September 2008 Archives

There are, I’m sure, a number of responses to be elicited when told that the creator of Gimme, Gimme, Gimme has created a new sitcom for BBC2 — not all of them complimentary.

But Jonathan Harvey has done just that, and after the first two episodes of Beautiful People landed on the TV Today doormat recently, I have to say that it looks like it’s going to be a finely crafted, rather sweet, and often incredibly funny series.

The show is based on the memoirs of the same name by Simon Doonan, and each episode features a flashback from Simon’s current life as the creative director of Barney’s department store in New York to his previous life, as an awkward, fey teenager growing up in late 1990’s Reading. Together with his best friend Kyle — who only answers to the name of Kylie, and whose wardrobe includes outrageous rainbow-coloured clothes, and more than one feather boa — they dream of a life among the beautiful people.

Which, it has to be admitted, Simon’s family are not. However, they are quite sweet in their own way, and the outrageous caricatures that formed the bedrock of Gimme Gimme Gimme’s humour are absent. This is much closer in spirit to Harvey’s acclaimed stage work, including Beautiful Thing, which places believable family relationships at the heart of his comedy.

Poor Richard Bacon - it seems the disgraced former Blue Peter presenter has not been invited to the 50th birthday party being held by the Queen in honour of the legendary children’s television programme. Bacon was sacked from the show in 1998 following allegations in the press that he had taken cocaine. It seems that when the party is held at Buckingham Palace, if Bacon turns up at the door along with his fellow roster of past presenters, his name won’t be down, and he won’t get in.

The subject of the Blue Peter party was discussed on the presenter’s Radio Five Live show, in which he indicated he was yet to receive an invite. He also spoke to another former Blue Peter presenter, Janet Ellis, who was with the show from 1983 to 1987. She told Bacon:

“I stayed in all day, it didn’t come in the post…”

perhaps somewhat tongue in cheek. Ellis brought the harsh light of controversy to the famously wholesome Blue Peter by announcing that she was pregnant out of wedlock.

The Sarah Jane Adventures (Monday 4.35pm, BBC1)

The return of one of the most joyous children’s dramas of the last couple of years, featuring a character who first appeared on our screens more than 30 years ago. Yes, Elisabeth Sladen returns as the legendary Sarah Jane Smith, investigative journalist, alien hunter and one time companion to Doctor Who, having all sorts of jolly adventures once more. On hand are her young friends Clyde, Maria and adopted son Luke, and in the attic is super computer Mr Smith. In this first, two-part adventure, Sarah and the gang take on one of Sarah’s oldest enemies from her travels with the Doctor. Eeeek! Catch the second episode straight after on CBBC, and if you miss this, The Sarah Jane Adventures will be series stacked on the BBC iPlayer. Hurrah!

Place of Execution (Monday 9pm, ITV1)

The best ITV drama since He Kills Coppers continues as journalist Catherine Heathcote delves deeper into the disappearance of young Alison Carter in 1963, and finds that certain things aren’t adding up. Why has the former lead investigative officer pulled out of contributing to her documentary about the case? Did his obsession with the case over 30 years ago cause him to resort to desperate measures? Beautifully told in flashback to the events of 1963, this is an accomplished piece of work, and after last week’s strong start, I hope the ratings hold.

Losing It: Griff Rhys Jones on Anger (Tuesday 9pm, BBC2)

Second part of this documentary series with Griff Rhys Jones delving deep into the things that make his blood boil. While there is fun to be had here, there is a serious side, and its quite sobering to see Jones confronting his dark side. A fascinating watch.

Jamie’s Ministry of Food (Tuesday 9pm, C4)

After messing around with his wood-burning oven in the back garden for his last Channel 4 outing, Jamie Oliver gets back to the weightier end of food on television, when he travels to Rotherham to wage war on the town’s unhealthy diet. He attempts to teach 10 non-cooks a range of simple, nutritious dishes that they can add to their repertoire and hopefully start to cook on a regular basis, rather than going out for kebab and chips. Love him or loath him, Jamie is capable of thought-provoking television.

Coming of Age (Tuesday 10.30pm, BBC3)

BBC3 continues its mission to be painfully hip and down with the young audience it is desperate to attract with this woefully misfiring sit-com about a group of sixth form students. It’s hackneyed and feels like it was made about 10 years ago with gags that fail to hit their mark with alarming regularity. Just because it’s written by a 19 year old doesn’t mean it’s going to appeal to the youngsters. Avoid.

Silent Witness (Wednesday 9pm, BBC1)

A BBC long-runner returns, with Emilia Fox on hand as Nikki Alexander, alongside colleagues Leo and Harry (William Gaminara and Tom Ward). When Leo is convicted of a drink driving offence, he is sent on community service, where he encounters gang and its associated knife culture. Soon the team are pitched into investigating a gang-related murder, with Leo bang in the middle of it all. Silent Witness is low on laughs, but as ever, it’s well made and highly watchable.

Heroes (Wednesday, 9pm, BBC2)

All right then, impress me. Go on, let’s see what you’ve got. As this third season of Heroes begins, either the mis-firing second season was an unfortunate, isolated error, or the qualities that brought so much attention to season one really were a case of the emperor’s new clothes. Whether we’ll see this show in the altogether by the end of this run, or back at atop the pile of US genre dramas remains to be seen.

Beautiful People (Thursday 9.30pm, BBC2)

A promising new sitcom, based on the best-selling memoirs of Simon Noonan, the now creative director of Barney’s department store in New York. Growing up in suburban Reading of the 1990s, the young Simon dreams of escaping a dreary existence that is seriously lacking in glamour. Where, oh where, are the beautiful people? Quirky and fun, this might just do the business - the cast includes Olivia Colman, Aidan McCardle and Meera Syal. Look out tomorrow for TV Today’s extended preview of Beautiful People, and series scriptwriter Jonathan Harvey will be interviewed in the next issue of The Stage, on sale Thursday 2nd October.

The Graham Norton Show (Monday 10pm, BBC2)

Graham Norton returns with the always-entertaining chat show that seems to come so effortlessly to him. The guests are rarely the most-important part of the show’s appeal, it’s what they (and the audience) are asked to do throughout, but with The Simpsons voice artist Harry Shearer on the sofa tonight, there should be plenty of laughs regardless.

The second week of the sixth series, and it was the turn of the female celebrities and their professional partners to dance in competition. How would the suave formality of the foxtrot compete with the vivacious party atmosphere of the salsa? As it turned out, it wouldn’t, although there was much enjoyment audience to be gained from both.

Reviews of each competitive routine, with video, after the jump.

The Tudors (Friday 9pm, BBC2)

We know it’s been coming, but in this penultimate episode of the cracking second season of The Tudors, Henry’s henchman, Thomas Cromwell, starts the task of gathering some fairly flimsy evidence against Queen Anne, so H can lop off her head and go and marry Jane Seymour (no not that Jane Seymour). The silliness seems to evaporate tonight, as the stark reality of Anne’s situation hits her and a cell in the Tower is made vacant for the Queenly presence. Now, I wonder happens next week…

Wire in the Blood (Friday 9pm, ITV1)

What’s that, you say? Some nasty serial killer type is going round offing the prostitutes of Bradfield? You have got to be kidding? Well, there’s nothing for it, we’d better call in mad as a box of frogs criminal psychologist Tony Hill to come and sort it… What? He’s not here? Yes, the police are left having to do their dirty work in the first of a new two-part Wire in the Blood, as Tony (the bouncy Robson Green) is off at a conference for psychologist types. And, as you’d imagine, one of Tone’s fellow psychologists ends up on the wrong end of a nasty death… With his track record, it’s amazing Tony ever gets invited anywhere.

