What fresh madness is this?!

In Monday’s Square Eyes, in the middle of finding an avenue for my “jealous rage” against Hugh Laurie, I also found time to highlight my current loathing for Jamie Oliver (look, I’m not really as bad tempered as I come over, okay?). Well, my distaste for the pukka tucker producer has notched up a level thanks to the news that he’s been transformed into a children’s cartoon character by Aardman Animation.

It’s not April Fool’s Day, is it? 52 episodes are reportedly to be produced, featuring Oliver as a plucky ten-year-old, teaching his young audience about the delights of food and health. All very commendable, and that outlook has always been the best thing about Brand Jamie…

But, just look at the picture accompanying the BBC report, showing “Little J” in all his line-drawn glory, which could have been drawn by Hieronymus Bosch. By all that’s holy and sainted, what is that? Jamie looks like he’s been transformed from chubby likeable wide boy into an albino 8 year old who has some major dental issues. If that wasn’t scary enough, he looks like he’s carrying a talking head of broccoli to really give the kids nightmares.

That’s not too much of a worry when compared to the cast of whacky characters assembled for Little J’s culinary adventures. There’s resident scientist, Eggs Benedict, which is a cute name, but I’m not sure about the chicken sitting on his head. That could get quite messy. Then we have Nonna, a “spiritual-cum-culinary guru” who will be Jamie’s guide on his quest. Spiritual and culinary? Richard Dawkins is going to be all over this like a rash, isn’t he?

But these are nothing compared to the warning signs given off by the notion of one of Jamie’s buddies being a depressed ham. Depressed? He looks positively joyous and well adjusted in the picture, but I can see the concept of a depressed ham becoming as popular and cherished among the nation’s children as Eeyore the depressed donkey. One assumes this singular character will be voiced by Brian Blessed on a downer?

Jamie’s desire to educate the nation’s children is, as always, commendable, but this just seems a little ill advised. It could be telling that, as yet, no channel has signed up to the series. Maybe the ham just depressed them too much…

Still, this isn’t as crazy an idea as turning Ainsley Harriott into a cartoon character, alongside Suzy Salt and Percy Pepper. Thank every deity you pray to that little project never got off the ground.