something short of demonic. Sadly I’m going through the latter at the moment. Jamie, just go home and shut the door for six months, there’s a good lad.

Tribe (Tuesday 9pm, BBC2)

Bless Bruce Parry. He’s like a modern day John Noakes, prepared to do practically anything for his art, like smear frog poison over his body while hanging out with the Matis, an Amazonian tribe. Always fascinating, and with this being the last series, enjoy it while you can.

Gavin & Stacey (Tuesday 10pm, BBC2)

The best sitcom of the year receives a well-deserved terrestrial showing. I’ve said it before, and I’ll happily say it again: great characters, great dialogue. A joyous piece of television.

Rick Stein’s Mediterranean Escapes (Wednesday 8pm, BBC2)

Jamie, pay attention now. This is how to do it. Rick Stein makes wandering through sleepy, sunny food markets, tasting a morsel here, a morsel there, look compelling. His enthusiasm never gets too pukka, or too laid back, Stein just talks simply about the great food he’s getting to sample on his journey through the Mediterranean. I’m missing Chalky, but the scenery and the food more than make up for a highly relaxing piece of culinary telly. Yum!

Heroes (Wednesday 9pm, BBC2)

Heroes is ticking over nicely now – if you’re in, you’re in. If you haven’t succumbed to this show’s many charms, then you’re probably not going to, so we’ll say good-bye now.

Brothers and Sisters (Wednesday 10pm, C4)

Lovely is about the only word to describe Brothers and Sisters, and that’s no bad thing. It continues to be highly and effortlessly watchable, and that’s often a great achievement in this day and age.

House (Thursday 9pm, Five)

The legendary Alison Graham off of the Radio Times adores this show above all others. And you know, I’ve watched with more than half an interested eye this season, and I’m beginning to see what Ms Graham is banging on about every week. Hugh Laurie’s much-feted American accent is still atrocious (no, really it is, just go and listen), but there is something incredibly attractive about his performance as the miserable medic. Tonight we get the final two episodes of the season, and there’s doubt over which members of House’s team might be back next year. If I haven’t forgotten how much I enjoyed this season, I might come back. Or maybe not.

Saxondale (Thursday 9.30pm, BBC2)

I liked Saxondale, which wasn’t the most popular view expressed last year at Steve Coogan’s newest comedy creation. But by series end, I think the ex-roadie-turned-pest controller had won round many of the critics. Certainly I’m pleased to see the return of Tommy S, along with fiancée Magz, lodger/employee Raymond and Morwenna Banks as the delightful Vicky. Admittedly, it’s hard to like in places, but that’s often the point, and you’ll find yourself becoming quite fond of Tommy if you stick with it.

Still Game (Thursday 10pm, BBC2)

The last in the current run of the laugh out loud Scottish comedy from the boys behind Chewin’ the Fat. It looks like Kiernan and Hemphill have saved the best until last this year, as Frances and Tam appear on TV – with Lorraine Kelly! Stick a fork in me, I’m done!

Yesterday’s Observer reported that BBC’s Saturday night medical drama Casualty has had a script scrapped because it was due to feature an attack by Islamic suicide bombers.

A source close to next month’s new series of Casualty, the long-running BBC1 hospital drama, said that it was to start with a two-part special in which a young Muslim runs into a bus station and blows himself up. Another Muslim is wearing a suicide vest but fails to detonate it; instead he is injured and the vest has to be carefully removed. The source said that senior figures in the drama department supported the idea but were blocked by editorial guideline staff, who oversee the corporation’s editorial and ethical standards. The drama staff were overruled because of concerns that the story would perpetuate stereotypes of young Muslims in Britain.

In the substitute story, a double episode to be shown over a weekend, a bomb explodes on a bus after being planted by animal rights militants, leaving the Holby City Hospital’s Emergency Department to deal with the bloody aftermath.

Cue the usual shouts of “political correctness gone mad” — this time from professional grouch, Norman Tebbit:

People were perfectly free during the violence in Northern Ireland to produce dramas about terrorism for which presumably they might have been accused of stereotyping IRA terrorists or even suggesting that all Catholics were terrorists. What is the difference here? I fail to see why sauce for the goose shouldn’t be sauce for the gander. The BBC exists in a world of New Labour political correctness.

How about because stereotyping whole swathes of a population based on the terrorist actions of a small minority was wrong then, and is wrong now? Notice he didn’t actually provide any examples — instead using the terms perfectly free, presumably, might have been… any concrete examples to back up your proposition, Norman?

As it is, the drama will now continue with a major explosion, which will unfold twice: once through the eyes of clinical manager Charlie Fairhead, who is facing disillusion with the NHS having realised he’s been in nursing for 35 years; and again through the eyes of Holby’s newest doctor, Toby de Silva.

To be honest, although Casualty has always been known for having big, issue-led plotlines of the week, it’s when it deals at the more human level that it succeeds. The BBC’s response to the Observer’s story (and a follow-up, which adds nothing new, in the Daily Telegraph) has been that the nature of the bombing was discussed only at a very early stage of script development:

With any storyline process there are lots of ideas that get put forward which don’t make the series. The aim of Casualty is to highlight the work of professionals in these extreme situations.

Quite why, and how, a bombing comes about is clearly secondary to that aim — and quite right too.

The whole things smacks of a storm in a teacup, to be honest. It may be completely coincidental that Casualty’s press and public relations is about to be outsourced to an external company for the first time, but Polly Ravenscroft, whose PR Squared agency will be taking over the publicity reins, must be appreciating the attention her new charge is receiving.

For me (and, I suspect, for Mark, who is a far bigger Holby City fan than I), the bigger question is — just what is Connie Beauchamp doing in the ED, and how long will she be staying around? Casualty sorely needs a character of Connie’s stature, but how will its weekday stablemate cope with her loss?

Coronation Street/EastEnders (Friday 7.30/8pm/ ITV1/BBC1)

Fridays continue to be the most tedious night of the TV schedules, with very little of merit to recommend (which is a bit difficult for a weekly highlights column). But don’t despair, we can always take refuge in the soaps. EastEnders and Corrie seem to be back on an equal footing at the moment. Corrie has slipped a little for me slightly – the Ashley/Claire/Casey storyline is driving me to distraction and needs to end – now. It doesn’t help that Casey is one of the most irritating guest additions to a soap in a long time, so I’m praying for this one to end soon. In EastEnders, I’m still liking the Mitchell sisters, and the storyline surrounding Patrick’s attack with Deano and Chelsea is well thought out. Shame Tiana Benjamin (Chelsea) is a terrible actress – just watch any scene when she goes up against Lacey Turner (Stacey). There really is no contest on the talent front.

The Shield (Friday 11.05pm, Five)

Amidst the desert of Friday night TV tedium, I often think The Shield is a mirage, a dangerous vision to tempt me to drink from the pool of Five (rarely a good idea). But no, it really is there, as mean, angry and superb as always. A veritable lifesaver.

The X Factor (Saturday 7.40pm, ITV1)

Ah, it’s that time of year when we coast to Christmas with a regular Saturday fix of The X Factor. And it’s all shiny and new this year, apparently. Except it isn’t, because the usual suspects are all still there (with Louis Walsh, as we know, given an 11th hour reprieve from the boot), although we have fourth judge Dannii Minogue joining the team, and new presenter Dermot O’Leary. So something old, something new, and I’m sure we’ll get something borrowed and something blue before the end of the mammoth series. Six weeks of auditions kick things off, which usually provide the best material. Bring. It. On.

Stephen Fry Weekend (Saturday, 7pm, BBC4)

How absolutely lovely and fluffy – a whole night of programmes devoted to the always fabulous Stephen Fry (who strangely ended up on my list of Facebook friends, and I’m not quite sure how…). What we get here is a brand new Mark Lawson Talks To… interview, which should be nicely revealing, and Guilty, in which Fry reveals some of his guilty pleasures. Lovely.