Heroes Countdown (Friday BBC3, 9pm)

Considering the amount of folding stuff that the BBC reportedly paid for Heroes, it’s no wonder Auntie tries to wring as much mileage as it can from the series. Ahead of the show’s third season (or volume… rolls eyes), which premieres next week, this behind the scenes froth piece features cast interviews about just how great it is to be in Heroes and blah blah blah. I was very down on the second season on this very blog (you know, because it was rubbish and all), but I’m prepared to dive in and give this new run a fair crack of the whip.

John Adams (Saturday 5.30pm, More4)

A timely showing for this critically acclaimed US mini-series, considering it swept the boards at the Emmys earlier this week, including a best supporting actor gong for Blighty’s very own Tom Wilkinson. Paul Giamatti stars in this HBO biopic as the eponymous Adams, the second president of the United States of America, and one of the country’s most influential founding fathers. It also stars Laura Linney (also picking up an Emmy, along with with Giamatti), and as you’d imagine is a sumptuous historical romp through the life of a great man.

Merlin (Saturday 6pm, BBC1)

Mmm, I’m not sure how the Beeb hopes to build up a regular audience for its new Saturday night fantasy adventure series if it keeps shunting it around the schedules. Tonight’s story of everyday Camelot people is on a whole 90 minutes earlier than it was last week. Oh well. This week, Prince Arthur is entered into a competition to compete against other knights in knightly type things. Like sword fighting. And, erm… sword fighting. No doubt Merlin will stop a glass of water from spilling, which seems to be the extent of his powers at the moment, and Guinevere (stop calling her Gwen for crying out loud) will complain about not liking boys. It’s enjoyable, and Will Mellor is on hand tonight as an evil knight, but Merlin is going to have to keep running fast to remain truly distinctive.

Strictly Come Dancing (Saturday 6.45pm, BBC1)

Up this week are the female competitors, dancing a foxtrot or a salsa to delight or frustrate judges Arlene Phillips, Craig Revel Horwood, Bruno Tonioli and the grumpy but always loveable Len Goodman. As always, you can score along at home, and Scott will be bringing you his always-sage thoughts on the evening’s shocks and frocks sometime over the weekend.

The X Factor (Sunday 7pm, ITV1)

The X Factor? On a Sunday? How gauche…

Tess of the D’Urbervilles (Sunday 9pm, BBC1)

One thing you don’t do, under any circumstances, is tell your new husband about the illegitimate child you bore following your rape by a cad and a bounder, on your wedding night. It’s about the worst idea in the history of bad ideas, and Tess’s new hubby, Angel Clare, is none too pleased about his bride’s wedding night revelation. Ooops. Life turns a bit pants after this for our Tess, who still glides through life with a charming naiveté thanks to Gemma Arterton’s winning turn as the titular heroine. It’s a depressing story, but strangely uplifting.

Agatha Christie’s Poirot (Sunday 9pm, ITV1)

I like that the writers for this highly enjoyable run of new cases for Hercule Poirot have gone off piste somewhat, what with Mark Gatiss of The League of Gentlemen penning last week’s, and now with The Third Girl we have Peter Flannery, writer of Our Friends In the North. It’s all as you’d imagine with the usual impeccable period detail, social manners and furtive glances, with Poirot, dapper as ever, gliding through proceedings in his mannered way. And tonight’s test of the leetle grey cells? A girl who thinks she’s killed her old nanny. Just another day for Hercule Poirot…

Who will join Phil and Flavia on the sidelines after this week? This week, it’s the turn of the lady celebrities and their partners, and we’ll be treated with four foxtrots and four salsas. It does seem a bit of an odd combination of disciplines — one highly technical ballroom dance, and a much more loose Latin style. Let’s hope that the judges — including those at home with their telephones in their hands — appreciate the differences.

Download this week’s Strictly Scoresheet — right-click the link and select “Save As…” or similar option, and then print out both pages.

Our ‘official’ review will be online after the results show. Before then, come back here with your scores and review the show amongst yourselves!

A mysterious door leads to a world of troubles for the characters of Pride and Prejudice — and pretty soon the whole novel’s plotlines begin to unravel as the characters become aware of their own destinies…

But this is not Lost in Austen, the Jemima Rooper-starring drama series which finished on Wednesday on ITV1. Instead, this is BBC Radio 4, and the Afternoon Play. Thursday’s production was Unseen Austen by Judith French, which sees Lydia and Kitty Bennet discover the manuscript of their own lives.

But the big question is — is it any good?

The new TV season across the pond is getting underway with the return of old favourites and some new kids on the network block, but there’s one old faithful that has kept me entertained for 14 years that embarks its 15th and final season this very evening in the US.

Yes, the first episode of ER’s last bow goes out on NBC tonight, resolving the climactic events of last season that left the lives of several main characters in jeopardy. Well, it was an ER season cliff-hanger, it wouldn’t have been right if they’d all just walked off and got a coffee, would it?

While I have absolutely no idea what happens - I’ve managed to stay spoiler free, and NBC is keeping the admission cards very close to its chest - I shall be there every week once season 15 comes to Channel 4, as it inevitably will. Just like I have been for the previous 14, going right back to my university days…

But for now, we have 22 more episodes of fine medical drama to come, with the producers promising a host of old faces returning to the fold from the long history of the show. It’s probably no surprise to see that original cast member Noah Wylie (aka Dr John Carter) will be on hand for four episodes throughout the run, which seems to be part of the deal the actor struck when he left full time duties at County General. I’d like to think we’ll see him in the very last episode to bring things full circle - the first episode saw the rookie medic’s first day in the ER.

Longtime readers of TV Today will know that I’m a huge fan of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, which airs in the UK on More4. Not only is its comedy hit rate far higher than most comedy shows, but Jon Stewart’s political interviews often manage to elicit more direct analysis of the issues than most current affairs shows.

I was particularly keen to watch last night’s show, where the main guest was slated to be former President Bill Clinton. Coming the day after Clinton’s appearance on David Letterman’s Late Show, where he seemed to be more enamoured with the Republican presidential candidate John McCain than he did with his own party’s choice, it was bound to be an interesting discussion.

Unusually, but appropriately for such a big interviewee, the interview started much earlier in the show than usual, so we got to see Clinton discuss the US economic situation (hardly grounds for topical humour, admittedly) before the ad break. Unfortunately, and as the Guardian’s Media Monkey blog also noticed, all we got to see after the ad break was the same part one all over again.

Thankfully, even though Comedy Central deny access to the ‘full episodes’ section of The Daily Show website if you’re outside the US, they do allow access on a section-by-section basis. So after the jump are the sections of last night’s show that never aired in the UK.

As Matt reported earlier this week, the UK now has its own version of US comedy clips website Funny or Die — and to help kickstart it, there are some preview clips of Matt Lucas and David Walliams’ new series, Little Britain USA. The show has been commissioned by US cable channel HBO, and will also be shown on BBC1.

A couple of other videos after the jump.

Over the last couple of days, much of the talk around the walkways and cloisters of TV Today towers has focussed on the departure of the BBC’s controller of fiction, Jane Tranter, to take up a post with BBC Worldwide in America as vice-president of programming and production.

Tranter’s departure is a vastly significant development, as she leaves behind a BBC drama department that’s in the best, most successful shape it’s been for years. Hit after hit (and Bonekickers) has arrived with almost unprecedented regularity, while ITVs drama output has become increasingly out of step.

It’s no wonder then that the press have been focussing on Tranter’s replacement in the drama department Ben Stephenson, and what her departure might mean for BBC drama as a whole… Few, however, are focussing on Tranter’s new job, and what she might be getting up to on the other side of the Atlantic….

ITV has released more details about the forthcoming don’t-call-it-Fame performing arts school drama, Britannia High. Attentive Stage readers will know that Matt has been chronicling the show’s development since January, and that just last week he revealed details of a companion radio show to be streamed on ITV.com.

