Recently in Square Eyes Category

Coronation Street (Friday 7.30/8.30pm, ITV1)

A storyline that’s been bubbling away in the background for the last couple of months (and could still explode all over the cobbles somewhere down the line), takes a twist tonight as Maria gives birth to her baby, fathered by Liam Connor before his death. But perversely, present at the birth is his murderer, Tony Gordon - is there something else brewing between Tony and new mother Maria? With this being a soap, it’s highly likely.

Celebrity Masterchef (Friday 8.30pm, BBC1)

It’s all getting very tense in the Masterchef kitchen, and Gregg and John are STARTING TO SHOUT LOUDER! I’m rooting for Wendi Peters off of Corrie to go the distance, but it’s anybody’s race at the moment.

Hotel Babylon (Friday 9pm, BBC1/BBCHD)

Hotel Babylon is sometimes from that “any port in a storm” mentality of TV viewing, and with a repeat of Doc Martin on the other side, this is my port of choice tonight (not that there’s much wrong with Doc Martin, I hasten to add!). And in tonight’s glass of fizz from HB, receptionist Anna finally gives birth to her baby - and we find out who the father is - but I’m not saying who. Also, Honor Blackman guest-stars as a dotty old actress.

Total Wipeout (Saturday 7.25pm, BBC1)

The bizarrely addictive physical game show returns as contestants run around an assault course that’s more It’s a Knockout than The Krypton Factor. Richard Hammond provides his usual disparaging asides from the comfort of a London studio.

Casualty (Saturday 8.35pm, BBC1)

We’re now in the depths of summer - you can tell, because Casualty remains one of the few things worth watching -which shows you how bad things are. Nick Jordan, battling with his own mortality, is starting to spout homespun twaddle about how precious life is, so it can’t be long before he’ll be leaving Holby A&E once again. This time, however, there’s little chance that one of the original Holby City characters will be making another return to the wards. Maybe we can get Anton Meyer back next time…

On Thin Ice (Sunday 9pm, BBC2)

Poor the Jonny Lee Miller - after joining up with James Cracknell and Ben Fogle for their adventure to the South Pole, he had to pull out due to work commitments. I hope this wasn’t down to his US drama, Eli Stone, which was stoned in the schedules and is now no longer with us. The upshot of Miller pulling out is seen in this episode as our intrepid heroes search for a new teammate to join them in their travels. And then Ben goes down with a dreadful illness brought about by a flesh-eating bug. Nice.

Kingdom (Sunday 9pm, ITV1)

A change of scene this week for the gentle legal drama about everyday Norfolk folk. Lyle (the underrated ex-soapie Karl Davies) is summoned home to murky Stockport by his mother (Green Wing’s Pippa Haywood) to lend his legal weight to saving a local allotment. And compared to the picturesque backdrop of Kindgom’s usual stomping ground, it ain’t half grim up north (I’m from Yorkshire, so I’m allowed to say that). Elsewhere, Peter takes on a case that revolves around a father being banned from recording his daughter’s cello recital. Expect lots of impassioned speeches about civil liberties and the usual happy ending.

The Day of the Triffids (Sunday 7pm, BBC4)

Ahead of the BBC’s retooling of John Wyndham’s classic novel, take another look at the highly regarded take from the early 1980s, starring John Duttine. It remains as chilling and thrilling as ever, and the incessant tap-tap-tap of the triffids still scares the living daylights out of me.

The Supersizers Eat… The Fifties BBC2, Monday 9pm
Giles Coren and Sue Perkins’ travels through the culinary and cultural tastes of yesteryear reach a time in which Britain was just emerging from post-war austerity. As new ingredients such as olive oil and tinned salmon emerge, a nation still affected by rationing was also dining on horsemeat. But it’s rarely about the food, more the banter between Coren and Perkins that makes this programme such a delight.

Ugly Betty E4, Tuesday 9pm, repeated Channel 4, Wednesday 10pm
One thing that’s noticeable about this new series of Ugly Betty is how the programme’s relocation to a New York production base has helped the show feel more rooted in Manhattan than in previous seasons, even if that takes a little of the shine off the cartoon quality that makes it look so distinct from any other programme. Anyway, the visual highlight this week is a glorious dream sequence as we see Betty turned into a Wilhemina clone. Scary and funny at the same time — and a good reminder of the skills of America Ferrara.

A Beautiful Tragedy Sky Arts 2, Tueday 9.45pm
The rigours of performing arts training — far more arduous and emotional than anybody would guess if Britannia High were your only source of reference — are highlighted here with this documentary about Russia’s child ballet stars.

The Bill: Conviction ITV1, Wednesday & Thursday 8pm
Running over three weeks, The Bill comes up with another mammoth six-episode storyline. Two seemingly unrelated crimes — a burglary that looks suspiciously staged and a fight outside a trendy wine bar — turn out to be connected to each other. As the team investigates further, the bar goes up in flames…

James May at the Edge of Space BBC2, Wednesday 10pm
Shown on BBC4 last week, Top Gear’s Captain Slow tries to get as close to space as possible, as he trains to fly in a U2 spy plane at an altitude of 70,000 feet. An engaging watch from start to finish, the shots from the plane are just breathtaking.

Can I Get High Legally? BBC3, Thursday 9pm
I sometimes think BBC3 doesn’t get enough credit for its occasional documentaries — but, when its ‘factual’ output ends up dominated by Snog, Marry, Avoid, maybe it only has itself to blame. Anyway, this week BBC 6Music’s most hated DJ and Big Brother’s Little Brother presenter George Lamb investigates the herbal and over-the-counter pharmaceuticals that claim legal highs equivalent to those offered by illegal drugs. As Lamb discovers, a substance being legal doesn’t make it safe — an important message that’s told well here.