Mrs Brown (Saturday 7.35pm, BBC2)

This critically acclaimed movie was originally supposed to air as a bank holiday TV movie on the Beeb, but Auntie wisely chose to release it theatrically. You’ve probably seen it before, but Mrs Brown is always worth another watch for Judi Dench’s breakthrough movie performance as Queen Victoria, and Billy Connolly on towering form as John Brown.

Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Celebrity (Saturday 8.40pm, ITV1)

Ooh, new question structure for this venerable old warhorse. Don’t all cheer at once, eh?

Last of the Summer Wine (Sunday 6.30pm, BBC1)

Um… is this still being commissioned? Worth tuning in to watch in open mouthed amazement that the cast can still get out of bed in the morning, let alone remember their lines. It’s actually quite comforting to know this is still out there, year in, year out, and also to realise what a legend Peter Sallis is. It’s like Still Game, but without the arse jokes.

Weeds (Sunday 10pm, Sky One)

A perfect end to your weekend viewing. I can’t praise this edgy, funny drama enough, and it continues to get better and better. Nancy accelerates her plan for turning her pot dealing into a major business, but what of the DEA agent who Nancy has the hots for and now knows her secret? Brilliant in so many ways.

Dexter (Sunday 10pm, FX)

It’s there, which is good enough reason to watch it.

If you watch your television through Freeview, this Monday you may need to rescan your set-top box or IDTV on Monday.

Several transmitters will be changing the frequencies they use to transmit ITV2 and ITV3, and without a rescan you may lose access to these channels. In addition, to coincide with the launch of Channel 4+1 as a time-shifted version of the terrestrial channel, C4 is moving around some of its channels around the EPG as part of the same update. The broadcasters’ channels will be available on the following channels:

13 Channel 4+1 (new)
14 More4 (was 13)
29 E4 (was 14)
30 E4+1 (no change)
32 Film4 (was 29)

Film4+1 is leaving Freeview, but will still be available on Sky and Virgin.

The Channel 4 changes are UK-wide, whereas the ITV changes only affect the following transmitters:

Anglia: Tacolneston, Sandy Heath
Border: Selkirk
Central: Ridge Hill, Oxford, Waltham
Meridian: Rowridge, Bluebell Hil, Hannington, Heathfield
West & Westcountry: Caradon Hill, Huntshaw Cross, Redruth

(Don’t you just love how, despite all the national branding, transmitter information is still grouped by the ‘traditional’ region names? No? I’ll get me coat…)

If you’re a Sky viewer, there will be some Channel 4 channel number tweaks, too:

135 Channel 4+1 (new)
136 E4 (was 138)
137 E4+1 (was 139)
138 More4 (was 140)
139 More4+1 (was 172)

For Virgin customers, the only change is that channel 143 will be used for Channel 4+1 instead of More4+1.

All these changes take place on Monday 20 August.

If you’re in Edinburgh this weekend — which, sadly, I’m not — and are in any way shape or form into Doctor Who — which, happily, I am — then make sure you go along to a one-off charity event in aid of ACCORD, the hospice where David Tennant’s mother worked and, recently, passed away.

Comedians appearing at this year’s Edinburgh Fringe are staging a special one-off Dr Who-themed comedy show as part of the David-Tennant.com fundraiser, which intends to raise money for the ACCORD hospice in Paisley, Scotland.

The comedians taking part were moved by the response from Dr Who fans to the recent death of the actor’s mother Helen from cancer.

The gig will take place at Laughing Horse@Linsays (Fringe Venue 56) on Saturday 18th August 9.10 - 10.10pm. Although the show is not ticketed, and is not part of the official Fringe programme, those attending will be asked to donate £10, with all proceeds going to the ACCORD hospice appeal.

Venue details: Laughing Horse@Linsays, 15 Brunswick Street, Edinburgh, EH7 5JB Box Office & Enquiries: 0131 556 8974

Full details can be found here.

Those taking part will include Toby Hadoke, the genius behind Moths Ate My Doctor Who Scarf, and Mitch Benn, star of (among others) Radio 4’s The Now Show.

Of course, you’ll all know of this already, thanks to its plug on Show 12 of The Stage/TPN Fringe podcast. You have been listening, haven’t you? If not, subscribe now in iTunes. As I type this, we’re at no. 11 in the Arts chart and with a few more subscribers we could well go Top Ten!

Oh, and if you haven’t been lucky enough to catch Toby live, here’s a taster of his live set:

Now by and large, I’m a words man. It’s how I tend to make a living (and just try spelling Bassingthwaighte correctly after a lengthy liquid lunch on a Friday). But just lately, I’ve become fixated on numbers. Fixated. Obsessed. Anxious.

Well, it’s more about percentages, and it’s all the fault of Sky Plus. I was a normal, well-balanced TV viewing individual (albeit with an unnatural affection for Rough Diamond). Now, I only have thoughts about my Sky Plus percentage and how it is being continually whittled away to tear-inducingly low numbers.

How did I, and indeed the world, cope before the dawn of the PVR? I now record much more than I ever did before, and my poor old hard drive is fit to bursting. There are three episodes of The Wire to watch, not to mention the already-viewed first episode, just in case I need to go back and remind myself what the heck is going on. The second leg of Terry Pratchett’s Hogfather is gathering dust in a long forgotten corner, waiting for a looksee. Brothers and Sisters, Still Game, Deadliest Catch, Heroes, Dexter, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip and My Name is Earl are all series linked, which brings complications all of its own.

My waking hours are now spent thinking about where I can squeeze in 20 minutes to watch a bit of something here, a bit of something there. I can do 20 minutes of a Heroes episode over tea and toast in the morning, but this feels wrong. It’s not the way telly is supposed to be watched. It ruins the flow and makes me feel anxious rather than relaxed or entertained. And the missus is still not totally sold on the adventures of Hiro and co, so it looks like I’m flying solo on this one. More hassles.

Sky Plus has revolutionised my viewing habits, but at what cost? I’m a gibbering wreck, every time I watch something and delete it, hoping that the ever-dwindling percentage count will creep further back towards double figures.

And I still say that I’m taping something, which sounds so 20th century. What do we say now? I’m plussing? PVRing? Some more knowledgeable friends tell me the term is “timeshifting”, but I’d rather not get beaten up down the pub for being a pseud. I have enough trouble with that as it is.

But there is a glimmer of the hope on the horizon to make some serious inroads into getting my percentage back up to a healthier level. With the missus off on a weekend jolly in a couple of weeks, I can have a return to bachelor living and not move from the sofa for two days (except to answer the door to the pizza man). Now that’s how TV was meant to be watched!

In other news, Chief O’Brien off of Deep Space Nine might be heading back to the 1970s in the US remake of Life on Mars to star as Gene Hunt. I’m not abhorred by that casting, Colm Meaney is a fine actor, but the one question I have is: will he still be ‘avin ‘oops?

First off, apologies for the tardiness of this review — it’s been one of those weeks, you know?

And it was certainly a week in DanceX world. The theme was ‘Vegas’, which Bruno took to mean the traditional feather-laden showgirls and Rat Pack tributes. For Arlene, however, it meant circus-style theatrics and wedding tributes in underwear. However much Bruno complained, I can’t help but think he ought to be grateful she hadn’t taken the theme to mean Celine Dion and strip joints…

Team Bruno’s bad luck of the last two weeks, which saw them lose Becky and Daniele, seemed determined to dog them this week. First off, Claire’s showgirl costume fell to pieces in the opening ensemble number and then, in their first dance number, Marie took a tumble while taking the lead. Like a true professional, though, she braced the fall with a smile and a flourish. The show must go on, indeed.

Prior to that, of course, Arlene’s team danced to River Deep, Mountain High. True to the spirit of the evening, there were some deliberately showy moves, most notably seeing Camilla in what should have been a spectacular lift. However, it looked to me that she didn’t have the form she should have done, and there was no sense of shape or hold as the lift reached its peak.