The broadcaster’s latest press release goes into more details about some of the other online features that will be supporting the show — but first, here’s a glimpse of the new teaser trailer:

There are headlines from the world of TV news, and then there are headlines… Being perfectly honest, one headline I never thought I’d read when perusing the daily dispatches is:

Amanda Donohoe joins Emmerdale

I had to look twice and make sure I’d read it correctly, but it is indeed true that the former LA Law star will make her Dales debut sometime over Christmas as Natasha Wylde, one half of a sexy new couple…

The other half of this sexy new couple, Natasha’s husband, will be played by former Dynasty actor Maxwell Caulfield, also late of Casualty, which seems to add to the surreal sense of Hollywood glamour around the casting.

What with the BBC’s belt-tightening and all, the Corporation’s acquisition of US television programmes these days seems to concentrate on the top flight dramas and comedies which can help define its channels. Mad Men on BBC4 springs to mind, while on the more mainstream channels, Heroes plays well on both BBC2 and BBC3 (and, for the first two series at least, had a radio/podcast presence on BBC7).

When Jana Bennett, director of BBC Vision, spoke to the Banff World Television Festival in June, she told the world:

…this autumn, when NBC launches Heroes series three in the States, it will be aired simultaneously by the BBC in the UK.

Of course, by ‘simultaneously’, she really meant ‘ten days behind’ — but then we are talking BBC management time here, which seems, like Hiro Nakamura, to often run at a different rate to the rest of the world. And to be honest, ten days is far less time than we usually have to wait for a first-run US drama to hit our screens.

The third volume of Heroes, which will run up to Christmas, is subtitled ‘Villains’ (the fourth, as yet untitled, volume is due to start in the New Year). The first two episodes of Volume 3, The Second Coming and The Butterfly Effect, aired last night in the States. We’ll get the first episode on October 1, and in time-honoured form each of the next episodes will premiered on BBC3 straight afterward.

BBC2 Controller Roly Keating held a preview showing of the first episode for a handful of journalists this morning — and I was lucky enough to be one of them. More after the jump…

Caution: The following may contain mild spoilers…

Place of Execution (Monday 9pm, ITV1)

ITV continues its run of quality drama with this impressive and worthy crime thriller, executive produced by Robson Green and starring Juliet Stevenson, Lee Ingleby, Greg Wise and Philip Jackson. Stevenson is documentary filmmaker Catherine, who is working on a piece that documents the disappearance of a young girl, Alison, in 1963. When the detective who originally headed up the investigation gets cold feet about being involved in the film, the whole project is on the verge of collapse. Brilliantly played by all concerned (Lee Ingleby and Philip Jackson are particularly good as young and old versions of the detective) and the plot weaves its way expertly between vintage flashback and the present day. Definitely not a run-of-the-mill crime drama, if ITV isn’t careful, it’ll be winning back its reputation as a producer of quality drama.

Lipstick Jungle (Monday 10pm, Living)

A Candace Bushnell inspired drama series that will clearly suffer from comparisons to the writer’s earlier creation, Sex and the City. Well, when it’s set in New York, has plenty of glamour and is populated by three strong women trying to survive in a man’s world while buying lots of shoes, what do you expect? Lipstick Jungle is notable for the return of Brooke Shields to a starring role on TV, and she’s certainly still got it, but the execution of this show sells the cast short somewhat. Could try harder.

Losing It: Griff Rhys Jones on Anger (Tuesday 9pm, BBC2)

An insightful two-part documentary that reveals the intellectually gentle and loveable Griff Rhys Jones to be a sometimes scarily angry nutter. Grumpy Old Men this ain’t, and it’s quite touching to see Jones confronting his dark side and revisiting old friends and colleagues who have been on the wrong end of his rage. There are also contributions from other personalities on the subject of anger and how it manifests itself within us. This could have been supremely mawkish, but ends up being highly thought provoking.

Comedy Classics: Rising Damp (Tuesday 10.35pm, ITV1)

Manna from heaven for a TV history junkie like me, this talking heads show peppered with clips focuses on the best sitcom ever put out by ITV - the ever-classic Rising Damp. Writer Eric Chappell and cast member Don Warrington recall their time on the show, and are refreshingly honest about co-star Leonard Rossiter. The clips on offer show the brilliance that this show had and what a master class in comedy performance Rossiter gives as seedy landlord Rigsby, and will spark fond memories who for those who watched this on first transmission. Brilliant.

The Restaurant (Wednesday 8pm, BBC2)

The most insidiously addictive show on the box right now, tonight’s instalment of the reality show in which couples compete for the honour of running a restaurant for Raymond Blanc, are challenged to use every scrap of half an organic pig. One couple can win an exemption from the elimination round for the least amount of leftovers from the pig, combined with the tastiest recipes. Quite what some of the couples will serve up is almost too horrific to contemplate - just watch and be amazed!

Lost in Austen (Wednesday 9pm, ITV1)

The fizzily entertaining Lost in Austen comes to an end as Amanda still struggles to get the plot of Pride and Prejudice back on track - and appears to be failing miserably. There’s nothing for it but for Amanda to find a away back to reality and find out what’s been happening to the absent Elizabeth Bennet (I think I have my Bennet sisters all sorted now). Will all be well by the end of the episode, or might Amanda remain Lost in Austen for a second season. Or perhaps Lost in Gaskell could be the sequel… Nah, doesn’t quite have the same ring, does it?

Bones (Thursday 9pm, Sky One)

The popular American crime drama returns with a two-parter that sends forensic anthropologist Temperance Brennan (Emily Deschanel) and FBI agent Seeley Booth (Davie Boreanaz) to London. As you’d imagine, it’s the usual badly played Yanks in London type affair, with lots of blatant London landmarks and jokes about tea, but it’s all good fun. Noteworthy appearances from next big thing Andrew (The Fixer) Buchan and Indira Varma make this more than worth a watch.

No Heroics (Thursday 10.30pm, ITV2)

The second episode continues to show the potential in this daft sitcom about off duty superheroes, but you do get the sense that so much more could be done with the format. This week, two of the heroes aren’t too pleased to be guests at a fan convention, but sometimes superheroes have to do things they don’t want to. A lot of the gags misfire, but there are enough laughs to keep me coming back - just.

When I heard that Josh Groban was going to be performing at this weekend’s Emmy Awards, I did wonder if our own homegrown Bafta TV Awards might benefit from some similar mid-show entertainment.

On the strength of this performance, though, I’d say no. The task — to perform a medley of some of America’s most-loved TV theme tunes — was always going to be a tough one to pull off. The result is a bit of a mess, although it has moments of surreality: most notably an incredibly bizarre rendition of the theme to M*A*S*H, complete with high-kicking chorus girls…

Mind you, full credit to Groban for attempting the South Park and Fresh Prince of Bel Air themes with such gusto.

If there’s a facial expression that sums up Strictly Come Dancing, it’s the look that Tom Chambers gave to Camilla Dallerup as they stood at the top of the stairs, waiting to be announced at the top of the show. Part glee at being involved, part abject terror — that’s what Strictly is all about.

With a mammoth 16 couples this series, the celebrity ladies had only a group dance to contend with this week, as it was just their male counterparts in competition.

After the jump, review of the competition dances, with videos of each.

Ryder Cup (Friday-Sunday, Sky Sports 1)

It’s something about golf, apparently, but there’s no sign of Jimmy Tarbuck or Sean Connery anywhere…

The Daily Show with John Stewart (Friday 8.30pm, More4)

Always worth watching if you have an interest in events on the other side of the Atlantic - and right now, who doesn’t? But tonight is especially noteworthy as the special guest joining John Stewart is one Anthony Charles Lynton Blair, know to his friends as Tony. Mmm, that name has a familiar ring to it.