Glastonbury (from Friday, 7pm, various BBC channels)

The BBC’s usually excellent coverage of Glastonbury kicks off this evening, and no doubt Neil Young’s turn on stage this evening will be a crowd-puller at 11pm on BBC2. Coverage continues throughout the weekend.

Hotel Babylon (Friday 9pm, BBC1)

Oh Hotel Babylon, you try so hard, but never quite come up to five-star standard. In tonight’s sickly serving, new boss Sam (a shockingly terrible Nigel Harman, but that’s no surprise) gets to grips with his new hotel purchase. And as ever, things are never quiet at HB - there’s a celebrity couple’s tantrum-tastic birthday celebrations and a visit from a health inspector to deal with in tonight’s episode. The problem with this series now is that the cast look to be having much more fun than I am, and that’s always a bad thing in my book.

Law and Order: Criminal Intent (Friday 10pm. Five)

Liza Minnelli guest-stars in this US drama mainstay. And surely, that’s all the information you need…

Robin Hood (Saturday 6.45pm, BBC1)

Hold on to your bow and arrows, this one could get messy. Robin, Guy and the gang (sans the deceased Alan) are holed up in Nottingham Castle. Outside, a back-from-the-dead Sheriff of Nottingham is waiting with a tooled up army, ready to storm the castle. We know Robin is off - who else won’t make it to the end of this episode is anyone’s guess. This is likely to be an action-packed, emotional end to what has proved to be an excellent third series - but will there be a season four?

Top Gear (Sunday 8pm, BBC2)

Stephen Fry, ahead of his turn in Kingdom at 9pm, is this week’s star in a reasonably priced car. His Twitter feed earlier this week indicates it might one of the most entertaining yet.

On Thin Ice (Sunday 9pm, BBC2)

First of a five-part documentary that charts the exploits of Ben Fogle and James Cracknell as they embark on a gruelling race to the South Pole. This first episode focuses on the training regime the pair must endure before setting out, and their search for a third member of the team - and actor Jonny Lee Miller steps up to the sled. Will he stay the course? It’s great stuff, a bit like Long Way Round, but without Charlie Boorman. So another good reason to watch then.

Kingdom (Sunday 9pm, ITV1)

Assuming he survives his session in a reasonably priced car over on BBC2, Stephen Fry as avuncular Norfolk solicitor Peter Kingdom looks into a blackmail case that has a curmudgeonly local judge at its centre (played with relish by Jack Dee). Kingdom is nothing groundbreaking in drama terms, but it’s made with a solid heart and is a good way to sooth away that Sunday back-to-school feeling for an hour.

Wimbledon (from Monday, BBC2/BBC1/BBCHD)

It’s summat about tennis, but it can all get jolly exciting.

The Supersizers Eat… Medieval (Monday 9pm, BBC2)

Giles and Sue go ever further off the beaten track in their culinary Tardis, this week going all the way back to 1066 and environs, hopefully with many a hey nonnny nonny. Aside from the food aspect, The Supersizers is becoming very much a popular history documentary series, and I enjoy the cultural context as much as watching Giles and Sue gnawing on a pig’s trotter. And let’s face it, Sue Perkins dressed up as a medieval damsel in worth the ticket price alone.

The Wire (Monday 11.20pm, BBC2)

Season three begins its terrestrial run. A few thousand Guardian readers cheer.

Personal Affairs (Tuesday 9pm, BBC3/BBC HD)

Oddly we missed this new BBC3 comedy drama off the Square Eyes list last week, but we’re getting with the programme for episode 2. It’s all a bit odd, with a sometimes outrageous line in comedy in-between this glamourous group of PAs attempting to solve the disappearance of one of their number. The cast are pretty (and on the whole very good), but there’s a sense that this wants to be Green Wing when it grows up, but just isn’t in the same league. Worth a look, though.

Flight of the Conchords (Tuesday 10.30pm, BBC4)

The boys find themselves filling in at the last minute for Simon and Garfunkel tribute band Troubled Waters. Inspired, beautiful comedy.

Celebrity Masterchef (Wednesday 8pm, BBC1)

Another Wednesday, another three days of Masterchef goodness ahead. This week it’s second chances for previous contestants who fell before the last hurdle. Paying a return visit this week are the likes of Wendi Peters, Linda Barker and comic Jeff Green.

Famous, Rich and Homeless (Wednesday 9pm, BBC1)

This reminds me off a documentary strand that the legendary Nationwide put out years ago under the title Down and Out (if memory serves). Here, five celebrities live for ten days on the streets of London, to all intents and purposes, penniless and homeless. It’s quite powerful in places seeing the likes of Hardeep Singh Kohli begging on the streets, and the to camera reactions from the participants show how humbled they are by the experience. It’s still filtered through the sheen of television, and everyone can go back to their lives of plenty at the end of ten days, but it’s still an emotive piece of viewing at times.

Psychoville (Thursday 10pm, BBC2/BBC HD)

It might have links to The League of Gentlemen, but Reece Shearsmith and Steve Pemberton, two of that august number, have managed to craft something in Psychoville that feels distinctive in its own right, despite some of the trappings of the former. While the original League had a rotten core at the centre of the dark comedy, there’s a surprisingly tragic heart here, exemplified by Joy, Dawn French’s doll obsessed midwife. It’s hard not to feel sorry for this woman, but at the same time. She’s absolutely terrifying, charged with the potential energy to go off and do something abhorrent. Chilling, brilliant and funny.