In the singing round, Arlene’s team (in the aforementioned wedding garb — or should that be undergarb?) sang Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off. Ashley was singled out for praise by Arlene, but I have to say I found myself agreeing with Bruno and CeCe, who said that the whole team’s vocals still needed work. That said, it was a huge improvement on last week’s singing performance — but then, so would keeping all their mouths shut…

Team Bruno’s vocal performance was a black tie rendition of Moondance, which thanks to Michael Bublé seems to have become something of a swing standard. I wonder what Van Morrison thinks? Anyway, it was a brave decision to allow Phoenix to take the lead line in the number, but it really paid off. He may not have the purest or strongest of voices, but he really allowed the public to see the tender side that his teammates have hinted at in their VTs.

Again, in the last round Bruno kicked up a fuss over Arlene’s interpretation of the Vegas theme, but her group’s rendition of The Rhythm of Life was mesmerising to watch and, to me, had the edge over Team Bruno’s final number.

The final ‘battle’ is shaping up to be this highlight of each show, with each contestant really pulling out all the stops. Daniel and Emanuel provided laughs as well as great moves, resulting in a far closer contest between the two teams than we’ve seen in the previous two weeks.

When it came to the phone vote, the public plumped for Bruno’s team. For which I have to say I’m glad — it would not be a pretty sight to have to see a four-piece face a full complement of seven in next week’s semi-final. As it was, six versus five is going to make Saturday’s show far more interesting.

A shame, though, that Arlene chose to lose Ife (who, I may say, suits her new, sleek hair far more than her previous Sideshow Bob-style ‘do). If I’d been in her shoes, I think I would probably have waved goodbye to Camilla.

Read vocal coach CeCe Sammy’s exclusive column every week only in The Stage print edition, on sale every Thursday.

• Previously: Week 4 / Week 3 / Week 2 / Week 1

Give any MP a stick and it seems they’ll just use it to whack the BBC with at the moment.

Take the “row” over Blue Peter presenter Konnie Huq’s attendance at the Hovis Freewheel event in London at the weekend. It seems that Huq’s request to attend the event had been turned down by the BBC as it could imply a political bias, considering London MayorKen Livingstone’s involvement. But despite being forbidden to attend, Huq, who is set to leave Blue Peter next year, turned up anyway, and true to form, Livingstone turned the cycling awareness gathering into a political platform.

But it’s the suggestion that the BBC is somehow blame for Huq attending that has got my goat, as highlighted by Conservative London Assembly member Brian Coleman, who said:

“The launch became a political rant. It is unforgivable for the BBC to allow the Blue Peter name to be lent to a political event. But when a presenter does so without their permission you wonder what is going on at the BBC.”

Erm… Haven’t you got anything better to do, Mr Coleman, than utter nonsensical ramblings? The BBC told her she couldn’t go. She did. There’s not a great deal to be said beyond that. I mean, what exactly do you want the BBC to do here? Is this another case of BBC1 controller Peter Fincham taking more control and being everywhere at once? Should he have been at Konnie Huq’s flat on Sunday morning, making scrambled eggs, when she woke up and decided she’d go after all, so he could bar her from getting out of the door?

If anybody is to blame here, it’s Huq’s agent, Jonathan Shallit, who seems to have misinterpreted the situation after the BBC turned down the presenter’s request.

“It is totally not the BBC or Konnie’s fault. It is quite correct the BBC said no to it but I wasn’t aware of that.”

he has said, quite happy to take the blame. And then Mr Shallit quite perceptively added:

“The BBC probably realised it was a political event when I didn’t. All Konnie was asked to do was support a get-fit campaign. It was done with goodwill. The Tories have made this into a political event.”

Indeed. I suggest Mr Coleman switches off his TV set and goes and does something more useful instead, rather than trying to make some political capital out of a situation where there isn’t any.

What a treat those bosses at Channel 4 decided to give die-hard fans of the weird and wonderful world of Meadowlands. I don’t know about anyone else, but as I watched the first series of this drama series unfold, I found myself more gripped than ever. (I actually watched the final two on E4 last week but came back for more last night). The final two installments offered some stellar performances, mainly from the brilliant Lucy Cohu as Evelyn, who, it has to be said, is the best thing about the whole series. The scene in which she goes to Dr York’s office to give him what he wants ((in exchange for silence about his knowledge about her past) was harrowing, but completely engaging. It provided one of the darkest moments of the series.

Elsewhere, Danny continued to make arrangements for leaving the strange town, pinching money from shop tills to make sure he and his family have enough to keep them on the road when they finally escape. He decided the best way to mask his family’s escape was to organise a midnight party for the residents of Meadowlands - getting them sufficiently drunk so none of them notice they have gone. Unfortunately, he hadn’t banked on his family’s resistance, mainly from his children, who later persuade Evelyn not to leave. Finally, he was forced to admit why he couldn’t stay (having killed Jack) and also that Meadowlands may not be all it claims to be. It seemed to do the trick, as the family finally consented. But more of that later.

Meanwhile, Brenda, Jezebel and Mark found themselves in a rather stomach churning love triangle. Not many children like to think of their mother having sex. But poor Jezebel had to deal with the discovery her mother is doing it with a 17-year-old - who she has also been seeing. The episodes also gave us some insight into Brenda’s past, who, rather like Maxine Carr, had found herself hated by the world after providing an alibi for her lover - a murderer who had been killing teenage boys. The flashbacks showed Brenda and Jezebel as they were in their previous lives - drab and lacking in self confidence, thanks to many a put down from Brenda’s murdering boyfriend. However, the series provided a touching bond between the mother and daughter, who worked together to overcome their problems.

Unlike Abigail and David York, whose relationship seemed to have hit rock bottom by the end. Abigail announced she wanted a divorce, and then told David she was pregnant, putting him in rather difficult position. Which left him in a mood to let rip at the Brogans’ party, where, plied with alcohol, he threatened to tell the whole of Meadowlands Evelyn’s little secret. In a state of panic, Evelyn took it upon herself to tell Danny the truth (oops), just as her kids had left to wait by the getaway car. A rather angry Danny then marched outside, and ignoring his kids, stole a car and sped away out of Meadowlands (driving past the hotel where Samantha looked like she was going to be taught a lesson from Wintersgill about “respect”). Driving at full pelt, Danny left Meadowlands behind him, traveling through miles of forests until eventually hitting a dirt road - in the middle of a - wait for it - desert! That’s right folks, it seems Meadowlands is in the middle of nowhere.

Standing by his car on the top of a cliff (in a shot that looked like it could be straight from a car advert), the full horror of what Meadowlands is dawned on Danny - as well as the fact that he will probably have to drive back the way he came and face his wife and children (unless he runs out of petrol and then of course he will have to walk).

And with that, the series came rather abruptly to an end. With some questions answered and others not. Word has reached me from a reliable source that Meadowlands might not even be of this earth - meaning it could be on another planet. If that is the case, we will all want to know how Samantha got to London and back in such short time. Other things I personally want to know are:

• If the last scene implied Meadowlands is in some desert terrain, in the blistering sunshine, why was it always so cold in Meadowlands?
• What exactly is the experiment they are all part of? and
• What the hell did Mark see in Brenda? She’s old enough to be his nan for heaven’s sake.

So… let’s just hope there is a second series (bosses at production house Ecosse are currently waiting to hear) and pray that with a second series, comes some more answers.

But will it last?

On the evidence of last night’s debut of That Antony Cotton Show, I seriously doubt it. In yesterday’s Square Eyes, I pondered whether the Coronation Street favourite would take Parky’s throne as the king of chat, or would he fall flat his back like Davina?

Sadly, I found little to recommend in That Antony Cotton Show and honestly, he nearly lost me when he came on to belt out a tune in sub-karaoke style, but for you dear reader, I stuck with it. That’s an hour of my life I’ll never get back, but enough of the hatchet job. I like Antony Cotton, I like him in Corrie as Sean Tully, and it’s easy to see why he’s popular with the audience.