The Tudors (Friday 9pm, BBC2)

We’re rapidly approaching the climax to this entertaining second season of the daft yet engaging drama, and Queen Anne’s continued attachment to that pretty little head on her shoulders is becoming more precarious with each passing week. Things aren’t helped this week by the arrival of new lady in waiting Jane Seymour, who Anne is particularly frosty to, but Henry… well, let’s just say that his royal H-ness is his usual welcoming self…

Wire in the Blood (Friday 9pm, ITV1)

Concluding part of a two-part story in the grisly serial-killer drama. The hunt for a depraved killer continues (well, it is Wire in the Blood, what did you expect?), but things take a turn for the worst when somebody close to the investigation goes missing. To say Wire in the Blood is entertaining is something of a misnomer, but the series is always a good watch in crime drama terms.

Ugly Betty (Friday 9pm, C4)

Amanda discovers she is the daughter of Kiss band member Gene Simmons (no, really - the man himself even appears), and she performs a heavy metal tribute to her new Pa. I love Ugly Betty.

Strictly Come Dancing (Saturday 6.10pm, BBC1)

Everybody relax, it’s all going to be okay. Strictly is back! Between now and Christmas we have the ratings rollercoasters of Strictly Come Dancing and The X Factor to keep us entertained. Of course, Cowell and co are well into their stride by now, but this dance show will no doubt catch up very quickly. Tonight, the boys get to show off their moves, with talent on offer from the likes of Andrew Castle, Gary Rhodes and erm… John Sergeant. This week will also see the girls, including Jessie Wallace and Rachel Stevens, taking part in a group presentation. And of course, the show wouldn’t be complete without Brucie and Tess. As always, TV Today will be reviewing each episode of this series, courtesy of Scott, and to help things along, he has provided a downloadable scoresheet so you can give the couples marks at home - find it right here!

Merlin (Saturday 7.30pm, BBC1)

The new great hope for Saturday night drama on BBC1, Merlin is slick, pretty and entertaining. Colin Morgan is the young Merlin, arriving at Camelot to take up an apprenticeship with court physician Gaius (Richard Wilson). Soon he is caught up in a plot by a witch to destroy the family of Uther Pendragon and he must use his latent magical powers to defeat her. The only problem being, magic has been outlawed in Camelot… A promising start - look here for our more detailed preview of Merlin.

Casualty (Saturday 9.05pm, BBC1)

A notable episode of Casualty sees the return of Michael French to the Holby fold as the acid-tongued Nick Jordan takes over the running of the emergency department. He’s a force to be reckoned with, and provides a much needed kick up the backside to the tone of this long-running series. Long may it continue!

Tess of the D’Urbervilles (Sunday 9pm, BBC1)

Tess is in a bit of a pickle as she returns home with a baby in tow, leading to lots of sorrowful looks every 30 seconds from our heroine. But when she goes to work on a dairy farm, she meets Angel Clare, who our Tess clearly has the hots for, and love soon blossoms between the pair. Tragedy, of course, can’t be far too far away.

Poirot (Sunday 9pm, ITV1)

Harriet Walter guest stars in more sumptuous Agatha Christie sleuthing with Hercule Poirot as the headmistress of Meadowbank Academy, one of the best school for gels in Britain. But things are afoot, and that’s why the headmistress has called in our favourite Belgian detective. Priceless jewels mysteriously end up among the belongings of one of the school girls, and then members of staff start ending up on the wrong end of a javelin - will the leetle grey cells be enough to solve this case?

Dexter (Sunday 10pm, FX)

The season finale of arguably the best drama on television anywhere in the world. This has been a taut 12 weeks of viewing to get to this point, and as with all things Dexter, nothing is certain and all bets are off. And that’s all I’m prepared to say.

And we’re back. For the next fourteen weeks, it’ll be wall-to-wall sequins and spandex, as the sixteen celebrities and their professional partners battle it out on the dancefloor on Saturday, we find out who’s been booted off on Sunday, and then everybody chats about stuff on It Takes Two Monday to Friday on BBC2.

As with last year, TV Today will be reviewing every episode — and again, as last year, we’ll provide you with score sheets to download and mark each couple’s performance.

This week, only the male celebrities and their partners are competing for your votes, with either a waltz or a cha-cha-cha.

Strictly Scoresheet, week 1 (PDF) - right-click the link and select “Save As…” or similar option, and then print out both pages.

After Saturday’s show, feel free to come back here and give us your scores and your thoughts: we may include some of the best comments in our full review, which will come along later.

In today’s Guardian, China correspondent Tania Branigan reports that its version of the hit Colombian telenovela Yo Soy Betty la Fea (which we know as the hit ABC version, Ugly Betty) is being criticised for its choice of lead actress:

Hunan Television’s version goes on air next week, and according to the Oriental Morning Post, one of the cast had said that Ugly Wudi was so “extremely ugly” he did not have the words to describe it.

But when the show’s star appeared for her first press conference, “many thought she was in fact a beauty” behind her braces and frumpy clothes.

The Information Times added indignantly: “Lin Wudi is much less ugly than Betty.”

Because the US version’s lead actress, America Ferrera, and her Colombian predecessor, Ana Maria Orozco, are just hideous in real life…

From an actor’s point of view, America Ferrera has said that the diiference between her and Betty’s look is an advantage. In a 2006 interview with USA Today, she said:

As an actor, it’s almost easier to go really far when I’m in a costume, when it’s somebody who’s not me, because (Betty) goes through some pretty embarrassing and heartbreaking scenes … That isn’t easy for me as a person, but to hide behind her mask was easier.

Of course, sentiments similar to those from Chinese journalists were printed about Ferrera’s beauty, relative to Betty Suarez’s, just prior to Ugly Betty’s premiere. Once the series started, the hubbub tended to die down as journalists found other subjects to provide their column inches. I’d expect something similar in China once Ugly Wudi gets under way.

After this morning’s post about Cherie Lunghi’s possible prior dance experience, my attention has been drawn to this video by Holby City actor and fellow Strictly Come Dancing contestant, Tom Chambers:

The dance is a painstaking recreation of a famous routine by Fred Astaire that he performed in the 1937 film, A Damsel in Distress, and is the routine he referred to studying in minute detail at the press launch.

For me, there’s a bit too much Astaire and not enough Chambers in that routine, but it does show that he has aptitude in abundance. Let’s hope his professional partner, Camilla Dallerup, can effectively channel that into ballroom and Latin disciplines.

Well, no, not really - the top rating BBC television drama has a popular and brilliant Doctor Who of its own who, at least for the time being, doesn’t appear to be going anywhere. We have David Tennant for at least another year of special episodes, starting with this year’s Doctor Who Christmas special, also starring Dervla Kirwan and David Morrissey as a seemingly alternate version of the Time Lord. Beyond that, though, there’s a temptation to say: who knows? (Yes, sorry to anybody reading who recognises that last line, I couldn’t resist…).

But all anybody connected to Doctor Who has to say is “AN Other Actor would make a fantastic Doctor Who,” and the papers seem to pounce on it as gospel. Take this week with the serialisation in The Times of extracts from forthcoming book The Writers Tale, being a series of email correspondences between current executive producer of Doctor Who, Russell T Davies, and journalist Benjamin Cook.

In the book, Russell opines to Cook on the casting of actor Russell Tovey in the 2007 Christmas special, Voyage of the Damned:

“He’s amazing. I think I’d make him the eleventh Doctor.”

And cue the frenzy from the press, declaring:

“History Boy could be next Doctor Who”

“Tovey tipped for Doctor Who role”

“Russell Tovey the next Doctor?”

and so on…

The tabloid rumour mill is already running rampant as regards this year’s series of Strictly Come Dancing even before the first pair of cuban heels hits the dance floor.