Coronation Street (Friday 7.30/8.30pm, ITV1)

Molly and Kevin? Really? Please say this isn’t happening, and they’re only working up a sweat after their training run.

EastEnders (Friday 8pm, BBC1)

Tonight sees the first glimmerings of what could prove to be one of EastEnders’ most powerful storylines - and most controversial. Ever since his arrival, Syed Masood has been set up as a bit of a womaniser, with the pretty girlfriend and comedy overbearing mother. But all this time Syed has been dealing with bigger issues - a growing attraction to Christian Clarke which goes against all his beliefs as a committed Muslim. We don’t quite know where this storyline is going to go, but expect lots of press coverage, outrage and support in equal measure for a soap that still has the ability to tackle the big issues.

Hotel Babylon (Friday 9pm, BBC1)

Oh saints be praised, Hotel Babylon returns for a new run to brighten up Friday evenings. Hotel Babylon has never been big, and it has definitely never been clever, but it’s always bags of fun. And for the new series, Nigel Harman joins the cast as Sam Franklin, the suave new owner of HB, clearly cast in an attempt to sex up the show in the void left by Max Beesley. And he’s a good choice - not the greatest actor in the world (remember this?), but who is in this sticky confection of a show that Gregg Wallace would probably want to give a big snog if it was a plate of food.

Robin Hood (Saturday 6.45pm, BBC1)

This is it - the two-part finale of Robin Hood that will set up the end of Jonas Armstrong’s Robin, and perhaps pave the way for season four (should it be commissioned). Tonight’s opening salvo is a cracking mix of big action and character confrontation, as the gang attempt to hold Nottingham Castle against a huge army until King Richard returns. In the midst of this, Archer - Robin and Guy’s half brother - tries to cut a deal with Isabella, but as she’s a few arrows short of a quiver these days, who knows what she’ll do.

The Royal (Sunday 7pm, ITV1)

With the future of this Heartbeat spin-off in doubt, fans should probably enjoy this batch of three episodes while they’re here. There may be more in the ITV stockpile, but after that, who knows?

Top Gear (Sunday 9pm, BBC2)

Top Gear is a curious show, managing to span gender and age boundaries to provide a show that is always thoroughly entertaining. Still with a questionable ethic on the environment in places (come on Jeremy, wake up to what’s going on in the world), the same mix of challenges, review and celebrity guests remains a reliable ratings puller. But it’s undeniably the banter between the three regulars that Top Gear rests on, and long may it continue.

James May on the Moon (Sunday 9pm, BBC2)

A fantastic documentary (and another dose of James May) to commemorate the 40th anniversary of the first lunar landing. May can sometimes be a boorish companion, a natural side effect of being a Top Gear presenter, and that same sense pervades here at times. But it’s also an informative look into the process a man goes through in training to be an astronaut, and May gets to meet three genuine space heroes. And there’s a trip 70, 000ft up in a U-2 spy rocket - now that’s breathtaking. A more detailed documentary on May’s training regime follows on BBC4 in James May at the Edge of Space.

For a more detailed look at the moon landings, check out this fantastic collection of programmes from the BBC Archive, launched this morning. Brilliant stuff!

The Supersizers Eat… the Eighties (Monday 9pm, BBC2)

Giles Coren and Sue Perkins return for a new series of gastronomic adventures through the ages. This week it’s the recent history of the 1980s, that might seem like yesterday, but it was a decade singularly lacking in style and taste, as you can see from some of the food on offer. Pot Noodles and ready meals don’t impress the duo, but then, neither do the posh power lunches. A thoroughly likable show, the Supersizers are very welcome in the TV schedules.

Occupation (Tuesday 9pm, BBC1)

A powerful and gripping three-part drama from the pen of Peter Bowker (Blackpool). There are no comedy songs and dance routines here - this is a sometimes brutal examination of the lives of three soldiers serving in Iraq during the invasion, focusing on their experiences during and after their tour of duty. James Nesbitt, once again proving there’s more to this complex actor than the Irish scamp of Cold Feet, is stunning as Sergeant Mike Swift. But that shouldn’t take anything away from Stephen Graham and Warren Brown as Corporal Danny Petersen and Lance Corporal Lee Hibbs. They turn in equally compelling performances to match the bigger star. Occupation is highly recommended viewing, but gird your loins, it’s not an easy watch. Parts two and three can be seen on Wednesday and Thursday.

Flight of the Conchords (Tuesday 10.30pm, BBC4)

After the draining experience of Occupation, go and make yourself a cup of tea and then settle down for a soothing half hour in the company of Jermaine and Bret in their pursuit of musical supremacy. Only in Flight of the Conchords could there be a benefit concert for canine epilepsy. Sublime.

Celebrity Masterchef (Wednesday 8pm, BBC1)

Another week, another heat of Celebrity Masterchef. And breathe.

Martina Cole’s The Take (Wednesday 9pm, Sky One)

Tom Hardy heads the cast in this slick adaptation of best selling novelist Cole’s saga of East End villains in the mid 1980s. Hardy is terrifying as Freddie, making his reappearance into the London crime scene after a spell inside. He has the backing of crime boss Ozzy (Brian Cox, effortless as ever), and this adds to his swagger and the overall sense of menace that pervades the entire tone of the production. It all feels a bit earnest and eager to shock, but there’s no denying it’s an accomplished slice of crime drama with a great cast.