Doesn’t mean he’s going to make a good chat show host show, does it?

It’s understandable why ITV has commissioned the show (although traditionally, Street stars have generally not been allowed to take on other projects – I wonder how that went down in the green room?). Cotton is popular, but I’m not sure where this sense that the actor is some kind of national treasure came from. Hilda Ogden was a national treasure, but I doubt I’d want to sit down and watch That Jean Alexander Show. Although, come to think of it…

And here is yet more blurring of the line between reality and fiction. Who exactly does Aunt Mabel think she’s tuning into here? Actor and writer Antony Cotton, or the lovely Sean Tully off of Corrers? I’d pay good money that a straw poll would provide more than 50 per cent of those asked thinking it was the latter.

Or am I underestimating the intelligence of TV audiences? I guess that would make me a programme commissioner.

Fair play to Antony Cotton for wanting to do something new and develop his career, and I hope for his sake that this is a success for him. On the basis of the first episode, I’d say he has a long way to go, and if the audience turn against it, I worry it could damage the place of Sean Tully in the nation’s hearts. And that just wouldn’t do.

Let’s see what the overnights are saying this time tomorrow…

That Antony Cotton Show (Monday - Friday 5pm, ITV1)

Corrie favourite Antony Cotton gets his own chat show. Will he be the new Parky or the new Davina? We await the results with interest (well, not that much).

The Enemies of Reason (Monday 8pm, C4)

Richard Dawkins, riding high on the success The God Delusion, tackles the esoteric subjects of astrology and spiritualism, and, as you’d expect, he attempts to show what a load of old dingo’s danglies it is. It’s fascinating stuff, and Dawkins doesn’t pull any punches, but he seems much more focussed and less angry, which probably makes him more dangerous to the forces of mysticism that he seeks to bring down.

Little Devil (Monday 9pm, ITV1)

Poor Robson Green, suffering the insult of having his latest drama for ITV consigned to a Monday night in August. It’s a measure of how much the high ups at ITV must rate this new series to bury it so mercilessly (but then, something has to go out in that slot). Green and Maggie O’Neill are the couple with marriage problems, and their son (the titular tyke) attempts all sorts of japes to keep them together. Robson must be so thankful for Wire in the Blood – it must make up for the indignity of acting in rubbish like this.

The Wire (Monday 10pm, FX)

It’s getting boring recommending this now, but The Wire is easily one of the best things on the box. If you’re missing it, shame on you.

Cape Wrath (Tuesday 10/11pm, C4)

The final two instalments of this always-interesting, never quite successful drama. Cape Wrath doesn’t know what it wants to be, not sure if it should be wearing its Lost/Prisoner credentials on its sleeve, or going down the quirky suburban drama route. However, the entire series has never been anything less than watchable, and the cast is superb. A second series is possible, thanks to co-production with Showtime, but I’m not sure I’d be holding my breath.

You Can’t Fire Me, I’m Famous (Tuesday 10.35pm, BBC1)

Richard Bacon comes under the gaze of this Piers Morgan interview series, and one which has proved to be strangely fascinating, offering quite an insight into the world’s obsession with celebrity. Bacon was famously dumped from Blue Peter after he was sold out by a mate to the tabloids for some Class A activities. I’m not a huge fan of Bacon, truth be told, but this is an examination of a noteworthy moment in TV history.

Heroes (Wednesday 9pm, BBC2)

Another cracking example of US drama is really rocking now on its terrestrial showing. Our characters are slowly starting to come together and the bigger picture is revealed more and more. We know something big and destructive is just around the corner, and it’s down to our heroes to sort it out. All manner of questions are jiggling around, but unlike Lost, you get the sense that we won’t have long to wait to discover the answers. Unlike Lost.

Ann Widdecombe Versus (Wednesday 10pm, ITV1)

My favourite programme title of the year – it’s a disappointment to discover that we’re not treated to the bizarrely watchable former MP jumping into a wrestling ring with various public figures. In fact, what we do get is an incredibly fascinating half hour show that sees Widdecombe putting an issue of the day under the spotlight and literally stomping up to somebody and demanding to know what they’re playing at. Tonight, prostitution is on the agenda.

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (Thursday 10pm, More 4)

Ah, yet another US drama gets the Square Eyes thumbs up. Do you detect a pattern emerging here? Surely we’re not suggesting that there’s barely anything home grown worth watching at the moment? Perish the thought! I’m still not sure how far this glorious show could have gone beyond this sole season, but it’s a joy to watch dialogue that just sings being delivered by actors with electric chemistry.

Forgiven (Thursday 10.30pm, C4)

After her cracking turn in Cape Wrath, Lucy Cohu continues to display star quality in this fairly bleak drama about a middle-class family ripped apart by the father abusing their child. It’s another fact-based drama that seems to be an increasing vogue at the moment, and this is a difficult watch, to be honest. It’s probably down to the subject matter and the way it is displayed quite honestly, but there’s no denying the talent of the cast and how dramas like this are going to be a part of TV schedules more and more in the coming years.

So, I’ve now got round to seeing the new stage production of Grease - starring Danny Bayne and Susan McFadden, as discovered through ITV talent search Grease is the Word. Having missed the press night due to a prior arrangement , I went to see the show a couple of days late - on Friday.

And, I thought, having followed the TV show through much of its run and offered my thoughts on the performances there, it felt sensible to give a final opinion on what this has all translated to on the stage.

By the time I got to see it, the production had already received, well, ‘mixed reviews’ to be polite. Michael Billington in the Guardian complained “If you want proof of the imaginative poverty of the West End today, you need look no further than Grease”, while Sarah Crompton in the Daily Telegraph felt “Bayne makes John Travolta look like Olivier, substituting a twitch of the collar and a curl of the lip for anything approaching acting… McFadden - sister of Westlife’s Brian - has a sweet smile and a strong voice. Unfortunately she belts out every ballad as if it were karaoke night; there’s no finesse or feeling” and Nicholas De Jongh put the final nail in the coffin “Neither of the leads, a less than dynamic Danny Bayne as gang-leader Danny Zuko and Susan McFadden as the girl for whom he falls but cannot pick up, display the singing and acting charisma required to galvanise this almost plotless musical by Jim Jacobs and Warren Casey.” Having said that it also received decent notices in the Daily Express and the Metro.

So are the criticisms fair? Yes and no.

Grease is not a critic-friendly musical. It is unashamedly lightweight and is never going to produce a huge amount of drama. People go to see it for a fun, mindless night out, to watch the dancing and enjoy the songs. Taken on this level, the show really doesn’t do too bad a job. It’s not revolutionary, it’s probably not the best production of Grease you’ll ever see, but it passes muster.

As do Danny and Susan. They both have flaws - most notably in their (fairly monotone) acting, but Susan sings well - especially in her solo ballad Hopelessly Devoted to You - and Danny is fantastic in the dance contest. In fact most of the choreography is really rather good.

There are problems, though. The sound is uneven - and in some parts almost unbearably loud - and the opening twenty minutes or so is painfully pedestrian and strangely unenthusiastic. Also - the staging of Greased Lightning is a little unambitious.

In fact, if there’s one overriding criticism of the show it is this - the whole thing feels like it is willing to settle for being okay. Maybe had it had a little more ambition, courage in its convictions and aimed a little higher, it could have been better. Maybe.

One other thought. Siobhan Dillon - you might remember her as the third placed Maria from How Do You Solve a Problem like Maria? - appears as Patty. She does a fine job, but I couldn’t help thinking that she would have made an excellent Sandy. In fact, in a couple of the scenes between her and Susan McFadden, it occurred to me that had there been a more traditional method of casting, the pair might have ended up playing the opposite way round.