Today, Tom Bryant in the Mirror breathlessly claims:

Exclusive: Strictly Con Dancing as we reveal Cherie Lunghi is a trained dancer

The BBC is facing new accusations of hoodwinking viewers - as it emerged yesterday that Strictly Come Dancing hopeful Cherie Lunghi is a trained dancer.

The actress admitted her extensive training during an interview in 2001 and said she had starred in ballet productions as a teenager, adding: “I was working in the profession from a very young age.”

Every year, the mainstream press seems to require one actress to take on the role of “woman with dance training”. Last year it was Letitia Dean, who would have done some dance training as part of her vocational studies at Sylvia Young Theatre School, albeit over two decades ago. And, as I pointed out at the time, Matt Di Angelo, a fellow Sylvia Young alumnus, would have had similar training much more recently, yet never faced such accusations (the tabloid press, making sexist assumptions? Surely not!)

This year, it seems it’s Cherie’s turn to play the role of Actress with Unfair Advantage. But is all what it seems?

With Doctor Who paring back production for episodes broadcast in 2009, Saturday nights are up for grabs again in the family adventure drama stakes on BBC1. Robin Hood will be returning in 2009 for third series (with a fourth already strongly hinted at despite the departure of Jonas Armstrong), but for now, it’s down to the BBC Wales/Shine series Merlin to put audiences under its spell between now and Christmas.

The series is a prequel to the legend we’ve seen many times before on film and TV and in books, with young Merlin arriving at a Camelot under the rule of King Uther Pendragon (a gruff Anthony Head). Magic has been outlawed by Uther, the use of which is punishable by death, which is a problem for Merlin as he’s got the power running through him like a river that’s burst its banks.

As the first episode unfolds, Merlin encounters a young and arrogant Prince Arthur, and is told of his destiny to guide the future king to greatness from the great dragon imprisoned deep beneath the castle… We’re also introduced to Guinevere, and Uther’s sister Morgana, along with a Richard Wilson as Merlin’s crotchety mentor Gaius.

And so the scene is set for 13 weeks of adventure, sword fights, sorcery and, no doubt, a little bit of snogging along the way.

But is it any good?

An interesting dovetailing of news stories presents two sides to a debate that is likely to run and run in the coming years - basically, the role of the Google-owned YouTube and its relationship with broadcasters, clips from whose programmes routinely end up on the website…

On the one hand, you have BBC Worldwide launching a YouTube channel solely dedicated to EastEnders, content for which will be classic clips from the veteran soap, alongside supporting material, such as chat show appearances by the cast.

On the other, we have ITV executive chairman Michael Grade labelling YouTube and its ilk “parasites” that exploit the programming broadcast by the company’s premier commercial broadcaster.

Ewan Spence writes: They managed it with Doctor Who, but can the BBC reinvent the Eurovision Song Contest in nine months?

With Terry Wogan standing down, now is the perfect time to reshape the UK’s view of Eurovision from a yearly obligation to something that is celebrated. Our next entry needs to step out on the stage, with the country believing they can do well.

The truth is, there is no political voting. Maybe this played a part when the jury was eight people in a room, but in a national phone poll, scrutinised by all, can you truthfully say that members of the public are deciding on the basis of foreign relations?

Grange Hill (Monday 4.35pm, BBC1)

Get the black armbands out to mark the passing of a television legend. Yes, it’s the final episode of Grange Hill, seeing Todd Carty return as Tucker Jenkins to say farewell. A sad, sad day.

Masterchef: the Professionals (Monday 6.30pm, BBC2)

I really warmed up to this spin on the Masterchef brand after a shaky first week, and now we’re into finals week and it’s going to be tense. First up this evening, two of the quarter-finals winners compete against each other for a place in the grand final later in the week. They start off cooking in the kitchen of a top restaurant before hotfooting it back to Masterchef HQ to cook a final meal to impress Gregg and Michelle.

What to Eat Now (Monday 8.30pm, BBC2)

More cooking, and What to Eat Now introduces a new TV chef onto the scene in the form of the posh, yet genial, Valentine Warner. He seems to have a great enthusiasm for the subject at hand, which is surely the only requirement for culinary superstardom, although recent shots of him with a fish down his pants on the cover of the Observer Food Monthly are a little disconcerting. Should Jamie and Gordon be worried? Let’s wait and see…

The Children (Monday 9pm, ITV1)

This cracking drama concludes as Emily’s killer is unmasked, but don’t expect a neat climax. The real success of this drama has been the way Lucy Gannon’s script has manipulated which characters our sympathies lie with from one minute to the next, with a top-notch cast rising to the challenge. If ITV was serving up fare like this on a regular basis, the company’s reputation for drama might not be in such a terrible state.

Mutual Friends (Tuesday 9pm, BBC1)

The enjoyable but predictable comedy drama continues as Martin and Jen, getting their marriage back on track, try for a baby to bring the family together again. Elsewhere, Patrick (Alexander Armstrong, on fantastic form) is having the usual relationships problems, but then discovers he isn’t the father of Sarah’s child.

Katy Brand’s Big Ass Show (Tuesday 10pm, ITV2)

This isn’t a recommendation, it’s a warning: stay clear of this painfully unfunny sketch show. It’s not Tittybangbang bad, but it isn’t that far away from it. Poor, very poor.

Lost in Austen (Wednesday 9pm, ITV1)

Tonight’s episode of Lost in Austen is a case in point as to why adapting the classics for television and film is a good idea. Each new interpretation can bring with it a new perspective, and in some cases, even add elements to the shared experience of the story. We all know about Mr Darcy’s plunge into a pool and his subsequent damp encounter with Jane Bennet - but that didn’t happen in the book, only in the most famous BBC spin on Pride and Prejudice starring Colin Firth. But, tonight, Amanda’s heart is sent racing when she bumps into Darcy in exactly that moment. Lost in Austen is great fun and hugely entertaining, and sometimes that’s all we need.

The Family (Wednesday 9pm, C4)

Channel 4 serves up a modern spin on Paul Watson’s ground-breaking 1970s documentary series of the same name, although Watson has no involvement in this series. The series follows the same principal of Watson’s seminal work, taking cameras into the home of a family and… well, filming what they do. The Hughes family in this case allowed cameras to be installed in every room of the house (bathroom excepted), and it really is the very essence of the fly-on-the-wall genre. However, in a world saturated with reality television, The Family won’t come as much of a shock, although there is still something undeniably fascinating about the full spectrum of human nature…

No Heroics (Thursday 10.30pm, ITV2)

A new comedy from ITV that could suffer from having one great central gag that just isn’t sustainable for a full run. No Heroics poses the question: just what do superheroes do when they’re off duty? Well, like anybody, they go down the pub and have a pint. And that’s the gag. To be fair, there are others, and this does show a lot of promise with a decent cast - James Lance as Timebomb, Patrick Baladi as Excelsor amongst others. However, No Heroics will have its work cut out to keep the gag rate high - fingers crossed!

The Tudors (Friday 9pm, BBC2)

Living in Tudor times looks like a great hoot if you go by what The Tudors tells us. Lots of running around in big shirts and tight breeches, getting off with ladies in waiting while your wife is getting increasingly madder and madder. Poor old Anne Boleyn, she’s having bad dreams - which let’s face it, is the least of her worries in the grand scheme of things. Silly, but brilliantly so.

Wire in the Blood (Friday 9pm, ITV1)

When the remains of a Kurdish woman are found in a suitcase on moorland, DI Alex Fielding (Simone Lahbib) does what any self-respecting copper does - calls in clinical psychologist Tony Hill (Robson Green) to do all the work for her. It’s the one central flaw at the heart of this series that, like Inspector Morse, you have to just look the other way when the murder rate in the locality must be at ludicrous heights. Still, Wire in the Blood is always a good, if grim watch, and there’s something quite endearing about Hill’s slightly manic approach to the job in hand.