Psychoville (Thursday 10pm, BBC2)

As you might expect from two members of The League of Gentlemen, Psychoville is a grotesque confection of outrageous characters and dark, dark comedy. Steve Pemberton and Reece Shearsmith write and star in this seven-part comedy that loosely links characters together with the MacGuffin of a letter being sent to apparently unconnected characters, scrawled with the words “I know what you did.” Whatever the characters did, it’s unlikely we’ll find out anytime soon, so just settle back and enjoy a wide range of characters, from the jaded Mr Jelly, a fallen children’s entertainer, a former porn-star dwarf, and Dawn French guest-starring as a midwife with an unhealthy attachment to her demonstration doll. Comparisons to The League of Gentlemen are unavoidable, but Psychoville has enough that is distinctive to make it worth a look.

Celebrity Masterchef (Friday 8.30pm, BBC1)

First quarter final of this series. Jayne Middlemiss for the win!

Outnumbered (Friday 9.30pm, BBC1)

A complaint often levelled at television is that there are far too many repeats slotted into the schedules, which can be a highly valid gripe. But when the repeat in question is another go for Outnumbered series two (which gained decent ratings on its previous Saturday showing), we’ll let it go. Andy Hamilton and Guy Jenkin’s heavily improvised comedy is a constant delight as Hugh Dennis and Claire Skinner play the average couple with three kids - and it’s the kids that steal the show every time. In this first episode, Pete and Sue shepherd their brood to a family wedding - with predictably chaotic results. Highly recommended.

Robin Hood (Saturday 6.45pm, BBC1/BBC HD)

Robin and Gisborne, teaming up to go off and find their shared half-brother at the bidding of Robin’s dad? Is nothing sacred? There’s a sense of stalls being set out for the series finale coming up in a couple of weeks. With it common knowledge that Jonas Armstrong is leaving Sherwood behind, could the half-brother in question, known as Archer, be set up as a replacement? It’s all very exciting, and this episode co-stars the divine Tracy-Ann Oberman as the sultry wife of the Sheriff of York.

ER (Saturday 8pm, C4)

You’ve probably already gone through the emotional highs and lows of the final series of ER, but there’s no reason why you can’t do it again as it kicks into the terrestrial showing for the greatest TV show on earth’s swansong. This second episode sees the team coming to terms with Greg’s death, but things are torn apart by the arrival of new chief, Dr Banfield (Angela Bassett on blistering form).

Casualty 1909 (Sunday 9pm, BBC1/BBC HD)

The excellent Casualty 1909 returns (although last time it was 1908), with Cheri Lunghi and David Troughton heading a solid cast. It’s beautifully realised stuff in its attention to period detail, with cases brought to life from original documents. In this opener of a slightly longer run, an explosion in the East End brings victims through the doors of the London Hospital and the staff struggle to cope - especially as fears of terrorist action fray the patients’ tempers.

Kingdom (Sunday 9pm, ITV1)

A typically bonkers episode of the enjoyable drama starring Stephen Fry as Norfolk solicitor Peter Kingdom. There’s a spacey theme this week as crop circles bring sci-fans flocking to the area. Colin Baker, the Sixth Doctor Who, appropriately guest-stars.

Ashes to Ashes (Monday 9pm, BBC1)

The second season finale of a much-improved series sees Gene and Alex’s relationship tested to the full. Gene no longer knows who to trust after corruption sweeps through the force, leaving him tackling an expected heist without his usual back up. Alex meanwhile, seems to be battling an infection all the way from 2008, which is causing her to behave erratically in the 1980s. The big question is: will she get back to reality, or are we heading for a third series?

Holby City (Tuesday 8pm, BBC1)

It’s Joseph and Faye’s wedding, and typically for Holby, it’s not going to be a smooth affair. Bride and groom both have their fair share of hang-ups and emotional baggage, but they seem intent on going ahead with things. But there’s a drunk best man, exes galore (a text from Jac you say?) and various parents to cause problems. And Jane Asher is in this episode, so that makes it doubly worth watching!

Mary, Queen of Charity Shops (Tuesday 9pm, BBC2)

I love Mary Portas. She’s utterly terrifying, naturally, but that’s the only way to get things changed in businesses that are too set in their ways. And charity shops are a challenge in themselves, especially at Save the Children in Orpington. This week, Mary surges ahead with plans for a major refurbishment of the shop, which is met with resistance from the faithful staff. Brilliant stuff!

Celebrity Masterchef (Wednesday 8pm, BBC1)

Everything’s fine, it’s all going to be okay. It’s the annual celebrity version of one of the greatest shows on television as Gregg Wallace and John Torode return to cogitate and consider. Over the next month, a parade of various lower-order celebrities will march their culinary creations through the Masterchef kitchen, do lunch services in professional kitchens and generally try to impress the foodie socks off John and Gregg. Remember, cooking Doesn’t. Get. Tougher. Than. This!

Krod Mandoon and the Flaming Sword of Fire (Thursday 9pm, BBC2)

I wondered last week if an hour running time is just a bit too long to sustain what is essentially a traditional sit-com, but there seems to be enough going on in this fantasy spoof to raise enough titters. It helps when you have Matt Lucas, unfettered by David Walliams, giving it his all as the evil Dongalar, the mortal enemy of Sean Maguire’s clean cut warrior Krod Mandoon. There are plenty of soft targets in the fantasy genre to have a dig at, but it’s the modern dialogue contrasting with the sword and sorcery elements that give this a nice edge. Might take an episode to bed in, but probably worth sticking with.