If any of you have already got along to see the show or are soon to take the trip to the Piccadilly, I’d be interested to know your thoughts.

Cricket on Five (Friday 7pm, Five)

Believe me, going by today’s performance at the Oval, this will be the funniest thing on TV all weekend. And yes, that does it include My Family.

Grumpy Old Women (Friday 10pm, BBC2)

Why can’t they do an edition of this show that has the participants complaining that there’s nothing on the TV on a Friday night in August. I mean, before you know it, people will be recommending Grumpy Old Women. Oh. Hang on.

The Edinburgh Show (Friday 11pm, BBC2)

Lauren Laverne brings her not inconsiderable charm to providing a nicely succinct overview of the offerings from this year’s Edinburgh Festival.

The Shield (Friday 11pm, Five)

It’s not often I say this, but thank God for Five. It’s quite comforting to know that somewhere in the world, TV as good as this is being made. And relax.

John Wyndham: the Invisible Man of Science Fiction (Saturday 7pm, BBC4)

A neat little documentary that explores the life and works of John Wyndham. It features the only TV interview ever given by the author alongside items from his private picture collection. Random Quest, an adaptation of Wyndham’s short story produced for BBC4’s recent British sci-fi season, follows at 9pm.

Deadliest Catch (Saturday 7.05pm, C4)

The crab fishermen catch some more crabs. Again. And it’s cold. Again. It’s still utterly compelling though, unlike the rest of tonight’s TV schedules (sorry Scott, but DanceX just isn’t doing it for me…)

British Film Forever (Saturday 9.10pm, BBC2)

In the third part of what’s turning out to be a reasonable documentary series, we reach what many call the real golden age of British cinema. Social realism hit a seam in the 50s, with the working class experience writ large on the silver screen. It wasn’t all doom and frowns though, with a very real humour running through a lot of films of the era. Interviewees include Ken Loach, Mike Leigh and Malcolm McDowell.

Britain’s Favourite View (Sunday 8pm, ITV1)

Trevor McDonald presides over a group of celebrities selecting their favourite views in Britain, which will then be put too the public vote in four week’s time after yet more celebrities put their pitch in over the next few weeks. I’ve got a better idea – couldn’t we vote for which celebrities get thrown off their favourite view instead.

Weeds (Sunday 10pm, Sky One)

It’s Sunday, which means US drama night thanks to the magic of multi-channel, and this is the best of the crop (pardon the pun). Nancy attends a convention in the hope of picking up some tips for pushing her business forward. Brilliant, especially for the divine Sarah-Louise Parker.

Dexter (Sunday 10pm, FX)

I still find the wildly careering tone of Dexter a bit of a turn off, but there’s no denying that this is top-drawer drama. It’s obviously so much more than just another crime drama, and tonight, Dexter’s deep, dark secret is almost revealed thanks to his unseen nemesis, the Ice Truck Killer.

DISCLAIMER: TV Today accepts no responsibility for the dire state of the schedules this weekend. It’s nothing to do with us, guv.

Are you one of Cape Wrath’s loyal viewers? There aren’t too many of us left. Thankfully, last Tuesday’s Channel 4 episode didn’t see any further drop in ratings, although that’s not saying much — just 800,000 people viewed episode 5 (a 5% share). That’s the same as the week before, although it’s half the number that tuned in for the series premiere.

For the series’ remaining loyal fans, Matt will be wrapping up his episode reviews after Tuesday’s double-bill concludes the first series on Channel 4. Annoyingly he watched them on E4 earlier this week, so I’ve had to prevent him from disclosing anything to me before then. Just before the gaffer tape went over his mouth, though, he did reveal that he’s been in conversation with executive producer Douglas Rae of production company Ecosse Films. While those of us watching on terrestrial will find out the fate (or otherwise) of the Meadowlands residents, Rae and his team will be finding out if a second series will be going ahead.

While the viewing figures in the UK haven’t been too hot, I really do hope that a second series gets the nod. It’s always good to see UK companies attempting something a little bit different; hopefully the fact that the series is a co-production with US cable channel Showtime will improve the chances of a recommission. Whatever the decision, The Stage will keep you informed.

Do we really need anything to mark Sir Michael Lyons’s first 100 days in the job as Chairman of the BBC Trust? It’s hardly anything noteworthy, holding down a job for 100 days, is it? The event doesn’t really warrant a major press interview, does it? And considering that everything he has to say marks a note of doom and gloom around the Corporation, surely it would be better to just keep his head down for a bit, smile politely and try not bump into the furniture?

The press at large, as usual, has pounced on some of Lyons’s words in his interview for The Telegraph, particularly taking this little nugget:

“Have we ruled out changes? No, we haven’t. It is about what you can afford to do with the money you’ve got.”

as speculation that the BBC will close down one of its channels to contribute towards major budget cuts of £2 billion in the next six years following the licence fee settlement. Mmm, yes, that’s exactly what it means, so we’d better start saying goodbye to BBC3 right now. Of course, as I demonstrated with Tuesday’s Doctor Who rumour-mongering, it’s all part of the journalistic ritual of making a story out of nothing.

Although, the notion of BBC3 being closed down doesn’t fill me with that much horror, I’m sad to say. It’s a channel that has difficulty with branding, not quite knowing who it’s supposed to be for, with its best finds quickly getting poached by BBC1 and BBC2. I’d be much more sad to see the back of BBC4, which just about serves the purpose of what BBC2 did in the old days.

However, I’m more concerned by a return to the tedious row over the Queen documentary, and Lyons’s criticism of Peter Fincham.

Asked directly if he thought the BBC1 Controller should have personally checked that the documentary footage wrongly showed the Queen stomping out of a photoshoot, he said:

“Do I personally think it was reasonable to check something that was so newsworthy? Yes I do.”

Oh for goodness sake! I doubt that Peter Fincham was even made aware by anyone that the documentary supposedly contained the said sequence – I imagine the first time he actually saw it was at the press conference that started the controversy (if it can be even called such a thing.). If he didn’t know, he couldn’t have done anything about it. And besides, RDF have admitted it was THEIR FAULT. End of story.

I’m a bit incensed over the use of the word “newsworthy” here. As I believe I’ve ranted before, is it any more newsworthy just because it’s the Queen, and would anybody have given a stuff, whether in the press or on the BBC Trust, if a single-mother from a council estate had been treated just as shabbily on an episode of Wife Swap? Of course not, so please don’t use the word “newsworthy” in such an insulting manner.

Oh, and Sir Michael? Way to go on showing a great controller of your flagship channel some good old Auntie Beeb loyalty. Good show.

There’s a rumour doing the rounds which implies that Apple’s iTunes store is about to start selling movies and television programmes to its UK customers.

Apple’s customers in the US have for a while been able to purchase and download films and television series, which can then be viewed on the computer, downloaded to a video iPod, or transmitted to the AppleTV for viewing on that old-fashioned box in the corner of the room. Unlike, say, purchasing downloads from Channel 4’s 4OD which have a limited lifespan (and are effectively rentals), anything you buy from the iTunes store is yours to keep for as long as you want it. TV series have a variety of ‘season pass’ and ‘multi-pass’ options, which allow you to pre-book purchases and automatically download the latest episodes as soon as they become available.

I’ve long held the belief that it’s crazy for UK companies to not have got into bed with Apple well before now. As it stands, we now have on-demand offerings from Sky, Channel 4 and (in ‘open beta’) the BBC, all separate yet using the same core technology (and all having trouble extending support to Windows Vista, Mac OSX and Linux). Meanwhile, ITV is offering limited streaming within web browsers, while Channel 5 are reselling episodes of CSI for download. Wouldn’t life be so much easier if everything could come down the same pipe, instead of having to clog your computer up with multiple copies of the same basic software?