Humphrey Lyttleton: the Jazz Musician’s Jazz Musician (Friday 9pm, BBC4)

Tributes for the late and very great Humphrey Lyttleton keep flooding in, and this new piece from BBC4 is just as heart-warming and tearful as those that have come before. Friends remember Humph through the wide variety of work he did, with a focus on his career as a jazz musician and bandleader, and of course, as Samantha’s favourite gentleman friend as the chairman of* I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue. This is followed by *Humph’s Last Stand **at 10pm, being a performance from the Brecon Jazz Festival in 2007, and sadly, Humph’s last recorded piece for television.

Maestro - the Live Finale (Saturday 7.30pm, BBC2)

Live from Proms in the Park, Clive Anderson introduces Maestro winner Sue Perkins conducting the BBC Concert Orchestra and soloist Lesley Garrett. This has been a cracking little show, with tears, tantrums and Katie Derham saying the F-word. Forget Celebrity Masterchef, this is where it is in the celeb reality stakes. Well done Sue!

I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue (Saturday 10.30pm, BBC4)

A rare and precious thing, this is a recording of the touring version of I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue performed in Salford just three week’s before Humphrey Lyttleton’s death. There was something of a ritual in attending a theatre recording of the radio show, and this live tour was designed to give those who never got the chance to attend those over-subscribed recordings the opportunity to experience the gang in all their glory. All the games are present and correct, and Humph is on typically biting form. A thing of beauty.

Casualty (Saturday 8.20pm, BBC1)

Casualty returns with a slick two-part story that, like most Casualty season openers, convinces you that the long-running show has become genuinely exciting. Of course, we’ll be back to the usual old toot by this time next week, but let’s enjoy it for now. There’s a fire in a tower block that turns nasty when paramedics Dixie and Jeff become trapped within the blaze. The direction is top notch, and the tension is kept nice and high as the story concludes tomorrow night at 8pm.

Last Night of the Proms (Saturday 9.10pm, BBC1)

This year’s Proms, which appears to have been a huge success, comes to an end with a no doubt bracing performance from Bryn Terfel, before the usual ritual of flag-waving hysteria to Rule Britannia and Pomp and Circumstance. Rousing!

Tess of the D’Urbervilles (Sunday 9pm, BBC1)

A sumptuous and really rather lovely adaptation of Thomas Hardy’s classic novel casts Gemma Arterton (who is getting everywhere at the moment) as the titular heroine. She’s a wistful creature and ripe for manipulation by nasty types - here in the shape of Alec (Hans Matheson), who pounces on the trusting girl as soon as she arrives to work on the cad’s mother’s farm. Of course with another three parts of beautiful scenery, lovely dresses and longing looks into camera, there’s plenty of time for a saviour to arrive and sweep our Tess off her feet. But for now, just enjoy the ride.

Agatha Christie’s Poirot (Sunday 9pm, ITV1)

David Suchet happily continues in the role of the Belgian detective with this adaptation of the Christie novel Mrs McGinty’s Dead. Poirot is called in when Superintendent Spence begins to doubt the guilt of Mrs McGinty’s lodger, who is the prime suspect in the murder of the charwoman. Can our hero exercise those leetle grey cells to crack the case? Even after 20 years, these brilliant adaptations remain fresh and entertaining, and Suchet’s appetite for his signature role remains undiminished. With only 10 novels left to film, I hope he gets the set!

Massive (Sunday 9pm, BBC3)

Double-bill opening salvo for a new comedy set in Manchester starring Ralf Little, Carl Rice and Johnny Vegas. Shay inherits £10,000 and, along with best mate Danny, sets up his own record label. Okay, in a BBC3 kind of way, but could do better (a bit like BBC3).

There was much excitement here at TV Today towers earlier this week when we heard the news that RDF Media have put plans into motion to bring back legendary TV classics Worzel Gummidge and Rentaghost.

“Gadzooks!” I cried, nearly spilling my Starbucks soya latte, and then was even more excited to see that my Word spellchecker recognised the word ‘gadzooks’. See, there it is again…

As any self-respecting fan of quality TV should know, Worzel Gummidge (1979-81) was a vehicle for former Doctor Who Jon Pertwee, who took the title role of a walking talking scarecrow to great effect in adaptations of the books by Barbara Euphan Todd. The show played to Pertwee’s strengths as a mimic and voice artist as Worzel wore various heads with a different function, and the cast also included Geoffrey Bayldon and a young Charlotte Coleman.

Today, Radio 4 is giving over much of its programming to Big Bang Day, to celebrate the switching on of the Large Hadron Collider at CERN in Geneva - one of the biggest and most complicated experiments into the nature of the universe ever conducted. What does this have to do with TV Today, you may ask…

As part of the day’s programmes, Radio 4 has brought the popular BBC Television sci-fi drama Torchwood to its Afternoon Play slot, in an adventure called Lost Souls, starring John Barrowman as Captain Jack Harkness, with Eve Myles and Gareth David- Lloyd as Gwen Cooper and Ianto Jones.

Lost Souls is scripted by TV writer Joseph Lidster, whose credits include Torchwood and upcoming episodes of The Sarah Jane Adventures. Joseph took time out of his schedule to talk to TV Today about the challenges of bringing Torchwood to radio…

Masterchef: the Professionals (Monday 6pm, BBC2)

It’s taken this competition a while to turn the heat up, with Gregg Wallace missing the acid-tongued presence of his culinary buddy, John Torode. After a cold first week, however, last week saw Michelle Roux Jr (who has held two Michelin stars since 1991, as Gregg tells us Every. Single. Episode) has now got what Masterchef is about. He has become the master of the wide-eyed look of horror as a hopeful makes a dreadful gaffe on his hawk-like wanders around the Masterchef kitchen. Masterchef has got it’s mojo back!

The Children (Monday 9pm, ITV1)

I hope the audience sticks around for this better-than-average thriller, as when ITV manages to serve up a decent drama for a change, we should cherish it while we can (as I bemoaned last week on the subject of the enjoyable Lost in Austen). Lucy Gannon layers her plot in flashbacks as the events leading up to the death of little Emily are depicted, creating suspects galore - pretty much every character in the piece has good motive. A great cast, a great script, a great drama. More please, ITV - and how often do we get to say that?

The Dark Side of Fame with Piers Morgan (Monday 10.35pm, BBC1)

Much as I detest Piers Morgan, there’s something incredibly watchable about this series that puts a noted celebrity under the spotlight so they can talk about all the horrible things that have happened to them - and usually reported by Morgan back in his days as a tabloid editor. Tonight, Pamela Anderson is no holds barred in her honesty. Strangely fascinating.

Mutual Friends (Tuesday 9pm, BBC1)

I think the problem with Mutual Friends, however enjoyable it may be, is that it’s settled into a very samey tempo. You know exactly what’s going to happen in each episode, and that the situation isn’t going to develop much further by the final episode. That was fine for two episodes, but by the third it’s time for some layering and texture in the ongoing stories of these characters. Thank God for Marc Warren and Alexander Armstrong, who are admirable as Martin and Patrick, particularly Armstrong who can do these kind of roles in his sleep.

Call the Cops (Tuesday 10pm, BBC4)

Last in the series of this excellent exercise in nostalgia that has looked at the creation of some of the best and most influential police drama series. They’ve saved perhaps the best until last with The Sweeney, the fags, bags and slags investigations of the Flying Squad, led by Regan and Carter. The series made starts out of John Thaw and Dennis Waterman, and it’s arguable that without The Sweeney we may not have had Minder and Inspector Morse in the guises we know them. The usual collection of clips and talking head recollections are all present and correct. Get yer trousers on, yer nicked!