May Contain Nuts (Thursday 9pm, ITV1)

John O’Farrell’s novel, on which this is based, is a funny, endearing comedy about social pressures in the suburban middle classes. The television version is a highly irritating comedy drama about people that it’s hard to like. Middle class mother Alice (Shirley Henderson) goes to the ludicrous lengths of dressing up as her 11 year-old daughter to sit an entrance exam for a school to make sure she gets into it. It doesn’t help that Shirley Henderson has a habit of playing irritating characters in the first place, but really, this is one that should have been left as a novel where it was much more palatable.

Have I Got News For You (Friday 9.30pm, BBC1)

Definitely one to watch tonight as the guest host is the delectable and wonderfully funny Ruth Jones, who is about to start filming for the third and final series of Gavin and Stacey.

Keep on Running: 50 Years of Island Records (Friday 9pm, BBC4)

Cracking documentary that features an interview with the founder of Island Records, Chris Blackwell, who founded the company in 1959. Island has had at various points artists such as U2, Bob Marley, Roxy Music and Sugababes on its books, and Blackwell seemed to have a Midas touch for picking varied and interesting acts. Fascinating stuff.

Robin Hood (Saturday 6.45pm, BBC1/BBC HD)

The episode where everything changes and Robin and Guy learn some painful truths about their family histories. The pair are drugged and forced to a listen to a story related round a campfire by a hooded stranger. It’s good stuff and sends what has been a brilliant series in a new direction and hurtling towards the climax in a few weeks.

Primeval (Saturday 7.30pm, ITV1)

The excellent and thrilling Primeval brings its third series to a close with an episode that takes in different time zones and the usual mix of monsters and mayhem. The deliciously evil Helen Cutter is trying to change the course of history (or is she changing it back to how it should be?), which leads Danny and the team into a battle against the thug of the dinosaur world - the raptor. Here’s to season four - go on ITV, you know it makes sense!

Totally Saturday (Saturday 7.30pm, BBC1)

New variety show for a Saturday night, hosted by Graham Norton. Will it strike the same note as Saturday Night Takeaway?

Michael McIntyre’s Comedy Roadshow (Saturday 9.30pm, BBC1/BBC HD)

Bewilderingly popular stand up McIntyre brings his tediously smug brand of comedy to various regions. Sorry, I know he’s popular, but I just don’t get it… This should do well in the ratings though, so I’m willing to give it a chance as he’s clearly doing something that people like.

Hope Springs (Sunday 8pm, BBC1/BBC HD)

Alex Kingston heads up the cast in this light drama about a group of female ex-cons who perform one last job that goes horribly wrong. And when that happens, what do youdo ? That’s right, you head to a small village in the Scottish Highlands and hide from the law. Erm… sounds great. Actually, this should be rather enjoyable in a jolly, Monarch of the Glen type way, so it seems churlish to complain.

The Apprentice (Sunday 9pm, BBC1)

Flipping to Sunday to avoid clashing with England’s World Cup qualifier on Wednesday, this is the one we’ve been waiting for. The grand final sees Kate and Yasmina picking a team of previously fired candidates to help launch a new brand of chocolates. Expect a joyous and brilliant end to what has been a superb series all round. In the end, there can be only one. Kate for the win!

Kingdom (Sunday 9pm, ITV1)

Stephen Fry returns as lovable Norfolk solicitor Peter Kingdom for more gentle comedy drama. Everybody is here - his assistant Lyle, receptionist Gloria and bonkers sister Beatrice. The scenery is lovely, and it’s hard not to be utterly won over by Fry’s engaging performance in the title role. Nice.

EastEnders (Monday 8pm, BBC1)

Nick Cotton’s latest plan to off his mother (this one’s been running longer than Penelope Pitstop and the Hooded Claw) by crushing pills in her food hits something of a snag in tonight’s visit to Albert Square when little Dotty has second thoughts about a bit of Grannycide. Molly Conlin as the not so demonic Dotty is absolutely brilliant and her turn has made this storyline highly memorable. But something big is in the horizon - will Nick manage to carry his plot off?

Ashes to Ashes (Monday 9pm, BBC1)

With next week’s finale looming, this episode is nicely brooding, with Alex utterly convinced that she’s about to get herself a first class ticket straight back to 2008. There’s lots of stuff going on, including a new appearance from the always excellent Adrian Dunbar, who knows more about Alex’s predicament than she does. And then there’s Gene, who makes some shocking discoveries that will test his character to the core.

Holby City (Tuesday 8pm, BBC1)

A highly emotional episode of Holby following last week’s excellent and dramatic piece that saw Maddy tragically murdered. And the funeral is a difficult time for the staff as Maria tries to come up with a speech for the young doctor’s memorial service. Holby can still pull out the stops when it needs to, and this is no exception.

Mary, Queen of Charity Shops (Tuesday 9pm, BBC2)

This could almost be a Victoria Wood penned sit-com, with Julie Walters as a glamorous fashonista who turns up to whip a high street charity shop into shape, with Anne Reid, Duncan Preston and Thelma Barlow playing the shop’s staff. Glorious then that this is the very real and goddess like Mary Portas who has pitched up at Save the Children in Orpington to get things running smoothly again. Hugely enjoyable.

The Apprentice (Wednesday 9pm, BBC1)

The best show on the box reaches the penultimate round, and one of my personal favourites. There’s no opportunity to land your fellow candidates in the brown stuff here as it’s every man and woman for themselves when they literally attend a job interview. The interviews are conducted by four of Sir Alan’s most trusted acolytes, and boy do they go for the jugular, ripping the veracity of some flimsy CVs to pieces. And bless James for giving us one of the best lines from the entire run of the series. Joyous!