Of course, a big question for the industry is how Apple’s sales model will affect their other income streams. If programmes are made available to download while the series is still being broadcast, that arguably reduces the value of secondary broadcast rights, potentially limiting the amount of money cable and satellite channels are willing to pay to show repeat series of terrestrial programmes. One could argue that the DVD market is possibly threatened too, but ultimately the picture quality on disc will always be better, and downloads don’t (yet?) have the ability to include extras such as commentary tracks, etc., so I’d say that DVD sales aren’t as likely to be affected for now.

The availability of downloads while a series is still airing is obviously of concern to broadcasters. Such concern is one reason why the BBC iPlayer’s ability to “series stack” (have a series’ past episodes available to download en masse) has been limited to landmark shows, rather than across the board. For commercial broadcasters, there’s got to be concern that the number of people watching the original transmissions will go down further, meaning that they have to start charging less for advertising space. But I think that both series stacking and iTunes’ “season passes” have the potential to increase broadcast audiences, especially series where it’s difficult to follow the narrative line of a drama if you miss an episode.

How many of us have thought to ourselves, “Oh, I missed the start of that series, there’s no point getting in to it now”? If those episodes are available online easily, chances are that audiences for long-running serials can be maintained throughout the run.

At a guess, I’d say that it’s unlikely that the BBC will be working with Apple to provide downloads of currently broadcast series, because of the commercial implications (such a deal would most likely have to be arranged via BBC Worldwide, I’m guessing, which would limit how quickly programmes could become available). But there’s no reason why ITV and Channel 4, or the indies that make programmes for the commercial sector couldn’t start letting us download content as soon as Apple flicks the switch. One thing’s for sure — downloading via iTunes is a darned sight easier than struggling with the other on-demand applications we have to use at the moment…

Fans of Cape Wrath finally started to get some answers in last night’s episode. Not that everything is now crystal clear. Don’t be silly — we still have another two episodes to go and even then I get the feeling not everything will make as much sense as we might like. After all, there are talks of a possible second series, so there has to be somewhere else for it to go should it return.

But at least there was enough to satisfy our thirst for knowledge. The big discovery tonight focused on the fact that Cape Wrath is some sort of experiment on the residents of Meadowlands, who are frightened into staying within the community while their minds are manipulated. Orchestrating this experiment is Samantha, who has decided to follow in her father’s footsteps and experiment with the human mind. It turns out her father, Professor Campbell, successfully reconditioned the mind of a four-year-old girl called Una who had been locked in a cage by her deranged parents. It seems Samantha is hoping she can do the same with a bunch of grown adults.

The difference, her father points out, is that Una was a child with no real baggage. Meadowlands’ residents are fully grown with memories - some a little disturbing to say the least - which make them harder to tackle. The pair’s conversations unwound over a bottle of wine in London, where Samantha’s father is a professor. They even found time to dance to a saxophonist by the river. How romantic. Things took a turn for the worse, however, when Samantha learnt she was the girl he had carried out his experiment on, Una, and not Professor Campbell’s real daughter. He then proceeded to pop his clogs, leaving a rather angry Samantha to return to Meadowlands ready to let off a little bit of steam.

Meanwhile, in Meadowlands itself, Danny has discovered the secret of Cape Wrath and some of those in authority were doing all they can to try and erase parts of his memory. Poor Danny was plagued by strange visions, namely that of Freddie morphing into Jack in an attempt to persuade him Jack is not actually dead. As if that wasn’t enough, he had to deal with hands that appear to be set on fire and a nuisance fly in his bedroom. Things just don’t get any easier for him.

Also, I don’t know if anyone else has noticed this, but there seem to be an awful lot of people hanging around Meadowlands wearing boiler suits - either clearing up leaves or painting buildings. I may be wrong, but I think these sinister beings might turn out to have more of a role than we realise. Either that - or I am becoming paranoid as the residents in Meadowlands. And if that’s true, I fear I may never be able to trust the postman again.

And it was all looking so rosy down Albert Square way recently, as we opined not so long back on the promising debut of the Mitchell sisters.

And then they have to go and do this.

Okay, I can see the logic behind casting somebody like Bobby Davro to try and catch the same vibe as a Shane Richie type, but come on now! All I’ll be able to think about when he turns up is somebody famous for doing a good impression of Zippie from Rainbow.

TV Today looks forward to Davro’s arrival in Albert Square with a certain amount of trepidation.

It looks like rain.

Oh, and don’t get me started on Corrie. That’s why mum’s go to Freshco, I imagine…

…I couldn’t possibly comment. A quick trawl through the TV news of the day brings to the fore the notion that the BBC is considering moving the permanent production bases and standing sets of its long-running productions.

Both Digital Spy and The Sun report that Auntie is looking into the feasibility of transferring EastEnders’ standing sets to a new production base at Pinewood Studios, coupled with a possibility that Casualty could be considered for a move to a new base in Wales.

In the current climate of reduced licence fee settlements, this probably makes a lot of sense, but is doubtless nothing more at this stage than a feasibility study and a look at the bottom line. Could the year-round production of these two long-runners be cheaper at another location?

So what, you ask? Does it matter where the shows are made? They’ll still look the same. Ah yes, but being an eagle-eyed TV hack, it’s in my blood to read between the lines and create a baseless rumour based on this line in The Sun’s story:

“The Casualty set may also move from Bristol to Wales.”

Which I’m now taking to mean:

Doctor Who to be axed by Auntie Beeb!!!!!

Huh? Where did that come from? I’m just adding two and two to get 105, but Doctor Who is currently based at the BBC Wales Upper Boat studio complex near Pontypridd. The Time Lord is housed there all year round, with standing sets for Doctor Who, along with sister-series Torchwood and the CBBC spin-off The Sarah Jane Adventures.

Could the possibility of Casualty moving to Wales be an indication that one or more of these shows is about to wind up production in the not too distant? Doctor Who’s future beyond the next production run is still shrouded in uncertainty, with Russell T Davies hinting he may be moving on at the end of the fourth season, and the show’s output being reduced to high-profile specials once or twice a year.

If Who were to wind up, it would leave a large gap in the production slate at Upper Boat, perfect for, say, a year round production like Casualty to step in as new tenants (pardon the pun).

Of course, like the hacks of Fleet Street, I’m making a story here out of absolutely nothing at all – if I’d known it was this easy, I’d have been doing it long ago! So don’t go gnashing your teeth and marching on BBC Wales with flaming torches to protest at the demise of the world’s favourite Time Lord. He’s more than capable of defeating the evil plans of Charlie Fairhead.

I’m hoping that Doctor Who will be around for a long time to come, and would rather that Casualty was dropped into a chronic hysterisis (whatever that is) before that clapped out nonsense took its place. (Sorry Casualty, but Holby City you ain’t).

Rosemary and Thyme (Monday 9pm, ITV1)

Ah, don’t you just love the summer, when the best drama offering of an evening is Rosemary and Thyme? The very concept of “gardening detectives” sounds like it was dreamt up by Alan Partridge in a focus group, but there is a certain charm to be had here. This week, our green-fingered sleuths investigate a murder at an open-air theatre. Riveting.

India with Sanjeev Bhaskar (Monday 9pm, BBC2)

This week, the Kumars star delves into his family’s past as he travels to the village that his father was forced out of in 1947. He also attends a lavish Indian wedding.

The Wire (Monday 10pm, FX)

Ah, that’s better. The beauty of the multi-channel age is that amongst the barrage of rubbish, you can usually find something worth watching, and this is something well worth getting into. Not a gardening implement in sight.

Jamie at Home (Tuesday 8pm, C4)

I’m not sure who that was on the cover on last week’s Radio Times, but it certainly didn’t look like Jamie Oliver – more like Jamie Oliver after being taken over by the Autons from Doctor Who. Anyway, the latest offering from Brand Jamie is just too horribly middle-class. It’s all about cooking from your back garden, but what Mr O fails to remember is that when your garden is a square of concrete in Lewisham, this programme is next to bleeding useless. A pointless outing unless you’re stinking rich and so painfully middle-class you have the space to grow beef tomatoes out the back. Which most of us don’t have the time or space to do. Sorry Jamie, must try harder.