A For Andromeda (Tuesday 10.30pm, BBC4)

Another chance to see the edgy remake of the 1961 sci-fi thriller. Tom Hardy and the ethereally wonderful Kelly Reilly star.

Torchwood - Lost Souls (Wednesday, 2.15pm, Radio 4)

Step away from the TV for a second and tune to Radio 4, where this specially commissioned radio episode of the Doctor Who spin-off forms part of the network’s Big Bang Day to tie in with the switching on off the Large Hadron Collider at CERN. Torchwood TV writer Joseph Lidster takes Captain Jack, Gwen Cooper and Ianto Jones out of their Cardiff setting and plonks them in the middle of CERN where scientists are starting to hear ghostly voices. Freema Agyeman also stars as Martha Jones in this effectively spooky and claustrophobic thriller. Later this week, TV Today will bring you an interview with writer Joseph Lidster.

The Restaurant (Wednesday 8pm, BBC2)

The Apprentice meets Masterchef in a second run of the entertaining reality series that tasks Raymond Blanc with whittling down nine couples to one, with the prize to manage a restaurant for the feted chef.

A Number (Wednesday 9pm, BBC2)

A good adaptation of Caryl Churchill’s labyrinthine and challenging play, first performed at the Royal Court back in 2002. Rhys Ifans once more displays there’s more to his fish and chip paper shenanigans in the tabloids by taking on multiple roles as variations of the cloned son of the darkly secretive Salter (Tom Wilkinson). It’s sometimes hard to keep up with the various strands that Churchill just about manages to weave together, but it’s undeniably brilliant as Salter’s deceptions are slowly revealed when faced with the many facets of his dead son Bernard in clone form.

Lost in Austen (Wednesday 9pm, ITV1)

The enjoyably fizzy comedy drama continues as our heroine Amanda Price tries to keep the plot of Pride and Prejudice on track when she finds herself stuck in the middle of Jane Austen’s classic novel. Much of the success of Lost in Austen (and it is successful, believe me) is down to the casting of Jemima Rooper as Amanda, an actress strong enough to keep everything together, because if you stop to think too hard about the concept, it would fall to pieces very quickly. But things zip along with cheerful abandon, as Amanda tries to persuade Mr Bingley that really, she isn’t the one for him, and has he thought about the winsome Jane Bennet? Don’t think about it, just enjoy!

Secret Diary of a Call Girl (Thursday 10pm, ITV2)

For those who might have been disappointed that Billie Piper didn’t show a bit more flesh in her recent return to Doctor Who, rest easy, as tonight she returns to her other famous role - that of Belle de Jour, the titular diary scribbling call girl. Perhaps not as risqué as it thinks it is, there’s no denying Piper’s talent in making somebody who should be utterly despicable a likeable figure, and thankfully the sex takes more of a back seat to plot (sort of) in this second run. Tonight Belle deals with a client who turns out to be an MP, and also reluctantly mentors a wannabe call girl.

Grey’s Anatomy (Thursday 10pm, Living)

Sticking with digital this evening, the fourth series of Grey’s Anatomy makes its UK debut. The perceived wisdom is that this fourth season saw the hospital drama not quite jump the shark, but perhaps take a dry run at the ramp. With a couple of central actors gone (Isaiah Washington following some behind the scenes controversy and Kate Walsh to spin-off series Private Practice), there’s a certain amount of jockeying for position going on between the regulars, and things take time to settle down.

Harry and Paul (Friday 9pm, BBC1)

A return for Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse in a second run of brand new character sketch comedy, although the title Ruddy Hell! It’s Harry and Paul has been slimmed down to the rather dull Harry and Paul. Still, there’s some good stuff in here, as in the first series, although nothing is quite as memorable as the duo’s earlier work together. Characters from the last series return (the Posh Scaffolders and the I Saw You Coming antique shop owner), and among the new turns are Clarence and Henry, the OAP DJs. Worth a look, definitely, but like most sketch comedy the overall quality is up and down.

The Tudors (Friday 9pm, BBC2)

There’s lots going on this week in my favourite viewing highlight, not least of all Sir Thomas Cromwell’s campaign against the Catholics gaining more momentum as he spreads panic and rumour, which the Pope (Peter O’Toole) is not happy about. At all. Anne is still getting right up Henry’s royal nose, and he’s still plagued by dreams of the late Thomas More, which seems a little churlish considering his Royal Highness was happy enough to lop his head off in the first place.

Ugly Betty (Friday 9pm, C4)

A very welcome return for Ugly Betty to restore some sanity to Channel 4’s Friday night schedule as Big Brother prepares to take its bow for another year (and breathe…). We’re still in season two (previously curtailed thanks to the US writer’s strike), and Betty is in full campaigning mode to get Daniel to feature some “healthy” models in a special shoot for the magazine, rather than the twig-thin waifs that usually get snapped in Mode’s glossy pages. Pithy and witty as ever, it’s good to have Betty back.

Big Brother Finale (Friday 10pm, C4)

Oh whatever.

Paralympics 2008: Opening Ceremony (Saturday 12.50pm, BBC1)

Back to Beijing for more amazing feats in the name of sports as the 13th Paralympics gets underway, once again direct from the Bird’s Nest Stadium. While I’m sure we’re not expecting the same spectacular sights that launched the Olympics a few weeks ago, but let’s not underestimate just what the Chinese hosts can pull off - Sebastian Coe should probably still be very, very afraid.

The X Factor (Saturday 6.50pm, ITV1)

The X Factor juggernaut reaches Scotland this week, and already we’ve established a set pattern for proceedings. Louis will smirk like a naughty schoolboy, Cheryl will cry (aww, bless), Simon will roll his eyes a lot and Dannii’s face will move not one inch throughout the show. And it’s this from now until Christmas… give me strength. Still, it’s like Pot Noodle - we know we shouldn’t, but we just can’t help ourselves.

Eurovision Dance Contest (Saturday 8pm, BBC1)

With the new series of Strictly Come Dancing imminent, limber up your Lambadas (or something) with the Eurovision Dance Contest. Graham Norton and Claudia Winkleman are our guides through the show, which sees one-time Strictly contestant Louisa Lytton (off of The Bill) and her dance partner Vincent Simone compete on behalf of the UK. There’s likely to be some great talent on display, but it would be naïve to think that this won’t descend into politically biased voting by the time we reach the end. Time will tell.

Joanna Lumley in the Land of the Northern Lights (Sunday 9pm, BBC1)

A rather lovely travelogue that sees the ever-glamorous (even in a parka) Joanna Lumley heading off on a journey to fulfil a childhood dream - to see the Northern Lights. For somebody who grew up in Malaysia, the snow, ice and cold held much mystique for the young Lumley, especially when brought to life in the pages of a treasured child’s storybook. Stunning landscapes abound in a beautifully shot piece of work that will no doubt look fantastic if you’re watching in HD.

Charley Boorman: Ireland to Sydney By Any Means (Sunday 8pm, BBC2)

Sans his more famous buddy Ewan McGregor, Charley Boorman heads off on another round-world trip, and as the title suggests, he’s heading to Sydney from his home in Wicklow. No bikes this time - the twist on this trip is that he has to get around on any form of local transport he can utilise and avoid, where possible, commercial airlines. Enjoyable, yes, but isn’t it time Boorman went out to get a proper job?

Spooks: Code 9 (Sunday 9pm, BBC3)

It’s the final episode of the not-really-spin-off from Spooks concerning a group of young MI5 operatives in a Britain following a nuclear attack. I’ll put my cards on the table - I thought this got off to an atrocious start - I’d honestly rather have watched an episode of Scooby Doo… or Bonekickers. But as the weeks have gone on, things started to come together to the point where last week’s episode was almost very good indeed. And this closer is a rather tense affair as the team return to the ruins of London to root out the traitor ahead of a another suspected attack on Memorial Day. I hope there’s a second series to build on the confidence of the later episodes.