Life (Wednesday 10pm, ITV3)

Sadly cancelled in the States, Life returns exclusively to ITV3 for a second and final run. Damian Lewis once again plays quirky cop Charlie Crews who served 12 years in prison for murder before his conviction was overturned. It’s an engaging show, thanks to Lewis’s performance as Crews, who remains as Zen and fruit obsessed as ever. 21 episodes - enjoy them while you can.

Big Brother 10 (Thursday 9pm, C4)

For better or worse, Big Brother returns for what is an expected penultimate series of incarceration and hi-jinx with a group of mis-matched housemates who will make us laugh, cry and throw shoes at the screen (what, you’ve never done that?). I honestly fell out with Big Brother the year we began TV Today - it had become desperate and stale, seeking and failing to find new ways of torturing the housemates for our vicarious pleasure. But it is the show that still defines Channel 4 in the here and now, and that’s got to be worth a couple of pages in somebody’s book.

Have I Got News for You (Friday 9pm, BBC1)

David Mitchell is on hosting duties this evening for a show that remains as fresh and biting as ever.

Big Brother’s Big Quiz (Friday 10pm, E4)

Oh whatever - does anybody actually care any more?

Dexter (Friday 10pm, FX)

It’s not quite up to the standards of the highly feted seasons one and two, but this series of Dexter is still one of the most enjoyable, watchable and fascinating drama series on TV. Hopefully by the time this season wraps up, it will be firing on all cylinders again.

Friday Night With Jonathan Ross (Friday 10.35pm, BBC1)

One of the upsides of the post Sachsgate furore is the effect it has had on Jonathan Ross’s interviewing style on Friday Night With… He’s a bit calmer, less inclined to tit around and rely on tedious innuendo, and he actually chats to his guests a bit more. Tonight’s is definitely worth a look as Joanna Lumley, national treasure extraordinaire, pops in for a chat, along with music from The Killers.

Britain’s Got Talent - the Final (Saturday 6.45pm, ITV1)

The ratings-busting Britain’s Got Talent dominates this evening’s schedules as the hopefuls all line up for the grand final that is likely to see shocks and tears alike. If I’m honest, this show is not my cup of tea but it’s hard to deny how much BGT is a defining phenomenon of modern broadcasting in the UK. And then just think, in just a few short months Simon will be back with The X Factor 2009 - I don’t whether to cheer or cry.

Robin Hood (Saturday 7.25pm, BBC1/BBC HD)

Gisborne’s in the dungeon awaiting his fate, Kate is making doe eyes at Robin, and Isabella’s husband arrives. Just another day in Nottingham then.

Mumbai Calling (Saturday 10pm, ITV1)

This new comedy starring Sanjeev Bhaskar as the manager of a call centre in India might benefit from the lead in from BGT - or more than likely vanish without trace in post talent show fatigue. Any new comedy needs to be supported, but this sounds like it was dreamt up in a comedy workshop for media students. Ah well, it might defy expectation, and Bhaskar is always entertaining.

Benidorm (Sunday 9pm, ITV1)

While we wait to see if Mumbai Calling sets the world on fire, ITV’s comedy big gun, Benidorm, is back for a one off special ahead of the third series. The show is an acquired taste, but thankfully it has more texture and depth than the middle class flummery of Reggie Perrin over on the BBC. The cast play it with gusto, even if some of the material, centring on a bunch of mis-matched holidaymakers, doesn’t quite hit the mark. Not dreadful, not great. Perhaps that’s a perfect thumbnail of the modern ITV?

House (Sunday 9pm, Sky1/Sky HD)

The most notable thing about this new series of House is it’s new home, seeing the US medical drama moving from Five to Sky. So far, so ho hum. Irrespective of my previous criticisms of Hugh Laurie’s accent, I’ve always found House to be quite repetitive and tedious in its execution. Sorry. Witty dialogue and character is one thing, but after five seasons, I want something a bit more than what is effectively a glorified disease of the week show.

Thanks to the bank holiday, a shorter-than-usual TV week to pick the best bits from…

Holby City BBC1, Tuesday 8pm
Long time Holby City fans will recognise a guest star this week, as Peter Wingfield pops in for a guest appearance as former regular Dan Clifford. Three weeks have passed since Maddy’s (Nadine Lewington) stabbing and she seems to be recovering well. But will she go for the promotion at City, or take up Clifford’s offer of a research position?

Britain’s Got Talent ITV1, Tuesday 8.30pm, Thursday 8.30pm
After a strong first live semi-final on Sunday and last night’s second, which was very much a show of two halves, it’s clear that this year’s BGT is shaping up pretty well, despite (because of?) some of the poorer quality acts who have slipped through the net to get on the live shows. The BGT website has just announced the line-up for Tuesday’s show — schedule the “nip to the loo” run for Floral Highnotes, if I were you…

Armando Ianucci in Milton’s Heaven and Hell BBC2, Wednesday 9pm
As part of the BBC’s Poetry season, Armando Ianucci presents this look at one of the greatest works of British fiction, John Milton’s Paradise Lost. An hour in the presence of Ianucci can never be tiring, even when the subject matter is an epic poem that is traditionally seen as difficult.

The Apprentice BBC1, Wednesday 9pm
Six self-important would-be business people. One shopping channel with a variety of tat — erm, I mean quality merchandise — to sell. What could possibly go wrong? I can’t quite believe Debra’s still in the running, but if she’s made it this far I wouldn’t like to place bets on her going this week.

What the Dickens? Sky Arts 1, Wednesday 9pm
Sky Arts’ literary-based comedy panel show returns for a second series, hosted by Sandi Toksvig with team captains Chris Addison and Sue Perkins.