Holby City (Tuesday 8pm, BBC1)

Is Holby City better than The Wire? Discuss… Not really, but I’d give a very spirited account for my beloved Holby if pressed. Ric and Thandie’s wedding looms, but is the bride-to-be about to be rumbled by the divine Connie?

Richard is My Boyfriend (Tuesday 11.05pm, C4)

A moving drama about the relationship between a woman with learning difficulties and a man with Down’s syndrome. The main theme is the legal implications surrounding the sterilisation of somebody with severe learning difficulties, and this places the actors in situations with real legal and healthcare professionals. A largely successful and thought-provoking experiment.

Malcolm and Barbara: Love’s Farewell (Wednesday 9pm, ITV1)

Not for the faint of heart, this documentary has lost its focus thanks to the controversy surrounding the mis-leading publicity for Paul Watson’s truthful and revealing documentary about the end of a man’s battle against Alzheimer’s disease. This heart-breaking piece follows up Watson’s 1999 film, Malcolm and Barbara: a Love Story, and will leave you thinking long after the credits role. The fact the film has been tarnished by the bitching and sniping going on between TV executives and the press is a disgusting circumstance, but it’s ultimately impossible to dilute the message of such an affecting piece of documentary television.

The Inspector Lynley Mysteries (Thursday 8pm, BBC1)

You’d think Inspector Lynley would smile a bit more, considering he’s a Lord and absolutely loaded to boot. But no, with his wife offed at the end of the last series, he’s hit the bottle, and things don’t get any better when his godson’s body turns up in a drain. Thank God for DS Havers then, with the simple charms of the common woman, who always pulls her dour boss out of his funk to solve the crime before he heads off for dinner at The Ivy.

My Name is Earl (Thursday 10pm, C4)

A Christmas episode that leads into a further two-parter. I always get quite wistful watching festive episodes out of season, and this is the usual fun from one of the most enjoyable US sitcoms. This week is especially worth it for Randy’s preparations before declaring his undying love for Catalina. And frankly who can blame him?

After last week’s defeat, Bruno’s team had just six members compared to Arlene’s seven. If anything, the troupe worked better as a sextet, avoiding the boy-girl imbalance that hampered their first team number last week. This week’s theme was Rock, which covered everything from 1950s-style rock’n’roll to edgy, modern day rock. And it was the latter that Bruno’s team started with, giving a confident performance to I Like The Way You Move although the team’s coordination faltered a little toward the end. And I have to say that Marcquelle’s hat work didn’t do anything for me. Arlene felt that Rana didn’t ‘rock’ and was out of time all the way through, which I have to say I couldn’t see.

Next up, Arlene’s team danced to Can’t Stop The Beat from Hairspray. And thankfully, Emanuel was given less prominence this time round, allowing Kalvin and Ife to come to the fore. And while both are rock’n’roll champions, the rest of the group semed far less comfortable with the style. Singer Ashley, in particular, tended to look a little lost — a by-product, in part, of the seven-strong group having to cope with a style that works best with couples.

In the singing round, Team Bruno delivered a close harmony version of Alannah Myles’ Black Velvet which worked really well, with fantastic lead vocals particularly from Marie and Claire. Indeed, although Claire still tends to dominate the musical performances, Marie’s style is far more pleasant to listen to, and it would be great to see her lead a vocal performance all the way through before the series is out.

In contrast to that powerhouse performance, Arlene’s group fell to pieces somewhat with a version of the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ Can’t Stop. Daniel started off disastrously with a performance that relied more on shouting than on tuning, and it was pretty much downhill all the way from there. Both Kalvin and Ashley struggled valiantly to bring the performance back on track, but by then it was too late. Even Arlene’s own panel couldn’t disguise their disappointment with the performance.

On to the song and dance round, and Bruno’s team used Wilson Pickett’s Land of a Thousand Dances to try and showcase the entire group’s strengths, revolving around performances from Phoenix and Marcquelle as the troupe’s principals. I think all delivered, even though Arlene was quite right to point out that Daniele and Marie’s around-the-world was a faltering one. However, her criticisms of the dance as not being rock’n’roll enough were completely off-beam.

In the final group performance, Team Arlene performed to Walk This Way. And while Ashley proved her vocal ability once again, proving that she can dominate the entire group when on lead vocals even if her dancing ability is behind the others’, I have to say that the whole number left me feeling a little flat.

After a crowd-pleasing face-off number between the two camps, the results came in — and, despite dominating in each of the three main rounds, Bruno’s team lost for a second week in a row. I can understand last week’s vote, but this? I think it shows that the voting is based more on which individuals have built up a strong support, and that predominantly the live performances can have very little impact on the final result. Which worries me, as it could mean that Bruno’s team end up losing week after week when Team Arlene could do with a little pruning to end up all the stronger.

Come the decision, and with Marcquelle and Phoenix given the front line roles this week, I think it was obvious from the outset that Daniele would be leaving. I think it’s a shame, as the programme as a whole has lost a charismatic performer — but we’ll almost certianly lose some more of those before the series is out.

Read vocal coach CeCe Sammy’s exclusive column every week only in The Stage print edition, on sale every Thursday.

• Previously: Week 3 / Week 2 / Week 1

Anybody who’s perused the internet for TV-related news this week can’t have failed to notice the rumours that James Nesbitt was to replace David Tennant as Doctor Who. The reasoning, the theory went, was that as Coupling creator and Doctor Who writer Steven Moffat (responsible for last season’s brilliant Blink) has long been tipped to replace Russell T Davies’s abnormally large shoes as showrunner should the Welshman ever move on, then Moffat would bring in someone he’d recently worked with.

And there was just enough credibility in this rumour for it to gain a little traction. For starters, it kicked off in the pages of The Sun, a paper whose Doctor Who scoops have frequently been ahead of the curve. Even when it gets things wrong, as it did in stating that Freema Agyeman had been sacked as Martha Jones, there has often a small element of truth in there (in Agyeman’s case, the character was leaving as a regular companion, although she’ll return next year in both Torchwood and Doctor Who for several episodes each). Also, both Christopher Eccleston and David Tennant had worked on major series with Russell T Davies before the show’s 2005 revival (The Second Coming and Casanova respectively), suggesting the pattern may repeat if Moffat took the chair.

So those tenuous connections, combined with the seemingly universal public desire for Moffat to be handed the reins when Davies relinquishes them, sent the rumour mill into overdrive.

There was just one problem. As with a Daily Star reporter’s story about Britney Spears appearing in the show as a sex-mad clone, it just wasn’t true.

Moffat himself popped up on the message boards of fan website Outpost Gallifrey to state:

The James Nesbitt story is a total fabrication. Made up. A fantasy. Just a guy sitting at a desk and just inventing stuff.

I wasn’t going to say anything, but I’m getting embarrassed for the deeply wonderful Jimmy Nesbitt. So tell everyone please, cos it’s getting very silly.

And who are we to deny such a polite request?

Coronation Street (Friday 7.30pm, ITV1)

Showing it can still run light comedy alongside the more dramatic storylines from the cobbles, Corrie continues the Steve/Eileen abroad plot – with hilarious results! After getting blind drunk, Steve wakes up in bed next to his employee, and neither can remember what happened. Gasp! Later Steve gets on well with a girl called Shania – but is she all that she seems? Of course she isn’t!

Grumpy Old Women (Friday 10pm, BBC2)

Well, they’re not that grumpy, or particularly aged for that matter, but there ain’t a lot else on. And I’m sorry, but I still refuse to recommend Big Brother.

The Shield (Friday 11pm, Five)

Vic delves deeper into who killed Lem, and things are made difficult for the Strike Team with the death of a city official’s daughter. Alongside The Wire, this is one of the best crime dramas to come out of America and is never short of compelling.