I’m a little disappointed to see that last night’s opening episode of the ITV1/Mammoth Screen comedy drama, Lost in Austen, attracted a paltry audience of 3.8 million and a 17% share. By anybody’s standards, that’s pretty dismal for a well-publicised, prime time first run drama.

What, I ask, is the matter with all of you? Lost in Austen was a cracking, frothy piece of drama, with romance, frilly bonnets and tight breeches in abundance, bringing a modern twist to the costume drama genre with some nice comedic touches and some fizzy, fun dialogue. And in Jemima Rooper as bored bank clerk Amanda Price, who finds a doorway in her bathroom to the world of Pride and Prejudice, we have a winning, likeable heroine.

So where was the audience?

There are days in the world of a dedicated TV blogger where the muse just does not come - and when the biggest story of the day is that the BBC has spent £10m on flights in the last 12 months (do we care? No, we do not), then I don’t blame the muse for staying in bed and having a metaphorical duvet day.

So where do we go when inspiration has (hopefully) temporarily left us? It may be shelter for a desperate man, but sometimes a good old-fashioned Top Five can be a Godsend, and today I’m going for a subject dear to my heart - TV title sequences.

I love title sequences, and a recent trawl through Youtube unearthed a piece from Charlie Brooker’s Screen Wipe with actor Matt Berry (The IT Crowd/The MIghty Boosh), in which he bemoans the lack of decent, stylish, tone-setting title sequences:

Some tantalising titbits of the drama season ahead across the BBC’s output have cropped up in a supremely confident autumn season trailer that was unveiled yesterday. Curiously, a couple of shows in the line-up are already up and running or have already been transmitted, such as Mutual Friends and My Zinc Bed, but I guess if you’ve got the material, the more the merrier.

We discussed Merlin last week on the release of the cinema trailer, and it’s good to see this promising new adventure front and centre throughout the trailer, which shows that the corporation has a great deal of confidence in this possible new big hitter. The microsite for the series has launched here.

The Children (Monday 9pm, ITV1)

A labyrinthine set of tortured relationships form the backdrop for this engaging murder tale with a great cast. Kevin Whately is Cameron, who leaves his wife Anne (Lesley Sharp) to shack up with Sue (Geraldine Somerville), with her daughter Emily as part of the package. In the midst of this are Cameron and Anne’s teenage son Jack, and Sue’s young daughter Emily - Emily it seems who has been victim of a suspected murder as the story flashbacks from this opening shocker to the events that led up to her death. It’s tense, well acted (with that cast, what do you expect?) and a cut above the usual ITV drama fare in this genre. The story continues next week.

Ross Kemp on Gangs (Monday 9pm, Sky One)

Return of the Bafta award-winning series starring former EastEnders hardman Ross Kemp. Funny, however far Kemp moves away from the BBC soap, he will forever be known as “former EastEnders hardman”. Oh well. The series itself is bizarrely watchable, and in this opening salvo, Kemp heads to Los Angeles to examine the dark underbelly of gang culture. Erm… nice.

The Last Word Monologues (Monday 11.20pm, BBC2)

A very quick repeat of Hugo Blick’s trio of dramatic monologues with the running theme of characters who are, as the title suggests, seeking the last word… Least effective is Before I Call You In starring Shiela Hancock, but is certainly watchable, while Rhys Ifans plays the son desperate to be free of a battleaxe of a mother in Six Days One June, and Bob Hoskins rounds of the trio as an assassin awaiting a victim in A Bit of Private Business. Good stuff.

Mutual Friends (Monday 9pm, BBC1)

Episode two sees the promise of last week’s opener pay off as Mutual Friends gets into a chipper stride. Martin (Marc Warren) has been kicked out of the family home in the light of Jen’s (Keeley Hawes) unfaithful revelations, which sees him relying on Patrick (a brilliant Alexander Armstrong) to reintroduce him to the world of the single man. Oh dear. Enjoyable for what it is.

Celeb Air (Tuesday 9pm, ITV2)

Erm… Has reality TV finally jumped the shark? In this new series, a selection of celebrities with a vague claim to that title, become flight attendants for an airline. I don’t know if this is sublime genius or just plain rubbish…

Call the Cops (Tuesday 10pm, BBC4)

This enjoyable trawl through the history of police dramas continues, and reaches one of my all time favourite TV series. For two series (and one largely thrown away third run), Between the Lines depicted a little seen branch of police work, that of CIB, the Complaints Investigation Bureau - basically, internal affairs. Neil Pearson, making his first jump to drama following comedy success in Drop the Dead Donkey, is brilliantly swaggering as Detective Superintendent Tony Clark, smirking his way through investigations of wrongdoing in the Met. He was ably assisted by Harry Naylor (Tom Georgeson) and Mo Connell (Siobhan Redmond), and here the cast reminisce about the days when they were the ones watching the watchmen. An episode from the first series precedes this at 9pm, also on BBC4.

God on Trial (Wednesday 9pm, BBC2)

A powerful drama from the pen of Frank Cotrell Boyce starring Antony Sher, Stellan Skarsgard and Stephen Dillane. Incarcerated in the living hell that was Auschwitz, a group of Jews put God on trial for abandoning them and breaking His covenant with their people. With time against them (some will be sent to the gas chamber within a day), prisoners step forward and put forward their views with passion and intelligence, argument and counter argument coming with rapid intensity. It’s controversial, thought provoking and engrossing, and will leave you with more questions than answers.

Lost in Austen (Wednesday 9pm, ITV1)

The vastly underrated Jemima Rooper is on winning form in this quirky new comedy drama that mixes Life on Mars with costume drama sensibility in a fizzy cocktail. Amanda (Rooper) is a bit of a dippy lover of Jane Austen, being particularly obsessed with Pride and Prejudice, so imagine her surprise when she finds Elizabeth Bennet in her bathroom (what, that hasn’t happened to everybody?). Turns out Amanda’s bathroom is a portal to Pride and Prejudice, and soon our heroine is trapped in Austen’s most famous work, where she tries to keep the plot as she knows it on course. Joining Rooper is a good cast that includes Hugh Bonneville and Alex Kingston as Mr and Mrs Bennet. The *Life on Mars *parallel is obvious, but this delightfully silly series owes more of a debt to Jasper Fforde’s zippy and fun Thursday Next novels.

Masterchef: the Professionals (Thursday 6.30pm, BBC2)

It’s nearly the end of another week, so time to check in on the progress of Masterchef: the Professionals. It looks like Masterchef, but for some reason, it doesn’t quite feel like Masterchef, and perhaps it’s down to the absence of John Torode and his trademark waspishness. Certainly Gregg looks a little lost next to Michelle Roux Jr, who hasn’t quite mastered the art of that essential metaphor. While Gregg waxes lyrical about giving chocolate mousses a big snog, Roux just says quietly “It’s a good chocolate mousse.” Still, there’s much entertainment value in seeing the arrogant swagger of a hopeful chef being destroyed in a single disappointed look from the Michelin starred chef, and remember: cooking doesn’t get much better than this. Apparently.

Chateau Monty (Thursday 8pm, C4)

Why would anybody think that an audience would be interested in somebody giving up their life to go and grow organic wine in France? Obviously, somebody is, or we wouldn’t be foisted with fare like Jimmy’s Farm and its ilk. Here, wine expert Monty Waldin is the chap risking everything for his dream - a biodynamically produced wine using the influence of the moon. Yes, you read that correctly. It’s hard not to believe that the many pitfalls that Waldin encounters across this six part series aren’t a teeny bit contrived, otherwise there wouldn’t be much of a series. And when Waldin moans about the debt he’s going to get into if it all fails, you can’t help but wearily roll your eyes.