Previously on ER More4, Thursday 8.05pm
ER: The series finale More4, Thursday 9pm
And so the cubicle curtain is pulled around the expiring carcass of one of television’s finest ever drama series. The double-length final episode of ER is preceded by a clip show looking back at 15 years’ worth of stories from County General Hospital. Lots of old friends return for the last episode, which features the opening of John Carter’s new medical centre. Chief among them is not a character, but something of character: the old style opening credits and music. I never really understood why they went in the first place, but it’s certainly good to see them back for one last hurrah. A copy from YouTube is below — but beware the cast list included: you may consider that to be a spoiler in itself:

Michael Wood on Beowulf BBC4, Thursday 9pm
Another Poetry Season documentary, this time looking back to the Dark Ages and the epic poem Beowulf. Historian Michael Wood is joined in his exploration of the mythic tale by poet Seamus Heaney, author of an award-winning translation, and actor Julian Glover, who has published his own adaptation and performed it on stage to great acclaim.

Given Monday’s bank holiday, this weekend’s Square Eyes is an extended affair, covering the best of telly drama, comedy and other bits over the next four days.

Hay-on-Sky Sky Arts, Friday 7pm
As the UK’s foremost literary festival gets underway, Sky Arts casts its gaze over Hay-on-Wye in the first of a daily series of programmes.

Tonight: MPs Under Fire ITV1, Friday 8pm
The scheduled edition of ITV’s current affairs show gets pre-empted for a timely look at the scandal that’s been building around the issues of MPs’ expenses.

The Night James Brown saved Boston BBC4, Friday 9.15pm
The night after Martin Luther King was assassinated, tensions in the USA were rife. Authorities in Boston briefly considered pulling the plug on a scheduled concert by the Godfather of Soul, James Brown. When they realised that would probably inflame the situation further, the authorities instead turned to Brown for help. This fascinating documentary chronicles a night when music and civil rights combined like no other.

Robin Hood BBC1, Saturday 6.35pm
When Toby Stephens’ Prince John arrived on the scene a couple of episodes ago, it gave a shot in the arm to a series that was already far more fun than it has been in previous series. Alas, last week’s episode basically relegated him to a Sheriff-lite villain, and so I’m not particularly disappointed that Prince John bows out (for now, at least) this week. True to form, though, it’s a bonkers tale, as Toby Stephens’ prince tries to usurp the throne by faking King Richard’s death. Yes, that’s sure to go well, isn’t it?

Britain’s Got Talent ITV1, Saturday 8.20pm
Britain’s Got Talent: Live Semi-finals from Sunday, 8.30pm
The audition programmes are over: from Sunday, we enter the glorious live shows. Before then, though, we have to endure the “selection process”, as all the acts who received a yes from the judges find out whether or not they’re through. Unlike X Factor or American Idol, though, there’s no additional performance at this stage, which makes Saturday’s show usually the least interesting of the whole run. Especial;y since it’s an hour and a half long.

Incidentally, now is a good time to mention ITV2’s Britain’s Got More Talent, which during the audition shows has been a complete joy to watch and adds to the BGT enjoyment immeasurably. Don’t miss it.

The South Bank Show ITV1, Sunday 10.15pm
We’d better enjoy it while we have it. This week’s show is a profile of one of British television’s current auteurs, the writer/director Peter Kosminsky (The Government Inspector, Britz). When it comes to portraying difficult subjects, nobody places television drama at the heart of debate like Kosminsky.

Film: The Hunchback of Notre Dame Five, Monday 6.15pm
One of Disney’s finest in its clutch of 1990s musicals with Oscar nominated music from Alan Menken (whose Sister Act: The Musical is currently previewing in the West End) and Stephen Schwartz (Wicked), who were later to collaborate on the live-action/animated hybrid Enchanted. It is uneven, though: you get the typical Disney cuteness in the form of three comedy gargoyles, while you also have some of the darkest, most adult themes that the House of Mouse has committed to drawn cel. Take the number below, Hellfire, as Judge Frollo anguishes over his own sinful thoughts:

Springwatch BBC2, from Monday 8pm
The natural-history-as-soap-opera show returns for a three week run, with Chris Packham replacing Bill Oddie as Kate Humble’s co-presenter.

Ashes to Ashes BBC1, Monday 9pm
Much as I love this show and the darker turn it’s been taking this series, the last few episodes seem to have fallen into a rut. The structure (Alex receives message from the preent day through a 1980s icon she sees on TV; boring crime in 1982 trundles on; more mysterious comments trickle through, with a build-up of same just before the closing credits) has been getting a little pat, meaning that there doesn’t really feel like we’re advancing story-wise from week to week yet. With two episodes to go after this, will we start to see more about what Operation Rose is, and how it affects Alex Drake?

Moving On (Monday-Friday 2.15pm, BBC1)
A week of connected dramas dealing with issues of moving on and changes in life. Sheila Hancock stars in this first episode as widow Liz, who comes home from holiday with a former Ghurkha in tow to live with her — much to the horror of her family. One to set the Sky+ for throughout the week.

The Shield (Monday 11pm, Five US)
It’s the final ever episode of one of America’s finest crime dramas, that saw Michael Chiklis win Best Actor at the Emmys in 2005. As you’d expect, it’s a brutal finale as Detective Vic Mackey has nowhere left to run and past misdemeanours catch up with him. He’s been a great character who always subscribed to the doctrine that the ends justify the means — but will that help him bring down crime boss Beltran? A great show, The Shield will be missed.