Empathy (Saturday 9pm, BBC1)

A fairly bog-standard piece of supernatural fare that lacks any verve or style to make it ultimately forgettable. Stephen Moyer plays Jimmy Collins, an ex-con who finds he has the power to touch the minds of those he comes into physical contact with. Naturally, he finds himself assisting the police with a murder investigation. The whole thing is lacking somewhat, but kind of watchable.

Deadliest Catch (Saturday 7pm, C4)

Since signing up for the Sky dollar, I’ve become obsessed with this documentary series about the dangerous life of crab fishermen in the Bering Sea on the Discovery Channel. Now it comes to C4 in all its addictive glory. Boy, those crabs are big!

The Day of the Triffids (Saturday 7pm, BBC4)

A triple-bill covering the final episodes of one of the BBC’s finest sci-fi drama series. It’s so tense and grim you’ll want a big hug afterwards. The final episode contains one of my most cherished childhood TV images of a land rover running down a triffid with a fantastic crunching sound.

Gregory’s Girl (Saturday 10.30pm, BBC2)

Surely one of the funniest British films ever made, Gregory’s Girl is being used here to highlight the theme of romance and coming of age in British movies. John Gordon Sinclair is the perfect embodiment of clumsy teenage longing as he lusts after female school soccer star Dorothy (Dee Hepburn), but ends up getting off with Clare Grogan instead. Brilliant!

Hart to Hart (Sunday 9am, UKTV Drama)

I’m only highlighting this as I’m hoping that somebody might be able to tell me how an earth the adventures of millionaire detectives Jonathan and Jennifer Hart can end up on UKTV Drama. Well?

Weeds (Sunday 10pm, Sky One)

One of the US’s best dramas is back for a second season following a long absence from Sky One’s schedules. Golden Globe winner Mary-Louise Parker is back as dope-selling suburbanite Nancy, who finds she has slept with a bloke from the DEA in the resolution to the season one cliffhanger. It’s wittily written and the cast are uniformly fantastic, especially Parker, who finds herself up for a Best Actress Emmy this year.

Grownups (Sunday 10pm, BBC3)

A return for the hit and generally miss sitcom from the team behind Two Pints of Lager… It’s worth it for the talents of Sheridan Smith, who works hard with quite weak material, managing to be sweet and sexy all at the same time. Better than Hyperdrive, but that’s no recommendation.

I just wanted to give a standing ovation to Barbara Pointon, widow of Malcolm Pointon, the subject of Paul Watson’s documentary, Malcolm and Barbara: Love’s Farewell. Of course, we all know that this documentary, following the final days of Malcolm Pointon in the face of Alzheimer’s Disease, is now at the centre of a new row over TV fakery. In the last couple of days, the director has claimed ITV has used him as a scapegoat over the claim in a press release that the documentary showed the moment of Malcolm’s death.

But it takes Barbara Pointon to hold herself with dignity and step up and adopt the only stance that can be taken. While the press are performing as expected and using the opportunity to have a swipe at yet another TV channel, and TV execs attempt to duck and dive to avoid the blame, Mrs Pointon appeared on Five Live.

“The film ends with a freeze frame, a still image, which very simply, very sensitively, and very poignantly sends the message Malcolm has died… end of story. Does it really matter whether it was two minutes, two days, or two weeks after that point? It doesn’t alter the fact Malcolm died of this illness.”

she said during the interview.

Could it be that Barbara Pointon is implying that everybody should stop bitching about whether the documentary shows the moment of her husband’s death or not and start remembering the intention behind what is clearly an intimate and important documentary. Could she be showing her understandable disdain of an industry that is starting to resemble a kindergarten? In other words, let’s restore some dignity to the situation and not lose sight of the bigger picture. Please.

“And that’s the message I wanted to get through - that Alzheimer’s kills. The whole deathbed scene is a couple of minutes at most. There is another hour and 28 minutes of very important stuff that needs to be talked about.”

summed up Mrs Pointon. Now, everybody, please read these words and remember that Barbara Pointon is the only person involved in this who should have the last word.

And you know that other hour and 28 minutes of very important stuff? It doesn’t include any finger pointing about the wording of a press release, okay?

Unlike the residents, viewers have been leaving Meadowlands in droves, with Tuesday’s episode being watched by a pitifully small 840,000 die-hards like myself. Which is a shame, because it appears that Cape Wrath is finally getting going.

Jack Donnelly’s corpse continued to dominate this week, after being found dumped next to a pavement. Seemingly anxious to make himself look as guilty as possible, Danny (David Morrissey) proceeded to examine what he thought was the body’s final resting place, only to find a crash test dummy in its place.

The mysterious Ormond (Sean Harris), the man who Danny thought had followed him from the ‘real world’, had to be seen to have killed Donelly himself, we learn. He may have thanked Danny for doing his job back when Jack was lying in a bloody heap, but that seriously messed up Samantha’s plans to keep all the residents of Meadowlands so scared that they dare not leave the toytown lakeside village.

Meanwhile, Evelyn (Lucy Cohu) begs Doctor McDreary not to tell Danny that he’s infertile and he can’t be the father of his two messed-up kids. It seems that they were the product of a ‘silly fling’, and she had no idea that Danny wasn’t the father. Yeah, right. Unfortunately, Lucy Cohu has been playing Evelyn as an intelligent woman up until this point, and this sudden flight of stupidity does the character no favours at all.

That didn’t rankle quite as much as the character of Golfer Tom (Scot Williams). Or, as we found out this week, that should actually be Used-To-Be-Pulitzer-Prize-Winning-Journalist Tom. And still is Very-Bad-At-Doing-An-American-Accent Tom. What is it with trying to get British talent to do American accents these days? Paterson Joseph in Jekyll was even worse, but quite why it’s deemed necessary is a mystery. Presumably Cape Wrath’s co-producers, American cable channel Showtime, wanted a transatlantic presence in Meadowlands. It’s just a shame that the budget obviously couldn’t stretch to an actor with a native twang. Surely there’s a UK resident who could have fitted the bill, even if the shy and retiring John Barrowman wasn’t available?

While mysteries abound on that level, more satisfying ones are starting to surface within the drama itself. As Ormond is dragged away from Danny, after claiming that he was protecting his family rather than threatening it, he yells to all who can hear, “Tell them about Cape Wrath!” It would appear that the UK name for this drama is about to take on a new relevance. One can hope that the next episode answers Ormond’s pleas — but I can’t help wishing that they’d done so a couple of episodes earlier.

I have friends who routinely opine that they are jealous of my job. “Cor, it must be great to get paid to watch telly,” they grumble on a routine basis. Yes, but I don’t really get paid to watch television (well, maybe a tiny bit). And you know, I couldn’t think of anything worse, especially when we live in a time when the TV industry feels about as welcome in polite conversation as Osama Bin Laden at a fondue party. Every story cropping up at the moment seems to be a further indictment of the evil and deceptive nature of what gets served up on the box in the corner of the room. It’s very depressing.

Yes, I watch an inordinate amount of television, but I pride myself that it’s generally high quality fare (and erm, Rough Diamond). But there are times when even I find myself having to take a step back from the edge of TV madness and question what I’m doing in the name of research.

Take this afternoon, for instance. In an idle moment waiting for some breaking soap news, I found myself wondering if the title sequence for Man from Atlantis was on YouTube…

A quick tippity-tap of the qwerty keyboard later, and not only had I procured the title sequence for this early Patrick Duffy vehicle, complete with yellow Speedos and webbed-fingers, but also clips galore. And there went the afternoon.

Now I ask you, is watching low-resolution clips from a frankly terrible TV series from the 1970s a constructive use of anybody’s time, let alone a so-called TV journalist? And then if you begin to question the fact that we live in a world where we’re actually able to do such a thing, madness is surely just around the corner?

If you need me, I’ll be lying down in a darkened room watching The West Wing to restore some sanity.