Dollhouse (Tuesday 9pm, Sci-Fi)
Knowledgeable friends, who have already caught this new show from Joss Whedon following its US airings, have been filling up my Twitter feed in the last few days with mystified tweets on the subject of Dollhouse’s renewal for a second season. So that bodes well for the quality of a show that stars Eliza Dushku as an agent of a secret organisation that wipes its operatives’ minds. The MacGuffin here is that the organisation implants new traits into its agents that will be useful for their next mission. So, it’s a bit like Joe 90 then…?

Flight of the Conchords (Tuesday 10.30pm, BBC4)
A cracking episode that sees the boys financially embarrassed when Bret splurges their dwindling cash reserves and spends $2.79 on a second cup for the apartment. This sees the duo reduced to playing gigs with no instruments as they desperately try to get out of a dark pit of debt. Classic Conchords.

Waterloo Road (Wednesday 8pm, BBC1)
When Waterloo Road is your best option for drama on telly of an evening, you suddenly know that the long wasteland of the summer schedules has just arrived. Last in the series.

The Apprentice (Wednesday 9pm, BBC1)
Seven candidates left, but that’s still seven feckless idiots who will provide us with mirth filled entertainment galore. This week, the teams try to sell product at Olympia’s annual baby show. One has to wonder just how dull this show would be if they actually picked people who would do well in a job interview. But that’s not really the point is it?

Playing the Part (Thursday 8pm, BBC1)
An interesting little show that sees actors take on the real-life jobs their on-screen characters perform. Here, Waterloo Road’s Denise Welch returns to the secondary school she attended in County Durham to teach a class of kids. Welch has always been a likable personality, and here she shows great vulnerability when she stands before the toughest room she’ll ever have to face. There’ll be tears before bedtime, mark my words.

ER (Thursday 9pm, More4)
The penultimate visit to County General. The team are actually away from home turf this week as they go to help out at a camp for children who have undergone open-heart surgery. There’s a sense of clearing the decks here as several storylines reach a conclusion, leaving the way clear for next week’s no doubt teary finale. The end is nigh…

EastEnders (Friday 8pm, BBC1)

Funny how the soaps are still a ubiquitous part of the TV schedules, and yet here at TV Today we rarely give them a look in. It’s not that we don’t watch them, but perhaps because there are so many episodes in any one week we’ve become desensitised to them… So in an effort to redress the balance somewhat, EastEnders makes it into the Square Eyes weekend selection. It’s an episode that focuses largely on Stacey Slater, who has started acting more than a little strangely - is this the beginning of a much bigger problem for Ms Slater? Great performance as ever from Lacey Turner, who remains one of the best things in a soap that appears to be in fairly rude health these days.

Boy Meets Girl (Friday 9pm, ITV1)

If it wasn’t for Martin Freeman and Rachael Stirling, this flimsy at best comedy drama would have fallen flat on the first outing. As it is, we’ve got to episode three and the body swap shenanigans are just about limping on towards episode four next week, but it’s touch and go whether it will get to the finish line. Boy Meets Girl is one of those dramas that doesn’t quite fit into ITV’s drama portfolio, and could have benefited from a different slot earlier in the week.

Reggie Perrin (Friday 9.30pm, BBC1)

Honestly, it hasn’t got any better. Take my advice and watch a rerun of My Family instead - compared to this, it’s genius.

Dexter (Friday 10pm, FX)

Best drama on television? Discuss.

Bear Grylls: Born Survivor (Saturday 7pm, C4)

Hurrah, he’s back! Will the jungles of Belize get the better of the Bear? Or will he just check into a Travelodge and go and get a proper job (as my dad so dryly observed the last time we watched this together)? Enjoyable as ever and just a little bit silly in a macho kind of way.

Eurovision Song Contest (Saturday 8pm, BBC1)

I’ve just been told I’ve pulled Finland out of the bag for this year’s sweep, so that’s who I’ll be cheering on come Saturday evening. It’s a pivotal year with a lot riding on it, as our supposedly best hope in years - the lovely Jade Ewen with It’s My Time - rides into battle. A knowledgeable colleague is predicting a high top five placing for our lass, which sadly I think is overly optimistic. But anything is possible with Eurovision. Sadly, no Wogan this year as the raven finally flew the tower last year, having had enough of biased voting patterns. Graham Norton is poor substitute, but anybody would be, so I won’t be too hard on him.

The Unloved (Sunday 9pm, C4)

The Unloved is the kind of one-off drama that Channel 4 does so well, and also affords actress Samantha Morton her directorial debut, as well as scripting along with Tony Grisoni. Based in part on Morton’s own childhood, young Lucy is abandoned by her mother and suffers violence at the hands of her father, eventually being swallowed up by the care system with harrowing effect. It’s a shockThe Unloved, Puing, sometimes brutal depiction of children in care, all told from Lucy’s point of view, making it even more horrifying (and entirely believable). Like Endgame a few weeks ago, this is a required piece of drama viewing with stunning performances from Susan Lynch, Robert Carlyle and Molly Windsor, who is breathtaking as Lucy.

Pulling (Sunday 9pm, BBC3)

I have an irrational hatred for Pulling. I don’t know what it is, but I have never taken it, while others, whose opinions I have great regard for, chortle away with merry abandon. It just seems terribly pleased with itself, and now it has a sense of smug martyrdom after being cancelled by BBC3, being allowed to finish off with this hour-long special. Even I can see what a crazy decision this on the part pf BBC3, as Pulling has clearly struck a chord with a good portion of BBC3’s audience. So enjoy while you can, it ain’t coming back. Next week: Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps…